I CAN HAVE NO TASTE ALL BY MYSELF

1. I Can Do Bad All By Myself Wknd/$ 24.0 Total/$ 24.0

2. 9/Focus Wknd/$ 10.9 Total/$ 14.3

3. Inglorious Basterds/Weinstein Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 104.3

4. All About Steve/Fox Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 21.8

5. The Final Destination 3D/WB Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 58.2

6. Sorority Row/Summit Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 5.3

7. Whiteout/Warner Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 5.1

8. District 9/TriStar Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 108.5

9. Julie & Julia/Sony Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 85.4

10.Gamer/LGF Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 16.1

BECAUSE “SUCK” KNOWS NO COLOR

I Can Do Bad All By Myself opens at number one and I’ll say it again: we all have sections of our groups that seem to exist solely to embarrass us. WASPs have the people making sure Larry The Cable Guy doesn’t make his living actually working for the cable company. Black people have Tyler Perry someone becoming of a media mogul by churning out this “playing to the guy eating the sandwich he brought in” tripe. Yes, yes, I know. It’s hypocritical to diss something you haven’t seen, but there are exceptions to the rule. Uwe Boll movies are one, Tyler Perry movies are another. And pity the poor Black actors who find themselves at his door because they can’t find work elsewhere or won’t accept playing a crappy role in a better film. Given Taraji P. Henson was Oscar nominated for playing a “benevolent negro” in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, I guess she decided if she’s going to play a crappy role in a crappy film it might as well be the lead.

NOT ABOUT SERIAL KILLERS, FILMMAKERS OR HOT WOMEN

9 opens a number two and this is a big screen adaptation of an Oscar-nominated short film. It’s long on great visuals, but a bit short on story, betraying its origins. It was just never meant to be full length. But the visuals are still worth seeing and help to distract you that not much is actually going on. This is set in a past-post apocalyptic earth. In other words, suppose humanity had been wiped out in 1918. This utilizes a type of science fiction known as “steam punk” which is to say you still have jet packs and robot but they now run on coal and steam, and utilizing only the technology of the time period. In this case, machines have already turned on man and wiped us out using tripods like out of War of the Worlds. All that is of us are nine little artificial beings made out of sackcloth. 9 is the last to awaken and our story begins with him as he goes out to explore the world, meet his counterparts and fight the man-killing machine which is still around and apparently still pissed. The characters are widely drawn, but for a reason, which is pretty obvious though not revealed until the end. 9 is nice, 2 is smart, 5 is loyal, 7 is a brave girl (sorry, but it really doesn’t get deeper than that for her) and 1 is…The Pope. Yeah, The Pope. He hides in the church, cruelly judges and bullies others and wears a little hat and cape. He’s The Pope. Clearly the director was working out some issues he has with his Catholicism.

A MALE VERSION OF ALL ABOUT EVE IS GENIUS COMPARED TO THIS

Inglorious Basterds is down to number three, followed by All About Steve at number four and I cannot believe this horrible movie was ever a good idea on anyone’s part. I suspect it was once a little indie comedy about a woman with Asperger’s Syndrome that they tried to shoehorn into a mainstream comedy and it simply does not work on any level. Unless you diagnose her with something, then she’s just a crazy bitch and not sympathetic in anyway and you understand totally why Steve would give up sex just to get away from her. And apparently they’ve never seen a competent road comedy to think this is one. It is listless, dull, unfocused and most of all unfunny. When your only big laugh is a joke about a dead horse (which turns out not to be dead) you know you’ve got a problem. Talk about two people who have inadvertently pissed away gains made over the summer. Sandra Bullock had the mediocre yet well-performing The Proposal, while Bradley Cooper had the funny and successful The Hangover. In fact, if those two films hadn’t done so well, this probably would have gone direct to video, as its release date was actually pushed back from early this summer to the end of summer, which is never a good sign.

BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS TO WATCH SORORITY GIRLS DIE

The Final Destination is down to number five, followed by Sorority Row opening at number six and do people simply not get the formula for a slasher movie? The overly long trailer for this has a girl faking her death to scare a guy, who goes nuts in his grief and stabs her body, actually killing her and her sorority sisters cover it up, making them a target for revenge later. That makes no sense. Anyone with an IQ above room temperature would have told them, “No, the girls have to cause the death of some outcast girl or a pledge they were trying to humiliate. Then they all deserve to die. It can’t just be something that was arguably not their fault.” But they don’t and here we are at number six on what should have been a sure thing, because who doesn’t want to see some Tri-Delts bite it? And it can’t be anything but annoying for a struggling Asian actress to see this sad-eyed girl who was on a Real World continuously working. At least a musician has some proven charisma. But losing a role to someone from a reality show!?! Ouch.

