“WARD, I’M ARAID THE BEAVER IS A JIVE SUCKA WHO AIN’T GOT NO SENSE” Meet The Spartans opens at number one and I’m pretty sure the funniest parts are all in the trailer. This is from those guys that cranked out Epic Movie and Date Movie. They started out as writers on Spy Hard then moved to the Scary Movie franchise and now they’re directing their own crap. Of course, I say this without ever seeing a frame of this or Epic Movie or Date Movie. The difference between these guys and Zucker Abrams, Zucker (Airplane, The Naked Gun movies) and even the Wayans Family is that even in the trailer there’s one incredibly funny joke and maybe even two. Absolutely nothing in the trailers for this was as funny as just the concept of the MTV Best Spoof Film, United 300, which tastelessly put the Spartans on a highjacked plane (but nothing on this earth will ever be funnier than setting the trailer for 300 to “It’s Raining Men” by The Weathergirls).
And why call this Meet The Spartans given it’s years after both Meet The Parents and Meet The Fockers!?! And where in the trailer do they reference Meet The Parents!?! Lame, lame, lame. And come on…Britney Spears? Is that your idea of wit? Sigh. This is a far cry from June Cleaver talking jive.
RICHARD CRENNA ACTUALLY DIED TO GET OUT DOING THIS Rambo (which is technically First Blood 4 and Rambo 3) opens at number two and see what happens when America can’t clearly win wars overseas? We get this fantasy bullshit, the irony being the last fucking Rambo movie actually took place in Afghanistan! Um, given how he knows the people and the terrain, why isn’t he going back there now!?! Because there’s a good chance the guy on the horse to his left in Rambo III was fucking Osama Bin Laden, that’s why. Kinda embarrassing when the last people Rambo freed turned around and committed the most devastating terrorist attack in human history. But even Burma is bullshit because there actually is a fight for freedom going on over there right now but it’s being done by monks , so if there are any movies to be made there it should be Jet Li as one of the two-thousand warrior monks he’s played throughout his career. I never watched Rambo: First Blood Pt. II all the way through, much less Rambo III (which was actually First Blood Pt. 3 and Rambo 2), so I’ll never see this either. Not even on cable will I put myself through this crap.
“OOH, YOU MAKE ME LIVE…” 27 Dresses is down to number three and also in this as the perennial “best friend” is Judy Greer, whom I love and actually should have been the lead here, only Katherine Heigl is obviously the bigger star. In case you’re not placing her, she was Kitty the secretary who kept flashing Jason Bateman on Arrested Development; the best friend/possible love interest on wonderful-but-short-lived “love monkey”; David Duchovny’s best friend in The TV Set; Jennifer Garner’s bitchy best friend in 13 Going On 30; Orlando Bloom’s sister in Elizabethtown; Jennifer Lopez’s best friend in The Wedding Planner; and Erin the poor file girl Mel Gibson is convinced is suicidal in What Women Want (she also sadly dropped her top for sex scenes with Nicholas Cage in Adaptation and Gary Shandling in What Planet Are You From). So, no she never gets the hot guy, ever. The best she’s done so far is being a multi-episode love interest for Charlie Sheen on Two And A Half Men. As I’ve mentioned before, the cruelest irony here is, when she auditioned for The TV Set she was auditioning for the role of the actress who is tired of playing the best friend. She was instead cast as the best friend. Ouch.
SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST Cloverfield drops down to number four and the director has suggested that the sequel will be the same night but from a different camera. So basically he wants you to pay again to see the same goddamn movie. I think not. The only way I’ll see the sequel to this is if this bullshit POV cam is left behind. That trick only works once and barely then.
CTRL-ALT-REPEAT Untraceable opens at number five and what is the real female action movie, my drooges? No, it’s not shit like Charlie’s Angels or Lara Croft. It’s the “estro-thriller” in the Silence of the Lambs mode. Jodie Foster knows it, which is why she followed it with Panic Room and Flightplan. So does Ashley Judd, who followed Kiss The Girls with Double Jeopardy. JLo tried with The Cell, but promptly blew it with Enough. The rules of the estro-thriller are simple: you start with a woman, preferably a mother, have her be wronged by a man, be he her lover or just some asshole criminal have him make the key mistake of threatening either her child or someone she can be maternal for and we pop open a can of whoop-ass for the final act. Also throw in a strong dude/father figure to help her out (Scott Glenn, Morgan Freeman, Tommy Lee Jones, Vince Vaughn) but in the end it’s her show. This is no exception to any of those rules and follows the formula well enough that it’s a nice way to spend 90 minutes. Diane Lane is the leading lady this time. She’s an FBI agent working nights in the cybercrime division while being a single mother to her daughter. In the first of many refreshing turns, we aren’t beaten over the head with the fact she’s a widow and her late husband was cop. It comes out in small, well-placed pieces through the duration of the film, thanks mostly to the local cop on the task force to help her find the guy who’s killing people by putting them online and as the viewer count increases the method of death accelerates in some interesting ways such as using a blood thinner which causes a few cuts to become lethal (making this somewhat the grandchild of Se7en and the child of Saw, I’m afraid). In another refreshing change, not only are the police and FBI not morons, but they also work well together without petty bickering over jurisdiction. In fact, Diane Lane doesn’t want the case, but since she catches it first it’s her assignment. Oh, and her boss isn’t a moron who doesn’t believe her either. He knows she’s smart and lets her do her job and she does, figuring out the reason behind the murders (which is actually pretty interesting and in more seasoned hands would have said something about the bloodlust of the audience, which as been with us since the days of Ancient Rome). Even the good-looking cop working with her isn’t forced on us as a love interest. But there are dumb concessions to the genre that must be made. First of all, the bad guy is kidnapping and killing people and then moving their bodies around without being noticed, which should have been impossible, given the FBI and local police were out looking for him, and in one instance he actually drops the body in the driveway of a congressman without being noticed! Also, the bad guy comes after her and she never, ever seems to close the curtains on the windows in her house, which no normal person does, much less seasoned law enforcement officer. And when she’s obviously targeted by the killer, she’s not given a 24/7 escort like we know full well she’d receive. None of this is helped by the fact we get to meet the bad guy long before he’s caught and once you see him, it takes tremendous suspension of disbelief to accept he’s doing all this alone. Finally, if I told you Diane Lane had a partner who was somewhat of a comic relief what would you give his chances of surviving? Exactly. These people might as well be wearing the red shirts from Star Trek. A better writer and director would have been able to avoid these clichés and make a statement and still have their film work, but for what it is, it’s not bad.
NO MORE MEAN GIRLS, NOW NICE PREGNANT GIRLS Juno crosses the $100M mark at number six, which I’d love to credit the Oscar nominations, but you don’t see Atonement anywhere around here do you? No, the real credit goes to teenagers. They are flocking to see this thing. I thought it was just me catching an odd group the morning I went, but someone else said the same. Then I remembered it was only PG-13 so they could all go. Yeah, I can see how kids would really be into this. And guess who’s going to be getting all the scripts that would have once gone to Lindsay Lohan now? And unlike her, Ellen Page has an Oscar nomination under her belt. She’s pretty much the anti-Lindsay Lohan at this point. The only question is, will she stay the indie course or go for the big money and prizes in Hollywood?
THAT’S ME STRETCHING IN THE THEATER LOBBY The Bucket List is down to number seven followed by There Will Be Blood at number eight and this is the result of Oscar nominations—and a doubling of the amount of theaters where it’s playing. This is a long, dark movie and so I have to prepare myself for it, both mentally and physically (a limit of fluid intake because it’s two-and-a-half hours long). I’m not there yet. I may need help.
IT’S NOT LIKE SHE’S GOT A RAP CAREER TO FALL BACK ON National Treasure: Book of Secrets is down to number nine, followed by Mad Money closing out the top ten at number ten and how many of these will Queen Latifah get before she burns off all her Chicago goodwill? Katie Holmes has forever because she’s Mrs. Tom Cruise and if Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz have taught us anything it’s, if you’re with Tom, you’ll continue get A-list work no matter how many of your movies bomb.
