FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU NINJA DIPLOMAT

1. The Twilight Saga: New Moon Wknd/$ 42.5 Total/$ 230.7

2. The Blind Side/Warner Wknd/$ 40.1 Total/$ 100.3

3. 2012/Sony Wknd/$ 18.0 Total/$ 138.8

4. Old Dogs/Touchstone Wknd/$ 16.8 Total/$ 24.1

5. A Christmas Carol/Disney Wknd/$ 16.0 Total/$ 105.4

6. Ninja Assassin/Warner Wknd/$ 13.1 Total/$ 21.0

7. Planet 51/Sony Wknd/$ 10.2 Total/$ 28.5

8. Precious/Lions Wknd/$ 7.1 Total/$ 32.5

9. The Fantasic Mr. Fox Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 10.1

10. The Men Who Stare at Goats/ Wknd/$ 1.5 Total/$ 30.6

ONE PERSON’S CHILD PORN IS A CHILD’S REGULAR PORN

The Twilight Saga: New Moon holds at number one and when I see this werewolf kid on the cover of magazines in a wet t-shirt, I understand why Kristin Davis who made a movie with him when he was still a kid is disturbed. Like so many female models, that may be an adult’s body, but that’s still a kid’s face and seeing him trying to do “sexy” looks is just plain creepy. But I guess it’s okay if you’re a teenage girl just now discovering the many uses of the shower massage. For you, there’s like a thousand porn magazines from Rolling Stone to Men’s Health. If you’re older than that, then we’ve got a cell next to Roman Polanski for you.

2012 SPOILERS AS IF YOU COULDN’T GUESS

The Blind Side holds at number two, with 2012 holding at number three and this film follows the disaster movie formula of letting you think certain people are going to make it, then ruthlessly killing them in the final reel, but of course never the dog. One particular bit of ruthlessness is the situation with George Segal. He’s the musician partner of the father of the heroic scientist played by Chiwetel Ejiofor and he apparently stopped talking to his son when he married a Japanese woman and moved to Japan. Let me get his straight: your best friend and partner is Black, but you’ve got a problem with your son marrying an Asian woman? Now, they’re on a luxury liner that will stop in Japan. How do you think this ends? Think again because there’s a tidal wave coming. Like I said, ruthless. But again, no one would dare kill a dog, so stick with him.

OLD DOG CRAP

Old Dogs opens at number four but this isn’t about dogs and every critic in America would like to kill it. I can’t say that I blame them. I feel personally insulted by the sheer avarice and stupidity of the commercials. Not to mention John Travolta’s horrible, horrible wig. It looks like it something Nicholas Cage had to sell him to pay off his debts. This movie looks like the typical two-dimensional formula crap that Touchstone has made its bread and butter for the last 20 years. Just plug stars into it and voila! Money. The only thing missing is an overplayed Top 40 single to go along with it. But even this obvious crap still broke the top five when, if there were any justice in the world, it should not have.

AND HIS BROTHER, NINJA CATERER

A Christmas Carol holds at number five, followed by Ninja Assassin (the world’s most redundant title), opening at number six and it’s been a loooonnng time since the world has seen a good ninja flick. Okay, maybe none of them were good, but they were all the rage in the 80’s, reaching their apex and eventual downfall with Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles. Now, the Turtles came back with a movie last year with little fanfare, but did pretty well worldwide. It was only a matter of time before humans followed. This is everything you want from a martial arts movie: sadomasochistic training scenes, a revenge storyline, Asians never speaking their native tongue only heavy accented English, guys in pajamas kicking the shit out of guys with guns and so much blood you could surf on it. Seriously, the first death is some guy getting his head sliced off at the jawline and it’s dismemberment and digital blood central from then on. The story is simple: a ninja seeks revenge upon his former clan and an attractive female cop from Europol (what happened to Interpol) gets caught up in it. Seriously, that’s it. But do you really need more? I don’t. The lead ninja in this case is played by Korean superstar, Rain, best known in this country from his rivalry with Stephen Colbert, because I doubt if any of you saw him in Speed Racer. Though half the work is done by his chiseled torso, he does display the charisma that’s undoubtedly part of his success. He also shows some chemistry with the lead actress, Naomie Harris, but don’t think they get down. Just because a black man is in the White House, don’t think Hollywood is prepared to show a sexually active Asian man, especially if he’s sexually active with a woman who is not also Asian.

SOME PEOPLE GOT TO HAVE IT, SOME PEOPLE REALLY NEED IT

Planet 51 is down to number seven and let’s see who else got themselves some Christmas money to do this piece of crap: Jessica Biel whose moment of heat has yet to produce a single successful film and she’s in danger of just being known as Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend; Justin Long who probably tossed this off between doing Apple commercials and doing Drew Barrymore; Gary Oldman trying to bring the number of films his children can actually see up to three; Seann William Scott who did this before Role Models made enough money so that he doesn’t have to and John Cleese who stopped pretending it wasn’t about money when he did his first ginger ale commercial two decades ago.