HOW COLD WAS IT?

Whiteout opens at number seven and this was briefly tempting. A detective story set in an unusual place is a tried and true formula, but ultimately I preferred to sleep in as did most of America and not even that shot in the trailer of her taking a shower was enough to motivate us. I guess if Kate Beckinsale isn’t in skintight rubber shooting werewolves, we just don’t care. Maybe if they’d focused a bit more on the mystery in the trailer and less on the fact that it takes place some place cold. I mean, it’s Antarctica. I get it. Cold bad. How about something about the story?

IT WAS DOWNHILL AFTER WAR GAMES

District 9 is down to number eight, followed by Julie & Julia at number nine and Gamer down to number ten and unless you’ve got the word Tron in the title, I could care less about any movie about a “game” where people kill or die. I didn’t give a shit about The Running Man, didn’t give a shit about Stay Alive and I don’t care about this. I didn’t even need to know that it came from the directors (and I use that term loosely) who gave us Crank 2, which was little more than a videogame, complete with the main character needing “charge ups.” Also, that Gerard Butler got lucky with 300 is becoming more and more apparent with every film that comes out, because he clearly has no taste in scripts. I know it’s easy to take the quick money, dude, but too many movies like this and that’ll stop too and you’ll be back to playing Christian Bale’s best friend who dies like in Reign of Fire.

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER ASHTON KUTCHER MAKES BAD MOVIES TOO

Out of the top ten after just a week is Extract and if you missed this you didn’t miss much. The idea of Mike Judge returning to a workplace comedy seems like a good idea, but that’s all it was. It was a bunch of ideas that never quite gel or go anywhere. In its own way, it meanders as much as All About Steve, though it at least threatens to have purpose. Lots of somewhat interesting characters are set up but ultimately go unfulfilled. Mila Kunis’ job seems pretty much to walk about with her shirt open and Ben Affleck’s is just to wear that awful wig.

STAYCATION’S ALL I EVER WANTED…

You know how you think that if you just had more time you’d accomplish so much? Well, as I approach the last day of my “staycation”---you know that thing where you have days off but no money to go anywhere but the kitchen---I can tell you that you would not. I didn’t read The Count of Monte Cristo, I didn’t dent the six month backlog of magazines I haven’t touched since I can no longer read on the toilet, I didn’t watch the last season of both Burn Notice and In Plain Sight now taking up 90% of my DVR and I barely dented the six month backlog of comic books I have. And I don’t know why. I mean, yeah, I was sleeping a full eight hours a night, which I rarely do, and I napped again in the afternoon while watching Sportscenter after going for a bike ride, but that’s only about 13-14 hours of my day. Where’d the other 10 go? I can’t begin to tell you, but I promise you, I’ve accomplished jack shit beyond learn Asia’s “Heat of the Moment” on guitar…and I suck at it.

AND HERE’S ANOTHER CLUE FOR YOU ALL/THE WALRUS ISN’T EVEN BORN YET

Over the last two weeks I’ve enjoyed the non-stop Beatles coverage on VH1, especially The Anthology which is the best documentary since The Compleat Beatles. What’s really interesting is to see them just smoking up a storm constantly. Can you imagine that today? And John always had a limited temper for bullshit and dumb questions. My favorite bit, however, had to be with George Harrison labeling the “Summer of Love” to be bullshit and to be so disgusted with the dirty, drugged up hippies of Haight Asbury he stopped dropping acid because of it. It was all for the release of The Beatles Rock Band and the remastered Beatles albums in both mono and stereo. I’m a sucker, so I did go out to pick up my two favorite Beatles albums, Revolver and Rubber Soul, the albums where they began the transformation into something more. The Beatles catalogue is never, ever on sale so even for this push they only knocked a dollar off the regular price. However, I sold off my old versions on eBay for $5 each so that severed to mitigate my cost outlay. I also took one of the promotional pictures in a “Beatle-esque” outfit and it was utterly hideous, but I had to, because it resembled Paul’s blue Sgt. Pepper costume. I can’t tell you how fat it made me look. I truly was the walrus. As for the sound quality…yeah, it is a little bit better than the ’87 versions so I’ll probably be selling off the rest and re-buying them all.

