IT'S ABOUT BOOBS. ALWAYS.

1. Jackass 3D/Parmount Wknd/$ 50.0 Total/$ 50.0

2. Red/Summit Wknd/$ 22.5 Total/$ 22.5

3. The Social Network/Sony Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 63.1

4. Secretariat/Disney Wknd/$ 9.5 Total/$ 27.5

5. Life As We Know It/Warners Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 28.9

6. Legend of the Guardians/Warners Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 46.0

7. The Town/Warners Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 80.6

8. My Soul To Take/Universal Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 11.9

9. Easy A/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 47.9

10. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps/Fox Wknd/$ 4.6 Total/$ 43.7

LET NATURE TAKE ITS COURSE…PLEASE

Jackass 3D opens at number one causing a decrease in stupid testosterone-fueled crimes over the weekend as those morons who’d commit them were clearly watching this and then going off to hurt themselves and not others. Personally, I think this should be called the “The Darwinism Taunts” because if someone gets killed doing this, it’s not like we’re losing a valuable contributor to the gene pool. If Jessica Simpson were smarter, she’d be shaking her head somewhere over the fact she boned one or two of these guys. But she’s not, so she doesn’t and was probably sexually excited to see this movie.

SOMEWHERE A FILM SNOB WONDERS WHERE IRENE JACOB IS

Red opens at number two and this could have easily been called “Old Guns” and I’m sure some dickwad from marketing suggested it. A group of retired CIA agents find themselves on a hit list from the Agency itself which finds it a lot tougher than expected to kill them off. It’s an old story and this time it comes courtesy of a comic book and no, I’ve never read it (I need tights, flights and fights to hold my interest). Because of the slight story (though the sad irony is the comic book was probably infinitely more complex) this rests solely on the shoulders of its stars. Bruce Willis plays his role perhaps a bit too well of an agent a little depressed in forced retirement. It’s almost like he’s sleepwalking through this, but Mary-Louise Parker brings the same wide-eyed joy she’s been doing for most of her career. Morgan Freeman’s ability to bring wicked charm is wasted in a too small role, but it’s picked up by the great John Malkovich and Helen Mirren, who seem delighted to be back in the world unleashing mayhem. And unlike a half-dozen male action stars I can name, Helen Mirren doesn’t blink when firing automatic weapons the size of trucks. It’s so hot, you wish she’d been the center of the movie and not Bruce Willis. Given that the plot is hardly important they could have sacrificed some time spent on it for the real meat, which is the stars of the movie together. The director has no real flair for action so we could have sacrificed a couple of rounds for more of the glee both Parker and Mirren display towards a life of action or a nice little flashback sequence showing them all in their youth.

EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO COMICS. EVERYTHING.

The Social Network is down to number three and the geek connection here is Armie Hammer, who plays the Winklevoss twins (CGI and a body double) was cast as Batman in the abandoned Justice League movie and they even got as far as to create his costume. I have to admit, it’s not bad casting at all and he’s got one of the best lines in the movie: “I’m 6’5”, 220 pounds and there’s two of me.” Why these guys who rowed crew in the Olympics would need a website to get girls is a testament to how dumb they are. Or at least how dumb they are depicted in the film.

STEPPENWOLF, BITCHES!

Secretariat is down to number four and this gives John Malkovich two films in the top ten and two where’s he’s playing a crazy old guy. I wish I could say he was acting, but if you’ve ever read an interview with him, you know it ain’t that much of a stretch for him. And you kids won’t remember but there was a brief time this lizardly fellow was a leading man, convincingly seducing Michelle Pfeiffer and Uma Thurman onscreen. I personally have a weakness for Making Mr. Right, a flawed but entertaining movie I’ll watch on cable anytime it comes on. In the end a combination of The Sheltering Sky and The Object of Beauty did his brief leading man career in. Well, that and he’s fucking ugly.

LIKE A MOUNTAIN PASS

Life As We Know It is down to number five and as the doomed mother in his is Christina Hendricks, best known as the secretary from Mad Men and what is all this “curvy” bullshit? It’s about tits and since when has someone with big tits becoming a sex symbol been unique? There was none of this “Oh, we’re back to curves” talk when Salma Hayek blew up and she’s built like an hourglass. Also, Katherine Heigl, the star of this isn’t exactly flat-chested herself and her character on Gray’s Anatomy was former lingerie model and within the first three episodes her goods were firmly on display. This is just business as usual, kids. And if it’s so great, why isn’t she starring in something, rather than dying in the first five minutes? Oh, that’s right. She’s not blonde with big tits (can you say, “Scarlet Johansson?”). My bad. This is America after all

TOO BAD THEY’RE REMAKING FRIGHT NIGHT WITHOUT YOU

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole is down to number six, followed The Town at number seven and my soul to take at number eight and Wes Craven needs to find a new shtick, because clearly just his name ain’t cutting it any longer. How about a comedy? You can even make it a horror comedy if you like.

WHERE’S CHUCK’S MOVIE?

Easy A is still hanging around at number nine giving another Gossip Girl cast member a successful film they didn’t have to carry. Get used to it, kid.

AND DON’T GET STARTED ON HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW

Finally, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps closes out the top ten at number ten and this means only one member of the Josh Brolin/Diane Lane household will have a movie in the top ten. And she’s the star of hers. Well, I guess the horse technically is, but she’s the top human star. Brolin, not so much.

DEATH AND STUFF

Death took a minor god last week in the form of Barbara Billingsley. Yes, Mrs. Cleaver is gone. America just lost one of its greatest parents. Now it’s all in your hands, Florence Henderson.

YOU CAN GET PORN ON BLU RAY, BUT NOT HIS GIRL FRIDAY

Borders is overpriced as hell when it comes to pretty much everything outside of books, but they also tend to give out great coupons, so every week I check and this week was another 40% off anything in the store making it possible to add the Criterion Edition of Charade to my collection. There just aren’t enough classic films on blu-ray (there are only two Cary Grant films) and yes, the definition also improves the black & white features, though Charade is in glorious, glorious color. Also thanks to this wonderful ridiculousness of coupons I’ve been able to add Terminator 2, D.O.A.: Dead Or Alive, and The Losers. Hey, I paid a lot of money for this damn TV and need movies that make the most of it, like special effects and explosions…and kung fu girls in bikinis. And it’s not like Bridget Jones’s Diary or Four Weddings & A Funeral is available for me to buy anyway. Fuckers. Stallone’s goddamn arm wrestling movie, Over The Top, is on blu-ray, but they aren’t.