LADIES IN WAITING

Precious is down to number eight and also in this is Paula Patton, aka, that girl you keep mistaking for Halle Berry at first. She really turned a corner as heir apparent to “the” young black actress. In fact, Zoe Saldana may have sewn it up. Oh, well. Every Halle Berry needs her Vivica Fox. You may not get the Oscars or the paydays, but Halle didn’t get to be in Kill Bill either. Would you rather have that or $14M to do Catwoman?

IS THIS WHAT WE CALL TYPE CASTING?

The Fantastic Mr. Fox enters the top ten at number nine followed by The Men Who Stare At Goats at ten, giving George Clooney two films in the top ten and ironically the one where you don’t see his face is getting rave reviews. I do mean to see it, but I thought I was going to be able to see The Princess & the Frog, only to find out it was some sort of Disney “Milk the little bastards for all they’re worth” even where tickets were $30 and $50. And can you believe that fucking thing was still sold out at 10:00 am!?! This left me too annoyed to try and rush over to catch another movie.

ADVENTURES IN MOVIE GEEKLAND

When I decided to finally bite the bullet and buy the high definition flatscreen I knew it would only lead to more spending, because then I’d have to get the Blu-ray DVD player and then I’d have to start replacing my DVDs. I thought I could put it off, but like my impetus to first buy a DVD player all the years ago, I was once again forced (forced, I say!) by the movie studios who started putting shit on DVD that wasn’t available on VHS. Now, they’re putting shit on Blu-ray that’s not available on the regular DVD and nothing irks me like knowing there’s something out there I haven’t seen. So once again, I began to do my research and the best-reviewed, affordable Blu-Ray player came from Panasonic. I would have put it on hold until after Christmas, but then I was watching TV on Wednesday and I see an ad for it as part of PC Richards “Black Friday” sale for $99. Yes, I was put in the position of having to buy something now to save money later as the cheapest I’d found it was $140. That brought me to the unthinkable: up at 6:00 am to get one. The last time I saw sunrise I was coming home from a night out with Chasing Amy, but there I was on a bus down to 23^rd street to get my new toy. There’s a Best Buy on 23^rd nearby and they literally had a line down the block. I couldn’t help but smile knowing those suckers were getting ripped off because Best Buy jacks their prices up beforehand so they can claim a sale when they drop them again. You should only buy “loss leaders” from Best Buy, which is to say the discounted New Releases that are supposed to entice you in so you might buy something else. I never buy anything else. Now when I bought the TV I was encouraged to buy the HDMI cable, which provides the best resolution for HD. I refused because the TV should come with one and I was right. I thought the same for the DVD player and I was wrong, but it would have to wait because I needed to get some sleep. Later, when I woke up in the afternoon, I did my online research and found those suckers usually start at $20 even at Radio Shack and of course no one was marking them down for “Black Friday.” I ultimately found one at Blockbuster of all places for $15---only to peel back the label when I got home and see that it was originally $10. Despite all my efforts not to be I was still buggered in the end by “The Man.” Now, what good is this expense and effort with nothing to watch? Remember what I said about Best Buy’s “loss leaders”? Well, now was the time to exploit it. Blu-Ray DVDs are as expensive and DVDs used to be, starting in the $25-$30 range. So, when I saw movies I needed to replace marked down to $7.99 it was time to go, especially since like the TV, I was able to sell off the old DVD player on Craig’s List. I had cash in my pockets! Sadly, because all this silly technoshit is the province of dudes, there’s not much in the way romantic comedies on Blu-Ray, but every stupid action or horror film seems available. I mean, how the fuck is Over The Top with Sylvester Stallone on Blu-Ray but Four Weddings and a Funeral is not!?! And how can you only have the first Matrix film available and not the others? Well they are if you’re going to bend over and buy the trilogy and I will not have Matrix Revolutions in my house. But the first was also on-sale and what they say about Blu-ray is true. I never knew Switch (the girl dressed in white) was wearing a translucent top with nothing on underneath until now. I also feel on a first name basis with Lawrence Fishburne’s acne scars. And I can’t remember the last time I saw Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan and thought, “Ooh, pretty.” But the biggest thing on my list was getting Up. It was too beautiful onscreen to ever think of buying it on regular DVD so Blu-Ray meant I could finally get it. Well, after the sale knocked it down from $35 to $20 in a big Disney family pack, which comes with a Blu-Ray disc, a regular DVD (presumably for the kid’s room or for travel) and a digital copy to put on your iPod. God fucking forbid you just want one of them at a cheaper price point. But it is glorious in high definition and again I cried like a baby through the opening scenes. Now my big problem is restraining myself to replace everything I can because it’s on sale. Yes, Ronin is on sale for $8, but when was the last time I even watched it? And is there any real point in replacing a crappy film like Wolverine? It’s not like high-def is going to make it suck less. I rented Star Trek to see the deleted scenes, but tried watching the whole thing again, only to give up because it still sucks and annoys me. Thank goodness I had Wrath of Khan to wash the taste away. And why would I ever want the complete Buck Rogers TV series on Blu-Ray? I wouldn’t but it’s only $10! Someone please stop me! I’ve got a credit card and internet access! I need an intervention!

