GRUMPY OLD MEN...WITH GUNS

1. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 30.0 Total/$ 594.5

2. Edge of Darkness/Warner Wknd/$ 17.1 Total/$ 17.1

3. When In Rome/Touch Wknd/$ 12.1 Total/$ 12.1

4. The Tooth Fairy/Fox Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 26.1

5. The Book of Eli/Warner Wknd/$ 8.8 Total/$ 74.4

6. Legion/SGem Wknd/$ 6.8 Total/$ 28.6

7. The Lovely Bones/Par Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 38.0

8. Sherlock Holmes/Warners Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 197.6

7. Extraordinary Measures/CBS Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 7.0

9. Alvin & The Chipmunks 2/Fox Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 209.3

10. It’s Complicated/Universal Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 104.0

CHICKS AND GUNS! A MATCH MADE IN 14-YEAR-OLD-BOY HEAVEN!

Avatar holds at number one and also in this is Michelle Rodriquez and it should just be a rule that she has to appear in every movie in a tank top with a gun. She did it in S.W.A.T. and it was hot and she does it here and again, it’s hot. Then again I’d be hard pressed to find any woman who wouldn’t look hot wearing a tank top carrying a large firearm. But it helps if you’ve got a presence like hers. If Cameron made Aliens today, you know she’d be playing Vasquez. “Let’s rock!”

CLEARLY HE’S NOT TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT

Edge of Darkness opens at number two and Mel Gibson is kinda, sorta back. Like most aging action heroes, he’s now playing the grumpy old man kicking ass in the name of his kids. Liam Neeson scored big this year in Taken on a similar theme: mess with my little girl and I’ll kill you. Unfortunately, in this case, she’s not just taken but killed outright in front of him and dies in his arms. Then it’s bad guy killing time. Like Neeson, he’s not just any dad but a 30-year-cop in Boston, not to mention a former Master Sergeant, using a classic action movie archetype of the trained killer being reawakened. He starts investigating the circumstances of his daughter’s murder, beating up or killing anyone in his path, which is pretty much what I paid to see, so I was satisfied. This is by no means an exceptional action movie. The bad guys are so obvious they might as well be wearing shirts that read “No One Knows I’m Evil.” Point of fact: no good guy since the 70’s will ever be seen in a silk robe while wearing gold chains. Because Mel Gibson is a working-class cop, all bad guys wear expensive suits and have oily hair. There’s also your usual disregard to logic and gaping plot holes (she’s actually been poisoned with radiation, though the police autopsy reveals none of this because it would have drastically changed the plot), but it moves quickly enough for you not to dwell on it. You can tell Mel’s not the star he once was because they don’t shy away from showing how short he is. More than once he’s placed next an actor easily over six feet with no attempt to hide the discrepancy (Tom Cruise, this will be you one day). And his face is a walking argument against smoking. The lines and crevices are deep and unforgiving. It’s hard to believe he was once a pretty boy.

WHEN USING A SCREENWRITING PROGRAM

When In Rome opens at number three and romantic comedy whore I am, I was tempted to see this, but the more they showed of it in the commercials the worse it got. Basically, the plot is a girl takes three coins from a fountain in Rome, which causes the three guys who threw them in to come after her. But of course there’s a real love interest they’re interfering with. Now that’s not a bad plot, but you wouldn’t know this from any of the commercials because they’re highlighting the incredibly unfunny joke about breaking the vase. And honestly, I hate Kristen Bell. Someone suggested that Josh Duhmael is like the guy who loses the girl to the hero. Well, it’s appropriate that Kristen Bell is his love interest here, because she’s like the bitchy girl who loses her nice guy boyfriend to female hero. A role she’s already somewhat played in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Plus she just gives off a “bitch vibe” to me. I was never a Veronica Mars fan so I don’t come with any of that built in love. And I’ve got serious, serious issues with movies that clearly film in New York City, but then light it so it looks like a studio lot. What is the fucking point!?! This will be seen on cable in about a year. Probably on a double feature with Leap Year.

THE SOUND OF MUSIC OWNS YOUR ASS

The Tooth Fairy holds at number four and also in this is Julie Andrews and you know you’re a beloved icon when you can continually do shit like this and still be loved and still get reviews that say you bring “magic” to a role you’re clearly sleep-walking through. I’ve never seen the Sound of Music and I never will because clearly it’s like some sort of Julie Andrews heroin.

BECAUSE FROM MEL TO VIGO, PEOPLE IN THE POST-APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND ARE GORGEOUS

The Book of Eli is down to number five and also in this in the dual role of the princess who gets saved and the whore who gets redeemed is Mila Kunis. She’s the daughter of the girlfriend of town boss Gary Oldman, so she’s a princess of some sort, but at the same time he pimps her out to try and get Denzel Washington to stay reducing her to whore. Of course our hero would never do such a thing, but instead teaches her about prayer. No, I’m not kidding. Later, reading lessons come in. And if you don’t see the ending coming a mile away, then you haven’t seen enough movies. It almost makes me sad this movie hasn’t done well enough to warrant a sequel.

BE CAREFUL WHO YOU BEFRIEND ON THE WAY UP, BECAUSE YOU MAY HAVE TO BE IN THEIR CRAPPY MOVIES LATER

Legion is down to number six and how far has Dennis Quaid fallen to just be another piece of cannon fodder in a movie like this? He’d have been better off as one of the famous faces scattered throughout 2012. At least that was fun. He must have needed some money quick to do this. At least GI Joe looked like easy franchise money. This? This is just whoredom. Or maybe everyone lost a bet because Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice is here as well and we know she doesn’t need the money. Playing her husband is Jon Tenney, who is Kyra Sedgwick’s husband from The Closer. Another bet loser, Tyrese Gibson as…well, The Angry Black Guy. Not to be confused with Charles Dutton as The Old Black Guy. Yeah, I’m thinking everyone here owed someone a favor to be in this.

