ONE WEDDING, NO FUNERAL

1. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs Wknd/$ 24.6 Total/$ 60.0

2. Surrogates/Touchstone Wknd/$ 15.0 Total/$ 15.0

3. Fame/MGM Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 10.0

4. The Informant/WB Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 21.0

5. I Can Do Bad All By Myself/Lions Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 44.5

6. Pandorum/ Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 4.4

7. Love Happens/Universal Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 14.7

8. Jennifer’s Body/Fox Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 12.3

9. 9/Focus Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 27.1

10. Inglorious Basterds/Weinstein Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 114.5

BROKE WITH A CHANCE OF CAR REPOSSESSION

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs holds at number one and lets see who here needs a step up, who’s slumming and who needed a paycheck. Well, the Saturday Night Live people clearly are the first. Bill Hader, Andy Samburg and Will Forte are all trying to break out. Neil Patrick Harris, Bruce Campbell and Ana Faris are indulging themselves, while James Caan, Mr. T, Benjamin Bratt and even Lauren Graham needed a paycheck. You know it’s true. That Gilmore Girls money is running out.

TALKING LOUD AND SAYING NOTHING

Surrogates opens at number two and this is another adaptation of a comic book and like so many adaptations of any work they discard the small details that make a piece work because they think an audience is just too stupid to get them. This is one of those “current future” science fiction movies where everything is still the same except for some culture-changing piece of technology, which strangely doesn’t improve anything else. For example: the same tech that gives us home computers gives us computers in our cars and even coffee makers, but in movies like these, one thing never builds on another, which is why robot bodies strangely don’t have radios built into them or computer ports so people still have to use phones or go through paper files or type into computers rather than just plugging into them. Basically everyone lives through robots in the future and then someone starts killing them through the robots. In the comic they just destroyed the robots because the goal was to free humanity from it, but clearly that’s too nice for an action movie so people have to die, and it’s so clear who’s responsible it’s almost insulting in its simplicity. No one acts in and even remotely intelligent manner. Let’s see, the son of the guy who invented the surrogates but then turned against them is murdered and it doesn’t occur to anyone that his former corporation that ousted him might be responsible? The only intelligent idea even represented in the movie is that everyone goes for the same type of generic pretty look. Aided by CGI, they give all the actors a plastic Barbie & Ken appearance. It’s like the entire world became soap opera actors. But while I’m sure everyone would be good looking and young if they could, I’m also sure not every woman would go around in tight dresses and fuck me pumps the way they are here. Even Bruce Willis’ FBI agent partner is dressed that way. This movie isn’t even dumb fun because it takes on the airs of representing an idea (evils of technology) when in reality it doesn’t have a clue.

YOU WANT FAME? WELL FAME COSTS…AND IS USUALLY R-RATED

Fame opens at number three and I really wanted to see this, but my weekend was actually busy and I couldn’t. I mean, I’m all for a good dance movie, but damnit, there was football on! Besides, there’s something wrong about a PG13 Fame when the original was so NYC gritty, still very much a product of the 70’s though released in 1980. Remember Ralph Garcie going through a part of The Bronx that looked like Beirut on a bad day? You think that’s here? Unlikely, but I will try to see it if for no other reason, Bebe Neuwirth as the dance instructor and Kelsey Grammar as the music teacher. Yes! A Fraiser reunion!

SMART ENOUGH TO HIRE ACTUAL MOVIE STARS

The Informant is down to number four and I’m somewhat impressed by the success of a comedy that seems to take a brain to appreciate after two years of seeing Seth Rogen’s fucking face everywhere I turned. But I still won’t see it.

IT’LL NEVER BE 1986 AGAIN, I’M AFRAID

Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself is down to number five, followed by Pandorum opening at number six and while I do loves me some science fiction, especially when it’s got space ships, I don’t do the scary and putting your scary in space will not get me to compromise myself. Besides, this looks like space zombies loose on a ship and that just looks dumb. And poor Dennis Quaid. The roles he’s taking these days. First G.I. Joe and now this. Wasn’t he having the mother of all comebacks a few years ago? I guess when you decide to pursue fatherhood again at 50 and get twins you can’t be choosey about the roles you take, ‘cause you’ve got twice the normal expense and half the energy.

AHHHH, YOU’RE MY BEST FRIEND

Love Happens is down to number seven and in this as “the best friend” is none other than Judy Greer. This makes Anniston the third Jennifer she’s performed this duty for, the other two being Jennifer Lopez (The Wedding Planner) and Jennifer Garner (13 Going On 30). Not to mention Katherine Heigl (27 Dresses) and David Duchovny (The TV Set). Hang tough, Judy. There’s a great indie film coming your way, I just know it. You’ll be the star and briefly get all the attention you deserve…before pissing it away in bad mainstream romcoms for the quick cash.

