WHERE'S SATAN WHEN YOU NEED HIM!?!

1. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 36.0 Total/$ 552.8

2. Legion/SGem Wknd/$ 18.2 Total/$ 18.2

3. The Book of Eli/Warner Wknd/$ 17.0 Total/$ 62.0

4. The Tooth Fairy/Fox Wknd/$ 14.5 Total/$ 14.5

5. The Lovely Bones/Par Wknd/$ 8.8 Total/$ 31.6

6. Sherlock Holmes/Warners Wknd/$ 7.1 Total/$ 191.6

7. Extraordinary Measures/CBS Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 7.0

8. Alvin & The Chipmunks 2/Fox Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 204.2 4.

9. It’s Complicated/Universal Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 98.7

10.The Spy Next Door/LGF Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 18.7

REMEMBER: SHIT FLOATS, DIAMONDS SINK

Avatar rises back to the number one spot and apparently there’s some griping from Kathryn Bigelow fans because Cameron won Best Director over The Hurt Locker at The Golden Globes. Get the fuck over it. First of all, when did the fucking Golden Globes become respectable!?! They are the Pia Zadora Awards for fuck’s sake! Second, since when does quality beat popularity? Titanic was a piece of crap, but the biggest grossing film of all time (not adjusted for inflation) and so it beat out L.A. Confidential. Forrest Gump was a piece of crap and beat out Pulp Fiction. And Dances With Wolves, which is what Cameron fully admits this is, beat GoodFellas. She’s not special. This is not the patriarchy slamming her down. Not to mention, Cameron---who is her ex-husband---is the reason she directed The Hurt Locker to begin with.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS PLOT NEEDS? HMMM. COULD IT BE…SATAN!

Legion opens at number two and if you must see one angels vs. humanity film, then go rent The Prophecy and save your money on this. It’s disappointing too, because the idea of an angel with a machine gun trying to defend humanity from God himself just sounds awesome. Unfortunately, the people behind this clearly thought that was enough and didn’t go beyond it. Basically, God has tired of humanity and sends angels down to wipe us out, only the angels apparently need to possess human bodies to do this, even though we see they can come down as themselves when they want. And when they possess someone, people take on a demonic appearance, which is odd considering they’re angels. Also the one angel who’s decided to rebel against God is Michael and in the only subtle yet effective scene of the film we see you clearly lose your obedience collar if you’re willing to sacrifice your wings. Of course this begs the question of why exactly an angel needs an obedience collar? Don’t expect answers because we’re too busy with horror/disaster movie exposition, as we meet the group of people who are going to be trapped to face of with the angels, learning just enough about them so we’ll supposedly miss them when they die. We don’t and this is time that would have been better spent on explaining why the baby the waitress is carrying will be the salvation of all mankind. Or more importantly WHERE THE HELL IS SATAN!?! Seriously, God comes after mankind, the key is an unborn child…how much more interesting would it have been if Satan showed up to take advantage of the situation!?! He does in The Prophecy and is played by none other than Vigo Mortensen. Yeah, you’re really better off seeing that.

IT REMINDED ME ODDLY OF GENE WILDER CARRYING AROUND THE TORAH IN THE FRISCO KID

The Book of Eli is down to number three and we’ve got a little more God on tap as the book Eli is carrying in a post-apocalyptic world is The Bible. This is basically every lone gunman/samurai movie you’ve ever seen---not that it’s a bad thing. It’s a well-used plot for a reason. Lone badass comes into town, doesn’t want to get involved, gets pushed and the head baddie and his henchmen live to regret it. Well, they don’t live, but they regret it. We’ve even got the whore who needs to be saved, except they don’t make the mistake that the producers of Pretty Woman made decades ago: it’s her first time and the hero saves her from that fate. Seriously, the reason I truly hate Pretty Woman is because she was supposed to be this hooker who still remained innocent inside, whereas if they’d made it her first night ever and Richard Gere actually saved her from being a hooker it truly is a fairy tale wouldn’t be such a goddamned offensive movie. Here, Denzel Washington refuses to help turn Mia Kunis into a whore, which is a bookend from a decade ago when his dick alone managed to get Mila Jovovich (another Russian-born beauty) to give up being a hooker in He Got Game (from Spike Lee, of course). And like any good gunfighter/samurai, she becomes his charge, joining him on the road. They even have the head henchman wanting her! In fact, if there’s anything missing from this, it’s more gunfights/swordfights. Eli just kicks ass a bit too easily. One nice ironic twist is that they don’t deify The Bible. It’s nothing but what Denzel Washington and Gary Oldman believe it to be. Denzel sees it as part of mankind’s salvation, while Gary Oldman realizes he can use it to manipulate and control people and flat out calls it a weapon. There’s even the reason there are no Bibles left: they were destroyed because they were seen as the cause of the war that’s all but wiped out mankind.

CAN YOU SMELL HOW THE ROCK IS WHORING?

Speaking of whores, The Tooth Fairy opens at number three and The Rock continues to make Walt Disney a happy pimp. Now the gruff guy dealing with kids is as old as movies. Even Cary Grant did it in Father Goose, but what makes this take on it suck is how utterly saccharine they feel it needs to be. The Rock as The Tooth Fairy does bring a smile to your face, but one look at the trailer shows you, like the producers of Legion, they thought that was enough. I’ll probably spend more creative energy thinking how to trash it than they put into trying to make it entertaining for anyone over the age of four who can’t stop laughing at a giant man in fluffy wings.