Buck Rogers
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SOMEWHERE BRAM STOKER IS PISSED

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IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT

1. 2012/Sony Wknd/$ 65.0 Total/$ 65.0

2. A Christmas Carol/Disney Wknd/$ 22.3 Total/$ 63.3

3. The Men Who Stare at Goats/ Wknd/$ 6.2 Total/$ 23.4

4. Precious/Lions Wknd/$ 6.1 Total/$ 8.9

5. Michael Jackson’s This Is It Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 68.2

6. The Fourth Kind/Universal Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 20.6

7. Couples Retreat/Universal Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 102.1

8. Paranormal Activity/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 103.8

9. Law Abiding Citizen/Over Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 67.3

10. The Box/Warner Bros. Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 13.2

BUT FOR ONCE WE DON’T WATCH NYC GET WIPED OUT

2012 opens at number one and I have one question: when your calendar runs out at the end of the year, do you expect the fucking world to end? No, so I join the actual Mayans who wonder what the fuck is wrong with you people who think that this calendar ending means the end of the world. That said, it’s a good thing people do subscribe to this, otherwise we wouldn’t have a perfectly serviceable piece of disaster porn. We have an odd fetish of watching beloved buildings being destroyed and this satisfies that need in spades, especially if you’re an American…or hate America for that matter. LA goes down in serious detail. They even find a way of showing the subway’s destruction. Of course actual science and the laws of physics have no place here, or the family we’re rooting for to survive would be dead at the first signs of trouble (um, you shouldn’t be able to drive on broken streets, much less accelerate). But perhaps the biggest piece of suspension of disbelief is that the world leaders would not only believe scientists who tell them the world is ending, but they’d be somewhat prepared when it did---though not so prepared they’d have a manned space station set up to coordinate things even though an international space station is part of our currently reality. I won’t even get into cell phones still working when half the world is underwater. But seriously: we need to see buildings all over the world be destroyed. Yeah, it was fun watching the Sistine Chapel fall on the pope and cardinals praying for salvation (the crack that leads to it of course goes right between God reaching out to touch Adam, signifying the covenant was broken and we were on are own) but there’s a world filled with landmarks to wipe out. Let’s see Big Ben tumble! And you can never see The Eiffel Tower fall too much! The Pyramids and the Sphinx have had a good run, time to go! Considering part of the film takes place in China it seems odd we don’t see The Great Wall of China go down. Or when a tidal wave hits India, the death of the Taj Mahal. And what about the Sydney Opera House, those giant twin skyscrapers in Thailand, Tokyo going down without a monster present…so many choices. And Dubai is simply fucking evil, so if you’re going to take Las Vegas down (and they do), you have to take that hellish place too. I think I speak for moviegoers everywhere when I say we’d rather see more destruction than John Cusack bonding with his son in the middle of it.

SOME MOVIES AND CAREERS ARE LIKE COCKROACHES

A Christmas Carol is down to number two and while I’d love to join others in predicting its failure, I once did that for The Polar Express only to see it do better and better as the holidays approached and be saved by IMAX. You see, it’s hard to kill evil.

PERSONALLY, I’M DRUNK, BUT WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU

The Men Who Stare at Goats holds at number three and also in this is Jeff Bridges who has for his entire career been the most underrated combination of looks and talent. He’s never been considered B-list, but he’s never gotten the type of attention an A-lister usually gets either, though he’s always in A-list films doing top work (his Oscar nomination for The Contender is well-deserved). But I’m still waiting for him and Beau to do a big screen version of Sea Hunt. In the meantime A SEQUEL TO TRON IS COMING! It’s telling that it and The Big Lebowski are his two most beloved films. The Last Picture Show may be considered a work of art, but who the hell wants to watch that stoned at two in the morning?

I SWEAR IT’S NOT SELF-HATRED

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire enters the top ten at number four and what the fuck is up with that title? It’s a sad statement that either the writer was that egotistical or---and this is the more likely scenario---they felt the book’s audience would be too dumb to realize it had been made into a movie without it. Now, I’d like to see this, but probably won’t because seeing it in the theater means seeing it with bruthas and sistas and “seeing” is all I’d be able to do, because hearing actual dialogue will not be an option. It’ll probably be on video in time for Oscar season, so I’ll check it out then.

LET’S SAY MICHAEL WAS GRENDEL…

This Is It is down to number five and the fucking monster that Joe Jackson is almost makes me feel sorry for Michael Jackson, because it’s pretty clear he was doomed to be utterly fucked up.

