NOT COMING ANYTIME SOON: MYSPACE THE MOVIE

1. The Social Network/Sony Wknd/$ 23.0 Total/$ 23.0

2. Legend of the Guardians/Warners Wknd/$ 10.9 Total/$ 30.0

3. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps/Fox Wknd/$ 10.1 Total/$ 30.0

4. The Town/Warners Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 64.3

5. Easy A/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 42.4

6. You Again/Touchstone Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 16.4

7. Case 39/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 5.4

8. Let Me In/ Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 5.3

9. Devil/Universal Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 27.4

10. Alpha and Omega/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 19.0

DON’T FORGET TO SEND ME A LAWSUIT REQUEST

The Social Network opens at number one and this is a good, well-made film. I know that sounds like it should be redundant, but honestly you don’t see films that this flawless on virtually every level: script, performances, direction and overall technical sheen. Now, Fincher has always had the latter. His films always look good, but he’ll sacrifice story in a heartbeat for it. It’s simply not what he’s about. Fortunately for him he met his match in Aaron Sorkin who is one of the few powerful writers in Hollywood though not without his own flaws. His tendency is to being pretentious and treacley without much to back it up (sorry, West Wing fans, but quick dialogue on current events does not equal “smart” and I don’t care what your junior college film professor told you). Somehow the two managed to offset each other perfectly and come up with an exceptional film making the story of a website being created with (Justin Timberlake as a star, no less), which should have gotten someone fired at the Monday morning meeting for new projects, one of the best movies of the year. The crucial decision to not tell the film chronologically is what makes it work. Rather than start at the beginning, we start at the end with the infamous lawsuits, which is to be expected from any company created by 20-somethings that’s worth a billion dollars. The film jumps back and forth through time showing us how we got there and the anchor of the film is Jesse Eiseneberg who is thankfully willing to play a totally unlikable character. Mark Zuckerberg apparently doesn’t care for this movie and I don’t blame him, considering it makes him out to be a bit of a genius but a lot of an insecure jackass and if any kind of star had played this role there would have been the temptation to “soften” him up because you cannot have your audience disliking your star, but another good thing about Fincher’s films it’s that he likes unlikable characters and doesn’t cut them any slack. Zuckerberg is a jerk, his nice best buddy is weak, Sean Fanning (Justin Timberlake) is oily and the Winklevoss twins need to stop saying this film is fact because the makes it clear their idea was dumb (a website to date Harvard guys) and limited (again, a website to date Harvard guys) and they look especially dim taking forever to finally sue Zuckerberg. So whether it was planned or not, the end result of watching this story of the rich, smart and motivated makes you feel a little bit better about being broke, dumb and lazy because at least you’re not them.

JUST NOT BUYING IT

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole holds at number two and seriously, owls? Owls at war?

I THINK SHE’S MADE A FILM OR TWO

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps is down to number three and also in this is Susan Sarandon and don’t you think you might want to tell someone this? Famous Academy-award winning actress and she’s nowhere to be seen in commercials or trailers? I mean, I still don’t want to see it, but it lowers my disinterest a tad.

DO WHAT YOU’RE GOOD AT

The Town is down to number four and also in this is Jon Hamm, who like Blake Lively is making the smart transition to film in a strong supporting role that’s not too like their TV persona, yet still kinda the same. Serena is a slutty drug user too, so it wasn’t that much of a change for her, and Hamm here is a tough, alpha-male FBI Agent capable of ruthlessness to get what he wants, so he’s also staying close to his wheelhouse. His Brokeback Mountain is a bit further down the line. Oh, come on. You know it’s coming.

EASY MONEY

Easy A is down to number five and $42M box office off an $8M budget means this is already a serious moneymaker. Given that 3x budget is the rule of thumb, 5x means you can get some extra cheese on your whopper. Hell, it means you can skip Burger King entirely. And now Emma Stone may be the new Mary Jane in the Spider-Man reboot. Finally instead of hiring blondes and making them redheads (Kirsten Dunst, Gwyneth Paltrow, Scarlet Johansson) someone thought, “Hey, let’s just hire a redhead this time.”

ALSO LESS SUCCESSFUL. COINCIDENCE? I DON’T THINK SO.

You Again is down to number six and no, that’s not Megan Fox. It’s her less-slutty-looking look-a-like, Odette Yustman, who fifty years ago would have had to change her name to Megan Fox for a career in Hollywood. Ironic, isn’t it?

CHILDREN ARE EVIL. YOU READ IT HERE FIRST.

Case 39 opens at number seven and Let Me In opens at number eight and you have to wonder about the strategy of releasing them the same weekend. I think if I heard there was another horror movie centering on a child I’d move. Especially if that move put me closer to Halloween! Hello!?! We’re a little early aren’t we? Opening at Halloween is easy money. You’re a fool not to do it. And haven’t we seen this movie with Renee Zellweger a dozen times before? Supernatural entities after some kid and some woman stands in their way? Clearly we have because not too many people wanted to see it again. And Let Me In is the American remake of Let the Right One in which was loved pretty much by any person whoever saw it. Unfortunately it wasn’t in English or America, so it had to be remade, though it seems people weren’t going to watch this no matter what language it was in. Now somewhere the producers of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo are freaking out, because they’re also remaking a Swedish film that seems to have a built-in audience and it promise you it cost more than $20M.

THE END

Devil is down to number nine followed by Alpha & Omega at number ten.