IF I WANTED THIS, I’D READ BOOKS

The Lovely Bones is down to number four and living in NYC I forget that we’ll get movies opening weeks before the rest of the country so this seems like it’s been around forever for me…around forever not sparking the slightest bit of interest. Sorry, but a book about a girl watching her family trying to carry on after she’s raped, murdered and dismembered is not a book I’m going to read, I don’t care how good it is. Similarly even though the movie decides not to include the rape or dismemberment or show the murder, I’m still not that interested. Only when dad is a tough cop or ex-CIA agent who gets to kill lots and lots of people to avenge her would this interest me. A suburban family falling apart because they can’t deal with the cruelty forced upon them by fate isn’t going to get it. I saw The Sweet Hereafter (where a bus filled with schoolchildren goes into a frozen lake) and as good as it was, that’s enough for one life. I was grateful to see this got poor reviews, but it’s clear from the trailers that Peter Jackson decided to make a movie to fit his strengths (widely criticized CGI depictions of the colorful afterlife of the girl) than make a movie to properly reflect the book (can you believe some people are upset about the missing rape and dismemberment!?!). And I’m sorry, but even after all these years, I can only take anything with Marky Mark so seriously because I’m just not buying him outside of certain roles. Loving suburban dad? I don’t think so.

I’M NOT SAYING IT’S HER FAULT, BUT…WAIT, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I’M SAYING

Sherlock Holmes is down to number six and Guy Richie needed this like he needed air. His gangster movies started bombing and when strayed from formula and tried to get arty and his producer proved he could do them even better with Layer Cake. Then came his disastrous remake of Swept Away with Madonna and their eventual divorce. He needed a winner and got one as this has made $363M worldwide off a $90M budget. What’s sad and funny is that there’s a pretty good chance that if he and Madonna had stayed together, she might have had the Rachel McAdams role---and don’t think she doesn’t know it. His biggest hit ever and she’s nowhere in sight to enjoy it. He’s somewhere laughing his ass off over that…just before he gets into bed with at 20-year-old model himself.

THAT OLD GUY CLAIMS TO HAVE MADE THE KESSEL RUN IN LESS THAN 12 PAR SECS. YEAH, I KNOW. A PAR SEC ISN’T A MEASUREMENT OF TIME.

Extraordinary Measures opens at number seven and when the hell did releasing all these damn Hallmark Hall of Fame movies into theaters become acceptable!?! I mean, it’s from CBS where Hallmark Hall of Fame movies usually run for god’s sake. How is this difference from a dozen other films just like it? Oh, they don’t have Harrison Ford in them, that’s what. As my mom said when she saw the commercial for this, “My baby had to get old eventually, I guess.” Yes, Harrison Ford is an old man and now best suited to playing cranky old men who don’t get love interests so they don’t creep us out by touching the younger woman they would inevitably pair him with. And given Han Solo is now 70, younger will mean 50-something and that’s still two friggin’ decades. I’m sure this is touching and all, but I really don’t give a crap. I don’t watch it TV so I’m sure as hell not going to pay to see it.

THE CINEMATIC CIRCLE OF LIFE!

Alvin & The Chipmunks 2 is down to number eight, followed by It’s Complicated at number nine and The Spy Next Door at number ten and after all the bone-breaking work Jackie Chan has done in his four decade career (he’s actually a stuntman in Enter The Dragon with Bruce Lee) he’s earned a right to do crappy children’s films like this, but do they have to be so clearly awful? His job now is to assume the role left by Mako when he died last year: cranky teacher to the next young martial arts superstar. You know, like Mako was for him in The Big Brawl in 1980? But he is doing that too, I guess, playing the Mr. Miyagi role in the remake of The Karate Kid.

PLUS THERE’S LOTS OF VIOLENCE!

I don’t watch The Simpsons any longer, dropped South Park when I realized I gave up 30 minutes of my life literally watching a piece of shit; never watched The Family Guy because it is shit and Robot Chicken doesn’t seem to run new episodes, so as far as animated shows go, Archer was a gift from heaven. This ascended almost immediately to my favorite new show, it’s so fucking funny. Archer is a secret agent at an agency his mother runs complete with all the issues that might suggest. Let me put it this way Archer is either planning to kill someone for sleeping with his mother or getting an erection when someone describes killing his mother. Yeah, it’s like that. And it’s on FX, so the language and situations are pretty adult. And by adult I mean Archer fighting with another agent naked in the locker room and stopping when they realize their penises are touching. Add to this an office filled with equally crazy employees---one of whom is Archer’s ex who dresses like Modesty Blaze and has a porn fetish---and you have a show I cannot wait to see each and every week.

TAKE A CHANCE ON ME

Also new this year is The Human Target, based on a comic book character that exists in the same comic book universe as Superman and Batman. Needless to say, they aren’t here. I don’t remember a lot about the old Human Target back up stories in Action Comics, but I do recall his thing was to actually impersonate the person in danger, hence the title “The Human Target.” He once took actually Bruce Wayne’s place. That’s the not case here. Here he’s just some bodyguard you hire. But there aren’t that many action series on today beyond your typical police procedurals and this had one of the best mano-a-mano fight scenes I’ve seen on TV in a long time, maybe ever. For the promise of more of that I’ll be coming back. Plus, I’ve liked this guy since Keen Eddie.

PRETTY PEOPLE SHOULD BE EVIL, CRAZY OR STUPID. OTHERWISE IT’S NOT FAIR.

