WILL PUT OUT FOR SHOES

1. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs Wknd/$ 30.1 Total/$ 30.1

2. The Informant/WB Wknd/$ 10.5 Total/$ 10.5

3. I Can Do Bad All By Myself/Lions Wknd/$ 10.1 Total/$ 37.9

4. Love Happens/Universal Wknd/$ 8.5 Total/$ 8.5

5. Jennifer’s Body/Fox Wknd/$ 6.8 Total/$ 6.8

6. 9/Focus Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 22.8

7. Inglorious Basterds/Weinstein Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 110.0

8. All About Steve/Fox Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 26.7

9. Sorority Row/Summit Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 8.9

10. The Final Destination 3D/WB Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 62.4

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF TEQUILA!

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs opens not too surprisingly at number one when you consider it had a following as a book and for every kid half-price ticket there’s a full adult ticket. Despite my love of food, I had no interest in this. Maybe if they’d called it Cloudy With A Chance of Bacon or Cheese.

AT LEAST WITH NO BERNIE MAC THE OCEAN’S FRANCHISE IS DEAD

The Informant opens at number two and Steven Soderbergh has just exhausted so much good will with me I can’t get excited about his work any longer. I maintain it’s like a part of him just died when Out of Sight failed. After that he started making movies with Julia Roberts. Even his art films are lacking a certain spark. Maybe the Liberace movie he has planned will finally bring him back.

APPARENTLY THERE WAS STILL ROOM FOR MORE BAD DRAMA

I Can Do Bad All By Myself is down to number three and also in this are Gladys Knight and Mary J. Blige and for the first time I’m glad a singer took away a job from an actual actor because I’d hate to see someone I respected for their work doing this crap. I’m still trying to get over Angela Bassett sinking to this crap.

CAN YOU REALLY MAKE A CAREER OUT OF PEOPLE FEELING SORRY FOR YOU?

Love Happens opens at number four and have you ever seen a movie made to look more boring and lifeless? How the hell did this Lifetime Movie escape into the theaters of America and being cast without Heather Locklear and Jason Priestly (who’d also direct as he does now for Lifetime) like it should have been? Jennifer Anniston needs to make better films because she can only keep her A-list status as the woman wronged by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for so long---and you know I’m right. That’s how big they are, that she has A-list status simply by the virtue of being dicked over by them.

OF COURSE HER NAME IS JENNIFER! SHE’S A DEMON! NOT THAT I’M BITTER.

Jennifer’s Body opens up at number five and if you can leave your Diablo Cody and Megan Fox hate at the door, this isn’t a bad movie. Unfortunately, without the two of them it’s not so good it would have been made otherwise. The script seriously needed another pass or two because it has some good ideas, but there’s a saying in music how you have your whole life to write your first album, but only a year to write your second. Clearly Diablo Cody moved quickly to act on her Juno success and was given a greenlight for a script that might not have been made otherwise. And it’s on her because she’s also an executive producer here. Like a good horror or science fiction film the movie is ultimately a metaphor. In this case about the toxic friendship between two girls when one literally becomes a man-eater after an emo band tries to sacrifice her to the devil for success, which is one of the film best jokes and more should have been made of it (though them singing “867-5309” while they do it was both twisted and inspired). Also not explored is whether or not Jennifer is truly enjoying the demon in her soul or is merely a vessel for it. A more developed film would have given her more culpability in the situation even though it was forced on her. It would then have made more sense when here best friend makes no attempt to try and exorcise the demon to save her friend but just jumps to killing her. That might have been a sly commentary on their friendship, but I doubt it. Amanda Seyfried is Megan Fox’s best friend and that her character’s nickname is “Needy” says it all, though she’s the one with the nice, loving boyfriend. This film made me think of the movie Teeth which also mixed horror with comedy and a touch of social satire but also needed a little work. They even have similar endings. In a perfect world, Diablo Cody would have rewritten that script and applied this to it, where the demon who possesses Megan Fox gave her a vagina with teeth. I think if Diablo Cody had spent as much time on depth as she did on the cute “teenspeak” she loves so much it would have been a much better film.

KLYTUS, I’M BORED…

9 is down to number six and the voices are Elijah Wood, Jennifer Connelly, Martin Landau, John C. Reilly and Crispin Glover and yes, Crispin Glover plays the crazy role. Shocking, I know. But what really is shocking is the cranky old guy isn’t played by Martin Landau. Unlike most animated films, this isn’t a desperate bid for a paycheck. This is odd science fiction so it’s a genre film and almost everyone on this list has a fan base at a geek convention for past work. Though you never see his face, I’ve always loved the way Christopher Plummer played Klytus in that horrible Flash Gordon remake. Even in bad movie you can still put two good actors together like Max Van Sydow and Plummer and get something fun and they did. But how has Martin Landau gone his entire career without playing a Vulcan once?

DON’T WORRY, YOU’LL BE BACK ON A SITCOM SOON AT THIS RATE

Inglorious Bastards is down to number seven, followed by All About Steve at eight and what the hell is Thomas Hayden Church doing? He got critical respect (and an Oscar nomination) for Sideways, which led to a big budget payday in Spider-Man 3 and now…this? And right after that lame Eddie Murphy movie? Not to mention the trying-too-hard-to-be-indie Smart People. That cold feeling is your heat slipping away. But this isn’t the first time, is it? You left Wings to go and do Ned & Stacey, which I loved but then tanked after a season, while Wings seemed to run for-freaking-ever. Not that anyone remembers you were on it since Tony Shaloub completely eclipsed you when he filled your slot. People barely remember the show to begin with.

