STRIKE TWO!

1. Toy Story 3/Disney Wknd/$ 59.0 Total/$ 226.6

2. Grown Ups/Sony Wknd/$ 41.0 Total/$ 41.0

3. Knight & Day/Fox Wknd/$ 20.5 Total/$ 27.8

4. The Kung Fu Kid/Sony Wknd/$ 15.4 Total/$ 135.6

5. The A-Team/Fox Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 62.8

6. Get Him To The Greek/Universal Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 54.5

7. Shrek Forever After/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 2.9 Total/$ 229.3

8. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time/Touch Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 86.2

9. Killers/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 44.0

10. Jonah Hex/WB Wknd/$ 1.6 Total/$ 9.1

THE EXCEPTION, NOT THE RULE

Toy Story 3 holds at number one giving false hope to the idea that well-made films can be incredibly successful. Note that this has made as much in two weeks than Shrek 4 has made in six. Sadly, this means nothing.

ART IMITATING LIFE

Grown Ups opens at number two and I don’t see Adam Sandler films. They’re just not very good and worse yet, not very funny (Happy Gilmore being the exception that proves the rule). The rest? Crap. His name is simply not conducive to good comedy and I don’t see Chris Rock or David Spade mitigating that given their movies suck too. The massive pratfalls shown in the commercial with Kevin James (clearly in the role Chris Farley would have played had he lived this long) showed how the word “subtle” still isn’t something that’s occurred to Sandler or his usual cohorts who usually write and direct his movies with him. But at least he’s honest about Salma Hayek being cast as his wife, playing a character that’s rich and successful. Otherwise we’re just watching science fiction. In fact, it mirrors both their lives in that in reality he married a beautiful Latina and she married an ugly rich guy.

SOMEWHERE VING RHAMES WAITS FOR THE CALL FOR MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4

Knight & Day opens at number three and $20M is far from a bad opening, but when you’re Tom Cruise it’s your worst opening in twenty years. That’s how big a star he is; his failures would be a success for anyone else. This is the second attempt to cash in on Mr. & Mrs. Smith in as many months and the second failure, though it is better than The Killers (but a half-decent episode of Hart to Hart is better than The Killers). The main reason it’s better is that it’s pretty much a remake of The In-Laws in which an average person gets mixed up with a slightly loony CIA agent. In this case the average person is Cameron Diaz, but the fact that it’s more like The In-Laws than Mr. & Mrs. Smith should tell you something about the level of “romance” in this would-be “romantic action comedy.” Again, someone saw Mr. & Mrs. Smith and thought “Two pretty stars, some guns and foreign locales and we’ve got a hit.” That whole “chemistry between stars and good director” was lost on them utterly. Doug Liman directed Mr. & Mrs. Smith and before that he did the The Bourne Identity and showed he was capable of mixing genres as far back as Go, which had an utterly unexpected and hysterical action sequence in the middle of it. Like far too many aging megastars, Cruise tends to lean towards directors he can control like James Mangold here, who is behind lackluster star-heavy movies like the 3:10 to Yuma remake, Kate & Leopold, Walk The Line and Girl Interrupted. None bad, but none very good either. And as far as star chemistry goes, Cruise really doesn’t really doesn’t have it with any woman, Vanessa Redgrave in Mission Impossible being the only exception and that was 99% her acting like she was ready to unhinge her jaw and swallow him whole.

MAYBE MICHELE YEOH COULD MAKE THAT MOVIE WITH HER

The Kung Fu Kid is down to number four and while we’re watching the struggle of Will Smith’s spawn (he ain’t your kid, Jada) to assimilate, I couldn’t help but wonder what the hell is mom going through as a Black woman in corporate Asia? Are we supposed to think she’s just cruising? Apparently so. Maybe she’s got a parallel struggle and gets a woman there teaching her corporate kung-fu and it climaxes at a big presentation at the end. Nah, I wouldn’t see that either.

MY MOVIE DOLLAR DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS SHE’S GOT BUNS, HON

The A-Team is down to number five and also in this is the current possessor of Best Ass On A White Girl, Jessica Biel. Sorry to play the race card, but you just don’t see back on mainstream white girl celebrity like that. Athletes and dancers? Sure. Porn? Every day. Music videos? Sure, because it’s usually filled with strippers who will be porn stars or dancers. But your average celeb is built like a stick with tits. Think Angelina Jolie. Magnificent rack, but after that she’s built like a 10-year-old boy. But talk about wasting an asset. Bradley Cooper is shirtless for the first half hour, but if you’re looking for Jessica Biel in tight pants or a thong, look elsewhere. Hell, even dumbass Adam Sandler knew enough to put her in an underwear scene in his crappy movie.

I’D SAY SOMETHING WITH REESE WITHERSPOON, BUT…

Get Him To The Greek is down to number six, followed by Shrek Forever After at number seven, giving Cameron Diaz two lackluster films in the top ten, suggesting Lucy Liu’s hope for a third Charlie’s Angels is getting closer to reality. Prince of Persia is down to number eight and it’s made over $200M…overseas. Yes, in the tradition of Troy a disappointing movie is being saved from complete failure by overseas viewers who aren’t nearly as picky. It’ll never be described as a hit, but that $200M has made sure it at least made its money back. Sorry, Jake. Looks like it’s lame-ass romantic comedy time for you.

MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, SHIT FLOATS

The Killers is down to number nine and Ashton Kutcher would have been better off in Knight & Day with Cameron Diaz. At least then they wouldn’t have to keep hiding the fact that she towers over Tom Cruise. Not to mention, that What Happens In Vegas actually made money. No, I’m not kidding. It did. It only cost $35M and made $219M worldwide. That’s some extra cheese on your whopper.

THE END

Finally, Jonah Hex closes out the top ten and remember kids: the next time someone tells you what your character needs is magical powers, punch him in the fucking face.