So this didn’t happen last week because I’ve been oddly social recently. First, I had a long-delayed dinner with a friend I hadn’t seen since I was in the hospital. The Sunday after that I had dinner with my cousin who’s been taking advantage of being assigned to Washington (she works for the Justice Department) to visit NYC and see shows as many shows as she possibly can, and the Monday after that I had lunch with the Tall Canadian Blonde Who Looks Like Joan Allen I used to work with at the real estate agency, who I also hadn’t seen since being in the hospital. Needless to say which one I enjoyed the most, all due respect to family and my old friend. I so adore the Tall Canadian Blonde Who Looks Like Joan Allen, I went to the Upper East Side for lunch with her. It’s always odd being around people who are genetically blessed and know how to dress. They look like a walking clothing ad. T.C.B.W.L.L.J.A. almost always looks like a Ralph Lauren ad. It’s a joy to behold and appropriate given she’s Canadian and Ralph Lauren is a Jew from The Bronx, but both project this clean all-american image. She’s also as nice as she is lovely, which just freaks me out because if I looked like Taye Diggs or George Clooney, it’s be on a path of world domination. I’d get away with murder based on a tight t-shirt and a smile.

HE WAS BORN ON A GEEKY DAY, 1966…

I also went out to see live music like I keep swearing to do but never actually manage to. It’s always a result of someone else because I’m apparently incapable of opening a paper or magazine to see who’s in town. This time Surrogate Sister’s actual brother was playing with his band Flying Machine at Webster Hall as part of a show for 101.9. For the first time they added covers to their act one of which was Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear The Reaper” and the other was none other than Andrew Gold’s 70’s AM classic, “Lonely Boy.” Surrogate Sister mocked me for enjoying it so much, pointing out only I was old enough to remember it. The irony is, they both came out the same year and “Lonely Boy” was the bigger hit. So fuck you all! After the show we went drinking which I honestly didn’t expect because she and her husband had to get back to Long Beach. This was problematic for me because I hadn’t eaten dinner, having opted for a nap after work. Yes, the upside is you get drunk faster and cheaper, but the downside you get seriously, painfully drunk if you’re not careful and once we started approaching midnight I decided to tap out. Good thing too, because even though I ate dinner right after leaving, I was still far from peak the next morning. And as it turns out, Surrogate Sister was actually still drunk for her trip back to Long Beach the next morning. But before I left I was introduced to a friend of hers who actually represents comic book artists for a living and this is a result of one of those stories you always read about. He was an investment banker, bought comic book art, became friends with the artists who knew dick about how to sell their work like all artists, said he’d help them and boom! He left the corporate world and has a job he loves. Jealousy had me torn between murder and suicide.

RETURN OF THE EVIL BLOODSUCKERS!

1. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 48.5 Total/$ 429.0

2. Sherlock Holmes/Warners Wknd/$ 16.6 Total/$ 165.2

3. Alvin & The Chipmunks 2/Fox Wknd/$ 16.3 Total/$ 178.2

4. Daybreakers/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 15.0 Total/$ 15.0

5. It’s Complicated/Universal Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 76.4

6. Leap Year/Universal Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 9.2

7. The Blind Side/Warner Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 219.2

8. Up In The Air/Paramount Wknd/$ 7.1 Total/$ 54.0

9. Youth In Revolt/Warner Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 7.0

10. The Princess & The Frog/Disney Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 92.6

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN BLACK PEOPLE CAN’T EVEN PLAY BLACK PEOPLE?

Avatar holds at number one and also in this, kinda, is Zoe Saldana who is rapidly becoming a geek goddess. First, she plays Uhura in the new Star Trek where she gets to hook up with Spock, which guarantees that she has to be upfront in the plot from here on. Then she’s in this, now one of the biggest films in recent history and next she’s going to be in the adaptation of the comic book, The Losers. Oh, and she was actually in the first Pirates of the Caribbean and I would always point out that she got dicked by not being in the sequels. Seems she and her agent knew more than I did, given this has now passed all of them and she’s got a much larger role---though technically she’s never onscreen. Oh, and she’s in my beloved Center Stage. Could we finally have the person ready to ascend to Halle Berry’s throne as “the go-to” black actress? I mean, even though she’s not really black but Dominican? Somewhere Joy Bryant is pissed.

BUT IF SHE WANTS TO PLAY CATWOMAN IN BATMAN 3…

Sherlock Holmes holds at number two and also in this is one of my favorite young actresses, Rachel McAdams as the Catwoman to Sherlock Holmes’ Batman. Based on a real character from the novels of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, she’s one of the few to actually outwit him and why she’s never been given a more prominent movie role until now is a mystery. It’s ironic as they up the ante on the “bromance” between Holmes and Watson they introduce a truly suitable romantic interest. Or maybe that’s why they did. But honestly, I wasn’t buying McAdams in the role. Her character is supposed to an American, but an American sticks out like a sore thumb here. Not to mention McAdams just feels too contemporary for the role. But I’m glad she’s in a hit. She needed to wash The Time Traveler’s Wife off of her.

SUCK IT!

Alvin & The Chipmunks 2 holds at number three because evil is hard to kill, followed by Daybreakers opening at number four which returns the idea of vampires being evil to the forefront. Enough of these tragic romantic pretty boys! It’s time to return to the idea of bloodsucker bastards who need to be put down! This movie continues the recent idea of vampirism seen as a disease, not a magical transformation and 95% of the human population on earth has been transformed. The rest are either food or headed that way. This of course has lead to a shortage, because without fresh human blood the disease continues and transforms vampires into a bat-like monsters. Ethan Hawke is a vampire working to find a substitute to stop the destruction of all humanity, while Sam Neil is the head of the corporation providing human blood who just wants it to save his business and drive up the price of human blood which he has no intention on ceasing to provide even if an alternative is found. Into this comes William Dafoe as a vampire turned vampire hunter, proof there is a cure and he wants Ethan Hawke to recreate it. If his own conscience wasn’t enough, Ethan Hawke is also motivated by the hot girl with William Dafoe. But I guess Ethan Hawke is still a concession to the modern vampire. He’s moody, self-loathing, hot (though looking more like Josh Brolin than himself), doesn’t drink human blood and turns against other vampires (including his brother) to save humanity. Needless to say, he’s not as much fun as the very thinly veiled character of Sam Neil, a literal bloodsucking corporate head, looking for the short-term money solution rather than the long-term beneficial solution. Oil!?! What’s this got to do with oil?

