THE WIT AND WISDOM OF CRASH DAVIS

1. The Bucket List/Warner Wknd/$ 19.5 Total/$ 21.0
2. First Sunday/ScreenGems Wknd/$ 19.0 Total/$ 19.0
3. Juno/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 71.3
4. National Treasure 2/BV Wknd/$ 11.5 Total/$ 187.3
5. Alvin & The Chipmunks/Fox Wknd/$ 9.0 Total/$ 187.7
6. I Am Legend/Warner Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 240.
7. One Missed Call/Warner Wknd/$ 6.1 Total/$ 20.6
6. Charlie Wilson’s War/Universal Wknd/$ 8.2 Total/$ 52.6
8. P.S. I Love You/Warners Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 47.0
9. The Pirates Who Don’t/Univ Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 4.4
10.Atonement/Focus Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 25.2

SUCKIT LIST
The Bucket List finally goes wide and moves into the number one slot. This seems like it’s been around forever to me because I live in NYC and this was released here and in LA to try and get some Oscar notice---except it turned out to be as saccharine as it looks in the trailers and was pretty much trashed by the critics. Honestly, how did this Hallmark Hall of Fame movie escape to the big screen and pick up two A-List stars on the way? This is Louis Gossett Jr. and James Garner Sunday night at 9:00, not Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman on almost 3,000 screens (Joel from Northern Exposure and Jack from Will & Grace would still be here, however). One thing about these movies is that it’s always guys with cash to drop. You see them traveling all over the world or racing classic muscle cars, so obviously they’re both pretty well off. Sorry, but it’s easy to go search for meaning in your life when you have money and can visit the pyramids. Show me two old guys who are in a nursing home and break out and half to find it on the cheap, hiking through America. It would probably provide more substance than hopping on a jet, staying at a four star hotel, then having a tour guide take you to one of the seven wonders of the world. And can we get over the cliché of skydiving somehow providing epiphanies of some sort? I want to see the movie where the old man tries skydiving and has a heart attack on the way down or not be moved by it at all. And of course there’s always an estranged child to be reunited with and a grandchild never seen. Yawn. Again, how about someone without obvious holes in their lives, but still searching for some meaning when they discover they’re terminally ill. They shouldn’t feel empty, but they do, which is how life works. Or fails to.

NOT MUCH COMEDY IN A TUESDAY
The First Sunday opens at number two and while not a sequel to the Friday movies Ice Cube is going to milk that franchise any way he can, starting with just using days in the title. Can’t do it on Fridays any more? Do it on Sunday. They couldn’t get Chris Tucker back after the first Friday and replaced him with the intolerable Mike Epps, but he’s off playing second banana to Martin Lawrence (whose day job is playing second banana to Will Smith when Smith has time) and to has been replaced with Tracey Morgan (who is a giant gaping hole of unfunny on 30 Rock to me) and Kat Williams, who breaks the mold and is actually funny. They probably would have been better off making this his movie. Needless to say, if I didn’t see any of the Friday movies, then I’m not going to see this one or any other day of the week they choose---though it boggles my mind they didn’t choose Saturday and do a remake of Uptown Saturday Night.

MAYBE CLUB TEABAG IF I HAVE TO
Juno is down to number three and this may wind up being one of the most profitable movies of 2007, because you know it cost nothing and is making more on a weekly basis than the blockbusters like National Treasure and I Am Legend. And when the money comes in none of the stars are likely getting a cut either. Though I hope writer, Diablo Cody gets a piece. She’s become somewhat famous as she started stripping on a whim while working at an ad agency and then when she started to rise at the agency, she had to choose between them…and chose stripping. Later she wrote a book about it and now is one the most in-demand screenwriters around. I work at an ad agency now. Should I be stripping too? Obviously “Diablo Cody” is her stage name. I’m thinking mine is going to be Bill E. Goat. “Ladies and gentlemen, now on the centerstage here at Club Beef Jerky…BILL…E….GOAT!!!”

BLUE-EYED DEVIL
National Treasure: Book of Secrets is down to number four and also in this as the bad guy is Ed Harris and he’s made a career of using those cold blue eyes effectively as guys who, if they weren’t bad guys, they sure as hell were good. From the controlling producer in The Truman Show, to E. Howard Hunt in Nixon to the one-blue-eyed mobster in A History of Violence. This is no exception, but I think he became bored with it, as he forgets his southern accent from time to time. Even more than Helen Mirren, this was just a paycheck and a free trip to London for him.

CHEROKEE NATION
Alvin & The Chipmunks is down to number five followed by I Am Legend at number six and popping up in this for half a second is Salli Richardson as Will Smith’s wife. You don’t know her, but in the 90’s she was essentially who you called when you couldn’t get Halle Berry, though she was a bit more exotic being part Cherokee. Geeks know her as the voice of Detective Elisa Maza on the animated show Gargoyles. That show rocked. She was also supposed boning Matthew McConaughey, but she insists they were just friends. Now she can be found on the show Eureka as Salli Richardson-Witfield.