IT’S A HONOR JUST TO BE NOMINATED Speaking of the Academy Awards, as much as we bitch about stardom and box office being rewarded over actual talent and artistic achievement, there simply ain’t much glamour in the latter, much less fun. I mean, I saw Juno and enjoyed it, but did Ellen Page really deserve her Oscar nomination more than Angelina Jolie would have deserved one? And with Angelina you get her and Brad on the red carpet. With Ellen Page all you get is you get a guarantee that Jennifer Anniston will now attend. And while my love for Cate Blanchett knows no bounds, she did not deserve a nomination for Elizabeth: The Golden Age. Sorry. Keira Knightely probably didn’t deserve one for Atonement either, but it would have added some youthful glamour to the proceedings (and Cate will still be there for Best Supporting Actress). Speaking of youth, apparently Amy Adams rocked Enchantment but gets dick from the Academy that is apparently on a “bummer” tour this year, ignoring the fact that COMEDY IS MORE DIFFICULT. I’m not gonna argue Ruby Dee’s sympathy vote for American Gangster, but it really pales compared to what Jennifer Garner did in Juno and since we’re giving it shit is doesn’t deserve, how about in of the few instances it did? And with Jennifer Garner, you get Ben Affleck and the hope JLO and Mark Anthony won’t attend. Not to mention, if you’re going to honor indie comedies about knocked up leads, what about Adrienne Shelly’s swansong, Waitress!?! Where’s her goddamn sympathy vote? Similarly, while it’s hard to argue the Best Actor nominations (with the exception of Johnny Depp), it would have been more fun with Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe and Christian Bale, who also kicked ass in Rescue Dawn. But I have to give it up for Sean Penn almost completely shut out for Into the Wild. Any institution that blows off two of the pretentious, humorless fuckers alive (Eddie Vedder got dick for soundtrack) is okay in my book.
I’VE SEEN A MILLION FRENCH FRIES AND ROCKED THEM ALL! So my burger tour was interrupted a few years back by a job loss, but now that we’re employed (and my brain isn’t bleeding) the time has come to begin it again! I started with State on 12th between 5th and University with Chasing Amy and it was a seriously auspicious beginning. Let me put it this way, my burger with blue cheese sauce was so good I didn’t want to put ketchup on it. I may never return to Paul’s Hamburger Palace again which is the equivalent of changing my religion. They also have a substantial microbrewery list if you go that way (not to mention alcoholic shakes). We got a pitcher of something I’ll never try again, but they’ve got a 2-For-1 burger thing going on (between 10 and midnight) that will pretty have me back before the end of this week. We stopped by Bowlmoor Lanes but it was a bit too young and crowed and ultimately wound up on 14th and Avenue A at Otto’s Shrunken Heads, where 30-something punks and rockabilly lovers go to die. Okay, maybe they weren’t all that old, but it definitely wasn’t the youngest bar I’ve ever been in. Though I can’t recall when I last saw so many women with so many garish arm tattoos. These are people who get tattoos because they mean it, not silly sorority girls getting the “tramp stamp” on their lower backs to be “different…just like all their friends.” The bar is owned by a friend from college of Chasing Amy’s boyfriend that he ran into on a flight back from Pittsburgh over Christmas. It seems that even back in college she was throwing parties with bands playing in her basement. He said he knew wherever she was there’d be groups of “hedonistic misfits” (which is now the name of my band) and the bar was no exception. Most notable was the fairly attractive couple sitting right next to me who went into a full tilt make-out session complete with multiple trips to third base by him---with the phone still in his hand! I can only hope for her sake he had it set to vibrate. But this is where the difference between kids and adults came into play. Adults would have taken that party home. When we left a little after 2:00 am they were still circulating with their friends. Or maybe he just blew it when, in the middle of a clinch, I heard him call her “dude.” Between that and breaking a third base clinch to check his phone, I’m pretty sure that didn’t go down. If a woman is so generous (or drunk) to let you touch her vagina, you’d better realize there’s no fucking message in this world so important you take your hand away. You have to ask yourself, “What would Bill Clinton do?”
CHEER UP, SLEEPY JEAN So Death came out swinging for ’08. Suzanne Pleshette, best known as Emily from the Bob Newhart show; Allan Melvin who played Sam the Butcher on The Brady Bunch; Sir Endmund Hillary who scaled Mount Everest; Vampira the TV hostess; then Bobby Fischer and Brad Renfro until finally Heath Ledger, who mistakenly thought he could medicate his own pneumonia…along with his depression…and his insomnia…all at the same time. But I cannot front. I obviously hate hospitals at this point and so would probably do something equally stupid with the same sad result. Oh, we also lost John Stewart. No, not that one, dumbass. The one who was a member of The Kingston Trio and wrote “Daydream Believer” and who traveled performing with Robert Kennedy on hi campaign. And you know what killed him? An aneurysm.
WE ARE FAMILY Finally, Surrogate Sister’s brother (the one her parents gave her) has his band used for a USA promo spot:
HONESTLY, I’D RATHER SEE THE GODZILLA REMAKE AGAIN Cloverfield opens at number one and this is the film geek movie du jour because those little assholes are going apeshit all over this, and while it’s a decent enough variation on the “giant monster attacks city” genre, it’s not the birth of a new age of film. Like all good monster movies, it begins first with the people. Everything is shot from the POV of one video camera and you have to suspend your disbelief enough to think with the world going to hell around them, they wouldn’t DROP THE FUCKING CAMERA AND RUN! Or at least turn the damn thing off. And you have to accept that people would always look directly into the camera and not say, INTO THE FACE OF THE PERSON THEY’RE TALKING TO HOLDING THE CAMERA. Like I said, it’s asking for a lot. So this one camera begins at the going away party for a guy who recently slept with his longtime crush---only to blow her off immediately because he was leaving, but then still be pissed when she shows up at his going away party with another guy. We follow this drama for a bit (my favorite part being his brother telling him he’s got a tendency to be a tremendous douche) when the trouble starts. The earth shakes, explosions erupt and suddenly the head of the Statue of Liberty comes flying down the street (done first in the movie Deep Impact, by the way). We get bits and pieces of the monster at first, but then while the character holding the camera watches TV (of course he films TV, so we can see) we finally see it….and it’s not that impressive. Yeah, it’s hard to come up with something new, but give me a giant dinosaur type any day. Everyone initially heads toward to Brooklyn Bridge to get out of the city, but then the monster destroys that (taking out the non-douche brother) and our remaining group heads back into the city. The Douche gets a phone call from the girl saying she’s trapped, so he decides to go rescue her. His friends come with him because if they don’t who’s gonna die one-by-one? The hero guy can’t die, so it’s gotta be the friends. At one point they decide to walk up through the subway tunnels and are attacked by these spider-crab things that fall off the monster’s body. Now this is when you know you’re in a typical monster movie, because when they notice the rats running away from something, rather than run themselves, they stop to see what the rats are running from, because apparently the GIANT FUCKING MONSTER ON THE SURFACE WASN’T A CLUE! But the real problem with the movie is the same thing that hurt so many people with The Blair Witch Project and even the last two Bourne films: motion sickness from all the shaky camera work. The film is only 98 minutes, but it couldn’t have ended soon enough for me. This is why I missed the last shot twist which I won’t ruin for you here, but I can say don’t waste your time for the “credit surprise” that people are talking about. It’s a voice RUN BACKWARDS setting up the sequel, which is coming because this cost $25M to make and has already made $41M.
AND SHE’S BETTER LOOKING THAN JULIA ROBERTS TOO 27 Dresses opens at number two and this is Katherine Heigel’s bid to be the first person to jump the Grey’s Anatomy ship. She’s already had issues with her contract and a hit earlier this year with Knocked Up, so the clock is ticking, and Cloverfield not withstanding, this is a pretty good opening. This isn’t anything great, but I enjoyed my 100 minutes, mainly because I had second thoughts about going and was looking for a reason not to. This means my expectations were pretty much zero. It’s not a zero movie and while it follows exactly the path you expect there are enough good lines and enough of a darker edge that it’s still better than anything Julia Roberts has ever done (yes, I hate her work that much). Heigel is the woman who’s been a bridesmaid 27 times and as the film opens, she’s shuttling forth between two weddings on the same night. We learn she got this sense of responsibility because she pretty much had to raise her sister after her mother’s death. Now, this is where the film stumbles because you don’t bring in a set up like this and then not give it its due. Also when her younger sister winds up engaged to the man she secretly loves, they stack the deck by making the younger sister a lying bitch. It would have been a more complex interesting movie if here sister were genuinely a nice person. However, it does do well in making her eventual love interest, James Marsden, not just some random guy she meets, but a wedding writer who goes in pursuit of her when he notices her wedding commute at the beginning of the film. I’ve little patience for “just happened to meet cute.” They’re both in the same place at the same time for valid reasons. He believes a story on her will get him out of his hole as a wedding writer. You know how that’s going to end and there are no surprises there. What carries the movie is Katherine Heigel. Freed from the burden of having to pretend liking an ugly fat guy (and be the empty vessel of a geek’s fantasy) she makes the most of this leading role. I will follow her to her next job.
