STRIKE TWO!

1. Toy Story 3/Disney Wknd/$ 59.0 Total/$ 226.6

2. Grown Ups/Sony Wknd/$ 41.0 Total/$ 41.0

3. Knight & Day/Fox Wknd/$ 20.5 Total/$ 27.8

4. The Kung Fu Kid/Sony Wknd/$ 15.4 Total/$ 135.6

5. The A-Team/Fox Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 62.8

6. Get Him To The Greek/Universal Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 54.5

7. Shrek Forever After/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 2.9 Total/$ 229.3

8. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time/Touch Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 86.2

9. Killers/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 44.0

10. Jonah Hex/WB Wknd/$ 1.6 Total/$ 9.1

THE EXCEPTION, NOT THE RULE

Toy Story 3 holds at number one giving false hope to the idea that well-made films can be incredibly successful. Note that this has made as much in two weeks than Shrek 4 has made in six. Sadly, this means nothing.

ART IMITATING LIFE

Grown Ups opens at number two and I don’t see Adam Sandler films. They’re just not very good and worse yet, not very funny (Happy Gilmore being the exception that proves the rule). The rest? Crap. His name is simply not conducive to good comedy and I don’t see Chris Rock or David Spade mitigating that given their movies suck too. The massive pratfalls shown in the commercial with Kevin James (clearly in the role Chris Farley would have played had he lived this long) showed how the word “subtle” still isn’t something that’s occurred to Sandler or his usual cohorts who usually write and direct his movies with him. But at least he’s honest about Salma Hayek being cast as his wife, playing a character that’s rich and successful. Otherwise we’re just watching science fiction. In fact, it mirrors both their lives in that in reality he married a beautiful Latina and she married an ugly rich guy.

SOMEWHERE VING RHAMES WAITS FOR THE CALL FOR MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4

Knight & Day opens at number three and $20M is far from a bad opening, but when you’re Tom Cruise it’s your worst opening in twenty years. That’s how big a star he is; his failures would be a success for anyone else. This is the second attempt to cash in on Mr. & Mrs. Smith in as many months and the second failure, though it is better than The Killers (but a half-decent episode of Hart to Hart is better than The Killers). The main reason it’s better is that it’s pretty much a remake of The In-Laws in which an average person gets mixed up with a slightly loony CIA agent. In this case the average person is Cameron Diaz, but the fact that it’s more like The In-Laws than Mr. & Mrs. Smith should tell you something about the level of “romance” in this would-be “romantic action comedy.” Again, someone saw Mr. & Mrs. Smith and thought “Two pretty stars, some guns and foreign locales and we’ve got a hit.” That whole “chemistry between stars and good director” was lost on them utterly. Doug Liman directed Mr. & Mrs. Smith and before that he did the The Bourne Identity and showed he was capable of mixing genres as far back as Go, which had an utterly unexpected and hysterical action sequence in the middle of it. Like far too many aging megastars, Cruise tends to lean towards directors he can control like James Mangold here, who is behind lackluster star-heavy movies like the 3:10 to Yuma remake, Kate & Leopold, Walk The Line and Girl Interrupted. None bad, but none very good either. And as far as star chemistry goes, Cruise really doesn’t really doesn’t have it with any woman, Vanessa Redgrave in Mission Impossible being the only exception and that was 99% her acting like she was ready to unhinge her jaw and swallow him whole.

MAYBE MICHELE YEOH COULD MAKE THAT MOVIE WITH HER

The Kung Fu Kid is down to number four and while we’re watching the struggle of Will Smith’s spawn (he ain’t your kid, Jada) to assimilate, I couldn’t help but wonder what the hell is mom going through as a Black woman in corporate Asia? Are we supposed to think she’s just cruising? Apparently so. Maybe she’s got a parallel struggle and gets a woman there teaching her corporate kung-fu and it climaxes at a big presentation at the end. Nah, I wouldn’t see that either.