IN THE GRAND WOODY ALLEN TRADITION, ONLY NOT AS GOOD

It’s Complicated is down to number five and on Saturday Night Live this week Charles Barkley, as his wont, vocalized what many people think about movies like this: they are incredibly White. Not just White, but moneyed white, which begs the question: is it better to be honest about these surroundings or to insist upon a token Black sidekick? This is a story about family and friends. Is it so strange the look all the same or is it strange that there are no equally moneyed minorities the world that Meryl Streep and Alex Baldwin inhabit…which is clearly the same world that Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet inhabited or that Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton inhabited, which is the world of Nancy Meyers’ films.

TWO CAREERS WITH ONE STONE

Leap Year opens at number six and romcom whore I may be even I drew the line here. How is this a valid premise? In the 21^st century since when are women obligated to wait for a proposal? This was based off a film from the 40’s and as such should have been done as a period piece because in a modern setting it makes absolutely no fucking sense. Clearly Amy Adams has no idea what to do with the heat produced by Enchanted and like so many other actors will piss it away on bad romantic comedies. And speaking of not knowing what to do with yourself, also here is Matthew Goode. Tall, good-looking, English and keeps making crap rather than taking the place of Hugh Grant. You know him best from deflowering Mandy Moore in Chasing Liberty. That he was Ozymandias in The Watchmen isn’t something you want to brag about, as he was horribly miscast in a movie filled with horrible miscastings. If you want to see a movie about an American girl who falls for a rakish Irishman, rent The Matchmaker with Jaenene Garafalo. It takes a bit to get started but there are worse ways to waste 90 minutes. And her Irishman is actually fucking Irish.

WHO LAST WON AN AWARD FOR NEGRO SAVING?

The Blind Side is down to number seven and if she gets an Oscar nomination for this piece of shit….

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

Up in The Air is down to number eight and also in this is…Young MC! Yes, we “Bust A Move” a scene that, in the words of Homer Simpson “Is funny because it’s true” because you know being the entertainment at corporate gatherings doing his one hit is Young MC’s sad, sad fate now.

NICK AND NORA WAS YOUR LAST CHANCE, KID

Youth in Revolt opens at number nine and while I have to admit being somewhat tempted by the premise, I’m just tired of Michael Cera playing this role again. Granted, you only need look at the film just above this one to see that actors do this all the time. But you want to be George Clooney. You don’t want to be Michael Cera. It’s no accident that his biggest films are Juno and Superbad, where he either wasn’t the lead or was paired with someone who made him look good in comparison (it’s hard to look worse than Jonah Hill).

THAT LATIN PRINCESS MOVIE JUST TOOK ONE GIANT STEP BACK

Finally, The Princess and The Frog closes out the top ten at number ten and this is actually a bit of a disappointment for Disney making only $93M so far after a budget of $105M and the question becomes why? The return of singing (which I personally hate)? The return of hand drawn animation? Or, them coloreds being the lead? I’m gonna blame singing. It literally almost put me to sleep and has been clearly absent from almost every single CGI animated film. More comedy adventure of the frogs and less singing and we have something here. The last hand drawn Disney film with singing to do well was Mulan, which also had a minority lead only it had action and at least one good song. This had no action and not one good song. A better villain wouldn’t hurt either as the bad guy here actually disappears for a while. That’s not good. He should be pursuing them throughout the movie.

THANK ‘EAVEN FOR LEETLE GIRLS…

That groan of agony you heard Saturday night was my mother feeling that while I’m giving her no grandchildren, I was entertaining the children of others. This time they were daughters of the Married NJ Housewife (soon to be the Divorced NJ Housewife, unfortunately). Her oldest daughter was turning 9 and the birthday wish had to do with hotels, room service and American Girl dolls, so they came into the city to visit American Girl, stay in a hotel on Park Avenue and I’m gonna guess some room service came into play. Dinner was at a very kid-friendly place in the West Village called Sweetiepie that I recommended after a quick internet search and questioning the NYC mommies that I know. It got rave reviews, as they apparently will treat the birthday girl like a queen and you get to leave with balloons. I’ve only met her oldest daughter at intervals of years, but apparently they stuck, because I’m mentioned regularly. I guess it helps that I’ve sent presents over the years, like a plush Krypto the Superdog, a plush Comet The Superhorse and either a Batgirl or Wonder Woman Barbie. I can’t remember which. Kids always fondly recall the people who give them stuff and little girls seem to love me until they turn 12, then they start throwing rocks at me. Since my presence was requested by the birthday girl, I made it a point to continue the practice of gift giving with a mini-amp for her guitar. It seems she’d begged forever to take lessons and for Christmas got a Hannah Montana guitar, which, despite the clearly merchandising opportunity is an actual Washburn guitar, not a kid’s toy. It’s one of those legit ¾ models that are made for kids to play. Now the last time I saw her she was four and her baby sister had just been born so there was another little person to account for and you know you cannot buy a gift for one sibling and overlook the other. Seriously, you can’t do it at 9 and 5 and you can’t do it at 29 and 25. In fact, it’s probably worse if you do it at 29 and 25 because then one of them will complain about this going on for the last 20 years. One the last times I’d hung out with Married NJ Housewife she’d mentioned the 5-year-old daughter making a CD singing for her father and of her plans to be singer when she grew up. This is how I arrived at a pink t-shirt with Blondie on it. The evening clearly had a theme. In true kid fashion the shirt seemed to go unnoticed for a while then she abruptly got up, went into the bathroom and put it on, let us see it then took it off again. The oldest daughter loved the amp and we bonded over taking guitar lessons and not practicing. Her guitar teacher was taking her along the basics slowly and I find it odd that the impatience of kids wasn’t understood. My instructor tried to teach me a song on my first lesson because he knew that if people don’t see some result they can appreciate they will get frustrated. “Three Blind Mice” is legitimately a walking-before-you-can-run exercise, but what it is not is interesting to someone who wants to play Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” or Kei$ha’s “Tik Tok”---so we used her Disney Princess netbook she’d also gotten for Christmas and I showed her the tab sites where one day she could use them to play those songs exactly, having brought along my guitar for that purpose (after wiping all the dust off). Also, while major chords are beyond her now, she brightened up when I showed her how heavy metal power chords only require the top two strings especially when you filter it through the distortion on the amp (her younger sister was also a big fan of the crunching noise when means if the singer in her isn’t nurtured she might wind up in a fishnets and a mini-skirt backstage in about 12 years). She also liked it when I showed her how to play the Peter Gunn bass line also just using the top two strings. This is probably when my mother felt a disturbance in the force, the “Where the fuck are my grandchildren!?!” force. And if she felt it then, she must have had a “death of Alderan” moment when I was leaving and the 9-nine-year-old ran out to where I was standing in front of the elevator to hug me and tell me she loved me and I just melted. Pretty much any viable woman within 20 feet of me was in danger of becoming a baby mama at that point. Alas, it faded by morning because then once again I realized that children would mean not thinking of myself first and being forced to share my cheese and toys. Sorry, mom.

ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR ROBIN

1. Avatar/Fox Wknd/$ 68.3 Total/$ 352.1

2. Sherlock Holmes/Warners Wknd/$ 38.4 Total/$ 140.7

3. Alvin & The Chipmunks 2/Fox Wknd/$ 36.6 Total/$ 157.3

4. It’s Complicated/Universal Wknd/$ 18.7 Total/$ 59.1

5. The Blind Side/Warner Wknd/$ 12.7 Total/$ 209.1

6. Up In The Air/Paramount Wknd/$ 11.4 Total/$ 45.0

7. The Princess & The Frog/Disney Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 86.1

8. Did You Hear About The Morgans/Sony Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$ 25.6

9. Nine/Weinstein Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 14.0

10. Invictus/Warner Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 30.8

WAR SMURFS IN SPACE

Avatar is now the fourth highest grossing film in history---so long as you don’t adjust for inflation. There, Gone With The Wind still rules without question and this won’t even break the top ten. But I have to admit I’m surprised. It’s not that Avatar is a bad movie, it’s just that it’s not exceptional. It’s Dances with Wolves in Space and James Cameron has said this himself. It’s yet another movie where a white guy gets assimilated by a native culture, winds up getting the hottest girl (usually the princess) and becoming their hero. Hell, Wes Studi is even here playing the role of “Angry Native Warrior Who Was Supposed To Get The Girl.” Clearly there’s a reason why we’re still doing this type of movie after a hundred years. It still makes money. Still, it would disingenuous to say that 3D had nothing to do with this. 3D and Imax save shitty movies like The Polar Express all the time (though not really, really shitty movies like My Bloody Valentine). I only went the 3D route myself. I wasn’t about to wait around or buy in advance just to see Dances With Wolves In Space (or Ferngully In Space given there’s an environmental angle) bigger, but the funny thing about it is that after awhile it’s all the same. It’s not like Cameron did any cheesey “3D” shots where something onscreen comes out at you, so you pretty much remember it in 2D. It’s very much an immediate experience. It’s fun at the moment, but it’s over almost immediately and in the end is really just a big Pixar film. But I’m not saying it’s bad. It’s very pretty and stuff blows up real nice. I think its success that due to “Oscar Bait” fatigue so people are flocking to see something that’s not trying to impress them with how monumental a piece of filmmaking it is for two solid hours.

HOLY POWERS OF DEDUCTION

Sherlock Holmes is down to number two and if you’ve read Sherlock Holmes like I did and stopped reading Sherlock Holmes because he made you feel like an idiot like I did, you’ll enjoy this. Guy Ritchie was also clearly one of those people who felt dumb reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s detectice, so he’s made a more “action” oriented Sherlock, who isn’t satisfied just solving a riddle, but punching out people while doing so. Basically…it’s Batman. Seriously. It actually opens up with him plotting out how he’s going to beat the crap out of someone based on observed weaknesses, something that Batman regularly does in the comics. Dr. Watson has also been redefined as an asskicker in his own right, thus fulfilling his “Robin” requirements as sidekick. Also, there’s head of police who needs help (Commissioner Gordon) and there’s even a romantic interest who happens to be a jewel thief, providing us with a “Catwoman.” The irony being Sherlock Holmes obviously came first so Batman’s detective aspects come from him and now he returns the favor. But let’s not pretend Robert Downey Jr. is playing anything other than Robert Downey Jr. He didn’t play Tony Stark in Iron Man and he’s not playing Sherlock Holmes here, but this isn’t the real Sherlock Holmes anyway, so who cares? Jude Law as Dr. Watson has the career save of a lifetime. After half-a-dozen failures as a lead, he finally has a hit as one of the most famous sidekicks of all time. He has excellent chemistry with Downey as the “bro-mance” between the two is given a very modern examination, with Holmes openly trying to stop Watson from getting married and moving out of 221 Baker Street (when they aren’t bickering and fighting).