LET’S RUN THE SUN ALSO RISES PUN INTO THE GROUND The Bucket List is down to number three, followed by Juno at number four and this was directed by Jason Reitman, the son of Ivan Reitman, who directed Ghostbusters, Meatballs and Stripes, so basically there’d be no Bill Murray without him, but while Bill Murray did good work outside him, Retiman’s other efforts includes shit like Twins, Legal Eagles, Kindergarten Cop, Junior, Father’s Day, Evolutions, Six Days Seven Nights…basically all-star, unfunny comedies. Jason is doing okay so far, taking a bit more indie path than his dad, beginning with Thank You For Smoking and now this. He joins Jake Kasdan (son of Lawrence Kasdan)and the Coppolla kids (Roman and Sofia) for being one of the few examples of nepotism that actually pan out.
ANNIE FALLS First Sunday is down to number five, followed by National Treasure: Book of Secrets at number six and Mad Money opening at number seven and this stinks of every formula movie that Touchstone made in the 80’s. If they’d made it then it would have been Bette Midler, Whoopi Goldberg and Shannon Doherty. Honestly, who saw this and thought, “Damn, wonder if I can make the next showing?” It reeks on first sight. And then there’s the fact that Diane Keaton can’t choose a project to save her life. When Woody Allen went bad he didn’t just destroy his legacy, but crippled her career as well. But what’s really sad about this is that it also signals the continuing failure of Calli Khouri to make a career. She was the screenwriter of Thelma & Louise and it’s pretty much been downhill from there. Granted she directed this, not wrote it, but she wrote the screenplay for Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (which she also directed) and Something to Talk About. She’s showing that women can be one trick ponies like any dude, but still get more chances to fail. I mean how do you write and direct a flop but still get direct what is essentially an A-list film? Thelma & Louise was a looooong time ago, people. Still she’s got a small place in my heart for saying that she couldn’t get over how Knocked Up simply doesn’t work for her because the dude was too ugly.
CHIPMUNK TRIUMPHANT Alvin & The Chipmunks is down to number eight and has made almost $200M dollars ($280 worldwide). At a cost of $60M, it is well into the black even before mom and dad buy a copy for their kids, so look forward to more films. Jason Lee’s kids are going to the best college money can buy. And while Patton Oswalt may have mocked David Cross’s participation in this, David need only roll up the windows in his new Lexus not to hear him. You know who else is having one hell of a year? Justin Long. Yeah, the Mac Guy. He’s the voice of Alvin (not that it matters, considering every sped up voice sounds exactly the same). Soon he’s going to realize he can do better than Drew Barrymore. Yeah, I said it.
IF YOU CAN DESTROY WHAT’S THERE, YOU CAN DESTROY ANYWHERE I Am Legend is down to number nine giving us two movies showing us New York getting the ass end of something. People are bitching that it’s always New York getting attacked and wiped out in movies. You’re damn right it’s always NYC. Who the fuck wants to see a movie where Boston falls? That’s not a tragedy, it’s a fucking public service. Better yet if the population is still there. And am I the only person who thinks that the “engineering snuff film” Life After People, essentially came from I Am Legend and its efforts to show a deserted Manhattan? It’s pretty much a look at the other side of an apocalypse, because the entire show is based around humanity suddenly disappearing, meaning we’re wiped out by something. It was enjoyable, though obviously very morbid. And once again, no one was showing how Boston or Philadelphia was going to die because no one gives a shit. Watching the Brooklyn or Golden Gate Bridges go down, however, commands your attention.
X Finally, Atonement, holds at number ten, waiting patiently for its Oscar nominations to come down the pike.
BITE ME Not breaking the top ten is Teeth, the horror-comedy about a girl with vaginal dentata. Yes, “vagina with teeth.” Much like Cloverfield it follows the basic conventions of every genre movie you’ve ever seen, but with a small twist. In that case it was the point-of-view you were allowed, but in this case it’s the nature of “the monster.” We even begin here with the obvious source of “the monster”: the nuclear plant nearby. And like a traditional B-monster movie, you get your “explanation” in a none-too-subtle fashion, like a classroom lecture that “just happens” to be about an evolutionary jump in animals. But the origins of her condition are never really explained because like Cloverfield we’re missing “the scientist who explains it all.” I personally think it would have been better to have this be part of some sort of genetic trait or curse that’s passed down through her family, and they toy with that when she explores the legend of the “vagina dentata” which is essentially a male castration anxiety myth. It’s pretty much a fear of pussy, which I consider a perfectly valid fear (that thing is dark and mysterious and scary and can take so much more than you can dish out). But in the myth, the way to defeat “vagina dentata” was through a hero who could break the teeth and free the girl from her curse. Here, however, the teeth are merely a defense mechanism, only coming out if someone is a threat to her, as in her fellow abstinence member who tries to rape her. Then there’s the creepy gynecologist who shoves an ungloved hand in her and winds up losing a few fingers. However, when she eventually beds the apparent nice guy, who lights candles and actually engages in foreplay (with a finger vibe no less), he escapes unscathed, so in away this ups the male anxiety to a higher degree, because if you fail to be a good lover, the cost is your dick. As a little low-budget satire it does work, but its flaw is actually part of what makes it work. They play it totally straight, like a real horror movie, which is funny but not as funny as the scenes where they camp it up just a bit straight comedy. It could have used a bit more of that energy throughout.
SUPERMAN VS. CHEAP, CRAZY MORONS The problem with reading is, if you read one book, you want to read more. So after reading Forever I found myself wanting another. Luckily fate foresaw my need and released Superman Vs. Hollywood: How Fiendish Producers, Devious Directors and Warring Writers Grounded an American icon just last week. It’s the story of all the media adaptations of Superman, starting with the radio serials through the 50’s TV show, to the various animated shows climaxing in the most recent movie. Basically it’s why so many of them sucked out loud. Usually it was budgetary constraints; other times family groups insisting that Superman had to be toned down to protect the kids, but in the case of the films, it was pure hubris of producers and directors who knew little and cared less. Nowhere was this better personified than in Jon Peters and Tim Burton who both were into a Superman who didn’t fly or wear a red and blue suit, which is like saying you want to make a King Kong movie where the ape isn’t a giant and doesn’t climb the Empire State Building. The book is nothing but a fun read and cost me sleep, ‘cause I finished it in two days.
DICK-SUCKING COLD DOESN’T CONVEY THE PAIN Even before the brain-bleed I was trying to make a point of seeing my friends whenever I could after spending so much time working two jobs and not having a choice, so when one of my friends from Columbia House said she’d be in town taking a little break from suburban bliss in New Jersey I promised I’d meet her. This became easier when she said she’d like to watch the game. This meant I wouldn’t be glancing at my watch when I was with her. There were two primary groups of girls I spent my time with at Columbia House: My Geek Girls (obviously) and the girls in marketing, who were more than once referred to as “Charlie’s Angels.” Even seeming independents like Chasing Amy, The Lunatic and Miss Pretty Boy would have fit into either group (Miss Pretty Boy and The Lunatic would have been Geek Girls and Chasing Amy one of the Angels). This particular friend was one of the Angels and was the meanest and most sarcastic, which obviously meant she has a special place in my heart. I’ll call her AJ Smile because she does have Angelina Jolie’s smile. She has her boobs too on a similarly thin frame, but “AJ Boobs” just doesn’t work. AJ Smile was staying down at a hotel in Battery Park City and the joke was this is what came up when she did a search on Hotwire for “SoHo hotel.” I decided to spare her the trip and met her at the Wall Street Merchant’s bar. As it turns out we’d both done a certain amount of drinking at the 7th Avenue location because we both had connections to the managers there. This wasn’t like the others because it was white and plastic whereas the others are usually brown and wood. You’d think if any location was going to adhere to that it’d be the one closest to money. We settled in at the bar to eat and drink throught the end of the Patriots/Chargers game and the duration of the Giants/Packers game. In retrospect we just should have ordered the bottle of wine because going by the glass essentially nickeled & dimed us to the point where we could have bought two bottles. As with most of my girls, she keeps it real and she keeps it raw and booze only let that horse run even more free and after awhile we were sharing the advantages of sleeping with Catholics we probably shouldn’t have been sleeping with in the first place. Though my favorite line from her that night was, “One day I’ll run into Julian McMahon in an alley and good things will happen.” She also uses the expression “buttfucking cold” so I don’t feel so alone in the world in incredibly vulgar phrases. Since AJ Smile was also in the video department with me she has a fair amount of movie and TV knowledge and we were able to discuss those at length as well as the prerequisite celebrity gossip (I hadn’t heard the rumors of Tom Cruise and Matchbox 20 lead singer, Rob Thomas). And all while watching the game. Being from New York, she was a Giants fan while I (and everyone in the corporate offices of the NFL and every marketing and advertising agency in the world) wanted the dream Super Bowl of Brett Farve vs. Tom Brady. I was disappointed for Brett Farve, but you can’t hate on Eli Manning. It’s the American way to pull for the scrappy underdog and that’s what he’s been, living in the shadow of his obviously superior brother, Peyton (and I love the bummed out Pep Talk that’s running now for MasterCard). Unlike the Patriots who pretty much became villains due to their habit of running up the score, Eli has fought tooth and nail for all he’s got, with the entire Tri-State area bitching at him the entire time, as they’ve apparently forgotten what life was like before he showed up (and when they lose the Super Bowl, they’ll start ripping on him again). Next up on my visitor list: Nice Jewish Doctor in February.