JENNIFER’S PROFITS

Jennifer’s Body is down to number eight and while there’s been much schadenfreude over the failure of this Megan Fox vehicle, it only cost $16M and has made $12M, so it’s hardly the disaster even writer and producer Diablo Cody is making it out to be. In fact, if she truly feels that way, I’ll take her points from DVD sales.

THE END

9 is down to…yes, nine, followed by Inglorious Basterds closing out the top ten at ten.

MY BEDROOM COMPANION RETURNS

The new fall season has started and while it’s no longer the event it used to be when there’d be special shows by the networks to announce their new seasons, it still retains some allure for me and I try to give most shows a shot…Cougar Town shocked the hell out of me by being as raunchy and as funny as it was, but coming from the guy who brought us Scrubs I shouldn’t have been too surprised. Courtney Cox plays it a little too broad at times and there were a couple of needless speeches about how difficult it is being a 40-year-old single woman (I’m pretty sure it isn’t when you look like Courtney Cox), but the jokes are quick, smart and more often than not, dirty…smarter and funnier still is Modern Family and it reminds me a great deal of Significant Others which was an amazing show on Bravo that never got a chance. This is firing on all cylinders, but what got me was the mom who’s concerned that her daughter will be the wild child she was and every other joke was some account of a past debauchery, my favorite being “One moment you’re watching Falcon Crest and the next you’re under the air hockey table with your bra in your pocket.” Big points for using Falcon Crest…Community peaked with the joke “How’d I know you’d be cool? I mean you look like Elizabeth Shue” but ruins it by having the guy go soft in the end. Why does everyone need to be nice?...I’m a geek, so I have to give my science fiction a try and that was Flash Forward, which has the interesting premise of everyone in the world being unconscious for two minutes and seeing a vision six months into the future. There’s a nice scene of the damage that can occur in those two minutes, but it’s downhill from there, starting with the lead character (Ralph Fiennes) who’s an FBI agent. He sees himself working on the case in six months and the clues he’ll have by then. That’s great, but unless he’s the only one in the world who’s still working on it, which is highly fucking unlikely, then hundreds of government agents and officials and scientists all over the world should have had similar visions of what they’d learned about the “event.” The dumbness continues on from there and how they think this can be an open-ended series is ridiculous. It’s very much a finite story. You figure out the mystery, the end. And how long can you drag that out? You only have six months of time to pass onscreen...I accidentally watched a little of Vampire Diaries and one character briefly conveyed the huge problem with all these teen vampires: if you’re a teen vampire that means you were a teenager who was killed by a vampire, so you’re going to be a teenager forever and probably already are hundreds of years old. So why do you want to hang out at a high school? That mistake won’t happen again....Eastwick is actually the second TV show based on the movie The Witches of Eastwick and it makes that movie look like subtle art in comparison. Lindsay Price continues to develop her reputation as the kiss of death for a show…The Good Wife had two seconds of my time before I realized it was just another lawyer drama, pretty much wasting an otherwise interesting premise…NCIS LA is pretty much NCIS with a beach and a younger leading man, but I don’t think Chris O’Donnell is even remotely a match for Mark Harmon. I guess that’s why they needed another alpha male and partnered him with LL Cool J, while Mark Harmon is surrounded with beta males and the clear star…and I’m avoiding all new medical dramas like the plague. I mean I dropped both Gray’s Anatomy and Private Practice last year, so I’ve clearly had my fill, but thanks for killing off George, the only character I even remotely gave a crap about. You’ve insured I’ll never look back.

IF I ONLY COULD I’D MAKE A DEAL WITH GOD AND I’D GET HIM TO SWAP OUR PLACES…

So Chasing Amy and I have been fighting since June. Well, I’ve been mad at her and she just shrugs and goes back to what she was doing. We have an odd dynamic as I wind up playing the traditional sensitive woman’s role, while she’s the clueless uncaring male (in her own words, “You bring out the man in me more than anyone”). We even play the game of me refusing to tell her why I’m pissed and her not figuring it out which only pisses me off further. Well, Friday was peace offering of sorts when she invited me to see Phoenix in Central Park. I knew of them but had never really listened to them, but suffice it to say they’re like a French version of Rooney. This pretty much meant we were two of the oldest people there. As she gleefully pointed out, our combined age is almost 80. One way you could tell how old we were is that we weren’t texting or talking, but listening to the music. Just why the fuck are you bothering to go out a concert when you’re going to treat the band like it’s a radio at a party!?! And who the hell are these people bringing kids!?! As time passed the weak fell to the side and went home, leaving only the real fans and you could actually feel the energy rise to the point where it peaked during the encore. And while I’m not one for stereotypes, if you were to conclude from the activity that night, that without specific training, White people were incapable of dancing, only jumping up and down like they’re engaged in some sort aerobic activity, you’d be somewhat justified. I finally realized who the audience was for these movies where the best dancer around is some White kid. It’s wish fulfillment. Afterwards we walked down to the Apple store where I saw Lloyd from “entourage.” Normally, this would have been the beginning of drinking, but I had a wedding to attend the next day and honestly I’m still a little pissed, but I’m told the proper way to handle this is to just let it go for now then bring it up further down the road. Seems I still have a lot to learn about being a woman.