SING, SING A SONG…

The problem with friends is that they lead to more friends, which is how palling around with the Jezebel girls led me to karaoke on Friday night in K-town, which is that small patch of Korean restaurants and clubs in the 30’s west of 5^th Avenue. This was organized by the boyfriend of one of the Jezebel girls who included me amongst their real friends (i.e., not made on the internet) for their latest karaoke excursion. Fortunately, it was one of those places that are not only BYOB, but also BYOF and once I’d downed a slice of pizza and at least two beers in rapid succession I was comfortable making an utter fool of myself, starting with Jermaine Stewart’s “We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off.” And while others were very complimentary, in my mind I only heard screeching, especially by the end of the night when my voice gave out. Fortunately, I’m pretty sure everyone was too drunk to tell. Given that the giant bottle of sake was empty as was the liter of Absolut Brooklyn vodka and many six packs and few bottles of champagne, I’m pretty sure I was beneficiary of “beer headphones” even from that one person in all karaoke crowds, who takes it a little too seriously, begrudging the bad singers when everyone knows bad singing is 99% of the fun. That’s why we’re drinking, goddamnit! Not to mention if someone was truly bombing, someone would pick up the second mike and help out. But there was more fun at the end when we came out of our room into a crowd of 20-something Asians leaving as well---if the two fighting girls would let them. They were trying to physically separate them, before in the proud tradition of dudes everywhere, the men just gave up and left and the two drunk girls who ultimately just cried it out together in the corner. Down in the street we met the guys who were both amused and annoyed with all drama from two girls they’d just met that night. Amused for obvious reasons, annoyed because it’s hard to bed a drama queen on the first night, even if she’s drunk. I was supposed to go someone’s karaoke birthday party the next night (again, a woman I met through a Jezebel), but my Tom Waits voice the next morning as well my hangover made it clear that wasn’t going to happen.

AND THEN HE TOLD ME MY OUTFIT SUCKED

I haven’t done this for awhile, but the summer has brought out the celebs and at one point I thought I was on they subway with Martha Plimpton---but when I actually saw her riding her bike on the West Side path I realized that wasn’t the case. Ben Stiller was schlubby as you could imagine in person in front of the AOL Time Warner Center and despite the 90 degree temperature Saturday, Tim Gunn was looking as cool as a cucumber in his dark blue pinstriped suit, leaving the New School Design School on appropriately enough “Fashion Avenue.”

THIS IS HOW WE DO IT!

1. Toy Story 3/Disney Wknd/$ 109.0 Total/$ 109.0

2. The Kung Fu Kid/Sony Wknd/$ 29.0 Total/$ 106.3

3. The A-Team/Fox Wknd/$ 13.8 Total/$ 49.8

4. Get Him To The Greek/Universal Wknd/$ 6.1 Total/$ 47.9

5. Shrek Forever After/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 223.0

6. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time/Touch Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 80.5

7. Killers/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 39.4

8. Jonah Hex/WB Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 5.1

9. Iron Man 2/Paramount Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 304.8

10. Marmaduke/Fox Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 27.9

GATHER ‘ROUND CHILDREN AND SEE HOW IT’S DONE

Toy Story 3 opens at number one and is proof the Academy was right to “ghettoize” animated films with their own “Best” category otherwise Pixar would kick the shit out of everyone every year. Pixar is the house that Toy Story built and even in its third installment, it still remains one of the best. It may be sacrilege, but I wasn’t reduced to puddles by Wall*E, but there were moments of this that threatened to break me. How they manage to keep making these films original, entertaining and emotionally effective is nothing short of amazing and puts the rest of Hollywood to shame. After a great opening sequence that takes you into Andy’s imagination, this follows up on a concept used to devastating affect against Woody back in Toy Story 2: their fate once Andy heads off to college. As it turns out, Andy does want to take Woody. It’s the remaining toys (Bo-Peep is mentioned to have been sold off, as we assume have Mr. Weezy and others) that are going to be consigned to the attic. Or would have been if a mix up doesn’t send them off to children’s day care, which initially seems great, but actually turn out to have a dark side, especially if you’re a “for ages 4 and up” toy condemned to toddlers. As always, the films work on two levels one for adults and one for kids, especially with the latest breakout star, Ken. Barbie didn’t show up until #2 because Mattel didn’t have faith in the first film. Needless to say after a huge slice of humble pie, they were more than onboard and we should all be thankful, because few things are funnier than the jokes made here at Ken’s expense, from his wardrobe to “Ken’s Dreamhouse” to a joke about cross-dressing (remember what I said about two levels). I’m looking forward to buying the trilogy box set this Christmas.

SAMMO HUNG AND ARESENIO HALL DIDN’T QUITE MAKE IT

The Kung Fu Kid is down to number two and who loves Black people more than Jackie Chan right now? First Rush Hour makes him more of a global star than he was before and now this puts him back on top in Hollywood after half-a-dozen miserable---and I mean miserable---action comedies. Look, if you’re working with Jennifer Love Hewitt and George Lopez it’s a miserable comedy. Right now Jet Li is realizing he should have gone younger rather than hooking up with every R&B star that came along.

THE “A” IS CLEARLY FOR “ABS”

The A-Team is down to number three and all some of you need to know is this: Bradley Cooper has his shirt off in the opening scene in Mexico; he has his shirt off in the second scene in Iraq and he has his shirt off in the third scene where he’s busted out of prison. You’re welcome.

THE WORLD IS MADE FOR PEOPLE WHO LACK SELF AWARENESS – CRASH DAVIS

Get him to the Greek is down to number four, followed by Shrek Forever After at number five and do you think these people have the self-awareness to see a Pixar film and think “Maybe we should try harder”? Nah, me neither. If you’ve seen the trailers for shit like Alpha & Omega you know how little they’re willing to try.

GHANDI AIN’T PAYING FOR A PORSCHE

Prince of Persia is down to number six and also in this is Ben Kingsley, clearly taking jobs to pay for that young wife of his, who was probably a little to eager to visit the set and meet Jake Gyllenhaal.

YOU KNOW WHAT JAMES BOND NEEDS? MAGICAL POWERS!

The Killers is down to number seven, followed by Jonah Hex opening at number eight and let me tell you how this went to shit before anyone was cast and one inch of film was shot. “We got the rights to this Jonah Hex character from DC Comics and he’s a hideously scarred bounty hunter in Confederate garb who roams the south west having the darkest, most twisted adventures and after he dies winds up stuffed in a Ripley’s Exhibit. But you know what it needs? Magical powers!” Yeah, this is why Hollywood sucks, people. Jonah Hex is a southern gothic character like Clint Eastwood played in the early 70’s in movies like The Beguiled and High Plains Drifter (and while yes, he was a ghost in High Plains Drifter, you didn’t know that until the end and he never displayed magical powers like Jonah Hex does), not Harry fucking Potter. The moment someone takes a character that’s existed for over 35 years and decides that what he needs is magical powers, it’s all over but the shouting. That moron should just be shut into a closet and never listened to again. That aside, at least it’s only 80 minutes long. And it’s not as bad as Ghost Rider, which was kind of a supernatural western itself. It even opens with an homage to Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad & The Ugly (that’s when best scene with the Gatling gun occurs). But you know things are bad when they use the comic book drawings to tell the story of his origin. His dumbass magical origin (which borrows liberally from the superior comic book movie, The Crow). It’s also a bad sign when the only movie this reminds you of is Wild, Wild West, with its plot of a deranged Confederate seeking to destroy the United States played by an otherwise talented actor. In that case Kenneth Branagh. In this case John Malkovich. Megan Fox can’t be blamed for this as she’s relatively innocuous as the gun-toting hooker who cares for him. But if they saw the script as written then she, like Josh Brolin, John Malkovich and out-of-nowhere Adian Quinn are all actual whores in real life. Also popping up in smaller roles are Wes Bentley, who clearly didn’t learn from Ghost Rider and Jeffrey Dean Morgan who is in two disappointing comic book movies this year now, after The Losers (though that was only financially disappointing). It’s one of those movies you’ll see on TNT at 3:00 am in a few years and constantly go “Hey, it’s that guy.” And yes, that was no one less than Luke Duke (Tom Wopat) in a small role as well. This recession is killing an actor’s dignity.