1. The Bucket List/Warner Wknd/$ 19.5 Total/$ 21.0 2. First Sunday/ScreenGems Wknd/$ 19.0 Total/$ 19.0 3. Juno/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 71.3 4. National Treasure 2/BV Wknd/$ 11.5 Total/$ 187.3 5. Alvin & The Chipmunks/Fox Wknd/$ 9.0 Total/$ 187.7 6. I Am Legend/Warner Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 240. 7. One Missed Call/Warner Wknd/$ 6.1 Total/$ 20.6 6. Charlie Wilson’s War/Universal Wknd/$ 8.2 Total/$ 52.6 8. P.S. I Love You/Warners Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 47.0 9. The Pirates Who Don’t/Univ Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 4.4 10.Atonement/Focus Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 25.2
SUCKIT LIST The Bucket List finally goes wide and moves into the number one slot. This seems like it’s been around forever to me because I live in NYC and this was released here and in LA to try and get some Oscar notice---except it turned out to be as saccharine as it looks in the trailers and was pretty much trashed by the critics. Honestly, how did this Hallmark Hall of Fame movie escape to the big screen and pick up two A-List stars on the way? This is Louis Gossett Jr. and James Garner Sunday night at 9:00, not Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman on almost 3,000 screens (Joel from Northern Exposure and Jack from Will & Grace would still be here, however). One thing about these movies is that it’s always guys with cash to drop. You see them traveling all over the world or racing classic muscle cars, so obviously they’re both pretty well off. Sorry, but it’s easy to go search for meaning in your life when you have money and can visit the pyramids. Show me two old guys who are in a nursing home and break out and half to find it on the cheap, hiking through America. It would probably provide more substance than hopping on a jet, staying at a four star hotel, then having a tour guide take you to one of the seven wonders of the world. And can we get over the cliché of skydiving somehow providing epiphanies of some sort? I want to see the movie where the old man tries skydiving and has a heart attack on the way down or not be moved by it at all. And of course there’s always an estranged child to be reunited with and a grandchild never seen. Yawn. Again, how about someone without obvious holes in their lives, but still searching for some meaning when they discover they’re terminally ill. They shouldn’t feel empty, but they do, which is how life works. Or fails to.
NOT MUCH COMEDY IN A TUESDAY The First Sunday opens at number two and while not a sequel to the Friday movies Ice Cube is going to milk that franchise any way he can, starting with just using days in the title. Can’t do it on Fridays any more? Do it on Sunday. They couldn’t get Chris Tucker back after the first Friday and replaced him with the intolerable Mike Epps, but he’s off playing second banana to Martin Lawrence (whose day job is playing second banana to Will Smith when Smith has time) and to has been replaced with Tracey Morgan (who is a giant gaping hole of unfunny on 30 Rock to me) and Kat Williams, who breaks the mold and is actually funny. They probably would have been better off making this his movie. Needless to say, if I didn’t see any of the Friday movies, then I’m not going to see this one or any other day of the week they choose---though it boggles my mind they didn’t choose Saturday and do a remake of Uptown Saturday Night.
MAYBE CLUB TEABAG IF I HAVE TO Juno is down to number three and this may wind up being one of the most profitable movies of 2007, because you know it cost nothing and is making more on a weekly basis than the blockbusters like National Treasure and I Am Legend. And when the money comes in none of the stars are likely getting a cut either. Though I hope writer, Diablo Cody gets a piece. She’s become somewhat famous as she started stripping on a whim while working at an ad agency and then when she started to rise at the agency, she had to choose between them…and chose stripping. Later she wrote a book about it and now is one the most in-demand screenwriters around. I work at an ad agency now. Should I be stripping too? Obviously “Diablo Cody” is her stage name. I’m thinking mine is going to be Bill E. Goat. “Ladies and gentlemen, now on the centerstage here at Club Beef Jerky…BILL…E….GOAT!!!”
BLUE-EYED DEVIL National Treasure: Book of Secrets is down to number four and also in this as the bad guy is Ed Harris and he’s made a career of using those cold blue eyes effectively as guys who, if they weren’t bad guys, they sure as hell were good. From the controlling producer in The Truman Show, to E. Howard Hunt in Nixon to the one-blue-eyed mobster in A History of Violence. This is no exception, but I think he became bored with it, as he forgets his southern accent from time to time. Even more than Helen Mirren, this was just a paycheck and a free trip to London for him.
CHEROKEE NATION Alvin & The Chipmunks is down to number five followed by I Am Legend at number six and popping up in this for half a second is Salli Richardson as Will Smith’s wife. You don’t know her, but in the 90’s she was essentially who you called when you couldn’t get Halle Berry, though she was a bit more exotic being part Cherokee. Geeks know her as the voice of Detective Elisa Maza on the animated show Gargoyles. That show rocked. She was also supposed boning Matthew McConaughey, but she insists they were just friends. Now she can be found on the show Eureka as Salli Richardson-Witfield.
ONE MISSED CAREER PART 2 One Missed Call is down to number seven and also in this is Ed Burns whose career never really lived up to the promise of The Brothers McMullan. You thought that maybe with a little more seasoning he’d make some decent, if not extraordinary films, but he stumbled immediately with She’s The One, undercutting the real story of Cameron Diaz to make an unpleasant, unfunny Brothers McMullen clone. I’ll give him credit for trying to break out a little with a drama in No Looking Back, but probably his best film was his flat-out rip-off of Woody Allen, Sidewalks of New York. And I’m just going through the films he wrote and directed. I’m ignoring his acting work, which includes Saving Private Ryan, Life of Something Like It with Angelina Jolie (as a blonde) and yet another boyfriend for Grace on Will & Grace. Even there is was nothing but mediocre work. Then again, if my private life were filled with Lauren Holly, Heather Graham and then marrying Christy Turlington, I’d be lacking in the necessary angst needed to make good movies either. And it warms my heart to see that he’s gotten a little chunky too.
TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN P.S. I Love You is down to number eight and remember when the cast of “friends” was holding out for a million each per episode? That’s because there weren’t going to get dick from syndication. Look at how many times day that show is running and realize they’re getting almost nothing for it. Now look at Lisa Kudrow as just a costar in this dud of a movie and know they were right to grab the money when the grabbing was good.
AND AS PONTIUS PILATE, BROCCOLI The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A Veggie Tales Movie, opens at number nine and not having kids, all I know about this is that Veggies Tales is heavy on the Christian allegory. But my closest exposure has been The Simpsons episode where they had a Veggie Tales version of The Passion of the Christ. I remember it because it’s one of the few times I’ve laughed at The Simpsons over the past few years.
THE END Finally, Atonement holds at number ten.