MY MOVIE DOLLAR DON’T WANT NONE UNLESS SHE’S GOT BUNS, HON

The A-Team is down to number five and also in this is the current possessor of Best Ass On A White Girl, Jessica Biel. Sorry to play the race card, but you just don’t see back on mainstream white girl celebrity like that. Athletes and dancers? Sure. Porn? Every day. Music videos? Sure, because it’s usually filled with strippers who will be porn stars or dancers. But your average celeb is built like a stick with tits. Think Angelina Jolie. Magnificent rack, but after that she’s built like a 10-year-old boy. But talk about wasting an asset. Bradley Cooper is shirtless for the first half hour, but if you’re looking for Jessica Biel in tight pants or a thong, look elsewhere. Hell, even dumbass Adam Sandler knew enough to put her in an underwear scene in his crappy movie.

I’D SAY SOMETHING WITH REESE WITHERSPOON, BUT…

Get Him To The Greek is down to number six, followed by Shrek Forever After at number seven, giving Cameron Diaz two lackluster films in the top ten, suggesting Lucy Liu’s hope for a third Charlie’s Angels is getting closer to reality. Prince of Persia is down to number eight and it’s made over $200M…overseas. Yes, in the tradition of Troy a disappointing movie is being saved from complete failure by overseas viewers who aren’t nearly as picky. It’ll never be described as a hit, but that $200M has made sure it at least made its money back. Sorry, Jake. Looks like it’s lame-ass romantic comedy time for you.

MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, SHIT FLOATS

The Killers is down to number nine and Ashton Kutcher would have been better off in Knight & Day with Cameron Diaz. At least then they wouldn’t have to keep hiding the fact that she towers over Tom Cruise. Not to mention, that What Happens In Vegas actually made money. No, I’m not kidding. It did. It only cost $35M and made $219M worldwide. That’s some extra cheese on your whopper.

THE END

Finally, Jonah Hex closes out the top ten and remember kids: the next time someone tells you what your character needs is magical powers, punch him in the fucking face.

SING, SING A SONG…

The problem with friends is that they lead to more friends, which is how palling around with the Jezebel girls led me to karaoke on Friday night in K-town, which is that small patch of Korean restaurants and clubs in the 30’s west of 5^th Avenue. This was organized by the boyfriend of one of the Jezebel girls who included me amongst their real friends (i.e., not made on the internet) for their latest karaoke excursion. Fortunately, it was one of those places that are not only BYOB, but also BYOF and once I’d downed a slice of pizza and at least two beers in rapid succession I was comfortable making an utter fool of myself, starting with Jermaine Stewart’s “We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off.” And while others were very complimentary, in my mind I only heard screeching, especially by the end of the night when my voice gave out. Fortunately, I’m pretty sure everyone was too drunk to tell. Given that the giant bottle of sake was empty as was the liter of Absolut Brooklyn vodka and many six packs and few bottles of champagne, I’m pretty sure I was beneficiary of “beer headphones” even from that one person in all karaoke crowds, who takes it a little too seriously, begrudging the bad singers when everyone knows bad singing is 99% of the fun. That’s why we’re drinking, goddamnit! Not to mention if someone was truly bombing, someone would pick up the second mike and help out. But there was more fun at the end when we came out of our room into a crowd of 20-something Asians leaving as well---if the two fighting girls would let them. They were trying to physically separate them, before in the proud tradition of dudes everywhere, the men just gave up and left and the two drunk girls who ultimately just cried it out together in the corner. Down in the street we met the guys who were both amused and annoyed with all drama from two girls they’d just met that night. Amused for obvious reasons, annoyed because it’s hard to bed a drama queen on the first night, even if she’s drunk. I was supposed to go someone’s karaoke birthday party the next night (again, a woman I met through a Jezebel), but my Tom Waits voice the next morning as well my hangover made it clear that wasn’t going to happen.

AND THEN HE TOLD ME MY OUTFIT SUCKED

I haven’t done this for awhile, but the summer has brought out the celebs and at one point I thought I was on they subway with Martha Plimpton---but when I actually saw her riding her bike on the West Side path I realized that wasn’t the case. Ben Stiller was schlubby as you could imagine in person in front of the AOL Time Warner Center and despite the 90 degree temperature Saturday, Tim Gunn was looking as cool as a cucumber in his dark blue pinstriped suit, leaving the New School Design School on appropriately enough “Fashion Avenue.”