DUDES IS DUMB

On the other side of the coin down at number nine is Iron Man 2, which honestly, isn’t much better as a movie much longer and also contains a monotoned, pouty-lipped starlet who doesn’t do a lot, but has made $605M worldwide.

THE END

Marmaduke closes out the top ten at ten. Thank god it’s over.

RULE #1: DON’T PISS OFF THE KITCHEN STAFF

So my second weekend of purely Manhattan social activity continued, reminding me just how goddamn much I’ve been to Brooklyn over the past year and why it needs to stop. This time The Libertine and her husband were in town with friends and I joined them for dinner at The Spotted Pig, where we’d been to before and had the amazing prunes wrapped in bacon. Yes, it’s cooked and in this amazing sauce. Simply. Awesome. From there I had something involving prosciutto, mozzarella and mustard greens while everyone else had the awesome burger---that we waited almost an hour for. Now, it’s almost worth it, but it contributed to me being reminded why I’m attracted to NYC girls and not the southern things I grew up with especially seeming debutante like. I don’t know if she was actually, but of The Libertine’s friend stunk of some deb-ness. She was from Huntsville, Alabama no less, but I didn’t dare reveal we shared a home state. There would be no bonding. In any case, she requested her burger well done and when it came with some pink in the middle she was upset. Clearly the waitress and dealt with these Philistine complaints before and tried gently (as if to a child who won’t eat something on their plate) to explain that when you cook something until it’s brown, you essentially drain it of flavor and no good chef was going to do that (if you didn’t know, the chef at The Spotted Pig was on Top Chef and Bartali is one of the backers). Southern Deb’s response was “Well, when I wait an hour for a well-done burger, I don’t expect to see pink inside.” Now, when she got it back to her specifications she didn’t eat it, which I initially felt was her being doubly obnoxious, but when I remembered that comment I realized there was no doubt that burger was now covered in kitchen staff saliva, so it was the right move. We were all supposed to go shopping the next day in SoHo, but ultimately were on different missions. They wanted Tory Burch. I wanted Uniqlo and Kenneth Cole. And while I can go to SoHo at any time, it had been forever since I felt financially comfortable to indulge even a little (than you, my fucking expensive teeth). So, while I got my linen shirt, more underwear (if you have to ask should you throw something out, then you probably need to throw those drawers out), cheap Canal Street watches (one of which came apart almost immediately), a new belt and resisted sandals on sale at Kenneth Cole, they got their Tory Burch shoes and some jewelry as we walked parallel to one another. I up Broadway and they up Elizabeth. Also, I had no time frame and they had to move quickly to return to their hotel then catch a flight home. I would have loved to have seen more of The Libertine, but she understands a shopping agenda better than anyone and why I could not yield from mine. Never yield your shopping agenda!

GREECE. ITALY. DIFFERENT.

1. The Kung Fu Kid/Sony Wknd/$ 56.0 Total/$ 56.0

2. The A-Team/Fox Wknd/$ 26.0 Total/$ 26.0

3. Shrek Forever After/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 15.8 Total/$ 210.1

4. Get Him To The Greek/Universal Wknd/$ 10.1 Total/$ 36.5

5. Killers/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 8.2 Total/$ 30.7

6. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time/Touch Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 72.3

8. Sex & The City 2/WB Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 84.7

7. Marmaduke/Fox Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 22.3

9. Iron Man 2/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.6 Total/$ 299.3

10. Splice/Warner Wknd/$ 2.9 Total/$ 13.1

GREECE? ITALY? DIFFERENT.

The Kung Fu Kid opens at number one and---What? Yeah, that’s what I’m calling it because calling it The Karate Kid is just dumb. Kung fu is not karate any more than China is Japan, any more than Greece is Italy. It’s nothing short of ignorance, arrogance and flat out greed to call this movie the Karate Kid, when it’s kung fu he’s studying in fucking China with Jackie fucking Chan no less! While I enjoyed it, I must admit that it’s somewhat mitigated by me trying to watch Rush Hour the night before. I’d never seen it because I hate Chris Tucker and pairing him with Brett Ratner as director only means a steaming pile of shit the likes of which this world rarely sees. I wasn’t wrong, but what made it even worse was the fearless display of his utter ignorance in the face of another culture. I was half-expecting him to make a “pee pee in your coke” joke at one point. How and why Jackie Chan didn’t punch them both out all day ever day is beyond me. Then again, he’s got a high tolerance for pain. Now, I was never any huge fan of The Karate Kid. I was just starting out in martial arts myself at the time and in typical teenage fashion of taking things I liked much too seriously, I found flaw in every single part of it. For one it was too damn long. Secondly, he should have had his ass handed to him at the end with that bullshit crane kick. Third, the neverending use of stunt doubles was obvious. Fourth, it was too long. Yes, it’s annoying enough to be mentioned twice. This is still a bit too long, but they wonderfully cut back on the romance subplot, Jaden Smith looks like he learned something for the role and of course we have Jackie Chan, playing the kind of role he should be playing these days, the older, wiser teacher. He still should have lost in the end, because the bad kids are clearly top notch martial artists, but you actually get the feeling he can hold his own a lot better than Ralph Macchio ever could. The plot is one of the oldest in the book and works now for the same reason it worked then: the underdog beating the odds to win (and gets the girl). After all, it’s not a coincidence that the director of The Karate Kid was also the director of Rocky. It’s also no coincidence that the son of Will Smith has natural charm and charisma. This is one instance where nepotism works out.