A QUEEN OF GEEKS

The Fourth Kind is down to number six and starring in this is Milia Jovovich and if it’s better to rule in hell than serve in heaven, then she is a queen as she never appears as a supporting player in mainstream A-list Hollywood fare, but stars in her own genre flicks and yes, there is a fourth Resident Evil movie coming. Don’t ask me how considering the world had pretty much been destroyed in the third one, but it’s coming. I ended my pain with the second one and only saw that because it promised me a hot girl in a mini-skirt with guns. I’m easily swayed.

IT’S LIKE YOUR LOCAL THEATER HAS A MILD RASH

Still hanging around at number seven is Couples Retreat and in the business this is what we call “having legs” and while $124M worldwide isn’t nearly as impressive as it should be with a $70M budget (next time use Hawaii as paradise), it’s nothing to sneeze at either and will probably have a long life on DVD and cable.

MRS. ROBINSON WOULD BE PROUD

Paranormal Retreat is down to number eight, followed by Law Abiding Citizen at number nine and closing out the top ten at number ten is The Box, and add to the list of misfires for this movie is setting it in the 70’s. What the fuck for? And while I wouldn’t see it, part of me wanted it to do better because a) I’m a geek and Richard Matheson is a minor god, and b) it’s one of the rare movies where you’ll see an actress with a man not only prettier than she is, but younger. Yeah, I know Sandra Bullock did it twice this year alone, but she’s the producer of her films now. That makes sense. The irony here is, the last hit Cameron Diaz had was with a younger man prettier than she is: Ashton Kutcher in What Happens in Vegas.

IT’S NOT LIKE I NEED MONEY FOR DATING OR ANYTHING

So, I finally did it: I bought a flatscreen like I’ve been talking about doing for the past year, only every time I started preparing for it, something else came up like rent or food or seeing my family at Christmas and buying them gifts (damn moochers). Then there’s the fact I suffer from the worst buyer’s remorse in all of recorded human history. Every major purchase I make is followed by intense guilt and regret over not using the money for more constructive reasons and I spend the next few weeks scouring the sales in the paper looking for better deals to torture myself with how much I could have saved had I just waited a week, or a month or six months, utterly ignoring that I wouldn’t have been using said purchase for all that time. I almost bought this a month ago when I found an open box sale at Best Buy for $50 off the regular price. I was literally in line with it in my hand when I chickened out. The whole “open box” thing rubbed me the wrong way. As did my usual path, which would be to buy it off eBay. I needed to be able to go to a store and yell at people should something go wrong (also, there’s the matter of warranties that don’t exist that way). But on the upside, my nonstop research served to eliminate brands like Toshiba. The model I had in mind had just as many complaints as it did praise. Also, numerous visits resulted in Panasonic looking the best in my eyes (Sony was clearly out of the price range), so that was the deal I was looking for. Only it never really came. At best it was one of those “only a few pieces at this price” things. Eventually, the fatigue of the hunt set in and so long as it was under $400 I didn’t care any more. I found it at B&H for $380 and it was a go. Panasonic, 32-inches (LCD, 720p) was not only all my budget allowed for but space as well. Yeah, I could have then gone to Best Buy and had them match it, but I hate Best Buy because they jack up prices the week before a sale so they can say they lowered them. Because I did it on a Sunday, I couldn’t go down to TimeWarner cable and get my new HD box, so I’m really not getting all I can from basic viewing, but DVD’s sure as hell look nicer (don’t make my think of BluRay right now or I’ll start to cry) and I haven’t even fine-tuned the picture settings yet. The model I have oddly comes with an iPod dock but apparently this is fairly common these days, but who the hell plugs their iPod into their TV!?! I mean I guess this allows me to now run my iPod through my stereo but still. Now my only issue is, of course, the remorse, especially when the holiday sales kick in. I’m trying to head it off by looking at a website that tracks price drops and this same unit was selling for $600 back in July and was $500 as recently as September. I’m not saying it’s working, I’m just saying I’m trying that. I’ll feel better if someone actually buys my old one off Craigslist (if for no other reason than to get this big ass thing off my floor and save me from hauling it to Goodwill). But you know what my real problem is? My old CRT TV was big enough for me to safely put my superhero statues on it. The new one, not so much. Maybe if I get some these damn books off my bookshelves I’ll have room for the things that really matter.

