ME NO LIKE SCARY

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IT'S ABOUT BOOBS. ALWAYS.

1. Jackass 3D/Parmount Wknd/$ 50.0 Total/$ 50.0

2. Red/Summit Wknd/$ 22.5 Total/$ 22.5

3. The Social Network/Sony Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 63.1

4. Secretariat/Disney Wknd/$ 9.5 Total/$ 27.5

5. Life As We Know It/Warners Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 28.9

6. Legend of the Guardians/Warners Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 46.0

7. The Town/Warners Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 80.6

8. My Soul To Take/Universal Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 11.9

9. Easy A/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 47.9

10. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps/Fox Wknd/$ 4.6 Total/$ 43.7

LET NATURE TAKE ITS COURSE…PLEASE

Jackass 3D opens at number one causing a decrease in stupid testosterone-fueled crimes over the weekend as those morons who’d commit them were clearly watching this and then going off to hurt themselves and not others. Personally, I think this should be called the “The Darwinism Taunts” because if someone gets killed doing this, it’s not like we’re losing a valuable contributor to the gene pool. If Jessica Simpson were smarter, she’d be shaking her head somewhere over the fact she boned one or two of these guys. But she’s not, so she doesn’t and was probably sexually excited to see this movie.

SOMEWHERE A FILM SNOB WONDERS WHERE IRENE JACOB IS

Red opens at number two and this could have easily been called “Old Guns” and I’m sure some dickwad from marketing suggested it. A group of retired CIA agents find themselves on a hit list from the Agency itself which finds it a lot tougher than expected to kill them off. It’s an old story and this time it comes courtesy of a comic book and no, I’ve never read it (I need tights, flights and fights to hold my interest). Because of the slight story (though the sad irony is the comic book was probably infinitely more complex) this rests solely on the shoulders of its stars. Bruce Willis plays his role perhaps a bit too well of an agent a little depressed in forced retirement. It’s almost like he’s sleepwalking through this, but Mary-Louise Parker brings the same wide-eyed joy she’s been doing for most of her career. Morgan Freeman’s ability to bring wicked charm is wasted in a too small role, but it’s picked up by the great John Malkovich and Helen Mirren, who seem delighted to be back in the world unleashing mayhem. And unlike a half-dozen male action stars I can name, Helen Mirren doesn’t blink when firing automatic weapons the size of trucks. It’s so hot, you wish she’d been the center of the movie and not Bruce Willis. Given that the plot is hardly important they could have sacrificed some time spent on it for the real meat, which is the stars of the movie together. The director has no real flair for action so we could have sacrificed a couple of rounds for more of the glee both Parker and Mirren display towards a life of action or a nice little flashback sequence showing them all in their youth.

EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO COMICS. EVERYTHING.

The Social Network is down to number three and the geek connection here is Armie Hammer, who plays the Winklevoss twins (CGI and a body double) was cast as Batman in the abandoned Justice League movie and they even got as far as to create his costume. I have to admit, it’s not bad casting at all and he’s got one of the best lines in the movie: “I’m 6’5”, 220 pounds and there’s two of me.” Why these guys who rowed crew in the Olympics would need a website to get girls is a testament to how dumb they are. Or at least how dumb they are depicted in the film.

STEPPENWOLF, BITCHES!

Secretariat is down to number four and this gives John Malkovich two films in the top ten and two where’s he’s playing a crazy old guy. I wish I could say he was acting, but if you’ve ever read an interview with him, you know it ain’t that much of a stretch for him. And you kids won’t remember but there was a brief time this lizardly fellow was a leading man, convincingly seducing Michelle Pfeiffer and Uma Thurman onscreen. I personally have a weakness for Making Mr. Right, a flawed but entertaining movie I’ll watch on cable anytime it comes on. In the end a combination of The Sheltering Sky and The Object of Beauty did his brief leading man career in. Well, that and he’s fucking ugly.

LIKE A MOUNTAIN PASS

Life As We Know It is down to number five and as the doomed mother in his is Christina Hendricks, best known as the secretary from Mad Men and what is all this “curvy” bullshit? It’s about tits and since when has someone with big tits becoming a sex symbol been unique? There was none of this “Oh, we’re back to curves” talk when Salma Hayek blew up and she’s built like an hourglass. Also, Katherine Heigl, the star of this isn’t exactly flat-chested herself and her character on Gray’s Anatomy was former lingerie model and within the first three episodes her goods were firmly on display. This is just business as usual, kids. And if it’s so great, why isn’t she starring in something, rather than dying in the first five minutes? Oh, that’s right. She’s not blonde with big tits (can you say, “Scarlet Johansson?”). My bad. This is America after all

TOO BAD THEY’RE REMAKING FRIGHT NIGHT WITHOUT YOU

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole is down to number six, followed The Town at number seven and my soul to take at number eight and Wes Craven needs to find a new shtick, because clearly just his name ain’t cutting it any longer. How about a comedy? You can even make it a horror comedy if you like.