AN A-TEAM OF LOSERS

The A-Team opens at number two and this contains a crack covert ops team out for revenge on the flamboyantly weasely CIA agent with who framed them. Sound familiar? That’s because it came out two months ago and was called “The Losers.” And honestly it was better, because unlike so many, I have no nostalgic affection for The A-Team. I was already too old for a show like that when it debuted and just as I took The Karate Kid too seriously because of my age, I took my stupid action TV too seriously as well and had no patience for either this or Knight Rider. One advantage The Losers had over this was that the set up is done in the first ten minutes of the movie. We’re at least 30-40 minutes in before The A-Team is even a group of fugitives seeking revenge. We get the pre-credit action sequence as to how the team was formed, then the action sequence in circumstances that get them into trouble, and then we start the story. The problem is, the raison d’etre of The A-Team is “plan outrageous scheme then execute outrageous scheme.” By the time the actual plot gets going, we’re seeing it for umpteenth time. It’s already old hat. Had the “flying tank” scene come 20 minutes earlier and not been the second air battle of the movie, it might have been more impressive. Mr. T and Dirk Benedict have already spoken out against this and for the dumbest reasons ever. Dirk Benedict is clearly making a second career out of busting on remakes of his 80’s work (he’s already gone off on the Battlestar Galactica reinvention). What makes this especially crazy is that he has a fucking cameo (as does Dwight Schultz). And Mr. T is going by some insane logic of the violence on the TV show being okay because there were no consequences for the violence like blood or death. Someone really needs to explain to him why that’s not better. Use small words, fool. But it’s really sad that they didn’t bother hiring an actor to play Mr. T’s role. Not that he was playing anything other than himself, but he could actually do that. This guy is an MMA fighter and it’s clearly beyond him and is actually a bit of a hole in a movie where everyone else does their jobs, especially in the smaller roles, like Patrick Wilson as the ultimate fratboy douchebag CIA agent and Brian Bloom as the very enthusiastic assassin sometimes working with him. Clearly, they saw “big black guy” and that was enough. Thought they’d get some of the MMA money, only to ironically lose those people probably to The Kung Fu Kid.

AND IN THE END, BEING PRETTY IS ALL THAT MATTERS

Shrek Forever After is down to number three and they’re already working on the Puss In Boots movie and don’t pretend you won’t be there. I know I will. Antonia Banderas will sit on his money and laugh at those who think he wishes he were Javier Bardeem. For one, Javier Bardeem ain’t pretty.

THIS IS WHY IT’S CALLED “WORK”

Get Him To The Greek is down to number four and Judd Apatow owes a movie to Carla Bruno like nobody’s business given he keeps giving her small, thankless roles in his productions in roles that could easily be described as “The Vagina.” In Superbad she’s the girl with her period who bleeds while humping Jonah Hill’s leg. In Forgetting Sarah Marshall she’s the girl in the sex montage who wants a gag and here she’s some drunk party girl who bones Jonah Hill because Puffy tells her to (I didn’t see her in I Love You Man or Funny People, but she’s there and I’m sure not doing much better). The twist is she has her pubic hair shaved into the shape of a microphone (not that we see it). And when I say “bones him” I mean she takes a large dildo out of her purse and shoves it up his ass. Noel Coward you are missed. On top of these roles she’s been a porn star on Californication where she was the lover to Harry from Sex & The City and she was also the young girlfriend to Scott Bakula on Men of A Certain Age. She’s paid her dues! She needs to get paid to make out with Paul Walker in a romantic comedy.

SECOND CITY TRAINED, BITCHES!

The Killers is down to number five and did I mention how Catherine O’Hara effortless steals every scene she’s in? Not that it’s difficult given her competition is Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher and Tom Selleck, but that’s what happens when you give a talented comedian even the smallest amount to work with. And they only give her the smallest amount to work with here.

EVEN LUKE KISSED HIS SISTER

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is down to number six and one of the many reasons they blew this was that they didn’t take into account the female audience. You’ve probably seen a dozen articles and pictures about how Jake Gyllenhaal got into shape for this. Know how many times he takes his shirt off? Once. Also, his romance with Gemma Atkinson leaves something to be desired. When I saw The Bourne Identity, there were a gaggle of young women in the front there to see Matt Damon and despite being a balls out action flick the romance was perfect for them, because despite being a super-agent, Jason Bourne was also vulnerable. He needed her help and when the love scene was instigated, she was the instigator, not him. I don’t even remember if Gemma Atkinson and Jake Gyllenhaal even kiss in this. I remember a lot of forced bickering though.

GRANDPA’S FAVORITE MOVIE

Marmaduke actually only drops one notch to number seven. I guess the seniors are getting out more.

WHAT DOES A SINGLE GIRL IN NYC KNOW ABOUT SEX & THE CITY ANYWAY?

Sex and The City 2 is down to number eight and once again, Geek Girl The Next Generation:

There's a lot about SATC that doesn’t make sense and never has. That Carrie has an endless shoe budget on a writers' salary or that anyone pays her in the first place to "not help but wonder" about the driest innuendos that Michael Patrick King can dream up in his Pink Plush Book o' Pithy Puns. But beyond the Louboutins, the handsome men, and the inexplicability of any of them being friends with Charlotte York McDougall Rosenblatt O'PleaseStabMyEardrums lies a tacit theme (intentionally or not) about the necessity of a close group of friends and a love for oneself in order to edge around the huge, gaping chasm of loneliness and confusion that exists within the hum and bustle and crowdedness of this huge city (as Carrie basically says in the finale). I get this as a city girl, and that's why I've personally loved the series. Although the show ended on a satisfying note, there's still a part of me that wished I could hold on a bit longer. And because millions of fans felt the same, it seemed logical to milk the series for money with a big screen treatment. While I thought the first movie was generally okay because of its sincere---if not heavy-handed and a bit simplistic---exploration in the characters finding themselves again and helping each other through relationship troubles, I feel like SATC2 pulled down its LaPerla knickers and ceremoniously shit on my appreciation for the series' efforts at sincerity. SJP described this movie in the press as a "romp." That it was, in certain parts and would've been perfectly fine if this was a counter-fluff movie to all the emotional distress the first movie dragged out. We need fluff! We need to see Liza dancing to "Single Ladies" and the braless nanny and Noah Mills' perfect ass thrusting and thrusting and...sorry, I'm back. But Michael Patrick King had to emphasize important themes to show that this is one of the Most Serious Female Movies of Its Time. SATC2 made us painfully aware of the women's dreadful hardships: by showing how difficult it is for Charlotte to be a mother who's too high-strung to realize that she has it made with multimillion dollar assets, a patient and loving husband, and a full-time nanny all at her disposal. By erasing Samantha's somewhat legendary self-confidence and resolve towards graceful aging by reducing her to a caricature that rubs yams on her body because she's afraid her ovaries will shrivel on vacation (she handles breast cancer with aplomb, but freaks out because she can't take multivitamins?). And by having Carrie get pissed because her husband---you know, the one who she spent years trying to get with, the one who has fully committed to her and enjoys coming home to her every night---can't read her mind after two years of marriage. ISN'T IT TERRIBLE (best subtle joke: when she asks Chris Noth if she’s a bitch, he doesn’t answer and looks away)!?! Miranda often seems like the least terrible out of the four, but this is how I legitimize her fourth-banana status. Terrible sells more than logic. I also took to task the whole "OH GOD THESE WOMEN ARE SO OPPRESSED SO LET'S GO RIDE CAMELS AND MAKE DICK JOKES" nature of the visit to Abu Dhabi. There were various burka-related bon mots throughout the movie that annoyed me--they seemed blissfully ignorant in the delivery of their "covering women is evil" messages. I'm not saying I necessarily agree with or understand the place of women in Middle Eastern Muslim countries, but I definitely wouldn't take pride in being an intentional asshole and flouting social mores while in respective countries (unless I'm planning on leading Operation Enduring Freedom from my ranch in Crawford). Was I supposed to sympathize with Samantha for going to another region of the world in which, as most informed adults know, there are consequences for men and women touching in public, let alone deep-throating a hookah, grabbing a dude's boner and taking off one's clothes in plans to fuck on the beach in public? Oh, I was, wasn't I? Because I'm woman and I am strong, I am invincible, and tackily insensitive of other cultures! Which leads to my final gripe: who the fuck is supposed to know all the words to a Helen Reddy song outside of 1972? Did I miss that missive at the Spring Feminist Picnic? There are other lady-awesome songs that don't make you want to drown in your own spittle.

