IT FRIGHTENS ME

1. Cloverfield/Paramount Wknd/$ 40.0 Total/$ 40.0
2. 27 Dresses/Fox Wknd/$ 22.8 Total/$ 22.8
3. The Bucket List/Warner Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 41.6
4. Juno/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 9.9 Total/$ 85.1
5. First Sunday/ScreenGems Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 28.5
6. National Treasure 2/BV Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 197.5
7. Mad Money/Over Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 7.6
8. Alvin & The Chipmunks/Fox Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 196.3
9. I Am Legend/Warner Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 247.4
10.Atonement/Focus Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 25.2

HONESTLY, I’D RATHER SEE THE GODZILLA REMAKE AGAIN
Cloverfield opens at number one and this is the film geek movie du jour because those little assholes are going apeshit all over this, and while it’s a decent enough variation on the “giant monster attacks city” genre, it’s not the birth of a new age of film. Like all good monster movies, it begins first with the people. Everything is shot from the POV of one video camera and you have to suspend your disbelief enough to think with the world going to hell around them, they wouldn’t DROP THE FUCKING CAMERA AND RUN! Or at least turn the damn thing off. And you have to accept that people would always look directly into the camera and not say, INTO THE FACE OF THE PERSON THEY’RE TALKING TO HOLDING THE CAMERA. Like I said, it’s asking for a lot. So this one camera begins at the going away party for a guy who recently slept with his longtime crush---only to blow her off immediately because he was leaving, but then still be pissed when she shows up at his going away party with another guy. We follow this drama for a bit (my favorite part being his brother telling him he’s got a tendency to be a tremendous douche) when the trouble starts. The earth shakes, explosions erupt and suddenly the head of the Statue of Liberty comes flying down the street (done first in the movie Deep Impact, by the way). We get bits and pieces of the monster at first, but then while the character holding the camera watches TV (of course he films TV, so we can see) we finally see it….and it’s not that impressive. Yeah, it’s hard to come up with something new, but give me a giant dinosaur type any day. Everyone initially heads toward to Brooklyn Bridge to get out of the city, but then the monster destroys that (taking out the non-douche brother) and our remaining group heads back into the city. The Douche gets a phone call from the girl saying she’s trapped, so he decides to go rescue her. His friends come with him because if they don’t who’s gonna die one-by-one? The hero guy can’t die, so it’s gotta be the friends. At one point they decide to walk up through the subway tunnels and are attacked by these spider-crab things that fall off the monster’s body. Now this is when you know you’re in a typical monster movie, because when they notice the rats running away from something, rather than run themselves, they stop to see what the rats are running from, because apparently the GIANT FUCKING MONSTER ON THE SURFACE WASN’T A CLUE! But the real problem with the movie is the same thing that hurt so many people with The Blair Witch Project and even the last two Bourne films: motion sickness from all the shaky camera work. The film is only 98 minutes, but it couldn’t have ended soon enough for me. This is why I missed the last shot twist which I won’t ruin for you here, but I can say don’t waste your time for the “credit surprise” that people are talking about. It’s a voice RUN BACKWARDS setting up the sequel, which is coming because this cost $25M to make and has already made $41M.

AND SHE’S BETTER LOOKING THAN JULIA ROBERTS TOO
27 Dresses opens at number two and this is Katherine Heigel’s bid to be the first person to jump the Grey’s Anatomy ship. She’s already had issues with her contract and a hit earlier this year with Knocked Up, so the clock is ticking, and Cloverfield not withstanding, this is a pretty good opening. This isn’t anything great, but I enjoyed my 100 minutes, mainly because I had second thoughts about going and was looking for a reason not to. This means my expectations were pretty much zero. It’s not a zero movie and while it follows exactly the path you expect there are enough good lines and enough of a darker edge that it’s still better than anything Julia Roberts has ever done (yes, I hate her work that much). Heigel is the woman who’s been a bridesmaid 27 times and as the film opens, she’s shuttling forth between two weddings on the same night. We learn she got this sense of responsibility because she pretty much had to raise her sister after her mother’s death. Now, this is where the film stumbles because you don’t bring in a set up like this and then not give it its due. Also when her younger sister winds up engaged to the man she secretly loves, they stack the deck by making the younger sister a lying bitch. It would have been a more complex interesting movie if here sister were genuinely a nice person. However, it does do well in making her eventual love interest, James Marsden, not just some random guy she meets, but a wedding writer who goes in pursuit of her when he notices her wedding commute at the beginning of the film. I’ve little patience for “just happened to meet cute.” They’re both in the same place at the same time for valid reasons. He believes a story on her will get him out of his hole as a wedding writer. You know how that’s going to end and there are no surprises there. What carries the movie is Katherine Heigel. Freed from the burden of having to pretend liking an ugly fat guy (and be the empty vessel of a geek’s fantasy) she makes the most of this leading role. I will follow her to her next job.