HASTA LA VISTA, BABY Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles started and being a geek, I had to check this out. I had issues with Leona Headly playing Sarah Connor because she didn’t get ripped and stripped like Linda Hamilton. But she’s got the no-nonsense hardass downpat and she’s damn sure prettier than Linda Hamilton. This comes with not one, but two built-in geek audiences: original Terminator audiences and fans of Firefly (all 12 of them) as the girl who played River now plays a hot, female Terminator assigned to protect him. She looks a lot better than she ever did on Firefly or in Serenity. The problem with a series of this is that you need to increase your suspension of disbelief. Why on earth would you send a teen girl cyborg when the machines are sending big dudes? And why just one at a time? And why would Sarah Connor stay in America when she should be seriously hiding off the grid in a country that’s not as computerized as we are, starting with frigging Mexico!?! And with all the military hardware Sarah Connor seems able to get her hands on, why do we never see any explosives? Doesn’t she remember that’s how she was able to blow it in half in the first movie (and they do reference the movies in this)? And how about some ARMOR PIERCING BULLETS!?! Now they’re going to stay in one town to fight rather than run. Isn’t someone going to notice the non-stop violence that suddenly pops up? But then again, if you address these things you wouldn’t have a show. I’ll keep watching it, though the same way I keep watching Flash Gordon (and man, does that show ever suck). You have to suck like Stargate or most of the Star Treks to keep me from watching something geeky. I’ve got a high tolerance for crap. Besides, this gives me ass-kicking chicks with guns every week and who doesn’t like that?
“THE WORLD IS MADE FOR PEOPLE WHO LACK SELF-AWARENESS” CRASH DAVIS Obviously, Scott Baio is 45 and Single did very well because here we are back with Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant and for some odd reason this isn’t as funny to me as it was before. Probably because it finally dawned on me that Scott Baio isn’t that much older than I am and this pathetic mid-life change may also be my destiny. No, it’s not as funny as it used to be. Damn, I hate self-awareness. Also back is Rock of Love with Brett Michaels and speaking of self-awareness, here’s a guy with a total lack of it, as he populates his show with girls in their 20’s. Was he really surprised when it didn’t work out with the pink-haired girl? Yeah, I think he was. See, in his mind, he’s still in his 20’s too. This season looks even better because now it’s populated with even skankier girls who saw the first season so they are seriously performing, grasping for their 15 seconds of fame. Now, this I have no problems laughing at because I don’t foresee a mid-life crisis aided and abetted by a never-ending series of strippers and skank-bots. At it makes sense these shows are back-to-back as Brett Michaels and Scott Baio no doubt slept with many of the same women, starting with Pamela Anderson.
DESTINY INDEED Sia, one of the voices for Zero 7, released her second solo album last week and given how much it sucks and how much the last Zero 7 album sucked, they definitely should look into how much they need one another.
1. National Treasure 2/BV Wknd/$ 20.2 Total/$ 171.0 2. I Am Legend/Warner Wknd/$ 16.3 Total/$ 228.6 3. Juno/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 16.2 Total/$ 52.0 4. Alvin & The Chipmunks/Fox Wknd/$ 16.0 Total/$ 176.7 5. One Missed Call/Warner Wknd/$ 13.5 Total/$ 13.5 6. Charlie Wilson’s War/Universal Wknd/$ 8.2 Total/$ 52.6 7. P.S. I Love You/Warners Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 39.4 8. The Water Horse/SonyR Wknd/$ 6.3 Total/$ 30.9 9. Sweeney Todd/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 38.5 10.Atonement/Focus Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 19.2
ASSUMING THE HAL HOLBROOK ROLE National Treasure: Book of Secrets holds on to the number one slot and given how well this is doing, they were somewhat justified in setting up the sequel in this film. However, this still does not change the fact that it’s clumsy, time-consuming and slows down the momentum of the film. Playing the president in this is none other than Bruce Greenwood (say what you want about Clinton, but he made is safe for the president to finally be portrayed by someone under 60 who was actually attractive), who is one of my favorite actors and was cheated of an Oscar nomination for his portrayal of JFK in Thirteen Days, mainly because it was seen as a Kevin Costner film and his [Costner’s] lame Boston accent just dragged everyone down. It warms my heart to see him in a film that’s not only making money, but will guarantee him a job in the sequel. He deserves it after John From Cincinnati. And personally I love that he’s playing Captain Christopher Pike in the Star Trek movie. Almost as much as the idea that Winona Ryder is going to be Spock’s mom. No, I’m not kidding.
NOW YOU KNOW WHY WILL SMITH’S SHIRT WAS OFF I Am Legend actually rises to number three and the last moneymaking movie Bruce Greenwood was in was I Robot with none other than Will Smith. This was directed by Francis Lawrence and if that name isn’t familiar to you then you’re not big Constantine fans. A movie he got apparently based on his superlative work on Britney Spears’s “I’m A Slave 4 U” video or “Waiting For Tonight” for Jennifer Lopez or the videos no one saw from Janet Jackson’s last album that one bought. Yes, he’s gotten two mega-budgeted films with A-list stars based on his fucking video work. And it’s not exactly extraordinary work either. How difficult is it to make a video with JLo and Britney at their peak half-naked and wet? You’d pretty much have to point the camera at the floor to fuck it up.
IT’S SPANISH FOR “ARE YOU AWARE?” Juno rises to number three and I finally did see this and for the first 10-15 minutes it does fulfill my worst fears of indie film by being waaaay to pleased with itself, but then it settles down and becomes a welcome indie bookend to Knocked Up and Ellen Page locks down her position as the next indie “It” girl. It’s the story of a smart (and smart-mouthed) teenage girl who gets knocked up by her best friend and decides to have it and give it to a couple she finds in the penny save newspaper, played by Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner. It’s all you’ve heard, smart, funny and heartfelt. Because this is the indie world, we actually go to the abortion clinic before it’s dismissed. Also because this is an indie film, when Ellen Page forms a relationship with Jason Bateman with whom she shares a number of similar interests, it’s a little more than just paternal. And her refreshingly supportive and loving stepmother realizes it even before she does, warning her against involving herself in the couple’s relationship. At the same time she’s dealing with her supposed ambivalence with the baby’s father (played by Michael Cera, who was Jason Bateman’s son, George Michael, on Arrested Development) of whom she asks nothing (everyone in school knows he’s the father, but his parents don’t) but obviously would like something. What makes the film is that everyone is a bit more than they initially seem. Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman seem like caricature of a suburban yuppie couple and her desperate need to have a baby is ripe for the mocking, but then we learn he’s a former musician who hasn’t quite let go of his dreams and her yearning to be a mother is sincere and loving. See what I mean about sweet? But just in the way the sweetness of Knocked Up is offset by the crudest humor possible, this gooey loving warmth is balanced off by a sharp wit. And unlike Knocked Up, some attention is played to everyone’s character.
A COOKING RAT DOES NOT TOP “NEVER NUDE” Alvin & The Chipmunks is down to number four and apparently there’s a little scandal in the comedy world over the presence of David Cross (another Arrested Development alum) in this. It seems Patton Oswalt called him a whore for being in movie like this, after Oswalt and another comedian both turned it down. Now, this is a sell-out maneuver for supposed edgier comedians like Oswalt and Cross, but Oswalt was on fucking King of Queens, while Cross was doing Arrested Development. One was as superb as comedy can get while the other was just another sitcom about a fat guy with a hot wife, its only saving grace the lack of precocious children. When it comes to having comedic street cred to burn, David Cross has an infinitely greater supply. Not even Ratatouille can put Oswalt over Arrested Development, Mr. Show and being part of Ben Stiller’s original little comedy crew from back in the days of The Ben Stiller Show. Advantage, Cross.
‘CAUSE FOREIGN THINGS ARE ALWAYS SCARY One Missed Call is down to number five and this could easily be called One Missed Career for Shannyn Sossamon. She came out with Heath Ledger as one of the next “It” girls with a heaping of cool because she was found DJing at the birthday party for Gwyneth Paltrow and her brother back when she was white hot and something like this mattered. It also showed her as not being just another actress. But then, like Ledger, she stumbled. What movies that came were usually bad (she also stumbled with another pretty-boy-of-the-moment, Josh Hartnett, in 40 Days, 40 Nights), then she got knocked up and had a son she named Audio Science, which makes sense for a DJ, but that doesn’t make it any less stupid. But I guess she’s realized that children cost money, because she’s been turning up again recently. First in Kiss, Kiss Bang Bang, then as a semi-reoccurring role on the vampire detective show, Moonlight and the Courtney Cox show, dirt, and now she’s hopping on the Japanese horror movie bandwagon years late with this, One Missed Call. What’s funny is that Jessica Alba is coming out next week with one of her own and they’re pretty much interchangeable, (Shannyn’s got a prettier face but Jessica has that amazing ass) multi-ethnic actresses who are never really identified as such. Though I’ve always liked her, I’ll never see this because a) I don’t do the scary and b) I especially don’t do the Japanese scary because no matter how inept these people may be, if even a tad of the original Asian scary gets through, it’s gonna be messed up.
ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER… Charlie Wilson’s War is down to number six and perhaps the only reason to sit through this on cable in a year is Phillip Seymour Hoffman, whose presence makes this a triumvirate of lead actor Oscar winners. Though you have to wonder what someone like Hoffman thinks of Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts and the shit they both won for.
THIS! IS! A MAN! P.S. I Love You holds at number seven and Gerard Butler is taking another swipe at the brass ring thanks to 300 and the heat it gave him. After this he’s appearing in a film with Jodie Foster, so he’s apparently what women with some degree of power want in a leading man. I respect that.
“So, who do you want?” “Get me that hot guy from 300.” “Gerard Butler?” “I dunno. The one with the abs who does the queen doggiestyle. That’s what I want to look at on-set.”
Okay, so maybe not Jodie, but before this he was with Angelina Jolie as her bad boy ex in Tomb Raider 2. And while no one in Phantom of the Opera had the power to pick him, director Joel Schumacher likes his man meat hunky and cast him as The Phantom.
ONCE A GENERATION AN ENGLISHWOMAN COMES TO WEAR THE CORSET Waterhorse: Legend of the Deep holds at number eight, followed by Sweeny Todd at number nine and Atonement returnins to the top ten at number ten as its Oscar momentum builds, and if this were made twenty years ago, Helena Bonham Carter would be playing the Keira Knightley role. Hell, she’d have played all the Keira Knightley roles because like Knightley she’s an actress who seems more at home in period costume than modern dress. From Room With A View in 1985, to Howard’s End in 1992, to Wings of a Dove in 1997, to Sweeny Todd today (and a half-dozen other smaller period films in between), it’s how Helena Bonham Carter is best known. Similarly, Kiera Knightley is best known for Pirates of the Caribbean, Pride and Prejudice and now Atonement. Even when she did an action movie it was King Arthur. Things like Fight Club and Domino just fall through the cracks. But the funny thing is, if they’d done this ten years ago, it might have gone to Gwyneth Paltrow because the Englishwoman at that time was Liz Hurley and god knows she’s no actress.
JOKE SOFT It’s gone from the top ten and isn’t coming back, but I did also see Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story and while having its moments, it was a bit disappointing and brought the Judd Apatow juggernaut this year to a halt. Obviously parodying movies like Ray and Walk The Line and pretty much every Oscar begging, end-of-the-year celebrity bio movie ever made, you’d think they’d have a non-stop supply of targets but they fail to make the most of them. There’s an utter waste of Buddy Holly appearance, which happens after a hilarious encounter between Elvis and Dewey Cox. That shows just how hit-and-miss this is. They nail Elvis, but blow it on Buddy Holly and you don’t have Buddy Holly and The Big Bopper show up and not do a joke about the plane crash that took them both. Instead the joke here is that he’s meeting yet another rock legend, because he keeps repeating his full name. Yeah, that’s the entirely of the Buddy Holly joke. Well, that and the fact he’s played by Frankie Muniz. And making fun of Dylan’s sometimes obscure lyrics is just too easy. One of the better jokes is a repeated riff on Dewey’s introduction to drugs with Tim Meadows. The other is the fight that erupts between The Beatles as portrayed by Paul Rudd (John), Jack Black (Paul), Justin Long, the Mac guy (George) and Ringo (Jonathan Schwartzman). If the entire movie had the energy and ruthlessness of those scenes it might still be in the top ten. Also, as much as I like John C. Reilly, this was a movie that needed Will Ferrell in the title role to help take it over the top. It was kind of a sad waste of its “R” rating---but the male frontal nudity is pretty funny and long overdue.
THE OLDEST LIVING BOY IN NEW YORK So I read a novel. I do read, but long ago I made the switch to non-fiction and never really looked back. But when I was in the hospital a friend of mine told me she was sending me a book called "Forever" about a man who was immortal so long as he stayed solely on the island of Manhattan (an obvious dig at me) I couldn’t help but be intrigued. Especially when I was looking forward to a new TV series called New Amsterdam, which was about an immortal man living in Manhattan and working as a cop. And my love of Highlander goes without saying. Unfortunately the show was pushed back on the Fox schedule until ’08, so I looked forward to the book…, which never came. Patience isn’t one of my virtues, so I headed down to The Strand and got a copy for myself. It’s written by reporter Pete Hamill who ironically comes from Brooklyn and has pretty much said the only way he’s going back is in a box. He’s one of NYC’s best-known reporters, making his knowledge about the city is unquestioned, so I was looking forward to not just a novel but also something of a history lesson about Manhattan (hard to get away from my love of the real). I did get it, but I was somewhat disappointed by the book’s pace. At least a third of it is spent solely on the main character’s (Cormac O’Connor) childhood in Ireland and the beginning of the blood feud against the Earl of Warren that would bring him to New York in the first place. And while it was interesting, Hamill does dwell a bit much on the relationship between the African slaves brought to America and the Irish indentured servants who were little better. It’s Cormac O’Connor’s kindness to a slave on-board the ship that carries them both to America that results in his boon. The African in question turns out to be a shaman of sorts and after Cormac is wounded helping him and his wife escape, takes him to a cave in the northern tip of Manhattan Island and grants him the gift of immortality (we don’t ask why, if Africans had these powers, they didn’t stop slavery). Only if he leaves Manhattan will he die, but that will also be suicide and if he does that he can never join his loved ones in the afterlife. His only other way out is to find a dark woman with markings. Make love to her in the cave and he can go. So basically, he spends the next two hundred years looking for a tattooed sista. And if Cormac being an Irishman who loves Black people wasn’t enough, he’s also half-Jewish. Yeah, it does border on parody with its love of the oppressed. We go from Manhattan at the beginning of the Revolutionary War to his time with Boss Tweed (in a rare sympathetic portrayal) and then we jump to the 21st Century and when his new girlfriend gets a job in the World Trade Center, you pretty much know what the climax of the book is going to be about. Ironically enough, Hamill actually finished the book on September 9, 2001 then decided he needed something more in it. Fate, unfortunately, had something on the menu. My problem with the book is that it pretty much skips over a hundred years of NYC history. So much happened in the city between Boss Tweed and the falling of the Twin Towers, but we only get smatterings of it from Cormac, as he remembers what Miles Davis once said to John Coltrane one night. New York in the 50’s and 60’s wasn’t exactly dull and I’d love to have read more about that. But as Highlander has taught us, immortality can be a curse as much as a blessing and that isn’t skipped over here, as we feel his pain and loneliness over the many friends and loved ones he buries over the centuries. Some who just vanish because they leave Manhattan and he is unable to follow them (one small joke is that he has no idea what New Jersey is like because he obviously cannot go there). I should have an extra copy coming if you want to read it.
“Oh, Let The Sun Beat Down Upon My Face/Darren Starr To Fill My Dream…” Cashmere Mafia premiered and this is the latest from Sex & The City creator, Darren Starr. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. It’s about a group of four female friends in New York City who are plugged into its many facets and are all fabulously successful and well dressed. Sound familiar? Well, hang on to your memories because this isn’t nearly as good. First of all they pretty much represent what many of us hate about the city now; the obscenely successful and wealthy that drive up rents and property values and are slowly but surely pushing anyone truly interesting off the island. Hell, even out of the boroughs. And none of these women are those people. Not one is even vaguely artistic. Their sole purpose in life is the accumulation of wealth, period. Even Carrie was a writer. Charlotte managed an art gallery. These women met in fucking business school (which gave me a flashback to the party I attended for Around The Way Girl and her fiancée where I met the group of Wharton b-school girls). It’s kind of hard to give a shit about any of their problems when you’re just so repulsed by their very existence. And don’t get me started on the one girl who’s supposedly from Brooklyn realizing she’s gay and falling from some girl who’s supposed to be from Queens. It makes you wonder that after six years of shooting Sex & The City Darren Starr even met someone from Brooklyn or Queens. It’s at times like this when my sad attraction to pretty shows actually shot in NYC is a problem because I’ll probably still watch this crap until they cancel it. Which should be soon.
TACO HELL Is that fucking Joe Jackson I heard in a Taco Bell commercial? Sigh. Bad enough Modern English’s “I Melt With You” was used in Cashmere Mafia, then I had to hear this in the commercials.