SHUT UP AND LOOK PRETTY ALREADY

Iron Man 2 is down to number nine and by now you should have seen it and know that after the credits we get a teaser for the upcoming Thor movie which will be better that this if for no other reason that it wasn’t written by an actor.

THE END

Finally, Splice closes out the top ten at number ten.

IT’S NOT THE DESTINATION BUT THE VOYAGE

This weekend was yet another party thrown by one of the Jezebel girls, but the caveat this time was it was in Manhattan. And not just in Manhattan, but also in a new building right next to my old digs on 100^th & Columbus. I’d forgotten how much I loved living on the Upper West Side, but not as much as how much I enjoyed being able to get home in less than an hour after being out. There was a time I’d almost never go to Brooklyn because that trip home was either expensive or time consuming, but it seems my tolerance level for pain has increased in all facets of my life not just my body, because I don’t even think about it any longer. Well, the effortless trip home Saturday night took care of that. It was just too easy. I can’t go back to that endless drudgery of waiting for train from Brooklyn then the fucking ride itself. Besides, I need more “me” time. These comic books aren’t going to read themselves you know!

THE CHEESE STANDS ALONE! WELL, RECLINES ON THE SOFA WATCHING RERUNS ALONE ANYWAY.

So, after getting to the point where I’d be working out in some form or another five days a week and seeing no progress, I’ve finally admitted to the actual problem: I’m cursed and will have to sacrifice a goat to the full moon to lift it. Only with the forgiveness of almighty Zeus will the belly disappear! Well, that or it’s what I eat, which is why I’m actually trying to eat better. How much better? I’ve actually switched to turkey bacon. But I’ve got to research it more, because there’s got to be less-lame tasting turkey bacon than the brand I bought, which is like meaty-tasting rubber. I won’t say better, because it’s always going to be lame by comparison to real bacon. I’ve also cut out my candy snacking at work, my desserts are now fruit smoothies (with the oh-so-noticeable Greek yogurt) and actually went three whole days with no cheese. I even bought one of those books about healthy meal-eating (it unfortunately has oily muscled abs on the cover so it looks like I’m reading gay porn), but like most of those books it’s filled with shit you either don’t want to eat or looks too difficult to make no matter how simple they say it is. But I’ve figured out the key to the first: once you’ve given up the fun snacking you really enjoy (candy, cookies, cheese), you’re so fucking hungry that slices of avocado on toast sound good to you (yes, that’s a fucking breakfast recipe). But there’s one thing I just cannot get behind: the constant eating of nuts. Every other thing involves freaking almonds. Even the ad on the back over is for almonds! Fuck that! I agree with Emily from The Devil Wears Prada: what I need is a good stomach flu. Quick, effective and no real effort on my part.

AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!

The World Cup…ah, who the fuck cares?

RETURN OF THE MACK. NOT.

1. Shrek Forever After/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 25.3 Total/$ 183.0

2. Get Him To The Greek/Universal Wknd/$ 17.4 Total/$ 17.4

3. Killers/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 16.1 Total/$ 16.1

4. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time/Touch Wknd/$ 13.9 Total/$ 59.5

5. Sex & The City 2/WB Wknd/$ 12.7 Total/$ 73.4

6. Marmaduke/Fox Wknd/$ 11.3 Total/$ 11.3

7. Iron Man 2/Paramount Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 291.3

8. Splice/Warner Wknd/$ 7.5 Total/$ 7.5

9. Robin Hood/Universal Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 94.3

10. Letters to Juliet/ Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 43.3

WHAT’S UP WITH BITCHES, MAN?

Shrek Forever After holds at number one, followed by Get Him To The Greek, opening at number two and apparently it’s a rule that in any Judd Apatow production there must be a bitch girlfriend, ex-girlfriend or wife. It’s not a spoiler to reveal the reason Russell Brand is an out of control substance abuser is after 7 years of sobriety, his girlfriend became bored. He fell off the wagon, self-destructed and she left him to go bone other famous celebrities. Jonah Hill’s girlfriend is an exhausted resident at a hospital who unilaterally decides they are going to move to Seattle because there’s a program there she wants to be a part of and when he objects she calls for a break---only to later call him a cheater for being with other girls and demand a painful tribute in return. And if you don’t get it there, know that both female characters receive oral sex but never give anything back. Is that a bitch or what!?! Amirite, fellas? High five! I know the best art comes from pain or even revenge, but if you’re going to write about romance even as minor plot, you might want to do so after you’ve gotten a new girlfriend and over the last one. That said, this is basically a spin-off of Forgetting Sarah Marshall using versions of the characters played by Jonah Hill and Russell Brand. This is not only acknowledged in the credits, but there’s an appearance by Sarah Marshall and one of songs Russell Brand’s character plays here is the song from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I guess people realized both Sarah Marshall and her douche ex-boyfriend were not only the least interesting parts of the movie, but were fucking annoying and deserved each other, while the “Wild Man & The Straight Man” is a proven comic formula. Hill’s character here has been made a little more normal and little less obsequious towards his idol to provide the conflicts necessary for humor, such as the reluctant bacchanals in London, New York and Vegas. And while I mock the Apatow clan’s many flaws, especially when it pertains to women, they don’t flinch at some of the more unpleasant aspects if not flat out grosser aspects of people when they make their jokes. And not everything is tied up with a neat little bow at the end. Russell Brand’s mother is loving, but when her son needs words of encouragement they just don’t magically appear in her mouth. Brand isn’t out of control only when it’s funny, but when it’s annoying and damaging as well. He takes Jonah Hill’s trouble with his girlfriend from bad to worse by proposing a threesome she’s all too willing to do and when Brand attempts Jonah Hill’s very Pollyanna ideal attempts at reconciliation with his ex-girlfriend and his father, they both end badly (one incredibly so). But humorously so. Anytime Lars Ulrich gets called “a Danish twat” and P. Diddy gets hit by a car it’s always funny.