LET’S RUN THE SUN ALSO RISES PUN INTO THE GROUND
The Bucket List is down to number three, followed by Juno at number four and this was directed by Jason Reitman, the son of Ivan Reitman, who directed Ghostbusters, Meatballs and Stripes, so basically there’d be no Bill Murray without him, but while Bill Murray did good work outside him, Retiman’s other efforts includes shit like Twins, Legal Eagles, Kindergarten Cop, Junior, Father’s Day, Evolutions, Six Days Seven Nights…basically all-star, unfunny comedies. Jason is doing okay so far, taking a bit more indie path than his dad, beginning with Thank You For Smoking and now this. He joins Jake Kasdan (son of Lawrence Kasdan)and the Coppolla kids (Roman and Sofia) for being one of the few examples of nepotism that actually pan out.

ANNIE FALLS
First Sunday is down to number five, followed by National Treasure: Book of Secrets at number six and Mad Money opening at number seven and this stinks of every formula movie that Touchstone made in the 80’s. If they’d made it then it would have been Bette Midler, Whoopi Goldberg and Shannon Doherty. Honestly, who saw this and thought, “Damn, wonder if I can make the next showing?” It reeks on first sight. And then there’s the fact that Diane Keaton can’t choose a project to save her life. When Woody Allen went bad he didn’t just destroy his legacy, but crippled her career as well. But what’s really sad about this is that it also signals the continuing failure of Calli Khouri to make a career. She was the screenwriter of Thelma & Louise and it’s pretty much been downhill from there. Granted she directed this, not wrote it, but she wrote the screenplay for Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (which she also directed) and Something to Talk About. She’s showing that women can be one trick ponies like any dude, but still get more chances to fail. I mean how do you write and direct a flop but still get direct what is essentially an A-list film? Thelma & Louise was a looooong time ago, people. Still she’s got a small place in my heart for saying that she couldn’t get over how Knocked Up simply doesn’t work for her because the dude was too ugly.

CHIPMUNK TRIUMPHANT
Alvin & The Chipmunks is down to number eight and has made almost $200M dollars ($280 worldwide). At a cost of $60M, it is well into the black even before mom and dad buy a copy for their kids, so look forward to more films. Jason Lee’s kids are going to the best college money can buy. And while Patton Oswalt may have mocked David Cross’s participation in this, David need only roll up the windows in his new Lexus not to hear him. You know who else is having one hell of a year? Justin Long. Yeah, the Mac Guy. He’s the voice of Alvin (not that it matters, considering every sped up voice sounds exactly the same). Soon he’s going to realize he can do better than Drew Barrymore. Yeah, I said it.

IF YOU CAN DESTROY WHAT’S THERE, YOU CAN DESTROY ANYWHERE
I Am Legend is down to number nine giving us two movies showing us New York getting the ass end of something. People are bitching that it’s always New York getting attacked and wiped out in movies. You’re damn right it’s always NYC. Who the fuck wants to see a movie where Boston falls? That’s not a tragedy, it’s a fucking public service. Better yet if the population is still there. And am I the only person who thinks that the “engineering snuff film” Life After People, essentially came from I Am Legend and its efforts to show a deserted Manhattan? It’s pretty much a look at the other side of an apocalypse, because the entire show is based around humanity suddenly disappearing, meaning we’re wiped out by something. It was enjoyable, though obviously very morbid. And once again, no one was showing how Boston or Philadelphia was going to die because no one gives a shit. Watching the Brooklyn or Golden Gate Bridges go down, however, commands your attention.

X
Finally, Atonement, holds at number ten, waiting patiently for its Oscar nominations to come down the pike.

BITE ME
Not breaking the top ten is Teeth, the horror-comedy about a girl with vaginal dentata. Yes, “vagina with teeth.” Much like Cloverfield it follows the basic conventions of every genre movie you’ve ever seen, but with a small twist. In that case it was the point-of-view you were allowed, but in this case it’s the nature of “the monster.” We even begin here with the obvious source of “the monster”: the nuclear plant nearby. And like a traditional B-monster movie, you get your “explanation” in a none-too-subtle fashion, like a classroom lecture that “just happens” to be about an evolutionary jump in animals. But the origins of her condition are never really explained because like Cloverfield we’re missing “the scientist who explains it all.” I personally think it would have been better to have this be part of some sort of genetic trait or curse that’s passed down through her family, and they toy with that when she explores the legend of the “vagina dentata” which is essentially a male castration anxiety myth. It’s pretty much a fear of pussy, which I consider a perfectly valid fear (that thing is dark and mysterious and scary and can take so much more than you can dish out). But in the myth, the way to defeat “vagina dentata” was through a hero who could break the teeth and free the girl from her curse. Here, however, the teeth are merely a defense mechanism, only coming out if someone is a threat to her, as in her fellow abstinence member who tries to rape her. Then there’s the creepy gynecologist who shoves an ungloved hand in her and winds up losing a few fingers. However, when she eventually beds the apparent nice guy, who lights candles and actually engages in foreplay (with a finger vibe no less), he escapes unscathed, so in away this ups the male anxiety to a higher degree, because if you fail to be a good lover, the cost is your dick. As a little low-budget satire it does work, but its flaw is actually part of what makes it work. They play it totally straight, like a real horror movie, which is funny but not as funny as the scenes where they camp it up just a bit straight comedy. It could have used a bit more of that energy throughout.