GIRL, I HEARD YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED

My Surrogate Sister has gotten married. It was her wedding which cut into my movie viewing time and prevented me from getting drunk on Friday night, because I had to get up the next day and go up to friggin’ Poughkeepsie. Because I’m me, I didn’t reserve a hotel room until a week beforehand, even though we’d gotten an email six months ago telling us all the rooms in town were being filled up. I managed to get a Days Inn nearby the hotel where everyone else was staying and using my AMEX points it only cost me about $50, which is good because I needed a new suit. Seems I’m too fat for my old ones and the one my dad got me for the wedding earlier this year was just too fucking big (like all the clothes my parents buy for me) and I refused to look bad for this. Thank goodness for Syms who just happened to be having a sale. Got a nice enough (Oleg Cassini) Dark Navy Blue suit for $99---well I thought it was Dark Navy Blue. Turns out it was Black after all and even though I was tempted to go with a pink shirt because it was a wedding, I felt that was vaguely “pimpish” and decided to go a little more elegant and wear a silver tie against a white shirt. It’d be amazing if I didn’t look like a little boy playing dress up in daddy’s suit. Not to mention spark plugish. Because I was in the cheap hotel, I couldn’t check in until 3:00, so I took a 1:45 Amtrek up that got in at 3:08 (wedding at 6:00). It was perfect. The ride was more expensive than Metro North, but much nicer and I slept most of the way. I then hopped in a cab, went to the hotel, changed, took another cab to the main hotel (through glorious downtown Poughkeepsie) where we were to catch the shuttle bus over to the winery where the wedding and reception were being held. At the hotel I met the couple who were pretty much going to be my companions for the night: Not Reese Witherspoon and her fiancée. Now, I’ve known Not Reese Witherspoon (she looks like Reese Witherspoon though with a less pointy chin and she hates being told she looks like Reese Witherspoon) for years through Surrogate Sister and while very sweet, she’s a little wacky. I realized this when five minutes after meeting her she was trying to give me a lapdance. Sadly, she’s utterly devoid of rhythm, though very enthusiastic. She’d been married to the brother of Surrogate Sister’s then boyfriend, but after that marriage failed they’d stayed close and apparently she instantly transferred those feelings to me, as I can count the number of times we’ve seen each other but her reaction when we do is like we’ve been friends since childhood. Let me put it this way: at one point I wanted them to take a picture of me in the suit and she replied, “Alone or with me?” I had to beat down the demon inside me to not to reply, “Alone.” I’m getting soft in my old age. The shuttle buses from the hotel to the wedding were actually yellow school buses, which led to the type of high school reference jokes, you can imagine. And since when did they get seat belts!?! These kids today are coddled! The wedding was on the top of a hill, which was beautiful, but a chilly, though thankfully they seemed to realize this and despite their dual Catholicism, we were not subjected to mass and the ceremony was brief. Soon, we were back down the hill and at the bar, I mean the reception. Aw, who we kidding? Free food and drinks are the reason most of us go to weddings. And half her family is Irish, so you know what time it was. I don’t get emotional at weddings and really don’t understand why people do given it’s so utterly planned out, you know what’s coming, so how can it get to you? But I must confess when her dad started talking about the picture he has on his mantle of her in a dress at 2-years-old standing under a table, he almost got to me…but thankfully I wasn’t that drunk. Surrogate Sister had asked me to help her with her music choices and while I don’t remember what of my choices she used, I do know I don’t understand why a DJ needed a live drummer and trumpet accompaniment. I think they managed to sell a million records without you, Tito, so knock off the fucking snare. Not Reese Witherspoon’s fiancée pushed off his dancing duties onto me and like I said, she has no rhythm, but is very enthusiastic. I’m thinking he was more than aware of this when decided to stay with his drink. At one point I wound up dancing with her and the woman who was legend to me through Surrogate Sister: her friend the lawyer whose real name is actually Sue Yu. No, I’m not kidding. She was very pretty and a fun drunk. Likewise was her sister, whose demeanor suggested she’d kept the company of the bruthas on more than one occasion and she confirmed this. It was pretty much a drama free event, with the biggest issue being her father blurting out to one of her friends, “You know, you’re not the nightmare everyone says you are.” In fact the only fireworks were real ones. Yes, fireworks, climaxing in a big fiery heart. Top that. After the reception we headed back to the hotel, again on the buses now filled with drunks, but smart drunks as the topic of conversation was both “Which Historical Figure Would You Like to Punch” and “Which Historical Figure Would You Like To Sleep With” to which one guy replied “Harriet Tubman. I got your underground railroad right here.” Best. Answer. Ever. We hung out in the lobby for a bit before starting to drift off one by one to bed. I went back to my hotel for the night, though returned in the morning for the brunch buffet and to hopefully catch a ride back to the city with Not Reese Witherspoon, only she never showed and I had the Yu sisters drop me off at the train because I had football to get home to. Surrogate Sister is now in Mexico for the next two weeks and hopefully I’ll have her wedding present by then. Yeah, I forgot to get one. Hey, she’s lucky I remembered to show up.