MR. & MRS. JONES

The Killers opens at number three and this is basically a textbook example of all that is wrong in Hollywood. Some jackass with a degree in business saw the success of Mr. & Mrs. Smith and decided “Hey, let’s get one too” which is why this has two very pretty leads, a brief early scene in an exotic local before retiring years later to seemingly mundane and then mayhem in the suburbs. The trappings are all there but with none of the core substance and it’s not like Mr. & Mrs. Smith was Citizen Kane to begin with. They didn’t bother to create actual characters to put through the ringer. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were both assassins, but she was a methodical professional while he was more a seat of his pants operative and that reflected their conflicts in the marriage itself. This doesn’t even have that. I couldn’t tell you a thing about their personalities because they don’t really have any. Katherine Heigl does her Type-A routine again (to her credit, she does it well) and Ashton Kutcher is her latest generic pretty boy leading man who does little more than be pretty. His attempts to be James Bond suave at the beginning are nothing short of laughable. It’s almost as if he’s learned the language phonetically, which is one thing when it’s his bad French and quite another when it’s English. It’s only when he comes back down to Michael Kelso-like exasperation with the situation he’s in that he’s even remotely believable or funny. You know when Tom Selleck (not to mention his mustache) is blowing you off the screen comically in a supporting role that you have a problem. But he’s got a definite character as does Catherine O’Hara who makes the most of her one note role as Heigl’s boozy mom. A better movie would have been about how this incredibly structured, humorless guy and this horny drunk got together to begin with and this is only emphasized by a supposed third act twist that any idiot could see coming. The movie is so ill defined I had no idea they were even supposed to be in Atlanta until halfway through and I’m from fucking Atlanta!

ONE FRANCHISE ASPIRATION & NO MOVIE

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is down to four and the director of this is Mike Newell, the man who brought us Four Weddings & A Funeral. I know, right? What the hell is he doing here? This is how bad the economy is when men like this are whoring themselves out to Jerry Bruckheimer. Well, at least we know where Alfred Molina’s funny character comes from.

BEEFCAKE! BEEFCAKE!

Sex & The City 2 is down to number five and it’s hysterical how much the men in this movie are just used to be eye candy. Smith Jarrod shows up pretty much to stand in the middle of the desert and take off his shirt. Anthony suddenly has a smoking hot younger brother for Samantha to bone and later she gets a hot older Danish guy for the same reason. And to top it off, The Australian Men’s Rugby Team shows up at the pool for slow motion ogling of their muscled bodies with no shortage of crotch close-ups. Can you even count how many times you’ve seen that in movies and on TV shows with women? CSI Miami is constantly filled with bikini shots to “establish” it’s Miami (because you clearly couldn’t get that from the title), but muscled men in trunks? Not so much.

WHAT GRANDPA WOULD LOVE TO SEE…IF HE COULD REMEMBER

Marmaduke opens at number six and no…just no. Is there a demand for family films using characters only 70-year-olds would know?

I PREFER BULLETS TO METAPHORS

Iron Man 2 is down to number seven, followed by Splice opening at number eight and as we all know, I don’t do the scary, even when it’s science fiction being properly utilized as a metaphor. Or as David Cronneberg so aptly put when describing the The Fly, “In every relationship, someone becomes the monster.” In this case, two scientists create a new life form that becomes a surrogate child for them with the resulting issues, including resentful non-working mother and most importantly, rebellious teen, which any parent will tell you is a horror story. It seems interesting enough and I like Sarah Polley and Adrian Brody as actors, but I’ll see him fighting Predators this summer and that’s enough.

EVEN THAT DISNEY FOX IS LAUGHING AT THIS

Robin Hood is down to number nine and at $266M worldwide from a $200M budget, this is hardly a rousing success. Why they thought anyone wanted to see a relatively humorless Robin Hood, lacking in either swash or buckle is beyond me. I don’t think he swings from a single rope this entire film. And you can forget about a sword duel in castle, which even Kevin Costner had the common sense to do.

SIR WHITEBREAD

Letters To Juliet closes out the top ten at number ten and also in this is Gael Garcia Bernal as the soon-to-be-single boyfriend. Wasn’t he supposed to be a romantic lead after Y Tu Mama Tambien? Shouldn’t he be the guy getting the girl? And at the very least it should have been to someone hot, not some guy who looks like mayonnaise given human form.

MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A MACK

So, I wound up at another party in Brooklyn after mercifully a week off from being social and while it was thankfully another lower-key Jezebel B party, some of the harder drinkers came round for this one, aka, writers. Just when you think, “Hey, everyone is leaving maybe we should go” they say, “Can I make you another mojito?” It would have been rude of me to refuse. And after the mojito and now you think everyone is going you hear “Hey, let’s open this bottle of champagne!” But the real highlight of the evening was a comedy of errors from a girl who made every conceivable bad decision you could make, but on gave out details piecemeal, which made it all the funnier. It went something like this:

“So a co-worker hit on me and I’m afraid it might make work weird.”

“Isn’t your boyfriend a co-worker?”

“Okay, weirder. But we were at this guy’s apartment…”

“Wait, you were where?”

“His apartment. We went there after the bar.”

“Why?”

“He’s a friend.”

“Um, okay. Then what?”

“Well, he put on that Claire Danes movie, Stardust. He loves it and knows it verbatim.”

“Wait. What?”

“Yeah. Anyway, at one point he did the ‘reach over’ for wine then leaned in. I let it go, but later in the bed…”

“Wait, what? In the bed? How’d you get in bed?”

“It was late and I’d been drinking and I didn’t want to get on the train. I said I’d take the couch, but he insisted.”

“Then joined you later?”