SUPERMAN VS. CHEAP, CRAZY MORONS
The problem with reading is, if you read one book, you want to read more. So after reading Forever I found myself wanting another. Luckily fate foresaw my need and released Superman Vs. Hollywood: How Fiendish Producers, Devious Directors and Warring Writers Grounded an American icon just last week. It’s the story of all the media adaptations of Superman, starting with the radio serials through the 50’s TV show, to the various animated shows climaxing in the most recent movie. Basically it’s why so many of them sucked out loud. Usually it was budgetary constraints; other times family groups insisting that Superman had to be toned down to protect the kids, but in the case of the films, it was pure hubris of producers and directors who knew little and cared less. Nowhere was this better personified than in Jon Peters and Tim Burton who both were into a Superman who didn’t fly or wear a red and blue suit, which is like saying you want to make a King Kong movie where the ape isn’t a giant and doesn’t climb the Empire State Building. The book is nothing but a fun read and cost me sleep, ‘cause I finished it in two days.

DICK-SUCKING COLD DOESN’T CONVEY THE PAIN
Even before the brain-bleed I was trying to make a point of seeing my friends whenever I could after spending so much time working two jobs and not having a choice, so when one of my friends from Columbia House said she’d be in town taking a little break from suburban bliss in New Jersey I promised I’d meet her. This became easier when she said she’d like to watch the game. This meant I wouldn’t be glancing at my watch when I was with her. There were two primary groups of girls I spent my time with at Columbia House: My Geek Girls (obviously) and the girls in marketing, who were more than once referred to as “Charlie’s Angels.” Even seeming independents like Chasing Amy, The Lunatic and Miss Pretty Boy would have fit into either group (Miss Pretty Boy and The Lunatic would have been Geek Girls and Chasing Amy one of the Angels). This particular friend was one of the Angels and was the meanest and most sarcastic, which obviously meant she has a special place in my heart. I’ll call her AJ Smile because she does have Angelina Jolie’s smile. She has her boobs too on a similarly thin frame, but “AJ Boobs” just doesn’t work. AJ Smile was staying down at a hotel in Battery Park City and the joke was this is what came up when she did a search on Hotwire for “SoHo hotel.” I decided to spare her the trip and met her at the Wall Street Merchant’s bar. As it turns out we’d both done a certain amount of drinking at the 7th Avenue location because we both had connections to the managers there. This wasn’t like the others because it was white and plastic whereas the others are usually brown and wood. You’d think if any location was going to adhere to that it’d be the one closest to money. We settled in at the bar to eat and drink throught the end of the Patriots/Chargers game and the duration of the Giants/Packers game. In retrospect we just should have ordered the bottle of wine because going by the glass essentially nickeled & dimed us to the point where we could have bought two bottles. As with most of my girls, she keeps it real and she keeps it raw and booze only let that horse run even more free and after awhile we were sharing the advantages of sleeping with Catholics we probably shouldn’t have been sleeping with in the first place. Though my favorite line from her that night was, “One day I’ll run into Julian McMahon in an alley and good things will happen.” She also uses the expression “buttfucking cold” so I don’t feel so alone in the world in incredibly vulgar phrases. Since AJ Smile was also in the video department with me she has a fair amount of movie and TV knowledge and we were able to discuss those at length as well as the prerequisite celebrity gossip (I hadn’t heard the rumors of Tom Cruise and Matchbox 20 lead singer, Rob Thomas). And all while watching the game. Being from New York, she was a Giants fan while I (and everyone in the corporate offices of the NFL and every marketing and advertising agency in the world) wanted the dream Super Bowl of Brett Farve vs. Tom Brady. I was disappointed for Brett Farve, but you can’t hate on Eli Manning. It’s the American way to pull for the scrappy underdog and that’s what he’s been, living in the shadow of his obviously superior brother, Peyton (and I love the bummed out Pep Talk that’s running now for MasterCard). Unlike the Patriots who pretty much became villains due to their habit of running up the score, Eli has fought tooth and nail for all he’s got, with the entire Tri-State area bitching at him the entire time, as they’ve apparently forgotten what life was like before he showed up (and when they lose the Super Bowl, they’ll start ripping on him again). Next up on my visitor list: Nice Jewish Doctor in February.