ONE MISSED CAREER PART 2
One Missed Call is down to number seven and also in this is Ed Burns whose career never really lived up to the promise of The Brothers McMullan. You thought that maybe with a little more seasoning he’d make some decent, if not extraordinary films, but he stumbled immediately with She’s The One, undercutting the real story of Cameron Diaz to make an unpleasant, unfunny Brothers McMullen clone. I’ll give him credit for trying to break out a little with a drama in No Looking Back, but probably his best film was his flat-out rip-off of Woody Allen, Sidewalks of New York. And I’m just going through the films he wrote and directed. I’m ignoring his acting work, which includes Saving Private Ryan, Life of Something Like It with Angelina Jolie (as a blonde) and yet another boyfriend for Grace on Will & Grace. Even there is was nothing but mediocre work. Then again, if my private life were filled with Lauren Holly, Heather Graham and then marrying Christy Turlington, I’d be lacking in the necessary angst needed to make good movies either. And it warms my heart to see that he’s gotten a little chunky too.

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN
P.S. I Love You is down to number eight and remember when the cast of “friends” was holding out for a million each per episode? That’s because there weren’t going to get dick from syndication. Look at how many times day that show is running and realize they’re getting almost nothing for it. Now look at Lisa Kudrow as just a costar in this dud of a movie and know they were right to grab the money when the grabbing was good.

AND AS PONTIUS PILATE, BROCCOLI
The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A Veggie Tales Movie, opens at number nine and not having kids, all I know about this is that Veggies Tales is heavy on the Christian allegory. But my closest exposure has been The Simpsons episode where they had a Veggie Tales version of The Passion of the Christ. I remember it because it’s one of the few times I’ve laughed at The Simpsons over the past few years.

THE END
Finally, Atonement holds at number ten.

HASTA LA VISTA, BABY
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles started and being a geek, I had to check this out. I had issues with Leona Headly playing Sarah Connor because she didn’t get ripped and stripped like Linda Hamilton. But she’s got the no-nonsense hardass downpat and she’s damn sure prettier than Linda Hamilton. This comes with not one, but two built-in geek audiences: original Terminator audiences and fans of Firefly (all 12 of them) as the girl who played River now plays a hot, female Terminator assigned to protect him. She looks a lot better than she ever did on Firefly or in Serenity. The problem with a series of this is that you need to increase your suspension of disbelief. Why on earth would you send a teen girl cyborg when the machines are sending big dudes? And why just one at a time? And why would Sarah Connor stay in America when she should be seriously hiding off the grid in a country that’s not as computerized as we are, starting with frigging Mexico!?! And with all the military hardware Sarah Connor seems able to get her hands on, why do we never see any explosives? Doesn’t she remember that’s how she was able to blow it in half in the first movie (and they do reference the movies in this)? And how about some ARMOR PIERCING BULLETS!?! Now they’re going to stay in one town to fight rather than run. Isn’t someone going to notice the non-stop violence that suddenly pops up? But then again, if you address these things you wouldn’t have a show. I’ll keep watching it, though the same way I keep watching Flash Gordon (and man, does that show ever suck). You have to suck like Stargate or most of the Star Treks to keep me from watching something geeky. I’ve got a high tolerance for crap. Besides, this gives me ass-kicking chicks with guns every week and who doesn’t like that?

“THE WORLD IS MADE FOR PEOPLE WHO LACK SELF-AWARENESS” CRASH DAVIS
Obviously, Scott Baio is 45 and Single did very well because here we are back with Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant and for some odd reason this isn’t as funny to me as it was before. Probably because it finally dawned on me that Scott Baio isn’t that much older than I am and this pathetic mid-life change may also be my destiny. No, it’s not as funny as it used to be. Damn, I hate self-awareness. Also back is Rock of Love with Brett Michaels and speaking of self-awareness, here’s a guy with a total lack of it, as he populates his show with girls in their 20’s. Was he really surprised when it didn’t work out with the pink-haired girl? Yeah, I think he was. See, in his mind, he’s still in his 20’s too. This season looks even better because now it’s populated with even skankier girls who saw the first season so they are seriously performing, grasping for their 15 seconds of fame. Now, this I have no problems laughing at because I don’t foresee a mid-life crisis aided and abetted by a never-ending series of strippers and skank-bots. At it makes sense these shows are back-to-back as Brett Michaels and Scott Baio no doubt slept with many of the same women, starting with Pamela Anderson.

DESTINY INDEED
Sia, one of the voices for Zero 7, released her second solo album last week and given how much it sucks and how much the last Zero 7 album sucked, they definitely should look into how much they need one another.