PITY CLICK So I actually encouraged someone to start a blog and now she’s whining to me that no one actually reads it, so pity click if you will here. The line about her life (blonde English woman raising two biracial boys in Bed-Stuy) being a potential sitcom is mine and if she makes any money from it I’d better get paid.
1. National Treasure 2/BV Wknd/$ 35.6 Total/$ 124.0 2. Alvin & The Chipmunks/Fox Wknd/$ 29.1 Total/$ 141.5 3. I Am Legend/Warner Wknd/$ 27.3 Total/$ 194.4 4. Charlie Wilson’s War/Universal Wknd/$ 12.0 Total/$ 34.7 5. Juno/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 10.6 Total/$ 26.0 6. AVP: Requiem/Fox Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 63.8 7. P.S. I Love You/Warners Wknd/$ 9.3 Total/$ 23.6 8. The Water Horse/SonyR Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 16.8 9. Sweeney Todd/Paramount Wknd/$ 8.2 Total/$ 26.9 10. Enchanted/Disney Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 110.7
IT’S NO SECRET; IT BLOWS National Treasure: Book of Secrets holds steady at number one and this is just as much a surprise hit as the first. I’ll admit to liking the original. I obviously have an affinity for a hero who is essentially a geek (history in this case) and wins not by fighting, but with his brains (one of the reasons I liked The Saint when no one else did). Also, I was also a bit of an American Revolution history buff in my youth and the movie was filled with all sorts of little facts which just thrilled my geeky little heart. This follows that same premise, but with lots of useless noise and clutter that ultimately only slows the movie down. The first was longer than this one, but moved quickly, while this seems to drag on forever. And while the first required a suspension of disbelief obviously, this requires you flat out check your brain at the door and contradicts itself in its stupidity. Obviously, finding the Mason treasure made Nicholas Cage’s character famous and that’s acknowledged, but that same fame would pretty much allow for a repeat to come easily. If he told anyone in the world he was on a new hunt and needed access to whatever they had, he’d get it. He doesn’t need to do all the breaking and entering he does here. They literally have him get into Buckingham Palace because of his reputation, but then turn around and need to break into a section of it. Why didn’t he just ask? Because then you’d have no movie, that’s why. There’s even a car chase through London that not one law enforcement agency notices. Can you even have a car chase in the streets of London? Then there’s a needless convolution that requires the president’s kidnapping. It’s almost a minor movie in itself and pretty much stops this one dead. Its primary purpose seems to be to set up a third film. And don’t look for any explanation as to why Nicholas Cage’s obviously dead mother from the first film is now suddenly alive as Helen Mirren (a brilliant historian in her own right). She’s obviously decided to start making some money after winning her Oscar in the tradition of Nicholas Cage, who became the world’s biggest whore after getting his. Anthony Hopkins holds the number two slot for Academy Award Winning Whores.
THE LAST GYM MEMBERSHIP ON EARTH! Alvin & The Chipmunks holds at number two followed by I Am Legend down to number three and if James Cameron and Arnold Schwarzenegger had done this like they’d planned, you can best be sure there’d be less “Oh, I’m so alone” and more “Mutant human ass-kicking.” I think I’d have liked that one better. But like Arnold, we do have a totally gratuitous workout scene. Did we really need to watch Will Smith work out with his shirt off, displaying a chiseled physique? No, but he’s a movie star, damnit, and this is their job! As far as I’m concerned all of them should get naked in every movie, I don’t care what the plot is. It’s what we’re paying for!
STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU Charlie Wilson’s War is down to number four and remember my theory of American Mediocrity, how in the end, while we claim to worship excellence what we truly love is the mediocre because they’re no better than we are? Well, here are two living embodiments of this together for the first time and you couldn’t have conspired to keep me away from a movie more. Actually, I do have some respect for Tom Hanks because he has a great sense of humor about all he does and doesn’t seem to be a dick. Julia Roberts on the other hand is living in a land of illusion as she currently bitches about the current state of stardom…as if she became a star because of Martin Scorsese and not fucking Joel Schumacher. As if her own youth of constantly fucking her co-stars, being engaged for 10 seconds, married for 5 to somewhat famous musician and then ultimately hooking up with a married guy would have her sitting right next to Lindsay and Britney today. This movie is based on the true story of a congressman who helped to supply arms to the Afghan rebels back in the 80’s. Given how that ultimately worked out for us, it’s odd to think this is being marketed as a comedy of some sort. What next? A comedy about how the Japanese based their Zero fighters on a design by Howard Hughes that the US Government rejected. That’s funny in the ironic sense, not funny “ha-ha.” But star power is star power and two of the biggest stars of the last 15 years together does mean something, as it’s not doing badly. And it’s all them, because really, who wants to visit this particular storyline right now? No one. People are going to see Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks, period.
ON THE “TO DO” PILE Juno rises to number five and this is actually on my list of things to see and you’d think a 90 minute movie would be the first thing I saw, but alas, I spent my time in two hour Oscar bait and bloated action movies. Hey, I confuse no one more than myself. If anything is slowing me down it’s that it looks just a bit too indie film precious, stinking of “Oh, my. Aren’t we clever?”
…VERSUS ENTERTAINMENT IN GENERAL Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem is down to number five and I won’t front. Seeing this did cross my mind as they went back to an “R” rating after pussying out with the first AVP installment, which wasted a decent cast in a very weak PG-13. Well, there’s no chance of that here as it’s filled with no names. I think Dan’s dad from Gossip Girl shows up here to get his head ripped off. That’s as good as it gets. The big flaw of this continues to be setting it on Earth in the present day. Yeah, the first Predator film was here and now, but you know what? It wasn’t that great. I’d rather see Alien, Aliens and Alien Resurrection before that. What we need are Aliens, Predators and the Colonial Marines from Aliens all duking it out on a planet somewhere. Maybe if this makes money too it’ll come to fruition.
ONE DAY EVERY BEATLES SONG WILL BE A FILM TITLE P.S. I Love You is down to number seven and speaking of Oscar whoring, it’s taken a few years, but now Hilary Swank seems ready to get into it. Alimony payments do that to a person (‘cause god knows Chad Lowe is making no cheddar). Two Oscars and $2 will get you on the train, so girlfriend is long overdue for formula Hollywood movies. This is your “recovering from loss” romantic comedy where the bereaved goes through some sort of humorous passage to learn to love again. Jennifer Garner (who is like a B-list Hilary Swank) made this last year as Catch and Release. It doesn’t look any more interesting with Gina Gershon and Lisa Kudrow helping her to find Harry Connick Jr, than it did with Kevin Smith and Juliette Lewis helping Jennifer Garner find Timothy Olyphant. Though Timothy Olyphant is what you’re looking for when you need help recovering, not Harry Connick Jr. Let’s not kid ourselves.
POND PONY: LEGEND OF THE SHALLOW END The Waterhorse Legend of the Deep opens at number eight and there was a time when Ben Chaplin and Emily Watson were the hot new kids in town. Now here they are playing third string to a CGI Loch Ness Monster. I can only hope they both have kids they can claim to have made this for. Then again, Emily Watson has made some extreme indie shit in her day, so she’s earned a little kid’s film rest. Ben Chaplin on the other hand is another woulda, coulda, shoulda leading man who peaked in The Truth About Cats and Dogs and I last saw having his brains blown out by Winona Ryder for being the Antichrist in Lost Souls. Yeah, it’s been that long since someone considered him a lead. Who would have thought being good looking and having an accent wasn’t enough? Sadly, this forces you to respect someone like Tom Cruise for being on top for as long as he has.
IN SEARCH OF A PUN ABOUT A “KILLER” MUSICAL… Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street is down to number nine and this is the latest dark and weird collaboration by Johnny Depp and Tim Burton (and by some extension, Helena Bonham Carter). This time they go theatrical as this is based on the Stephen Sondheim musical. This is not the stretch for Johnny Depp you might think it is as he was actually in a band when he became a star back with 21 Jumpstreet, though they oddly didn’t let him do his own singing in Cry Baby. It’s funny, but the last time I saw Sweeny Todd was in high school and apparently it was too much for my small southern high school, so Sweeny Todd didn’t kill and bake his victims; just kept them prisoner in his basement. Yes, I know. It didn’t make any sense to me either. But now you have a greater understanding as to why I left, yes? I enjoyed it for the most part, but it does drag and he doesn’t really begin his killing until the halfway mark of a two-hour movie and while I’m sure a ton of stuff had to be cut to put a 3-hour musical on screen, they either needed to cut more or structure this better. But I shouldn’t be surprised. Tim Burton’s first dark musical, The Nightmare Before Christmas, actually put me to sleep. And oh, yes, there is blood. Gushing, spraying, spurting blood. But it’s the over-the-top theatricality of it---and the film’s very black humor---that serves to lessen the gory impact. And it needs it, because what this story is about is two serial killers who grind up their victims and serve them as food. Not your usual musical.