THE OTHERS

The Lovely Bones is down to number seven, followed by Sherlock Holmes at number eight and Alvin & the Chipmunks The Squeakuel at number nine.

THE END

Finally closing out the top ten at number ten is It’s Complicated and I’ve really tried to see this, I really have. I loves me some Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin has finally fulfilled the comedic promise of 20 years ago, but clearly this is just not to be. I even tried a Saturday night run---which I never do---but fate and movie times were against me. See you on cable in a year.

BARELY A TWO

Long after its debut and fall from the top ten is the movie I did wind up seeing on Saturday night: Nine. And if you wonder why such a seeming hit (Six Oscar winning Actors in a Tony-winning musical from the director of the Oscar winning film version of Chicago) failed so totally know this: the two best musical numbers come from Kate Hudson and Fergie. Yeah, exactly. This the film adaptation of the musical adaptation of the classic film Fellini film, 8 ½. It became the musical Nine in 1982 with Raul Julia and won a Tony (it actually beat out Dreamgirls) and was revived twenty years later to win another Tony with Antonio Banderas and I’m sure given director Rob Marshall’s success with Chicago this seemed like money in the bank, especially given the casting of Daniel Day Lewis, Judi Densch, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Marion Cotilliard and Sophia Loren. How Fergie and Kate Hudson snuck in we’ll never know, but ironically they got the best numbers. It seems that Rob Marshall is more at home with lowbrow than he’d like to believe. That they are also the more grandly choreographed numbers clearly plays to his origins as a choreographer, but Marion Cotilliard has two ballads that also work very well, though still not enough to save this. What works onstage doesn’t necessarily work on film and whatever needed to be translated clearly was not. I never saw the film (much less the Broadway show) so I can’t compare it to this, but this honestly is what I always fear about seeing: a shambling, near incoherent mess centered on a person I could give a shit about.

SADLY, THIS IS NO TKO

So Death enjoyed last year in the world of creativity so much it’s continuing this year. It’s only January and already we’ve lost everyone from J.D. Salinger to Robert B. Parker to the creator of Gumby to Teddy Pendergrass. Needless to say Teddy Pendergrass bothered me the most. Another genuine R&B singer is gone and his successors are few and far between. Nee-Yo? I think not. Also gone, Pernell Roberts, Jean Simmons, Eric Rohmer, Erich Segal and the creepy small person from Poltergeist, Zelda Rubenstein. Not even porn is immune as both Juliet Anderson and Erica Boyer have died. The latter was actually killed in a car accident (which kills porn stars like planes kill rock stars) on New Year’s Day, which is the most fucked up thing in the world. She has a son who has to deal with mom dying on the day that most symbolizes a new beginning. It’s almost as bad as dying on Christmas.

SHE SINGS CRAZY SONGS/I SING SIMPLE ONES/BUT I MADE MORE MONEY…

As always, I recorded the Grammys to watch later at fast-forward to skip all the dull talk and country numbers (seriously, if it’s not the pretty money-making blondes, why do they even include them?)…Lady GaGa is making a career out of putting on the best show at an awards ceremony. And unlike a lot of people I could name she’s actually fucking singing. And is it really surprising to see her with Elton John? I think not. She’s just as much his descendant as she is Madonna’s. It’s a shame no one remembers Captain Fantastic as much as they do this portly middle-aged guy in a suit…I preferred Green Day when they were just young punks and before they became adults and gained awareness. I mean look at the gut on the drummer. The drummer! That’s when you know you’re successful and old when even your drummer gets fat…the most interesting thing to me about Beyonce’s performance is her all-girl band. Sorry, but I just don’t care and better singing doesn’t improve Alanis Morisette…and you know Seal is happy. Look at how fat he is even in black. You’d think his model wife could help him dress to hide that. Then again, hiding fat is not something she’s familiar with…Pink the balladeer is also boring and it doesn’t matter how stunning the aerial gymnastics are. But her body is a rock from having to do this on tour almost every night…Fergie, however still has her curves from doing Nine where she played an Italian hooker and I’d rather they just jump to the overplayed hit than make me listen to other albums tracks that aren’t hits for obvious reasons…and we’re skipping the country music performance…I hate Jamie Foxx, so we’re going to fast-forward through this, stopping only to see Slash for the whore he’s been since working with Michael Jackson…don’t care about the Joe Brown Band and I don’t care about Taylor Swift either, but Stevie Nicks compels me to stop and watch and hear that Taylor Swift cannot sing anything other than her own songs and honestly she sounds awful there too. Ouch…not having the necessary 3D glasses means the Michael Jackson number was lost on me to a certain extent, though I remain unmoved. And I’m trying not laugh at his INCREDIBLY WHITE CHILDREN coming up to the podium. Yes, I’m an evil bastard…is it just me or is Bon Jovi getting shorter as he gets older?...the road to hell is paved with good intentions and overblown remakes of old songs. Who is really going to buy this version of “Bridge over Troubled Water”?...they have not printed enough money to make me listen to Dave Matthews…Maxwell and Roberta Flack. That’s some R&B up in your face, bitches. Roberta Flack can still sing but needs help with her make up. And that wig? WTF? And keep clinging to the idea that Maxwell is straight, ladies. Divas don’t react that way to straight men…the roll call of death, but only Les Paul deservedly gets the tribute number…well, I just heard half a rap song thanks to all the bleeping and of course the blondest, whitest girl in the universe, Taylor Swift is up and bouncing to it…and she won Album of the year in typical, middle-of-the-road-safe-Grammy-Fashion. See you next year!