EVERY PASSING DAY MALLRATS RISES HIGHER ON JASON LEE’S RESUME

Alvin & The Chipmunks The Sqeakual is at number three and what’s there left to say about something as offensively non-offensive as this? Everyone involved in this is a whore. There’s just no other word for it. There is zero imagination or creativity present. Just people doing something for a paycheck and going for the lowest common denominator. There was the tiniest bit of inspiration in the original creation of The Chipmunks and even Chipmunk Punk in the 80’s, but not this. And it’s doing so well, there will clearly be a third so everybody keeps a job in this economy.

IT’S QUITE SIMPLE ACTUALLY: END YOUR GODDAMN FILM

It’s Complicated holds at number four and while I’m objectively somewhat interested in it, seeing Nancy Meyers’ name on it tends to kill my enthusiasm, not to mention that near two-hour running time. This is not a two-hour movie, but neither was Something’s Got To Give. She just made it that way because she couldn’t decide how to end it so she gave it three endings. Meyers takes a decent enough concept the rides it until the wheels fall off and all the jokes are gone and I’m afraid of that happening again here.

BUT HOW CAN MISTUH CHARLEY FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF IF HE’S NOT INVOLVED?

The Blind Side holds at number five and I wonder if they cover the fact that it was initially a Black coach who took the boy in and actually enrolled him at the school where he’d discover his new family, or that he had a conscious determination to stay the hell away from anything that would get him locked up. In other words, he saved himself as much as anyone.

YET ANOTHER HOT B&T GIRL I ADORE

Up In The Air holds at number six and also in this is Vera Farmiga who may have just been handed her ticket to the big time, but if you’re like me, you’ve loved her since Touching Evil. Yeah, I know she was in The Departed, but that didn’t give her the heat she’s getting now. And I don’t remember much about Roar other than a young Heath Ledger was in it, but apparently so was she. Here, she plays George Clooney’s female equal in terms of being a detached road warrior, but actually she’s small step above him. It’s hinted at in the beginning, but made clear by the end. And yes, I knew that was a body double. She’s clearly packing some baby weight which looks good to me, but that toned 20-something wearing nothing but a tie was so utterly different from her soft curves I don’t even know why they bothered.

GOD’S IN HER HEAVEN AND ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD

The Princess and The Fog holds at number seven and is it a surprise to anyone that Oprah does one of the voices here? As if you could have Disney’s first Black princess without her. A bolt of lightning would have stuck Disney headquarters. And by “bolt of lightning” I mean she would have sicced a nation of housewives on them.

DRECK & THE CITY

Did You Hear About The Morgans is down to number eight and it’s rare a movie just looks so much like ass. Seriously. From the title on down, this looks like crap, which really disappoints me because I’ve been waiting to see them back together for over a decade now. See, back when Hugh Grant had his Four Weddings & A Funeral heat he made a lot of bad movies (Mickey Blue Eyes, The Englishman Who Went Up A Hill, Nine Months, etc) but the law of averages allowed at least one or two decent ones and one was a thriller called Extreme Measures with Gene Hackman. Grant played the typical “Young Doctor Who Cares” who stumbles onto Gene Hackman using homeless people for medicial experiments, though not for money but for actual cures. The old “does the ends justify the means” debate. Sarah Jessica Parker plays a nurse he enjoys a flirtation with and they had great chemistry. Too bad this was the best reunion they could find. Still, I’m trying to be optimistic given this is from the guy who gave us Two Weeks Notice, which was surprisingly good and Music & Lyrics was more a failure of casting, using Drew Barrymore when Hugh Grant is one of those guys who really does need an actress his own age. I’ll still probably see it, ‘cause I’m a romcom whore.

ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT OSCAR GOLD

Nine is a nine and I’ll give you a moment to enjoy the irony of that. Done? Okay. This is another on the “to see” list despite the poor reviews. It just looks like fun spectacle, and I really don’t expect much when I see Kate Hudson and Fergie are cast. Not to mention you’ve got Daniel Day Lewis, and five other Oscar winners on the other side (Nicole Kidman, Sofia Loren, Penelope Cruz, Judi Dench and Marion Cotillard). Though I’m sure the Tony-winning stars of the play are somewhere laughing their asses off at its failure.

THE END

Finally, closing out the top ten is Invictus.