WHERE’S CHUCK’S MOVIE?

Easy A is still hanging around at number nine giving another Gossip Girl cast member a successful film they didn’t have to carry. Get used to it, kid.

AND DON’T GET STARTED ON HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW

Finally, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps closes out the top ten at number ten and this means only one member of the Josh Brolin/Diane Lane household will have a movie in the top ten. And she’s the star of hers. Well, I guess the horse technically is, but she’s the top human star. Brolin, not so much.

DEATH AND STUFF

Death took a minor god last week in the form of Barbara Billingsley. Yes, Mrs. Cleaver is gone. America just lost one of its greatest parents. Now it’s all in your hands, Florence Henderson.

YOU CAN GET PORN ON BLU RAY, BUT NOT HIS GIRL FRIDAY

Borders is overpriced as hell when it comes to pretty much everything outside of books, but they also tend to give out great coupons, so every week I check and this week was another 40% off anything in the store making it possible to add the Criterion Edition of Charade to my collection. There just aren’t enough classic films on blu-ray (there are only two Cary Grant films) and yes, the definition also improves the black & white features, though Charade is in glorious, glorious color. Also thanks to this wonderful ridiculousness of coupons I’ve been able to add Terminator 2, D.O.A.: Dead Or Alive, and The Losers. Hey, I paid a lot of money for this damn TV and need movies that make the most of it, like special effects and explosions…and kung fu girls in bikinis. And it’s not like Bridget Jones’s Diary or Four Weddings & A Funeral is available for me to buy anyway. Fuckers. Stallone’s goddamn arm wrestling movie, Over The Top, is on blu-ray, but they aren’t.

MR. ED THE MOVIE

1. The Social Network/Sony Wknd/$ 15.5 Total/$ 46.1

2. Life As We Know It/Warners Wknd/$ 14.6 Total/$ 14.6

3. Secretariat/Disney Wknd/$ 12.6 Total/$ 12.6

4. Legend of the Guardians/Warners Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 39.4

5. My Soul To Take/Universal Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 6.9

6. The Town/Warners Wknd/$ 6.4 Total/$ 73.8

7. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps/Fox Wknd/$ 4.6 Total/$ 43.7

8. Easy A/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 48.1

9. Case 39/Paramount Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 9.6

10. You Again/Touchstone Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 20.7

THE TRUTH SUCKS

The Social Network holds at number one and I pretty much expected a few women would be pissed about this movie, because basically it’s about a bunch of dudes being dickheads, which really doesn’t lead to strong female roles, but not being able to see the forest for the trees always surprises me. Did you miss the song used the trailer was Radiohead's "Creep"? I mean why would there be a strong female role in a movie about dickheads? It’s like there being no strong minority roles in movie about Nazis. And then there’s the criticism about it now being factual. No shit. A Hollywood film based on real events uses almost none of those real events. Know why? BECAUSE A MOVIE ABOUT A FUCKING WEBSITE BEING BUILT WOULD BE AS BORING AS SHIT! Next you’re going to tell me that Joe Montana came out and revealed that Rudy was jack shit. That said, Jesse Eisenberg is the dark Michael Cera. He’s a master of these geek characters who are in their own way as mean as the frat types who wind up bullying them. But while Cera plays these guys for laughs in increasingly poor films (Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist, Youth In Revolt, Scott Pilgrim Saves The World) Eisenberg’s films get better and better (Adventureland, Solitary Man, Zombieland). But they’re both playing the roles that Topher Grace has grown too old for.

A RANGE FROM A TO A

Life As We Know It opens at number two and given Katherine Heigl is producing this she might want to give herself a role that for once isn’t an uptight career woman. Yes, she does it effortlessly and stretching might end in disaster (think Michael J. Fox when he tried to play working class rather than smart, upcoming business guys), but please put some kind of spin on it. Make the character darker, dumber, something. I like her as an actress but even I wasn’t going to see this shit. First of all, the contrived set up. “Hey, honey, if we die let’s leave our baby to our two closest friends together, even though one is an aging manchild and the other is a repressed workaholic and they hate each other. It’d be a cute movie one day.” Secondly, we get it. You will never let someone who looks like Seth Rogen touch you on film again. Since that movie it’s been vapid pretty boy after vapid pretty boy (Ashton Kutcher, James Marsden, Josh Duhmael). And while I applaud your stance on principle, you might want to at least get pretty with substance like, Josh Duhmael’s dark twin, Timothy Olyphant. That I would have paid to see.