AND IN THAT CONTRACT IS A SPECIAL BOOB CLAUSE Finally, Enchanted closes out the top ten at number ten and who knew that witch in the ads was actually a heavily made up Susan Sarandon? Is she ever going to get so old that she doesn’t look hot? I’m beginning to think the got that same deal with the devil Sean Connery signed up for.
BRIDESHEAD NOT QUITE VISITED No longer in the top ten but sure to come around again by Oscar time is Atonement and I was prepared to treat this like a nice three course meal like I said I would. The first course/act is almost cliché at this point. You have your very posh family at their beautiful country estate in pre-war England. There’s obviously a beautiful older daughter and a there’s a handsome housekeeper’s son (James McAvoy) who just so happens was also sent to Cambridge along with the beautiful daughter by the master of the house. No, he’s not his bastard son, because if that were the case we couldn’t have the romance that obviously exists. It’s a romance not quite understood and resented by the precocious younger daughter who is also in love with him. This causes her to lie and say she saw him rape their cousin. He is taken away to jail, which brings our initially idyllic first act to a dark close. The second course/act is, of course, World War II, which the English just love, love, love. The housekeeper’s son is now in the army, released from jail to fight the war. He meets for lunch the older sister, now working as a nurse. She tells him the younger sister who lied is also working as a nurse seeking atonement for what she’s done. They swear to reunite as he heads off to war. Now the third act is obviously going to be post-war England where all the characters are reunited, we find out who the real rapist is and hopefully our lovers get to live happily ever after, right? Nope. The third act is about 10-15 minutes long and is entirely Vanessa Redgrave as the younger sister, now in her 70’s talking about the book she wrote about what she’d done and what happened to everyone and happiness ain’t on the menu. What. The. Fuck? Yes, I know this was based on a novel and they can’t help what that author wrote, but given how slavish it was to so many other clichés, I can’t help but be a little disappointed it didn’t follow through and give me what I was hungry for. But this is still Oscar bait aplenty. Aside from being a period piece with lots of British accents, which the Academy just loves, it’s also openly going for technical achievements in sound and editing. A great deal of the film is told in flashback. We’re actually in France with the housekeeper’s son before we flashback to his meeting with the older sister. And sound is incredibly important to the setting of a mood. One might even say the use of sound effects borders on pretentious. Before I was disappointed by the third act (which isn’t so much a third act as it is .5 of the second act) I savored it as part of a meal, but now it was just a director’s artistic indulgence, dragging out a film to two hours when it didn’t have to be. Probably the epitome of this is a 10-minute single shot as James McAvoy moves along the Normandy coast amidst the British forces. I know it’s meant to be impressive, but by this point I needed the cast of Monty Python & The Holy Grail to shout out, “Get on with it!” There’s also Oscar-begging from the writing, though this may be reflective of the book. Words that one character uses will be used again by another character verbatim, though you aren’t beaten over the head with it. You either catch it or you don’t. And I’ll give them credit for not going with a third use, because one of my professors in college said the third refrain was for dumb people. If you’ve anticipating a hot sex scene between Keira Knightley and James McAvoy, look elsewhere, because it ain’t all that. Neither is the green dress she wears that there’s been so much talk about. Maybe if she ate a meal so she could fill it out a little.
A CHRISTMAS STORY So, I obviously went home for the holidays. I had to leave on Thursday morning to catch the cheapest fare, thus forgoing my company party at Ciprinani’s on 42nd Street. Luckily, the real estate place had their party there last, year so I wasn’t really missing anything except the opportunity to see my fellow employees get drunk and act inappropriately to one another. Home is always important but in light of the brain bleed it was especially important this year, just as it was important last year in the wake of my sister’s cancer. This is why I actually took the opportunity to hang out with her. She and her friends have a music trivia contest once a month with different themes. I knew of it because I’d get these odd texts and emails asking for song suggestions but this time I finally understood. They’d pick a theme and then everyone had to bring a collection of songs for that theme. This time it was the 7 continents. Now, I wasn’t going to participate or hang around long, because I wanted to watch the Falcons play on TV, which I rarely get to do here. But I was enjoying myself so what was going to be a thirty minute stop turned into four hours and ultimately my participation in the contest. At first I was just helping my sister because as it turns out, most of her friends are all DJ’s, so it’s like your professional basketball player friends asking you if you’d like to play friendly game in the driveway. I was also somewhat protecting her from the lesbian with the camera who was obviously besotted with her. And it’s not the first time this has happened. See, my baby sister is what I’d be if I were a girl in that she simply doesn’t give a fuck about her appearance. She wears what’s comfortable, not what looks good to men. This means she gives off a very…well, dykey air. So every five seconds a flash was going off followed by, “Oh, you’re so beautiful. Isn’t your sister beautiful?” And I’m not going to say one of her other friends was flirting with me, but when I was checking my phone for messages from our other sister she came by and remarked, “Ooh, that’s a nice phone. So slender.” Then she stroked it. She stroked my hard, black phone. Later when I was partaking of the very nice spread of food she had out, she touched my back to ask if I was enjoying myself then said, “Ooh, you work out. That’s nice,” and let her hand linger. As it turned out, I would need these little compliments because not only did my boy, O.G. (Original Geek) remark that I wasn’t kidding about the weight gain, but when we were in Alabama to see relatives, my grandmother brought it up! MY GRANDMOTHER! Though obviously happy to see me healthy, she didn’t hesitate to ask “Did you get fat too?” She’s at the age where she doesn’t give a fuck anymore so she says what she’s thinking and apparently all three of us have gotten fat. She wants my baby sister back down to her 16-year-old weight and not even cancer made her do that. But this shooting from the hip also led to interesting facts about my lineage. Apparently her father, my great-grandfather, was a “pot bellied white man.” He was only half (like my mother’s grandfather, who was likewise described as “an old cracker”), but that didn’t stop my father from being afraid of one of his aunts because he thought she was white. She was also rendered blind by diabetes (yet another thing I now have to watch out for) but could tell who he was merely by the way he walked. My grandmother also described one of her sisters as “the black Indian one” and while my sisters like to romanticize it and insist it’s Sioux, I’m gonna hazard a guess and say the most likely Native American lineage from a family from Alabama is the ALABAMA TRIBE. Let’s see, we got Indian, Black and Irish. Yeah, there’s a group of history’s winners. No wonder I’m so successful. And look at their mastery of alcohol. Sigh. But this was one of the first trips to Alabama that wasn’t a chore or obligation for me, so I guess the brain bleed did have some sort of positive effect. I looked forward to seeing my family (especially my aunt, who is undergoing chemo). Normally, if you weren’t where I was, tough shit, but this time we went out of our way so I could see one of my cousins. This was important and odd, because it occurred to me that there was a time she was my best friend and essentially an older sister to me (which meant she beat me up and explained sex to me). Funny enough, she married a guy who is pretty much a geek in disguise. He doesn’t look like one, but while I was there he whipped out his Mac to show me his favorite comic book and movie websites and then we started watching Enter The Dragon on his new Blu-Ray DVD player. It was glorious, but I must wait for the format war to end before I can choose a side. Maybe next Christmas Santa will bring me in the age of high definition. I won’t ask you people. You can’t even get me a fucking jacket.
DOING MY PART TO HELP TO PAY K-FED’S ALIMONY Years ago, my brother surprised me by loving one of Janet Jackson’s albums, which I didn’t even care for. He explained the production was just so top notch it superseded everything. Well, now I understand because I picked up Britney’s album, much the derision of my sister. Well, I picked up the last one too, so apparently shame is for others. But in my defense, one of my sister’s friends is an engineer in Atlanta who worked on it (he had a great Pharrell is a dick story) and supported my decision saying if it were anyone’s voice but hers it’d be a great dance album. I won’t hate on poor Britney like that. There’s no difference between her Rhianna or Janet or Kylie. Non-singers who depend on top notch producers. You like one, you like them all because they have little to do with the songs. Let me put it this way, Britney and Mary J. Blige were both offered “Umbrella” before Rhianna.
ALWAYS WAS, ALWAYS WILL BE You love that photo, don’t you? The funniest thing about it is I’m still the same height.
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