YOU CAN GO HOME AGAIN…IF YOU DRIVE

There’s been no top ten for the last few weeks due to the holidays. This year I actually drove home because I refused to grab my ankles for the airlines (and there’s the little matter of the TV and Blu-ray player I just bought). Seriously, renting a full-sized car to drive to Georgia is like $44 before tax and gas as opposed to a ticket which would have cost me near $300. Also, I did a ride share to split the costs and driving duties. I used Craig’s List and before you get crazy on me, for whatever reasons, the only people who responded to me were either women or gay men, so I felt pretty safe. Though I did get my first taste of racism in years. One woman who’d agreed to come along oddly sent a picture of herself, but after she saw a picture of me on Facebook, she then put her own ad up and bailed on me. The really dumb thing about that was when she placed her own ad, she put a photo of herself and she was blonde and attractive. Gee, that’s not going to attract a serial killer. In any case, I wound up with two people which was fine. My only real problem was having to go out to LaGuardia to pick up the car at 7:00 am because if I changed the time I’d lose the $44 rate. I used Enterprise and because I’d always ignored their commercials I had no idea you got to pick your own car! Here I am expecting some mom & dad sedan, but when I got there was told to just pick out whatever I wanted from the “full size” section. The first thing I saw was a Dodge Charger so I was going to muscle car all the way home! One person didn’t have a ride into the city because she had a lot of luggage and since I was out there I just picked her up. She lived in Brooklyn, giving me a crash course in NYC driving in frigging morning rush hour two days after a snowstorm. What you don’t know about me is that I have a history of damaging cars. I damaged five cars before I left home and have done damage to one or two others when I go home to visit. There’s a reason I love living in the city and not needing a car is part of it. I’m a danger to myself and others. The girl was nice enough but clearly didn’t understand the blessed beauty of silence. We’re just riding together. We don’t have to become best friends. This isn’t a movie (needless to say, I didn’t find her attractive enough to tolerate it). The other person was a kid gong to my alma mater, NYU and we picked him up from his apartment in the Village. He’s in Tisch so he’s an actor/singer, going by the name of Cameron something or the other when his real name is something like “John Smith.” We made brief conversation about NYU where I assured him that snobby rich kids who couldn’t get into Ivy League schools, a lack of community and suicides were always part of the New York University experience. I was rewarded with “Wow, it was like that even back then.” Ouch. But at 22, he was literally young enough to be my son. He’d done the route before so he recommended we take 81 down rather than 95, which ran through the cities. It was a good call. Though technically longer, it was the same time if not less because we missed all the traffic of heading through places like DC. But we barely made it through The Holland Tunnel without an accident. Because of all the snow melting, when the car in front of me made a sudden stop I began hydroplaning directly at them. Fortunately, that was the only incident over the next 15 hours. I mean if you don’t count me trying not to fall asleep the first two hours, when they had mercifully fallen asleep sparing me conversation, but also stimulation. Ultimately, I decided to get a little shuteye, but was dismayed to look up and see her texting while she drove with a heavy foot. Fast and distracted was a not a good combination. For better or worse, she tired after barely two hours so I took over again. He’d been up all night and preferred not to and that’s not someone you want behind the wheel either. I wound up doing 9 of the 15 hours we were on the road. It was better that way considering when we finally had him drive, I woke to the car swerving because he too was texting. Sigh. Originally, they were just supposed to find their way from the airport where I returned the car, but it didn’t make any sense when I could drop them off. Plus, it gave me a chance to be alone in the car for the last half hour and I needed it. I’m glad I did it, but I’m not looking forward to repeating the experience any time soon. And if I do, I’ll make sure to get enough sleep so I can do it alone. Seriously. I’m not going to Facebook friend you, girl, so stop texting me about it. Nor do I have any interest in you singing on YouTube. You’re fucking 30. No one over the age 25 should be acting like that.

LET’S DO IT AGAIN IN ANOTHER 20 YEARS!

Speaking of Facebook, I don’t use my real name and don’t even show my face in my profile picture because I’m not looking to renew old friendships. If we were friends, we’d be talking now. Hell, I don’t talk to people who actually were my friends in high school and college, much less you muthfuckas I couldn’t stand. But not everyone feels the same and some are more industrious than others, which is how The Girl Next Door tracked me down on Facebook. Yes, I did have a beautiful girl living next door just like you’re supposed to in suburbia, but given my geek status you know there was never anything to it. Unlike my freaking sisters, she managed to use my email address and find me, so I had to give her an “A” for effort. She came over to visit while I was home and we did some catching up. She was twice divorced with two teenaged sons and time had been very, very good to her (she’s got curves now that she never had before). Fortunately, she’d been apart from the high school thing in her own way as much as I was, so even though she did attend some regular cookout reunions they did, she didn’t try too hard to rope me back into it. Not to mention, having people from the past annoy her (i.e. try to tap that like they wanted to in high school) she was more than understanding about my desire not to look back…even though she’s trying to get me to go to our first official reunion (my class typically fucked up the 20 year reunion). It ain’t gonna work, sweetie.

AND THIS HOW VIDEOGAMES STOPPED THE NEXT GENERATION

Also while home I finally, finally found out what everyone sees in the Wii. Now, I’m more of race, fight and blow shit up type of video gamer, but simulating the motions to box or bowl or play tennis is addicting…not to mention exhausting. My ass hurt for the next few days after bowling and the boxing looked like it was going to give my dad a stroke. He didn’t do much better with the Karaoke Revolution. He’s as tone deaf as anyone on the planet. Let all those myths about Black people being natural singers die now. Unlike most, I know my limits and stuck to a non-singing song, Modern English’s “I’ll Melt With You.” But do you know what’s surprisingly difficult? Rod fucking Stewart. He makes that raspy singing thing look easy, but you try to do it in key the way he does and see how far you get. As usual, some aunts and cousins and their kids came over Christmas and it turned in to a big thing with everyone around the Wii. Well, almost everyone. My cousin’s youngest son is now mobile and wanted to explore everything, so while his mom and dad karaoke, I spent the next few hours re-exploring every crevice of my home along with him trying to keep him out of trouble. It’s amazing how a year-old child can wear you down though he’s really not doing much of anything. It’s all the focus you have to give them that’s exhausting. Grandchildren are seriously becoming less and less likely and I get older and need to nap more and more. Sorry, mom.