REM End of the world
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LOVE AT FIRST BLOOD

1. A Christmas Carol/Disney Wknd/$ 31.0 Total/$ 31.0

2. Michael Jackson’s This Is It Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 57.9

3. The Men Who Stare at Goats/ Wknd/$ 13.3 Total/$ 13.3

4. The Fourth Kind/Universal Wknd/$ 12.5 Total/$ 12.5

5. Paranormal Activity/Paramount Wknd/$ 8.6 Total/$ 97.4

6. The Box/Warner Bros. Wknd/$ 7.9 Total/$ 7.9

7. Couples Retreat/Universal Wknd/$ 6.4 Total/$ 96.0

8. Law Abiding Citizen/Over Wknd/$ 6.2 Total/$ 51.4

9. Where the Wild Things Are/Warner Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 69.3

10. Astro Boy/Summit Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 15.1

“YOU, BOY. WHAT DAY IS IT?” “CHRISTMAS DAY, 2568, SIR!”

A Christmas Carol opens at number one and Robert Zemeckis is going to keep making these ugly CGI animated features until we stop going to see them. Yes, I said we, because I got sucked into Beowulf, which sucked so badly it actually stopped for ten minutes to do a bunch of Austin Powers like dick-based sight gags. Why he’s obsessed with trying to duplicate people is a mystery known only to him. You don’t see Pixar doing it. In fact, without IMAX, this would have died with The Polar Express whose children with big soulless unblinking eyes probably caused dozens of nightmares amongst the kids who saw it. I know they bothered the hell out of me and I only saw the trailers. But at least that was new. I mean, A Christmas Carol!?! Again!?! Couldn’t you at least do something new with it. Set in space or Japan or something. Hell, Mr. Magoo would do. Anything but turn of the century England again. And who the hell thinks Jim Carrey’s voice will somehow elevate this? I mean who was thinking, “You know I had no interest in seeing that one millionth version of A Christmas Carol, but then I heard Jim Carrey was doing voices and that just changed everything.”

IT’S ONLY ACCEPTABLE TO BE HEAVY AND FEMALE IN MUSIC IF YOU CAN SING

Michael Jackson’s This Is It is down to number two and there’s something about a chick that can wail on guitar especially if she’s easy on the eyes and even Michael Jackson recognized this in Orianthi, who is his guitarist here and was going to be mouthpiece of his shows. She gained notoriety outside guitar circles when pretty much stole the spotlight from Carrie Underwood during her appearance on the Grammy’s earlier this year. She’s also been praised by none less than Steve Vai and Carlos Santana, who said he could pass the baton to her (and she’s not even using her pinky finger yet). And yes, we’re kidding ourselves to think her being thin, blonde and pretty has nothing to do with it. Somewhere there’s a young, heavyset brunette who’s being ignored as she wails away. Unfortunately like so many guitar virtuosos she’s kinda dull in the lead slot (see, Stevens, Steve). She needs to accept her job is to make something good better, because lots of non-stop trilling in dull songs is appealing only to a small group of males between the ages of 16 and 35, usually wearing a black t-shirt with their favorite metal band on it. Steve Vai pays his rent with their support.

THE MOVIE WHICH ISN’T AS FUNNY AS ITS TITLE

The Men Who Stare At Goats opens at number three and unfortunately, this isn’t as funny as you want it to be. It’s “humorous” to be sure, but never shifts into the level of over-the-top absurdity it needs to truly be funny. As a documentary this would have been hysterical, but as a narrative, not so much. It would have done better to just abandon reality altogether and use what happened as a jumping off point, not as a plotline to actually be followed. Clearly, no soldiers had psychic powers, but what if one truly had? That would have opened the story up for the crazy adventures it needed to have to make this work, because the metatextual joke of George Clooney telling Ewan McGregor the way to be a “jedi warrior” isn’t really enough to float it, even for a sparse 90 minutes.

THE FIFTH KIND: CASUAL DATING

The Fourth Kind opens at number four and speaking of overused ideas, the “based on a true story of alien abduction” is another one that seems to come out all the time and honestly, I was over gray aliens with big eyes and skinny necks back in the 80’s. I mean basically, this is people traumatized by being abducted. Yeah, so? If aliens aren’t planning something nefarious and are just conducting weird experiments on people in Alaska, then who the hell cares? It’s basically just a movie about posttraumatic stress.

AND FROM NOW ON ALL HOLOCAUST MOVIES MUST REFERENCE SCHINDLER’S LIST IN THE TITLE

Ironically, Paranormal Activity---down to number five---got a boost from none other than Steven Spielberg, who is the reason The Fourth Kind is called “the fourth” though actually, Close Encounters of the Third Kind is about the return of people who have been abducted.

CLEARLY THEY ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH WHAT MAKES UP THE SOUL OF WIT

The Box opens at number six and this is pretty much a Twilight Zone or Night Gallery episode given the big screen treatment and therein lies the problem. It’s just not a two-hour concept (it’s based on a short story by Richard Matheson) no matter how interesting: press the button and get a million dollars---but someone, somewhere will die. Now, of course this will end badly for you because you dared put your financial gain before a human life, so now this innocent person’s death is going to cost you down the road. It’s a simple morality play with an ironic twist and I don’t care if it came from the director of Donnie Darkko, there’s just not two hours of story there, which makes me think there’s a whole lot of overly-complicated nothing going, probably explaining where “the box” comes from which defeats the point. You don’t explain the monkey’s paw either. That’s not what the story is about.