AREN’T YOU A LITTLE PRETTY FOR A WRITER?

Sorority Row is down to number nine and also in this is are Rumer Willis and Robert Belushi, continuing the Hollywood tradition of star spawn cutting their teeth in low-budget horror. Ironically enough, Carrie Fisher is also in this and technically she’s second-generation Hollywood, as the daughter of Debbie Reynolds and Eddie Fisher. It’s clearly some sort of joke or favor to a friend, as she’s got a very successful writing career. Though now she’s oddly complaining online that someone made a comment about how she used to be hot but now looks like Elton John (which is cruel but funny). Why she’d even bother to respond is beyond me. As we say in the south, “Don’t wrestle with the pig. He likes it and all you get is dirty.” She’s elevated that bozo by responding to his dig. And to be brutally honest, if you’re an actor, being judged harshly for your looks is simply part of the gig. If she were a writer, no one would care because they’re expected to look like crap. You’d think Debbie would have warned her about all this.

SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE WON’T HURT, BUT IF YOU’RE TALENTLESS IT WON’T HELP MUCH EITHER

Finally, closing out the top ten is The Final Destination 3-D and no celeb kids are in this that I know of. In fact, the only person of even remote fame is Krista Allen, best known for boning George Clooney and making soft core porn. That’s in order of relevance, because the former led to a real job on the HBO series, Unscripted.

RETURN OF THE KING

Behind the Music is back! One of my all-time favorite shows. What’s funny is that no on remembers that when it started with Andy Gibb and Shania Twain it was kinda raw in its honesty. Everyone talked and there wasn’t as much polish on their stories. But by the time it got to Madonna it was just another promotional tool. Her BTM didn’t even mention her longtime manager, her co-writer of the last 20 years or the producer/boyfriend who first helped make her a star. Lil Wayne, however, couldn’t give a shit and was honest to the point of the joint in his hand and his clear cough-syrup addiction. Pink’s was pretty honest because that’s who she is, but I’m annoyed at little details about how her first single actually tanked initially, then came back to succeed almost a year later, but that’s just me and because I hated it and hated its return. But I won’t truly be happy until they do Cameo. Come on! They went from a 70’s funk band with a hundred members to essentially a trio until Larry Blackmon dissolved in a coke addiction that resulted in him having to auction off the rights to all his songs. Yes, you could have bought “Candy” and “Word” up in the late 90’s.

IT’S D-I-V-A, NOT L-A-M-E

Sadly, VH1 also brought back Divas but almost without anyone worth seeing. It wasn’t so much bad as it was just lame. Jennifer Hudson hasn’t recorded anything worth hearing twice. Neither has Jordin Sparks. Leona Lewis is as corporate soulless as it gets and don’t get me started on Miley Cyrus. When she’s older she’s going to look back and wonder who the hell let her do this she sucks so badly. Kelly Clarkson has a personality and some hits, but the only saving grace of the show was Adele. It doesn’t get much better than her duet with India Arie. If she did a duet of “Chasing Pavements” with Annie Lennox I might just die from the sheer beauty and greatness of it. That was great and revealed the utter shallowness of the rest of the show in comparison. All that was left was the sheer camp entertainment of the trainwreck that is Paula Abdul. I love how she made the producers include a greatest hits melody of her stuff, because calling Miley Cyrus a diva clearly left them no leg to stand on in that regard. Also her little “Ellen” dance was pretty good. It’s been so long I’d almost forgotten that’s her real job. But bringing Liza Minnelli onstage was like bringing her crazy bonfire to the heart of the sun. That’s a reality show. The two of them hanging out.

WILL FUCK FOR CLOTHING

It took some time but I finally realized the reason Richard Gere was a whore in American Gigolo was to pay for his wardrobe, not the other way around. To have all the shoes and coats I want when I want them would require a lot of money and I am willing to put out for it. The beautiful tan butter-soft leather trench coat I found for $300 convinced me of that. It was regularly $1,200, so I guess THAT’S WHY THERE WERE NONE LEFT IN MY SIZE! Not that I would have gotten it. I really can’t rationalize a $300 leather trench coat unless I’ve become the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all chicks or starting a band. I mean, I turned off all my premium cable channels to save money, for goodness sake. But to console myself I took my little 20% off Macy’s coupon and bought some leather Jack Purcell Converse. Canvas is nice, but I realized in the rain last week they have serious limitations. And it’s getting colder too. And they look just like the Calvin Klein sneakers I’ve been jonesing over for the last few months, so that’s multiple itches scratched. Shame there was nothing I liked at Kenneth Cole during their 30% off sale. But there were new styles and colors of boxer briefs at Uniqlo and they were having a “2 for $7” sale. Yeah, I don’t understand it either, but I got four and it sucks being such an average size because all the best stuff is gone instantly in a sale. Luckily, their sizes run small, so a large fits just fine and I’m not so egocentric I wouldn’t wear them like all the other men around men who simply refused (don’t kid yourself that men wouldn’t turn down something they like if it meant admitting to a larger size). My junk needs to be comfortable. And know that September is almost over and I have yet to buy a another pair of jeans, so there!