WILL PUT OUT FOR SHOES

1. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs Wknd/$ 30.1 Total/$ 30.1

2. The Informant/WB Wknd/$ 10.5 Total/$ 10.5

3. I Can Do Bad All By Myself/Lions Wknd/$ 10.1 Total/$ 37.9

4. Love Happens/Universal Wknd/$ 8.5 Total/$ 8.5

5. Jennifer’s Body/Fox Wknd/$ 6.8 Total/$ 6.8

6. 9/Focus Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 22.8

7. Inglorious Basterds/Weinstein Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 110.0

8. All About Steve/Fox Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 26.7

9. Sorority Row/Summit Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 8.9

10. The Final Destination 3D/WB Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 62.4

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF TEQUILA!

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs opens not too surprisingly at number one when you consider it had a following as a book and for every kid half-price ticket there’s a full adult ticket. Despite my love of food, I had no interest in this. Maybe if they’d called it Cloudy With A Chance of Bacon or Cheese.

AT LEAST WITH NO BERNIE MAC THE OCEAN’S FRANCHISE IS DEAD

The Informant opens at number two and Steven Soderbergh has just exhausted so much good will with me I can’t get excited about his work any longer. I maintain it’s like a part of him just died when Out of Sight failed. After that he started making movies with Julia Roberts. Even his art films are lacking a certain spark. Maybe the Liberace movie he has planned will finally bring him back.

APPARENTLY THERE WAS STILL ROOM FOR MORE BAD DRAMA

I Can Do Bad All By Myself is down to number three and also in this are Gladys Knight and Mary J. Blige and for the first time I’m glad a singer took away a job from an actual actor because I’d hate to see someone I respected for their work doing this crap. I’m still trying to get over Angela Bassett sinking to this crap.

CAN YOU REALLY MAKE A CAREER OUT OF PEOPLE FEELING SORRY FOR YOU?

Love Happens opens at number four and have you ever seen a movie made to look more boring and lifeless? How the hell did this Lifetime Movie escape into the theaters of America and being cast without Heather Locklear and Jason Priestly (who’d also direct as he does now for Lifetime) like it should have been? Jennifer Anniston needs to make better films because she can only keep her A-list status as the woman wronged by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for so long---and you know I’m right. That’s how big they are, that she has A-list status simply by the virtue of being dicked over by them.

OF COURSE HER NAME IS JENNIFER! SHE’S A DEMON! NOT THAT I’M BITTER.

Jennifer’s Body opens up at number five and if you can leave your Diablo Cody and Megan Fox hate at the door, this isn’t a bad movie. Unfortunately, without the two of them it’s not so good it would have been made otherwise. The script seriously needed another pass or two because it has some good ideas, but there’s a saying in music how you have your whole life to write your first album, but only a year to write your second. Clearly Diablo Cody moved quickly to act on her Juno success and was given a greenlight for a script that might not have been made otherwise. And it’s on her because she’s also an executive producer here. Like a good horror or science fiction film the movie is ultimately a metaphor. In this case about the toxic friendship between two girls when one literally becomes a man-eater after an emo band tries to sacrifice her to the devil for success, which is one of the film best jokes and more should have been made of it (though them singing “867-5309” while they do it was both twisted and inspired). Also not explored is whether or not Jennifer is truly enjoying the demon in her soul or is merely a vessel for it. A more developed film would have given her more culpability in the situation even though it was forced on her. It would then have made more sense when here best friend makes no attempt to try and exorcise the demon to save her friend but just jumps to killing her. That might have been a sly commentary on their friendship, but I doubt it. Amanda Seyfried is Megan Fox’s best friend and that her character’s nickname is “Needy” says it all, though she’s the one with the nice, loving boyfriend. This film made me think of the movie Teeth which also mixed horror with comedy and a touch of social satire but also needed a little work. They even have similar endings. In a perfect world, Diablo Cody would have rewritten that script and applied this to it, where the demon who possesses Megan Fox gave her a vagina with teeth. I think if Diablo Cody had spent as much time on depth as she did on the cute “teenspeak” she loves so much it would have been a much better film.

KLYTUS, I’M BORED…

9 is down to number six and the voices are Elijah Wood, Jennifer Connelly, Martin Landau, John C. Reilly and Crispin Glover and yes, Crispin Glover plays the crazy role. Shocking, I know. But what really is shocking is the cranky old guy isn’t played by Martin Landau. Unlike most animated films, this isn’t a desperate bid for a paycheck. This is odd science fiction so it’s a genre film and almost everyone on this list has a fan base at a geek convention for past work. Though you never see his face, I’ve always loved the way Christopher Plummer played Klytus in that horrible Flash Gordon remake. Even in bad movie you can still put two good actors together like Max Van Sydow and Plummer and get something fun and they did. But how has Martin Landau gone his entire career without playing a Vulcan once?