GIRL, I HEARD YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED

Surrogate Sister is getting off my back…er, I mean, getting married in two weeks, so when she wanted to have a little gathering for drinking with friends, I couldn't exactly blow it off. Especially when she had it half a block from my house…though I was still over an hour late. You know you’re with family when they grab your gut and say, “This biking is bullshit. You need to hit a gym to get rid of this and maybe build up these.” “These” being my man boobs. But there, giving hope to us all was her friend who was once 80 pounds heavier and lost it all under a doctor’s supervision. And like anyone who’d had that change she was showing the results off with maximum cleavage. It would have been disrespectful for all the effort she’d made not to look. I also had a funny conversation with a friend of hers who was going to see The Cult that night but was hedging due in no small part the last time she saw them in concert she looked around and wondered what all those old people were doing there…before realizing she was one of them. This is why I will not go to 80’s reunion shows. Too many old people who look just like me.

AN OLD MAN COMPLAINS ABOUT THE MUSIC TODAY PT. 129378762

I don’t know why I continue to watch any MTV Awards Show. I’m old, I don’t know anyone and most of all, I just don’t care. Hell, I wasn’t buying Beatles albums because I’m cutting edge. And frankly, if I’m too old, Sway, your ass is too old. The last time I saw you, you were interviewing DMX as the hot rapper of the moment and that was at least a decade ago. Time to move on, playa…I’m also old enough to remember the original Fame and will disappointed if they don’t manage to squeeze in more original cast member cameos besides Debbie Allen. And who’d gonna get turned out like Coco?….and who are we kidding? Jermaine Jackson is basking in the attention of his brother’s death like a flower in the sun. Show business = crazy….you know who’s older than me? Madonna, who opened the show and the attempt to make me feel sorry for Michael is just not going to fly. Drew Barrymore didn’t have much of a childhood either, but she didn’t have to molest kids because of it. Of course we open with a tribute to him. Gee, think they’ll do the Lisa Marie Presley kiss that happened at the awards one year? No? Pity…you know who else is old? Joe Perry doing Queen’s “We Will Rock You” with, of course, Katy Perry. Ha-ha. I get it. I see what you did there…I don’t find Russell Brand all that funny so I’ll be skipping his “English humor” falling flat which it always does…Shakira is a werewolf in her new video so they pair her with the werewolf boy from Twilight. Ha-ha. I get it. I see what you did there…I don’t think I’ve ever heard a Taylor Swift song to completion...wait, are these the 2009 Awards that Green Day is winning anything?...man, how badly did MTV fuck up the subway system to let Taylor Swift to perform there? Normally, it’s just the above ground traffic, thought they clearly fucked that up too…though I’m old, I’ve loved Cobra Starship since they did the Snakes on a Plane theme song…I also like Lady GaGa because she’s a total over-the-top performer. And she understands her body will never look this good again, so she’s flaunting it like a muthafucka. The best performance of the night. Of course I own none of her music…Green Day one of the biggest bands in the world? Uh, no…because I’m old Twilight means nothing to me and this trailer changes nothing…Beyonce’s performances always bore me because they’re just too perfect, precise and showy. They’ve just been drained of life. But it was fun looking at her crotch…and though I’m old, I love Muse because they’re damn near a science fiction rock band. Their music I do own…okay why are some of the best performances once again being shown before and after the commercials? You could have cut Beyonce in half and shown all of The All American Rejects…you know who else is old? JLo. But baby, even though you’re from The Bronx, you still had to hop on a train to get to where hip-hop was born…now Pink’s performance had passion and I dig that she has an all-girl band, but again, I own none of her music…something with Taylor Swift again, but I’m fast-forwarding…because I’m old, I stop to watch Jay-Z. Jigga wha? And because I was too busying buying The Beatles, I forgot to pick up The Blueprint 3. Forgive me, Hova. Actually, I enjoyed Beyonce singing along with Alicia Keyes more than I enjoyed her number. She probably wanted the gig, but she’s not from Brooklyn, so no…I’m pretty sure Michael Jackson made his feelings towards his father clear so exactly what the fuck is Jermaine thinking bringing him? Aren’t there like 14 other family members who could have come along?

ENTER THE AUTUMN OF DEATH

The summer is over, but death is clearly not done with show business taking the creator of MASH. If I’m Norman Lear I’m watching my back.

AT LAST OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER

I have a new blender! A nice stainless steel Black & Decker number given to me by Fitness Woman and her husband. Not that I stopped using my broken one, making the three still functioning blades work for me. But now, let the blending of frozen drinks begin again in earnest, even though I usually stop in the Fall---which started almost immediately with the calendar change. Since when is September not a sweaty mess?