“Yeah, and tried again. But he bought brunch the next day.”

“Wait, what? You still went to brunch with a guy who did all this?”

“Yes. So, should I tell my boyfriend?”

It took her over an hour to tell this story, because every new detail was subject to non-stop ridicule and mocking by the group. It’s a good thing this guy was the most ineffective seduction artist ever (bringing a girl back to your place to watch Stardust? seriously?) because aside from the potentially unpleasant risk, she could also wind up being one of those girls who can’t understand why she spent all night having sex with someone other than her boyfriend. You know, One of those people who always preface something with, “I don’t know how it happened, but…” and then tells you they ended up in a threesome with a dwarf unveiling a laundry list of questionable decisions that any sane person could see were clearly leading to a threesome with a dwarf, but strangely this attractive girl (killing a purple dress) couldn’t see show a brokenhearted dude inviting her back to his apartment and putting on a romantic (supposedly) movie was leading up to him hitting on her. Now do you people believe me when I say I’m like this by choice (and sheer laziness)? Because it’s clearly not difficult.

DOESN’T VH1 DO AWARD SHOWS ANY LONGER FOR OLD PEOPLE?

I’m far, far, far too old to be watching the MTV Movie Awards, but here we go…Tom Cruise is the definition of “trying too hard” in pretty much everything he does and his Les Grossman character from Tropic Thunder is no exception, but other material in the bits are funny…do I really need to point out how the werewolf boy never seems to be with a girl?...I don’t watch Parks & Recreation, so the host’s appeal is lost on me and Justin Bieber should meet Leif Garrett for his own good…Chris Rock standing next to Adam Sandler, David Spade, Rob Schneider and Kevin James is proving that he either invests heavily in skin care or black truly does not crack…somewhere Kristen Stewart’s agent is screaming at her subtle diss of the franchise that made her famous…more Tom Cruise trying too hard, because the number from The Hangover was actually funny and him with JLo is funny for all the wrong reasons and actually a little bit sad…a new Harry Potter movie means nothing to me…I’m pretty sure Bradley Cooper and Jessica Biel need to make a movie where they get naked and fuck. A lot…this so-called instant hit from Katy Perry is like a candy that’s too sweet and like things that have too much sugar it’ll pass through your system faster than you think. And it’s as waste of time calling Snoop a whore. He crossed that river long ago…Sandra Bullock’s career is based upon America’s insatiable need for the utter mediocrity that is Julia Roberts…the funniest part of the Marky Mark and Will Ferrell bit is that one of the “fucks” slipped through…I can’t tell you how much I love the Kia commercial using Black Sheep’s “The Choice Is Yours”…how exactly is Angelina Jolie nominated for a movie that hasn’t come out yet? Oh, I forgot. This show is just one big summer movie promotion. Sorry. My bad…ah, Rain. I’m sorry these silly white girls don’t know who you are and ruined your joke…Jessica Alba and Vanessa Hudgins representing the “Not-Quite-White” hotties…is there anything sadder than an artist coming up with some sort of grand concept then watching it crash and burn? Don’t feel badly, Christina. Everyone tanks at least once. I hope there’s a nice ballad on your album to help make up for your tour being cancelled due to low sales…Peter Faccinelli gets a gold star for singing Dire Straits and acknowledging probably no one onstage had a clue to what he was doing…and I cannot believe I wasted an hour watching this on fast forward when I need to watch the entire last season of Burn Notice.

STORY OF MY LIFE

Well, because I wasted an entire hour watching that, I feel compelled to watch this weird show about a geek in high school with a giant penis. Seriously, how did this past muster? It opens up with him jerking off in bed! And he actually pops because his mom comes in and strokes the covers not knowing what’s going on under them? I’m trying to think about what MTV was like when I was a teenager, but then I remember all they showed was videos. I gave this a shot but when the Asian girl spoke no English and the sound of a gong was used…it was time to go. Maybe if I were 15 this would be the greatest show ever, but I doubt it. 12. It’d be great if I were 12. Okay, maybe 10…

SAND, SWORDS AND SEX!

1. Shrek Forever After/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 43.4 Total/$ 133.2

2. Sex & The City 2/WB Wknd/$ 31.1 Total/$ 45.4

3. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time/Touch Wknd/$ 30.1 Total/$ 30.1

4. Iron Man 2/Paramount Wknd/$ 16.3 Total/$ 274.9

5. Robin Hood/Universal Wknd/$ 10.3 Total/$ 83.0

6. Letters to Juliet/ Wknd/$ 5.9 Total/$ 36.6

7. Just Wright/FoxSearchlight Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 18.1

8. Date Night/Fox Wknd/$ 1.8 Total/$ 93.5

9. MacGruber/Universal Wknd/$ 1.6 Total/$ 7.2

10. How To Train Your Dragon/Para Wknd/$ 1.1 Total/$ 212.7

AND HE DOES IT WITH THAT SAME SCOTTISH BROGUE

Shrek Forever After holds at number one and it’s also a holdover from the days when Mike Meyers was a comedy god who could do no wrong. Do you think he calls up Tina Fey drunk and warns her it won’t last?

SINBAD AND THE CITY

Sex & The City 2 opens at number two and unlike it seems 99% percent of the fucking world, I didn’t see this and witness the destruction of western civilization. The show was 90% fluff and 10% lip service to something real. Yes, the movies have upped the budget on the fluff to the point where it’s almost another character rather than just the garnishment it once was, but until I see “adapted from The Feminine Mystique” in the credits, I’m really not expecting a whole lot of depth here. And the other big complaint is “cultural insensitivity.” What, you mean like 40 fucking years of James Bond films showing us how the whitest of white men can come into your country, kick your ass and fuck your women? Funny how I don’t hear any whining about that. No one was sticking up for Peru being a weak and corrupt government when Quantum of Silence came out. No one complained how there was an Arab literally just waiting for an opportunity to blow something up in Casino Royale. Seriously, is anyone truly shocked that a film about four incredibly privileged white American women has them acting like four incredibly privileged white American women when they visit another country!?! This is little more than a Crosby/ Hope road movie with fucking added to it. Last time they wound up in Mexico, this time The Middle East, next time probably Japan, because it’s a fashion hub and they already hit Paris on the show. If there’s any real flaw here it’s the destruction of the character of Samantha who was always over-the-top comic relief on the show, but we’re supposed to believe that a woman who has created her own successful business is going to blow the opportunity to work for a billionaire who also supports her ex-boyfriend client, because she can’t keep her legs closed and is oblivious to the cultural differences between America and the fucking middle-east? And they only use her for the cheapest of jokes. “Lawrence of my labia?” Seriously!?! That’s the best they could do!?! And where is this great respect for Middle Eastern culture coming from anyway, given the shit I’ve heard since 9/11. Is this how we ease our liberal guilt at all the crap we’ve otherwise let slide by attacking a deliberately silly and over-the-top summer movie? Sarah Jessica Parker must pay for the sins of Keifer Sutherland? Check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self.