A HORSE IS A HORSE, OF COURSE OF COURSE

Secretariat opens at number three and didn’t we just see this? A nice-looking period piece about a horse? Oh, that was Seabiscuit. Same thing. Which is why I didn’t bother to see this even though I like Diane Lane a helluva lot more than I do Tobey Maguire. That it’s a flat out Disney production also suggests a lack of three dimensions which something like this desperately needs to save itself from being a dull bio-pic…about a horse.

OWLS, SCHMOWLS. LET’S DISCUSS SOMETHING IMPORTANT LIKE SUPERMAN.

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole is down to number four and clearly God hates me because the director of this, Zack Synder, is the director of the next Superman movie. God forbid there be a director with an actual imagination for one of pop culture’s greatest creations, the character that gave birth to an entire genre. Looking forward to Jor-El kicking Zod into the Phantom Zone screaming “This…is…KRYPTON!!!”

WE’VE GOT A BURN VICTIM WITH CLAW FINGERS SHOT TO DEATH IN SOUTH CENTRAL…

My Soul To Take opens at number five and is even Wes Craven so afraid of Saw that he won’t open his film on Halloween? Here’s the scenario, kids: Saw is the Halloween movie and everyone will try to go see it. Everyone will not get in, so where will they go? To your scary movie also opening on the same day. Damn, it’s not rocket science. What fucking good is your story-killing, logic defying degree in Marketing for any goddamned way? Oh, this about teenagers being killed by a dead serial killer from their small town. Same old, same old. Notice how this shit never happens in New York or LA. Teenagers there wouldn’t be going down without at fight.

WHEN IN DOUBT ALWAYS CHECK THE DRAPES!

The Town is down to number six, followed by Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps at number seven and Easy A at number eight and in more geek news, Emma Stone will be the new Gwen Stacy in the Spider-Man reboot. Okay, so I’ll sum it up for you. Natural blonde Kirsten Dunst was made into a redhead to play Mary Jane, while natural redhead Bryce Howard was made into blonde to play Gwen Stacy. Now natural blonde Emma Stone who has been dying her hair red all this time will let it return to its natural blonde state. Got it? Good.

WE LIKED YOU JUST AS YOU WERE

Case 39 is down to number nine and also in this is current “it” boy, Bradley Cooper. You’d think they’d be making a little more of that given how under the radar this film has been. Also, isn’t Renee Zellweger a star in her own right? An Oscar winner? Why is it then it feels like she either rarely works and when she does it barely gets noticed? Will we need a third Bridget Jones movie for her?

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD WOMEN

Finally, You Again closes out the top ten at number ten and enough with the Betty White already, okay? She’d probably appreciate a little rest at her age. And if you want to see her do this old lady with a wicked tongue thing right, check out the underrated horror comedy, Lake Placid.

[PARENTAL ADVISORY] Radiohead - Creep
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NOT COMING ANYTIME SOON: MYSPACE THE MOVIE

1. The Social Network/Sony Wknd/$ 23.0 Total/$ 23.0

2. Legend of the Guardians/Warners Wknd/$ 10.9 Total/$ 30.0

3. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps/Fox Wknd/$ 10.1 Total/$ 30.0