LESS THAN FANTASTIC FOUR

TV premieres continued last week with No Ordinary Family, which is basically The Incredibles as a live action series. But before anyone wonders where the lawyers are, remember that this is ABC, which is Disney, so it’s all in the family. It’s not bad, but it’s not that good either. Where The Incredibles was inspired, this is repetitive having been done better with Heroes in its first, best season. I won’t even get into how The Incredibles themselves is just a version of The Fantastic Four, the first family team of superheroes, whose movie ironically starred Michael Chiklis who is once again the strong guy in such a group. But his time he doesn’t have to wear an uncomfortable rubber suit, so you know he’s glad. They also make sure to have one member of the family a scientist like the Fantastic Four, so we can have someone around to explain things to us ‘cuz we’re dumb.

NO GIRLS ALLOWED IN THE BATCAVE!

In the world of real superheroes Superman/Batman: Apocalypse is the latest release in their direct-to-video series of animated movies. It’s an adaptation of the story that reintroduced Supergirl to the mythology after killing her off 20 years ago. The story itself was horrible and poorly illustrated, but like the saying goes in Hollywood “bad books make good movies” so this wasn’t half-bad. But they have the worst marketing people on earth. This is the story of Supergirl. Wonder Woman is also in it, but they are nowhere to be seen on the cover. The two most famous female superheroes on the planet and they go unadvertised. This is why you don’t have a Wonder Woman movie, kids. Dumb ass dudes who don’t think people will buy a something if women have a prominent role. Clearly the belief in cooties continues beyond elementary school.

ONCE MORE A GLIMPSE OF PARIS

One of the friends I made through Jezebel.com sent me a three-day pass for the Equinox gym. Actually she sent it to me over the summer, but being the procrastinator that I am, didn’t use it until last week. Also, I was saving it for something special. You know, like the Bliss spa pass I’ve had for two years. In any case, the expiration was for September 30^th, so I walked in on the 27^th to use it, pretty much solely for the pool. There are two Equinox gyms near me, but only one has a pool and of course it’s the one in the AOL Time Warner Center which made it extra special. Having spent the last year in the ghetto gym of the Bally’s in the basement of Worldwide Plaza I was looking forward to a beautiful, bright open aired space. So of course the Equinox in the AOL Time Warner Center is---you guessed---underground. Somewhere Fate was laughing her ass off at me. Still, it was gorgeous, though smaller than I expected. One single long floor with everything from free weights to machines to stretching areas to rooms for classes, etc. But I was only there for the pool, so I didn’t care either way. The pool itself was again, ironically smaller than the one at Ballys, three lanes to four, but the atmosphere was completely different. It was more like the pool at luxury hotel with soothing music being piped in and comfortable wicker chairs on which to sit. The Ballys one, on the other hand, is like something from 1962 Soviet Russia. Which brings me to the cruel, ugly cherry on top of my entire visit: an absence of ugly people from the staff (the guy who signed me up for the pass had his headshot up right behind him) to the clientele. This is not to say they were all supermodels and bodybuilders, but it’s an odd sociological fact that the people who have more reason to flaunt do less of it. So instead of middle-aged doughboy Europeans in bikini briefs, I got relatively young, fit people in designer workout gear and swimwear. Like me, most guys in the pool wore jumpers to the knee and the only guy in a shorter speedo (though not bikini) looked like he was carved out of marble. And the lack of repugnance carried to the immaculate locker room. Obviously because these people could afford that particular gym (not to mention neighborhood) they could dress themselves better, hence again the lack of ugly, saggy men in fucking tighty whiteys (when I become king no one old enough to vote will be allowed to wear those fucking things under penalty of death), but apparently a higher income means you know how to work out, hence the decrease in the Jabba The Hut quotient of bodies. My company actually gets me a discounted rate at Equinox, but not only is it still three times what I’m paying at Ballys, but not at the one with the pool, so even if I were willing to bite the bullet and pay it and walk the ten blocks, I couldn’t get what I wanted so I remained consigned to the basement. Heavy sigh.

WORTH IT

The Gap had a sale over the weekend so I replaced an old pair of jeans with a new pair in the exact same style and cut...but two sizes smaller. While on on hand I'm clearly delighted, on the other I'm realizing the ten pounds I dropped was literally my fat ass. No wonder the gut's not going anywhere. All the results went to my fat ass! Well, that and I don't do any kind of ab workout because I hate it so much. The other downside is, I can never stop now. Seriously. My old "standard jeans" have now become my new "fat jeans" and unless I want to go back to them I have to keep this shit up. Sigh. This was the first summer in my life I went without ever touching ice cream. I'm still not sure it was worth it.

YOUR WORLD IS POORER

Death came big this week, taking from film, TV and music. From film, the great Tony Curtis, husband of Janet Leigh and father of Jamie Lee, further taunting Mickey Rooney with the sweet release he longs for. From music she took Dick Griffey who founded SOLAR aka, Sound Of Los Angeles Records, home to Shalamar, The Whispers, Midnight Star and The Deele, whose members included one Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds, and it was Dick Griffey who told him to start producing and we know how that worked out. SOLAR was also where Terry Lewis & Jimmy Jam started producing and we really know how that worked out. And from TV she took Stephen J. Cannell, the man who brought us everything from The Rockford Files to Greatest American Hero to 21 Jump Street to Castle, as well as smaller gems like Stingray and Tenspeed & Brownshoe.