ALL WE’RE MISSING ARE VINCENT GALLO, PARKER POSEY AND ERIC STOLZ

Couple’s Retreat is down to number seven, followed by Law Abiding Citizen at number eight and Where the Wild Things Are at number nine and this fairy tale of misery grows increasingly more unpleasant in my memory. Also here doing voices are Catherine O’Hara, Forest Whitaker, Chris Cooper and Lauren Ambrose and this isn’t your typical kids film so they clearly aren’t here for money, so much as hipster cred. And Catherine Keener clearly owes Spike Jonze for her Oscar nod for Being John Malkovich, which is why she’s here playing the mom.

THE MERCIFUL END

Finally, Astro Boy closes out the top ten at number ten.

NOW THAT DAMN “PALLISADES PARK” SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD

So apparently I’m getting wussier as I get older, because while crossing the George Washington Bridge unnerved me the only time I’ve ever done it, when I did it, it scared the shit out of me. When I stopped to take pictures my hands were literally shaking and I don’t remember that happening the first time. I couldn’t even bring myself to look over at the view as I rode either. I just kept my head down and focused on getting to the other side, trying not freak every time a biker came from the opposing direction, none of whom seem to share my overwhelming fear of plummeting to one’s death in the Hudson and a having their parents find a frighteningly large amount of porn in their apartments. Once over, I went through Fort Lee Park like I’d done before, but this time all of it and it’s just as exciting as you can imagine. Some poor girl was with her parents and apparently had to do a report on it, because as she went from exhibit to the other, she was taking notes. I think she found it as about as interesting as I did. After leaving Fort Lee, I was just going to follow the path that’s supposed to be down the Jersey side of the river and thought I was doing so when I followed another biker going down the road, but where we were really heading was Palisades Park, which was fine because I’d always meant to go there. If you’ve never been the entrance is a long, winding downhill road, which is a lot of fun for obvious reasons, not to mention gorgeous with the fall foliage now in full effect. However, once you reach the bottom and hit the river you’re then faced with a very long climb back up which takes twice a long. Not to mention I went in one side and came out the other that left me a few miles beyond the GWB on Palisades Avenue. So not only did I have to cross that fucker again, this time on the side facing the river (from the city is traffic side, to the city is water side) but now I was dead tired and with night falling. Of course I’m probably going to go back next week because there’s a lot more biking to be done there. And that damn bridge will not beat me---though I may walk my bike across from now on.

“TOO MANY DICKS ON THE DANCE FLOOR” THANKFULLY PUSHED “PALLISADES PARK” OUT OF MY HEAD

Continuing my downward spiral in my old age was my venture to a party in Brooklyn on a Saturday night, two things that were once unheard of for me. It was for the re-housewarming party of one of my Jezebels who had a pre-renovation party back in the summer. Last time it was oddly held on a Sunday night resulting in a modest attendance. This time, however, a normal party night resulted in a much larger crowd, including as we learned later, the guy who dumped her by text, clearly eager to atone for his mistake. I was late as usual, but who the hell arrives at a party before 9:00 considering it starts at 7:00? Who the hell starts a party at 7:00 on a Saturday night for that matter!?! Between this and that texting while dancing thing I saw, I’m beginning to think you kids just don’t know how to get down anymore. What hurt me the most about this was that a great deal of the cheese had been eaten before I got there. However, there was still a lot of the great chicken she’d bought and before the icebox cake came out, so it wasn’t that late. There were also a few of the other Jezebels there, though technically they have their own website where they call themselves Harpies. Yes, it’s all about irony and “owning” the insult. One of them is not only from Georgia like myself, but also from the adjoining suburb of College Park. As we continued to talk things got oddly southern when she said she called one of her relatives “Miss Bernice” which is how my grandmother was referred to. This was to the delight of a few other party guests who strangely found people from Georgia fascinating, so to have two in one space just captivated them. Strangest part of all? They were from fucking Virginia. Now after my recent drinking experience that left me a little worse for wear, I really haven’t been drinking much. In fact, until that night it didn’t dawn on me that I hadn’t had anything to drink in about two weeks. But judging by the quick effect the prosecco had on me (and the headache the following day) that’s a muscle that didn’t appreciate the neglect. As before I closed the party out around 2:00 am, with a little geek Jezebel at my side, though not my kind of geek as she’s obsessed with Lord of the Rings. Still, she won special points with me because she was born and raised in Manhattan (her father a professor at Columbia who married one of his students and while they’re divorced, to this day she still resents getting an A- in his class) and that was the first time she’d ever ridden on the Q train in her life. That’s right. Some trains are strictly the province of “you people” not us Manhattanites. But one dark taint I do have from the party was that I was made to watch various videos from Flight of the Concords, a show whose cult I’ve successfully avoided like others such as Lost, Mad Men, True Blood and The Sopranos. Unfortunately, that shit was damn funny so I may have to drink the kool aid now.