4. The Town/Warners Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 64.3

5. Easy A/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 42.4

6. You Again/Touchstone Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 16.4

7. Case 39/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 5.4

8. Let Me In/ Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 5.3

9. Devil/Universal Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 27.4

10. Alpha and Omega/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 19.0

DON’T FORGET TO SEND ME A LAWSUIT REQUEST

The Social Network opens at number one and this is a good, well-made film. I know that sounds like it should be redundant, but honestly you don’t see films that this flawless on virtually every level: script, performances, direction and overall technical sheen. Now, Fincher has always had the latter. His films always look good, but he’ll sacrifice story in a heartbeat for it. It’s simply not what he’s about. Fortunately for him he met his match in Aaron Sorkin who is one of the few powerful writers in Hollywood though not without his own flaws. His tendency is to being pretentious and treacley without much to back it up (sorry, West Wing fans, but quick dialogue on current events does not equal “smart” and I don’t care what your junior college film professor told you). Somehow the two managed to offset each other perfectly and come up with an exceptional film making the story of a website being created with (Justin Timberlake as a star, no less), which should have gotten someone fired at the Monday morning meeting for new projects, one of the best movies of the year. The crucial decision to not tell the film chronologically is what makes it work. Rather than start at the beginning, we start at the end with the infamous lawsuits, which is to be expected from any company created by 20-somethings that’s worth a billion dollars. The film jumps back and forth through time showing us how we got there and the anchor of the film is Jesse Eiseneberg who is thankfully willing to play a totally unlikable character. Mark Zuckerberg apparently doesn’t care for this movie and I don’t blame him, considering it makes him out to be a bit of a genius but a lot of an insecure jackass and if any kind of star had played this role there would have been the temptation to “soften” him up because you cannot have your audience disliking your star, but another good thing about Fincher’s films it’s that he likes unlikable characters and doesn’t cut them any slack. Zuckerberg is a jerk, his nice best buddy is weak, Sean Fanning (Justin Timberlake) is oily and the Winklevoss twins need to stop saying this film is fact because the makes it clear their idea was dumb (a website to date Harvard guys) and limited (again, a website to date Harvard guys) and they look especially dim taking forever to finally sue Zuckerberg. So whether it was planned or not, the end result of watching this story of the rich, smart and motivated makes you feel a little bit better about being broke, dumb and lazy because at least you’re not them.

JUST NOT BUYING IT

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole holds at number two and seriously, owls? Owls at war?

I THINK SHE’S MADE A FILM OR TWO

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps is down to number three and also in this is Susan Sarandon and don’t you think you might want to tell someone this? Famous Academy-award winning actress and she’s nowhere to be seen in commercials or trailers? I mean, I still don’t want to see it, but it lowers my disinterest a tad.

DO WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT

The Town is down to number four and also in this is Jon Hamm, who like Blake Lively is making the smart transition to film in a strong supporting role that’s not too like their TV persona, yet still kinda the same. Serena is a slutty drug user too, so it wasn’t that much of a change for her, and Hamm here is a tough, alpha-male FBI Agent capable of ruthlessness to get what he wants, so he’s also staying close to his wheelhouse. His Brokeback Mountain is a bit further down the line. Oh, come on. You know it’s coming.

EASY MONEY

Easy A is down to number five and $42M box office off an $8M budget means this is already a serious moneymaker. Given that 3x budget is the rule of thumb, 5x means you can get some extra cheese on your whopper. Hell, it means you can skip Burger King entirely. And now Emma Stone may be the new Mary Jane in the Spider-Man reboot. Finally instead of hiring blondes and making them redheads (Kirsten Dunst, Gwyneth Paltrow, Scarlet Johansson) someone thought, “Hey, let’s just hire a redhead this time.”

ALSO LESS SUCCESSFUL. COINCIDENCE? I DON’T THINK SO.

You Again is down to number six and no, that’s not Megan Fox. It’s her less-slutty-looking look-a-like, Odette Yustman, who fifty years ago would have had to change her name to Megan Fox for a career in Hollywood. Ironic, isn’t it?

CHILDREN ARE EVIL. YOU READ IT HERE FIRST.

Case 39 opens at number seven and Let Me In opens at number eight and you have to wonder about the strategy of releasing them the same weekend. I think if I heard there was another horror movie centering on a child I’d move. Especially if that move put me closer to Halloween! Hello!?! We’re a little early aren’t we? Opening at Halloween is easy money. You’re a fool not to do it. And haven’t we seen this movie with Renee Zellweger a dozen times before? Supernatural entities after some kid and some woman stands in their way? Clearly we have because not too many people wanted to see it again. And Let Me In is the American remake of Let the Right One in which was loved pretty much by any person whoever saw it. Unfortunately it wasn’t in English or America, so it had to be remade, though it seems people weren’t going to watch this no matter what language it was in. Now somewhere the producers of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo are freaking out, because they’re also remaking a Swedish film that seems to have a built-in audience and it promise you it cost more than $20M.

THE END

Devil is down to number nine followed by Alpha & Omega at number ten.

LESS THAN FANTASTIC FOUR

TV premieres continued last week with No Ordinary Family, which is basically The Incredibles as a live action series. But before anyone wonders where the lawyers are, remember that this is ABC, which is Disney, so it’s all in the family. It’s not bad, but it’s not that good either. Where The Incredibles was inspired, this is repetitive having been done better with Heroes in its first, best season. I won’t even get into how The Incredibles themselves is just a version of The Fantastic Four, the first family team of superheroes, whose movie ironically starred Michael Chiklis who is once again the strong guy in such a group. But his time he doesn’t have to wear an uncomfortable rubber suit, so you know he’s glad. They also make sure to have one member of the family a scientist like the Fantastic Four, so we can have someone around to explain things to us ‘cuz we’re dumb.

NO GIRLS ALLOWED IN THE BATCAVE!