IKEA IS NOT SWEDISH FOR K-MART

Because when it rains, it pours, my beloved DKNY Duvet ripped just when I’m tapped out now after the holidays. I sewed it up, but it looked like crap and I just can’t live that, but I can’t get the type of replacement I want right now (nothing less than a 500 thread count). This is what sent me out to Ikea on a butt-fucking cold Sunday morning to get one cheap. As you may or may not know we now have an Ikea in Brooklyn in Red Hook, so no more hauling out to Jersey. You can catch the train to at least two locations then catch the shuttle bus to Ikea. I opted for the Borough Hall stop, but thanks to wonderful track work I missed the 11:00 am bus and had to wait in the arctic air for the next one at 11:20---which had no heat! I was suddenly questioning how much I disliked my wounded DKNY at that point to put myself through that. Because I was freezing I decided to just do the walkthrough to warm up, rather than just heading to the Bedding section to get what I wanted. Ikea is dangerous that way because you’ll see cheap shit and then try to convince yourself you need it, like the $7 end table I saw. I need something, but not an end table and it took awhile to talk myself out of it. But what the fuck is up with these people going against the goddamned arrows! Can’t you see you’re going against traffic, you fucking moron!?! And dudes, I know you don’t want to be out shopping for your own home with the wife, but you don’t have to move your baskets aimlessly like boats cut adrift, bumping into everything. Once I found the cheap duvets, I called in The Council (my sisters, both the ones my parents gave me and the ones I made myself) to help me pick a color because they know what my bedroom looks like. Other people do too, but they aren’t talking to me any longer. Now, the ones in my budget that weren’t hideous only came in Black, White and Red. My room and sheets are red, so that might be too much, while White will look nice and clean, but will actually get dirty in a second. Black on the other hand makes you look like you’re a pimp or a vampire or both. The votes were for Black and I agreed, so feel free to visit me, the vampire pimp. Besides, it’s only temporary. Of course, I had to pick up a few other knick-knacks because like I said, Ikea is dangerous that way. But the important thing is I didn’t buy that goddamn end table.

FLAVA OF SHAMELESSNESS

VH1 quickly overcame its feelings about exploiting stupid people and have returned with two reality shows: one, another dating show spawned from Flava of Love by way of I Love New York in Frank the Entertainer in A Basement Affair, and Secrets of Aspen. Now, I never watched Flava of Love or I Love New York, but I at least gave this a look because the idea of being a grown man living at home may still be a possibility for me given how my office keeps laying people off. It’s more of the shameless attention whore parade that’s been going on for years. The willingness to be a fool or delusion to think you’ll be the one who won’t look like a fool continues unabated. But Frank’s family must have been pretty well off to have a house that freaking big in the New York City area. Is it really New York or fucking Long Island? Secrets of Aspen might as well be called “Real Housewives of Aspen” because it’s about a bunch of shameless broads (all of whom seem to have implants) who talk shit about each other’s backs. And like those shows, these aren’t the true wealthy since I sincerely doubt the really rich would be caught dead on TV, much less showing their asses like this.

ALL IS QUIET OF NEW YEAR’S DAY

Finally, it’s a new year and I ended the last one the way I did the previous year: in the company of lesbians. Yes, once again I was with my Jezebel crew in Brooklyn. If you remember last year, I actually mistook someone who was interested in me for a lesbian, bcause they so ruled the day, but this year, the party has taken some root and the straight girls were bringing their own men. It was at least 30-40% straight male which is very impressive. Now aside from my social fuck up last year, what truly bothered me was how I was dressed. Maybe more. The girls had clearly put some work into how they looked with dresses and heels, while I was one of the guys I always mock on a Saturday night: in jeans and a fucking t-shirt standing next to a woman in designer wear. Not this time. So I got up that morning to do some shopping. I surrendered my ego and moved up a pants size and was fortunate enough to find some Nautica dress pants on-sale for $25---marked down from $125. I’d have bought a few pairs, but I remain squarely in the “average range” so my size was just about gone. I also picked up a new white shirt to fit my cheese-expansion neck (Calvin Klein, bitches), a new tie (Nicole Miller) and a nice argyle sweater vest that actually fits considering my dad refuses to believe I’m a medium build and not large (Old Navy, muthafuckas). By the end I looked like I teach poetry at a women’s college in New England or an extra in Brideshead Revisited. And due to the fact that a) the other dudes dressed like normal dudes, meaning they didn’t dress at all and b) the guy who works for Ralph Lauren didn’t make it this year, I was the best-dressed man in the room. A room filled with lesbians. Even my crush from last year brought her own date, which is understandable given how I utterly disappointed her as a man, but I was dressed better than him too and he grew up in England, so he should know better. I brought along Chasing Amy this year (she actually showed up this time) and she in turn brought along a friend who is an Eastern European blonde woman suffering from a severe case of jungle fever and as the night progressed and she got more and more intoxicated informed me that I was “too American” and I needed to be “more African” and seize control of the music because “Black people have the best of everything.” I’m surprised she didn’t tell me I also needed to also drop the argyle, put a bone through my nose and let my dick hang out. These people amuse me, but they’re also irritating because like guys with an Asian fetish, it’s not you they’re interested in, but an ultimately degrading fantasy. Luckily, she realized she only did it enough to be amusing (and clearly she wasn’t attractive enough for me to overlook it), at one point trying to get me to go after another pretty blonde girl, so now you know who’s really buying all that interracial porn. It’s not just Tiger Woods and OJ. What’s funny is that the girl in question is yet another online friend and her fiancée is a fan of mine. And to top it off he was also from Alabama, which almost never happens. But by the end of the night, all of them were casualties. Chasing Amy took Jungle Fever home. The pretty blonde was fast asleep and her fiancée apparently moved into the bathroom. The party was starting to resemble a scene from Gone With the Wind with all the fallen. But me, I looked great and was doing fine and stumbled home around 4:00 am.

WHAT IS IT EVERY GIRL IS CRAZY ABOUT AGAIN?

Speaking of my fashion sense, aside from drinking more vodka and less tequila, my only New Year’s Resolution is to dress a little better overall. Not that I look bad, but when people tell you too much that you look good on a particular day what they’re really saying is, “Normally you look like shit” and nice jeans and designer shoes aside, I have let things slide. Not so much nice shirts and sweaters as comfortable henleys and pullovers. Sigh. Cary Grant would slap my face to see how far I’ve fallen. Luckily the only thing I requested from my family for Christmas they provided: a black cardigan. An essential staple of one’s wardrobe. That little piece of clothing can upgrade just about anything and it starts now! Right after this nap.