DON’T WORRY, YOU’LL BE BACK ON A SITCOM SOON AT THIS RATE

Inglorious Bastards is down to number seven, followed by All About Steve at eight and what the hell is Thomas Hayden Church doing? He got critical respect (and an Oscar nomination) for Sideways, which led to a big budget payday in Spider-Man 3 and now…this? And right after that lame Eddie Murphy movie? Not to mention the trying-too-hard-to-be-indie Smart People. That cold feeling is your heat slipping away. But this isn’t the first time, is it? You left Wings to go and do Ned & Stacey, which I loved but then tanked after a season, while Wings seemed to run for-freaking-ever. Not that anyone remembers you were on it since Tony Shaloub completely eclipsed you when he filled your slot. People barely remember the show to begin with.

AREN’T YOU A LITTLE PRETTY FOR A WRITER?

Sorority Row is down to number nine and also in this is are Rumer Willis and Robert Belushi, continuing the Hollywood tradition of star spawn cutting their teeth in low-budget horror. Ironically enough, Carrie Fisher is also in this and technically she’s second-generation Hollywood, as the daughter of Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher. It’s clearly some sort of joke or favor to a friend, as she’s got a very successful writing career. Though now she’s oddly complaining online that someone made a comment about how she used to be hot but now looks like Elton John (which is cruel but funny). Why she’d even bother to respond is beyond me. As we say in the south, “Don’t wrestle with the pig. He likes it and all you get is dirty.” She’s elevated that bozo by responding to his dig. And to be brutally honest, if you’re an actor, being judged harshly for your looks is simply part of the gig. If she were a writer, no one would care because they’re expected to look like crap. You’d think Debbie would have warned her about all this.

SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE WON’T HURT, BUT IF YOU’RE TALENTLESS IT WON’T HELP MUCH EITHER

Finally, closing out the top ten is The Final Destination 3-D and no celeb kids are in this that I know of. In fact, the only person of even remote fame is Krista Allen, best known for boning George Clooney and making soft core porn. That’s in order of relevance, because the former led to a real job on the HBO series, Unscripted.

RETURN OF THE KING

Behind the Music is back! One of my all-time favorite shows. What’s funny is that no on remembers that when it started with Andy Gibb and Shania Twain it was kinda raw in its honesty. Everyone talked and there wasn’t as much polish on their stories. But by the time it got to Madonna it was just another promotional tool. Her BTM didn’t even mention her longtime manager, her co-writer of the last 20 years or the producer/boyfriend who first helped make her a star. Lil Wayne, however, couldn’t give a shit and was honest to the point of the joint in his hand and his clear cough-syrup addiction. Pink’s was pretty honest because that’s who she is, but I’m annoyed at little details about how her first single actually tanked initially, then came back to succeed almost a year later, but that’s just me and because I hated it and hated its return. But I won’t truly be happy until they do Cameo. Come on! They went from a 70’s funk band with a hundred members to essentially a trio until Larry Blackmon dissolved in a coke addiction that resulted in him having to auction off the rights to all his songs. Yes, you could have bought “Candy” and “Word” up in the late 90’s.

IT’S D-I-V-A, NOT L-A-M-E

Sadly, VH1 also brought back Divas but almost without anyone worth seeing. It wasn’t so much bad as it was just lame. Jennifer Hudson hasn’t recorded anything worth hearing twice. Neither has Jordin Sparks. Leona Lewis is as corporate soulless as it gets and don’t get me started on Miley Cyrus. When she’s older she’s going to look back and wonder who the hell let her do this she sucks so badly. Kelly Clarkson has a personality and some hits, but the only saving grace of the show was Adele. It doesn’t get much better than her duet with India Arie. If she did a duet of “Chasing Pavements” with Annie Lennox I might just die from the sheer beauty and greatness of it. That was great and revealed the utter shallowness of the rest of the show in comparison. All that was left was the sheer camp entertainment of the trainwreck that is Paula Abdul. I love how she made the producers include a greatest hits melody of her stuff, because calling Miley Cyrus a diva clearly left them no leg to stand on in that regard. Also her little “Ellen” dance was pretty good. It’s been so long I’d almost forgotten that’s her real job. But bringing Liza Minnelli onstage was like bringing her crazy bonfire to the heart of the sun. That’s a reality show. The two of them hanging out.