In the world of real superheroes Superman/Batman: Apocalypse is the latest release in their direct-to-video series of animated movies. It’s an adaptation of the story that reintroduced Supergirl to the mythology after killing her off 20 years ago. The story itself was horrible and poorly illustrated, but like the saying goes in Hollywood “bad books make good movies” so this wasn’t half-bad. But they have the worst marketing people on earth. This is the story of Supergirl. Wonder Woman is also in it, but they are nowhere to be seen on the cover. The two most famous female superheroes on the planet and they go unadvertised. This is why you don’t have a Wonder Woman movie, kids. Dumb ass dudes who don’t think people will buy a something if women have a prominent role. Clearly the belief in cooties continues beyond elementary school.

ONCE MORE A GLIMPSE OF PARIS

One of the friends I made through Jezebel.com sent me a three-day pass for the Equinox gym. Actually she sent it to me over the summer, but being the procrastinator that I am, didn’t use it until last week. Also, I was saving it for something special. You know, like the Bliss spa pass I’ve had for two years. In any case, the expiration was for September 30^th, so I walked in on the 27^th to use it, pretty much solely for the pool. There are two Equinox gyms near me, but only one has a pool and of course it’s the one in the AOL Time Warner Center which made it extra special. Having spent the last year in the ghetto gym of the Bally’s in the basement of Worldwide Plaza I was looking forward to a beautiful, bright open aired space. So of course the Equinox in the AOL Time Warner Center is---you guessed---underground. Somewhere Fate was laughing her ass off at me. Still, it was gorgeous, though smaller than I expected. One single long floor with everything from free weights to machines to stretching areas to rooms for classes, etc. But I was only there for the pool, so I didn’t care either way. The pool itself was again, ironically smaller than the one at Ballys, three lanes to four, but the atmosphere was completely different. It was more like the pool at luxury hotel with soothing music being piped in and comfortable wicker chairs on which to sit. The Ballys one, on the other hand, is like something from 1962 Soviet Russia. Which brings me to the cruel, ugly cherry on top of my entire visit: an absence of ugly people from the staff (the guy who signed me up for the pass had his headshot up right behind him) to the clientele. This is not to say they were all supermodels and bodybuilders, but it’s an odd sociological fact that the people who have more reason to flaunt do less of it. So instead of middle-aged doughboy Europeans in bikini briefs, I got relatively young, fit people in designer workout gear and swimwear. Like me, most guys in the pool wore jumpers to the knee and the only guy in a shorter speedo (though not bikini) looked like he was carved out of marble. And the lack of repugnance carried to the immaculate locker room. Obviously because these people could afford that particular gym (not to mention neighborhood) they could dress themselves better, hence again the lack of ugly, saggy men in fucking tighty whiteys (when I become king no one old enough to vote will be allowed to wear those fucking things under penalty of death), but apparently a higher income means you know how to work out, hence the decrease in the Jabba The Hut quotient of bodies. My company actually gets me a discounted rate at Equinox, but not only is it still three times what I’m paying at Ballys, but not at the one with the pool, so even if I were willing to bite the bullet and pay it and walk the ten blocks, I couldn’t get what I wanted so I remained consigned to the basement. Heavy sigh.

WORTH IT

The Gap had a sale over the weekend so I replaced an old pair of jeans with a new pair in the exact same style and cut...but two sizes smaller. While on on hand I'm clearly delighted, on the other I'm realizing the ten pounds I dropped was literally my fat ass. No wonder the gut's not going anywhere. All the results went to my fat ass! Well, that and I don't do any kind of ab workout because I hate it so much. The other downside is, I can never stop now. Seriously. My old "standard jeans" have now become my new "fat jeans" and unless I want to go back to them I have to keep this shit up. Sigh. This was the first summer in my life I went without ever touching ice cream. I'm still not sure it was worth it.

YOUR WORLD IS POORER

Death came big this week, taking from film, TV and music. From film, the great Tony Curtis, husband of Janet Leigh and father of Jamie Lee, further taunting Mickey Rooney with the sweet release he longs for. From music she took Dick Griffey who founded SOLAR aka, Sound Of Los Angeles Records, home to Shalamar, The Whispers, Midnight Star and The Deele, whose members included one Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds, and it was Dick Griffey who told him to start producing and we know how that worked out. SOLAR was also where Terry Lewis & Jimmy Jam started producing and we really know how that worked out. And from TV she took Stephen J. Cannell, the man who brought us everything from The Rockford Files to Greatest American Hero to 21 Jump Street to Castle, as well as smaller gems like Stingray and Tenspeed & Brownshoe.