LOVE AT FIRST BLOOD

I won’t lie: I’m in love with that soccer player who was beating the shit out of the other girls on the field. I’d put a ring on that.

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WHERE THE DYSFUNCTIONAL THINGS ARE

1. Michael Jackson’s This Is It Wknd/$ 21.3 Total/$ 32.5

2. Paranormal Activity/Paramount Wknd/$ 16.5 Total/$ 84.8

3. Law Abiding Citizen/Over Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 51.4

4. Couples Retreat/Universal Wknd/$ 6.1 Total/$ 86.7

5. Saw VI/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 22.8

6. Where the Wild Things Are/Warner Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 22.8

8. Astro Boy/Summit Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 10.9

9. Amelia/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 8.3

7. The Stepfather/SG Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 24.7

10. The Vampire’s Assistant/Universal Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 71.2

I GUESS “LAST GRASP AT RELEVANCY” WAS A LITTLE TOO ACCURATE

Michael Jackson’s This Is It opens at number one and I think it says it all that the first thing that comes to mind is the Kenny Loggins’ song. They couldn’t think of a better title more pertaining to his work? What could be better than “Michael Jackson’s Don’t Stop ‘Till You Get Enough”? My personal feelings about the man aside, I won’t deny his skill as a performer so there is some curiosity to see this…when it airs on MTV in a few months. Or should I say, VH1?

DEMON OR CPA? WHICH IS WORSE?

Down to number two is Paranormal Activity which is now the most profitable movie ever made, meaning in terms of dollars spent to dollars earned, it’s made more money than anything else, theatrically speaking. It cost under a million dollars and has made $87M so far, whereas Titanic cost $200M and would have to have grossed $17.4 BILLION DOLLARS to be the equivalent. It made 1.8. Now, let’s see how much of this money actually gets back to the filmmakers. They only think they know what horror is. Wait until they meet Hollywood accounting.

AND THEN THEY FELL IN LOVE

Law Abiding Citizen actually rises to number three due clearly to the lack of anything else even resembling testosterone in the top ten. What the hell else are two guys without dates supposed to see? “Yo, dude. What about that movie with that dude from 300?” “Yeah, bro! I loved 300!” And that’s how that happened.

OKAY, MAYBE DENNIS QUAID IN JAWS 3-D

Couples Retreat actually rises to number four while Saw VI actually falls to number five on Halloween weekend no less. Who saw that coming? Clearly not the struggling young actors who saw getting cast in this genre franchise as quick career boost. Sorry to break it to you kids, but it wouldn’t have worked. Either way you’re going to go down in infamy alongside those nameless bodies of previous franchises like Friday The 13^th, Nightmare on Elm Street and Halloween. Now that I think of it, did anyone ever come out of a horror franchise sequel? Sure, James Cameron came out of Piranha 2, but that was hardly a franchise and Johnny Depp was in the first Nightmare on Elm Street. This has also got to be a disappointment for the falling stars trying to hitch their wagons. Not that Costas Mandylor was ever a star. Nor was the bodacious Betsy Russell, who will forever be known to a generation of men as the much hotter girl Matthew Modine should have cheated on Phoebe Cates with in Private School.

NEXT: GO, DOG, GO AS EXAMINATION OF PUPPY FARMS

Down to number six is Where the Wild Things are and while I finally got around to seeing it and I have to admit, the real reason I was slow was my own desire or lack thereof. Let’s face it: if I really want to see your movie, I’m there at midnight Wednesday like I was for Batman Begins or 10:00 am Sunday morning like I was for Death Race. As it turns out I was correct in my reticence, because what I remember of Where the Wild Things are wasn’t a fairy tale of dysfunction monsters miserable on an island visited by an equally dysfunctional kid. How Max became the angry product of a broken household who carries his issues of rage and need for attention over into fantasy is something only the mind of hip indie director could tell you, as clearly, happy stories are just for the illiterate masses. Surely, I’m not the only person who saw the main monster who looks like an evil H.R. Puffinstuff (here called Carol with the voice of James Gandolfini) and didn’t necessarily think, “Oh, he should have anger issues due to his fears.” Basically, he’s Max’s primary alter ego in the film, as in the beginning we see Max playing alone and when his teenaged sister first ignores him then doesn’t see to him when her friends accidentally hurt him while playing with him, his response is to then go to her room and trash it. When “Carol” gets upset, he trashes things. Oh, and that the monster with the horn was passive-aggressive also eluded me, as did the idea that the one who looked like a goat suffers from low self-esteem. I won’t say the film is bad, but this is simply not an interpretation I agree with. But it has the stamp of approval from none other than Maurice Sendak himself, so I guess a happy, lyrical adaptation of his book (with music for someone who lives outside Williamsburg might appreciate) wasn’t on his mind either. I didn’t mind it being a little scary because the book always had a hint of that for me (they are monsters after all), but emotionally fearful was a bit much for me. I couldn’t wait to leave Max’s dysfunctional real life at the beginning for the Wild Things, but after five minutes with the Wild Things who are seemingly only capable of expressing emotions good and bad through violent acts (when Max is declared king, we see the bones of the previous kings that have been killed), I kinda needed him to go home so I could too.

CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUFFY

The Stepfather is down to number seven, followed by Astro Boy at number eight and while you could pass off Nicholas Cage’s participation here as part of his well-known geekdom (though he’s currently suing his accountant because of millions in back taxes), let’s see who’s here for fun and who needs the career boost. Samuel L. Jackson, Bill Nighy, Charlize Theron, Donald Sutherland and even Nathan Lane and Eugene Levy don’t need the boost. Also for Freddie Highmore this is part of the gig as a kid, so actually we’re missing the usual “grasping for straws” suspects like Ed Begley Jr or Tara Reid. Only Kristin Bell is clearly using this solidify her geek cred, which I’m still at a loss to understand as Veronica Mars was neither science fiction nor horror. I know the initial days Post-Buffy The Vampire Slayer were empty, but did you damn geeks have to hop on anything that came down the pike?

ACCOUNTANTS DO CRY

Amelia enters the top ten at number nine and apparently this is as dull and as turgid a biopic as it looks and Hillary Swank is apparently going to set some kind of record with “Most Bad A-List Movies From An Oscar Winner.” Yeah, you can say her agent got her two Oscars, but that’s all he’s gotten her. She has yet to make a film that anyone takes pleasure in seeing. Neither Million Dollar Baby nor Boys Don’t Cry are what I’d call fun and when she tries for light you get things like The Core and P.S. I Love You (with the other career suicide specialist, Gerard Butler).

LOOKS LIKE IT’S TWILIGHT FOR THEM. GET IT? SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

Finally, Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant closes out the top ten at number ten and as it turns out this is actually based on the second book in the series so they were clearly hoping the teen vampire thing would carry them. They were wrong.

I’M TOO SEXY, TOO SEXY FOR MYSELF, SO SEXY IT HURTS

So Dr. Drew’s Sexual Rehab show started and among the people in sexual rehab are: a pro surfer who had HPV in his throat; the former drummer for Skid Row, the Playmate who made the sex tape with Colin Farrell; a film director whose taste for “beautiful straight boys” developed in prison; former Miss USA Teen who lost her title because she posed for Playboy; Amber Smith, back from the drug show who has exchanged drugs for men, though not necessarily sexual, and of course porn stars. The first is Kendra Jade who made the tabloids by supposedly hooking up with K-Fed, but the most notable thing to me is that she’s married to Lukas from Rockstar: Supernova a few years ago! Also there is porn star Penny Flame (it makes perfect sense to me her real name IS JENNIFER) and true to the C-list nature of this show she was never a big star in the world of porn either, and it’s a sad sign when at the beginning of the show she insists she’s “kind of a big deal.” I suppose having a sex addiction and being a porn star makes sense to people, but it’s more like being an alcoholic and being a taster for Budweiser. Of course at least two people have admitted to childhood molestation (in one instance it was then coupled by multiple rapes during the teen years), a third is coming and frankly Dr. Drew clearly suspects it of everyone. It’s also sadly telling that there are more women than men because having a lot of sex isn’t considered a “problem” for a man and is a lot less likely to fuck up his life so long as he keeps it from affecting his job. A woman is a lot more likely to feel the effects of a sexual addiction from society at large and be motivated to seek change. It’s also telling that every woman was technically in the business of being desired, from teen beauty queen, to model to porn star. That lets you know they aren’t as different as you’d like to think. While all the men are here have been successful because of skills they possess. Yeah, I couldn’t watch the drug rehab show because it was just too depressing. I don’t think this is going to be any different.

WORKING CLASS HORNDOG

I love to hate the show Californication, but right now I just love it because Rick Springfield is on it playing…Rick Springfield. Or rather an exaggerated version of himself (in reality Rick has been married for 25 years, not out going down on housewives who pay a thousand dollars to spend the day with him) and it is an unexpected treat for me having Showtime back. And Susan Sarandon clearly gave her daughter the gift of boobs, which are on display, as she’s playing a stripper who’s sleeping with her teacher, David Duchovny, still playing this menopausal male fantasy role, where his students male and female want him (yes, Chuck Bass briefly played a student in love with him), his Teaching Assistant wants him (and is sleeping with him) and the dean’s wife (played by that woman Mark Darcy was dating in Bridget Jones’s Diary) wants him. I have no doubt the writing staff of this show looks like collision between a Weight Watchers meeting and a Rogaine seminar.