WILL FUCK FOR CLOTHING

It took some time but I finally realized the reason Richard Gere was a whore in American Gigolo was to pay for his wardrobe, not the other way around. To have all the shoes and coats I want when I want them would require a lot of money and I am willing to put out for it. The beautiful tan butter-soft leather trench coat I found for $300 convinced me of that. It was regularly $1,200, so I guess THAT’S WHY THERE WERE NONE LEFT IN MY SIZE! Not that I would have gotten it. I really can’t rationalize a $300 leather trench coat unless I’ve become the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all chicks or starting a band. I mean, I turned off all my premium cable channels to save money, for goodness sake. But to console myself I took my little 20% off Macy’s coupon and bought some leather Jack Purcell Converse. Canvas is nice, but I realized in the rain last week they have serious limitations. And it’s getting colder too. And they look just like the Calvin Klein sneakers I’ve been jonesing over for the last few months, so that’s multiple itches scratched. Shame there was nothing I liked at Kenneth Cole during their 30% off sale. But there were new styles and colors of boxer briefs at Uniqlo and they were having a “2 for $7” sale. Yeah, I don’t understand it either, but I got four and it sucks being such an average size because all the best stuff is gone instantly in a sale. Luckily, their sizes run small, so a large fits just fine and I’m not so egocentric I wouldn’t wear them like all the other men around men who simply refused (don’t kid yourself that men wouldn’t turn down something they like if it meant admitting to a larger size). My junk needs to be comfortable. And know that September is almost over and I have yet to buy a another pair of jeans, so there!

I CAN HAVE NO TASTE ALL BY MYSELF

1. I Can Do Bad All By Myself Wknd/$ 24.0 Total/$ 24.0

2. 9/Focus Wknd/$ 10.9 Total/$ 14.3

3. Inglorious Basterds/Weinstein Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 104.3

4. All About Steve/Fox Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 21.8

5. The Final Destination 3D/WB Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 58.2

6. Sorority Row/Summit Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 5.3

7. Whiteout/Warner Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 5.1

8. District 9/TriStar Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 108.5

9. Julie & Julia/Sony Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 85.4

10.Gamer/LGF Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 16.1

BECAUSE “SUCK” KNOWS NO COLOR

I Can Do Bad All By Myself opens at number one and I’ll say it again: we all have sections of our groups that seem to exist solely to embarrass us. WASPs have the people making sure Larry The Cable Guy doesn’t make his living actually working for the cable company. Black people have Tyler Perry someone becoming of a media mogul by churning out this “playing to the guy eating the sandwich he brought in” tripe. Yes, yes, I know. It’s hypocritical to diss something you haven’t seen, but there are exceptions to the rule. Uwe Boll movies are one, Tyler Perry movies are another. And pity the poor Black actors who find themselves at his door because they can’t find work elsewhere or won’t accept playing a crappy role in a better film. Given Taraji P. Henson was Oscar nominated for playing a “benevolent negro” in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, I guess she decided if she’s going to play a crappy role in a crappy film it might as well be the lead.

NOT ABOUT SERIAL KILLERS, FILMMAKERS OR HOT WOMEN

9 opens a number two and this is a big screen adaptation of an Oscar-nominated short film. It’s long on great visuals, but a bit short on story, betraying its origins. It was just never meant to be full length. But the visuals are still worth seeing and help to distract you that not much is actually going on. This is set in a past-post apocalyptic earth. In other words, suppose humanity had been wiped out in 1918. This utilizes a type of science fiction known as “steam punk” which is to say you still have jet packs and robot but they now run on coal and steam, and utilizing only the technology of the time period. In this case, machines have already turned on man and wiped us out using tripods like out of War of the Worlds. All that is of us are nine little artificial beings made out of sackcloth. 9 is the last to awaken and our story begins with him as he goes out to explore the world, meet his counterparts and fight the man-killing machine which is still around and apparently still pissed. The characters are widely drawn, but for a reason, which is pretty obvious though not revealed until the end. 9 is nice, 2 is smart, 5 is loyal, 7 is a brave girl (sorry, but it really doesn’t get deeper than that for her) and 1 is…The Pope. Yeah, The Pope. He hides in the church, cruelly judges and bullies others and wears a little hat and cape. He’s The Pope. Clearly the director was working out some issues he has with his Catholicism.

A MALE VERSION OF ALL ABOUT EVE IS GENIUS COMPARED TO THIS

Inglorious Basterds is down to number three, followed by All About Steve at number four and I cannot believe this horrible movie was ever a good idea on anyone’s part. I suspect it was once a little indie comedy about a woman with Asperger’s Syndrome that they tried to shoehorn into a mainstream comedy and it simply does not work on any level. Unless you diagnose her with something, then she’s just a crazy bitch and not sympathetic in anyway and you understand totally why Steve would give up sex just to get away from her. And apparently they’ve never seen a competent road comedy to think this is one. It is listless, dull, unfocused and most of all unfunny. When your only big laugh is a joke about a dead horse (which turns out not to be dead) you know you’ve got a problem. Talk about two people who have inadvertently pissed away gains made over the summer. Sandra Bullock had the mediocre yet well-performing The Proposal, while Bradley Cooper had the funny and successful The Hangover. In fact, if those two films hadn’t done so well, this probably would have gone direct to video, as its release date was actually pushed back from early this summer to the end of summer, which is never a good sign.

BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS TO WATCH SORORITY GIRLS DIE

The Final Destination is down to number five, followed by Sorority Row opening at number six and do people simply not get the formula for a slasher movie? The overly long trailer for this has a girl faking her death to scare a guy, who goes nuts in his grief and stabs her body, actually killing her and her sorority sisters cover it up, making them a target for revenge later. That makes no sense. Anyone with an IQ above room temperature would have told them, “No, the girls have to cause the death of some outcast girl or a pledge they were trying to humiliate. Then they all deserve to die. It can’t just be something that was arguably not their fault.” But they don’t and here we are at number six on what should have been a sure thing, because who doesn’t want to see some Tri-Delts bite it? And it can’t be anything but annoying for a struggling Asian actress to see this sad-eyed girl who was on a Real World continuously working. At least a musician has some proven charisma. But losing a role to someone from a reality show!?! Ouch.

HOW COLD WAS IT?

Whiteout opens at number seven and this was briefly tempting. A detective story set in an unusual place is a tried and true formula, but ultimately I preferred to sleep in as did most of America and not even that shot in the trailer of her taking a shower was enough to motivate us. I guess if Kate Beckinsale isn’t in skintight rubber shooting werewolves, we just don’t care. Maybe if they’d focused a bit more on the mystery in the trailer and less on the fact that it takes place some place cold. I mean, it’s Antarctica. I get it. Cold bad. How about something about the story?

IT WAS DOWNHILL AFTER WAR GAMES

District 9 is down to number eight, followed by Julie & Julia at number nine and Gamer down to number ten and unless you’ve got the word Tron in the title, I could care less about any movie about a “game” where people kill or die. I didn’t give a shit about The Running Man, didn’t give a shit about Stay Alive and I don’t care about this. I didn’t even need to know that it came from the directors (and I use that term loosely) who gave us Crank 2, which was little more than a videogame, complete with the main character needing “charge ups.” Also, that Gerard Butler got lucky with 300 is becoming more and more apparent with every film that comes out, because he clearly has no taste in scripts. I know it’s easy to take the quick money, dude, but too many movies like this and that’ll stop too and you’ll be back to playing Christian Bale’s best friend who dies like in Reign of Fire.

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER ASHTON KUTCHER MAKES BAD MOVIES TOO

Out of the top ten after just a week is Extract and if you missed this you didn’t miss much. The idea of Mike Judge returning to a workplace comedy seems like a good idea, but that’s all it was. It was a bunch of ideas that never quite gel or go anywhere. In its own way, it meanders as much as All About Steve, though it at least threatens to have purpose. Lots of somewhat interesting characters are set up but ultimately go unfulfilled. Mila Kunis’ job seems pretty much to walk about with her shirt open and Ben Affleck’s is just to wear that awful wig.

STAYCATION’S ALL I EVER WANTED…

You know how you think that if you just had more time you’d accomplish so much? Well, as I approach the last day of my “staycation”---you know that thing where you have days off but no money to go anywhere but the kitchen---I can tell you that you would not. I didn’t read The Count of Monte Cristo, I didn’t dent the six month backlog of magazines I haven’t touched since I can no longer read on the toilet, I didn’t watch the last season of both Burn Notice and In Plain Sight now taking up 90% of my DVR and I barely dented the six month backlog of comic books I have. And I don’t know why. I mean, yeah, I was sleeping a full eight hours a night, which I rarely do, and I napped again in the afternoon while watching Sportscenter after going for a bike ride, but that’s only about 13-14 hours of my day. Where’d the other 10 go? I can’t begin to tell you, but I promise you, I’ve accomplished jack shit beyond learn Asia’s “Heat of the Moment” on guitar…and I suck at it.

AND HERE’S ANOTHER CLUE FOR YOU ALL/THE WALRUS ISN’T EVEN BORN YET

Over the last two weeks I’ve enjoyed the non-stop Beatles coverage on VH1, especially The Anthology which is the best documentary since The Compleat Beatles. What’s really interesting is to see them just smoking up a storm constantly. Can you imagine that today? And John always had a limited temper for bullshit and dumb questions. My favorite bit, however, had to be with George Harrison labeling the “Summer of Love” to be bullshit and to be so disgusted with the dirty, drugged up hippies of Haight Asbury he stopped dropping acid because of it. It was all for the release of The Beatles Rock Band and the remastered Beatles albums in both mono and stereo. I’m a sucker, so I did go out to pick up my two favorite Beatles albums, Revolver and Rubber Soul, the albums where they began the transformation into something more. The Beatles catalogue is never, ever on sale so even for this push they only knocked a dollar off the regular price. However, I sold off my old versions on eBay for $5 each so that severed to mitigate my cost outlay. I also took one of the promotional pictures in a “Beatle-esque” outfit and it was utterly hideous, but I had to, because it resembled Paul’s blue Sgt. Pepper costume. I can’t tell you how fat it made me look. I truly was the walrus. As for the sound quality…yeah, it is a little bit better than the ’87 versions so I’ll probably be selling off the rest and re-buying them all.