SOMEWHERE TOBY MAGUIRE IS LAUGHING

In a triumph for geeks everywhere, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time opens at number three, showing that Toby Maguire is a better box office draw than his prettier doppelganger, Jake Gyllenhaal (that they’ve played brothers is perfect casting). Yeah, you can throw Brokeback Mountain around all you want, but what Jake needs is a mainstream moneymaker to back up seeming years of immeasurate fame. Let’s face it: he’s mostly known for dating famous women like Reese Witherspoon and Kirsten Dunst…Toby Maguire’s ex. Clearly Jerry Bruckheimer thought he could capture the lighting in a bottle of Pirates of the Caribbean with a video game, forgetting that what made those films was Johnny Depp, not Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley---who could have easily have been swapped out for Jake Gyllenhaal and Emma Arterton without changing the film an iota. But closest we get to a Johnny Depp character is Alfred Molina as a tax-hating outlaw, who acts like he was brought in from a Monty Python film At any moment I expected him to start talking about the violence inherent in the system. What they’ve tried to do is combine the Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom characters into one and it’s clearly not working. There’s also the lack of a decent bad guy. Ben Kingsley is a good actor, but is merely asked to look sinister for two hours, whereas Geoffrey Rush was allowed to chew up the scenery a little. And while I’ve never played the Prince of Persia game, was this really a better bet than simply making it Sinbad and The Sands of Time? Sorry, but jumping from building to building---which is the painfully uninteresting shtick of the character---is no match for some big ass monsters. But they’d have to recast the female lead, because Sinbad was also about cleavage, not incredibly hot English voices.

THE YOUNG ARE SURPRISINGLY HARD TO KILL

Iron Man 2 is down to number three and once again guest commentary from someone younger, prettier and more talented than myself, we’ll call her Geek Girl The Next Generation:

Iron Man 2 was like having sex on the last leg of a Viagra high. The film starts off strong, but then lags in the middle and just when you suspect it might get a second wind and finish the job, it peters out. Afterwards there’s nothing left to do but to get up, go to the kitchen, pour yourself some scotch, grab a piece of leftover chicken from the fridge, and tell it you need to be up in four hours (not that this has ever happened to me). As it goes with a lot of sequels to superhero movies, one of the writers (in this case, Justin Theroux) gets trigger-happy while hopped up on old Marvel Comics, Adderall and keyboard cleaner. Instead of using the “one villain plus one personal conflict” (two if one’s incidental) formula that usually works with the best movies in the genre (see Spider-Man 2, X-Men 2), he feels the need to incorporate all six hundred story arcs into one movie (see Spider-Man 3, X-Men: The Last Stand). But just because you can doesn’t mean you should---messy things happen when you try to switch from doggy style to Blossoming Lotus to reverse cowgirl in rapid succession (once again, not that this has ever happened to me). Tony Stark is doing the old “I’m dying so I’ll keep it secret and be reckless” routine, so he has to figure out how to stop the palladium core in his reactor from poisoning him…AND he has to fight the government to keep his Iron Man technology…AND he has to fight against an arms dealer nemesis with a vendetta…AND he has to fight a Russian physicist thug…AND he has to fight the arms dealer and Russian physicist thug when they join forces and try to take him down but then the Russian physicist thug double crosses the arms dealer and tries to blow up Queens…AND he has to deal with Nick Fury trying to recruit him…AND he has to decipher some cryptic message from Roger Sterling (John Slattery from Mad Men appears as Tony Stark’s dad)…AND he still has to do general Iron Man shit…AND he has to mitigate the randomness of having DJ AM in the movie, and the resulting awkwardness about his randomness because he’s dead. See? That was a hell of a lot to read. And a lot of the time watching the film was like reading the above while Mickey Rourke breathes down your neck, hoping to snatch the cut crusts from your sandwich to feed to his pack of tiny dogs in a shanty off of La Brea. Iron Man 2 wasn’t a terrible movie, but it could’ve benefited from subplot editing—two hours is not long enough to give everything they tried to toss into this movie the time it deserved (and I didn’t even mention the horribly cast Scarlet Johansson). And after all that exhaustion and letdown, you’re not sure it’s worth grabbing that pack of Marlboro Reds off the nightstand for a post-coitus smoke (never. happened. to. me.).

THIS ONLY MATTERS IF YOU’RE NOT USING TIGHTS

Robin Hood is down to number five and one interesting aspect of this film is that Prince John is actually right when he blames his mother for her unquestioned support of Richard as he went Crusading, which has left the country bankrupt. He’s wrong about how he tries to deal with it, but right about whose fault it is. Also there’s a concern about the army coming home and how it might be better not to disband them because then you’d have a large force of military trained men whom you cannot pay inside the country. There’s even a moment at the beginning of the film when Robin winds up in a stockade because he was honest with King Richard about the immorality of The Crusades. But attention to realistic details is abandoned for more black-and-white adventure morality, which makes you wonder why they bothered to bring it up in the first place.

NEED A DATE MOVIE?

Letters To Juliet is down to number six, followed by Just Wright at number seven and Date Night at number eight.

I BLAME OLIVER STONE

MacGruber is down to number nine and also in this is Val Kilmer and remember when he was a leading man? Me too, as I’m sure, so does he. Both he and Robert Downey Jr. were great in Kiss, Kiss Bang Bang, but only one of them got a superhero franchise that makes the most of his utter weirdness. Of course, Kilmer is 50-fucking-years old, so his options are limited. He had his shot with Batman, but had the misfortune of Joel Schumacher as the director.

THE END

Finally, How To Train Your Dragon closes out the top ten at number ten.

DEATH NEEDS MORE ENTERTAINMENT

Death continues to take a few celebrities a week and you know Mickey Rooney is praying for a visit, but instead Art Linkletter gets his turn, as does one of The Temptations replacement singers, Ali-Ollie Woodson (he replaced Dennis Edwards who was brought in after David Ruffin and Eddie Kendricks left) and Gary Coleman and Dennis Hopper, both of whom had been suffering in their own ways for years.

GODS STILL WALK THE EARTH

You are fortunately to live in a time where Tracey Thorn (late of Everything But The Girl) and Shelby Lynne (late of absolute fucking greatness) release albums on the same day so you’d better make the most of it, you tasteless muthafuckas.