GIRL, I HEARD YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED

Surrogate Sister is getting off my back…er, I mean, getting married in two weeks, so when she wanted to have a little gathering for drinking with friends, I couldn't exactly blow it off. Especially when she had it half a block from my house…though I was still over an hour late. You know you’re with family when they grab your gut and say, “This biking is bullshit. You need to hit a gym to get rid of this and maybe build up these.” “These” being my man boobs. But there, giving hope to us all was her friend who was once 80 pounds heavier and lost it all under a doctor’s supervision. And like anyone who’d had that change she was showing the results off with maximum cleavage. It would have been disrespectful for all the effort she’d made not to look. I also had a funny conversation with a friend of hers who was going to see The Cult that night but was hedging due in no small part the last time she saw them in concert she looked around and wondered what all those old people were doing there…before realizing she was one of them. This is why I will not go to 80’s reunion shows. Too many old people who look just like me.

AN OLD MAN COMPLAINS ABOUT THE MUSIC TODAY PT. 129378762

I don’t know why I continue to watch any MTV Awards Show. I’m old, I don’t know anyone and most of all, I just don’t care. Hell, I wasn’t buying Beatles albums because I’m cutting edge. And frankly, if I’m too old, Sway, your ass is too old. The last time I saw you, you were interviewing DMX as the hot rapper of the moment and that was at least a decade ago. Time to move on, playa…I’m also old enough to remember the original Fame and will disappointed if they don’t manage to squeeze in more original cast member cameos besides Debbie Allen. And who’d gonna get turned out like Coco?….and who are we kidding? Jermaine Jackson is basking in the attention of his brother’s death like a flower in the sun. Show business = crazy….you know who’s older than me? Madonna, who opened the show and the attempt to make me feel sorry for Michael is just not going to fly. Drew Barrymore didn’t have much of a childhood either, but she didn’t have to molest kids because of it. Of course we open with a tribute to him. Gee, think they’ll do the Lisa Marie Presley kiss that happened at the awards one year? No? Pity…you know who else is old? Joe Perry doing Queen’s “We Will Rock You” with, of course, Katy Perry. Ha-ha. I get it. I see what you did there…I don’t find Russell Brand all that funny so I’ll be skipping his “English humor” falling flat which it always does…Shakira is a werewolf in her new video so they pair her with the werewolf boy from Twilight. Ha-ha. I get it. I see what you did there…I don’t think I’ve ever heard a Taylor Swift song to completion...wait, are these the 2009 Awards that Green Day is winning anything?...man, how badly did MTV fuck up the subway system to let Taylor Swift to perform there? Normally, it’s just the above ground traffic, thought they clearly fucked that up too…though I’m old, I’ve loved Cobra Starship since they did the Snakes on a Plane theme song…I also like Lady GaGa because she’s a total over-the-top performer. And she understands her body will never look this good again, so she’s flaunting it like a muthafucka. The best performance of the night. Of course I own none of her music…Green Day one of the biggest bands in the world? Uh, no…because I’m old Twilight means nothing to me and this trailer changes nothing…Beyonce’s performances always bore me because they’re just too perfect, precise and showy. They’ve just been drained of life. But it was fun looking at her crotch…and though I’m old, I love Muse because they’re damn near a science fiction rock band. Their music I do own…okay why are some of the best performances once again being shown before and after the commercials? You could have cut Beyonce in half and shown all of The All American Rejects…you know who else is old? JLo. But baby, even though you’re from The Bronx, you still had to hop on a train to get to where hip-hop was born…now Pink’s performance had passion and I dig that she has an all-girl band, but again, I own none of her music…something with Taylor Swift again, but I’m fast-forwarding…because I’m old, I stop to watch Jay-Z. Jigga wha? And because I was too busying buying The Beatles, I forgot to pick up The Blueprint 3. Forgive me, Hova. Actually, I enjoyed Beyonce singing along with Alicia Keyes more than I enjoyed her number. She probably wanted the gig, but she’s not from Brooklyn, so no…I’m pretty sure Michael Jackson made his feelings towards his father clear so exactly what the fuck is Jermaine thinking bringing him? Aren’t there like 14 other family members who could have come along?

ENTER THE AUTUMN OF DEATH

The summer is over, but death is clearly not done with show business taking the creator of MASH. If I’m Norman Lear I’m watching my back.

AT LAST OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

I have a new blender! A nice stainless steel Black & Decker number given to me by Fitness Woman and her husband. Not that I stopped using my broken one, making the three still functioning blades work for me. But now, let the blending of frozen drinks begin again in earnest, even though I usually stop in the Fall---which started almost immediately with the calendar change. Since when is September not a sweaty mess?