STARRING BRAD PITT AS BRUCE LEE!

1. 21/Sony Wknd/$ 23.7 Total/$ 23.7
2. Horton Hears A Who/Fox Wknd/$ 17.4 Total/$ 117.3
3. Superhero Movie/MGM Wknd/$ 9.5 Total/$ 9.5
4. Meet The Browns/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 32.8
5. Drillbit Taylor/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 20.6
6. Shutter/ Fox Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 19.1
7. 10,000 B.C./Warner Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 84.9
8. Stop Loss/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 4.5
9. College Road Trip/Touchstone Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 38.4
10. The Bank Job/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 24.1

CRAPPED OUT
21 opens at number one and I could give a royal shit about this “based on a true story” movie, because as we all know, I don’t like caper, heist or con-artist movies. But an additional annoyance is how much they changed the facts. See, this was actually done by a group of kids that were primarily Asian, specifically the team leader (Jeff Ma, who actually has a cameo in the film). Now this speaks to a lot in America. First, the need to change it the whitest people you could find (James Burgess, who is English and it doesn’t get whiter than that) and second that they felt free to change it with no backlash. If it had been a Black guy, all hell would have broken loose and they would have had protesters, but they know the Asian American community isn’t as vocal or belligerent. I guess it’s somewhat mitigated by that fact that, if all you’re looking for is an Asian body onscreen there’s an entire industry of it on the other side of the world. However, if you’re an Asian American male looking for something beyond martial arts, you’re kinda fucked. Then again, do you really want the only movie with an Asian American male lead to basically be about how good Asians are at numbers? I think I’d rather have people assume I could jump up and kick them in the head rather than assume I can automatically figure out how much the tip was every time we went out.

UP NEXT: DRAMATIC MOVIE
Horton Hears A Who is down to number two, followed by Superhero Movie at number three and yes, this is from one of the writers of Scary Movie 3 & 4. These people are quickly becoming a viral plague of cinema, cranking out these things every other month and I’m sorry but that doesn’t suggest a whole lot of quality. Now, I’d be lying if I said the superhero angle didn’t temp me, but the moment I saw Leslie Nielsen, Pam Anderson and Tracy Morgan I knew that hilarity was the last thing that would ensue. It all comes down to the trailer. How many jokes did they throw at me and how often did I laugh as opposed to how often I rolled my eyes? I laughed at the woman being thrown into the woodchipper and the nail gun to the hand, but everything else was eye-rolling in its lameness, from him breakdancing on the wall to Pamela Anderson as The Invisible Girl. I may watch this on cable in a year. Maybe.

PLAYING GOOFY COUSIN #3 WILL PAY YOUR CABLE BILL
Tyler Perry’s Meet The Browns is down to number four and oddly enough this is almost the low-rent version of Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins (both involve people going to their families in the south for some sort of spiritual renewal). If you’re a black actor and didn’t get a job in at least one of them you might as well pack your shit and go back home to Kansas, because there was obviously work out there to be had. Unless, you know, you wanted to be in something good. But beggars can’t be choosers. You think Don Cheadle wanted to be in Meteor Man? No, he most certainly did not. So, suck it up. Pretend Martin Lawrence is funny and that Tyler Perry is straight and get that job!

DON’T OVERSHADOW YOUR LEADING MAN LITTERALLY OR FIGURATIVELY
Drillbit Taylor is down to number five and also in this is a personal favorite of mine, Beth Littleford whom you before-the-bandwagon fans might remember as a cast member of The Daily Show, there even before Jon Stewart joined. Yes, Virginia, there was a Daily Show before Jon Stewart and while not as politically oriented it was still funny. You also might know her as Cameron’s equally crazy lover on Spin City (he’ll always be Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off To Me) or the neighbor on Red & Meth, the sitcom Red Man and Method Man once had. I’m glad to see she’s working and she probably deserved the lead female role moreso than the producer’s wife, but I think she may be taller than Owen Wilson so you know how that’s going to end.

EVEN THE PRETTY BRUSSEL SPROUT WITH CURLY BLONDE HAIR
Shutter is down to number six, followed by 10,000 BC at number seven and Stop Loss opening at number eight and while I will give director Kimberly Pierce credit for making a movie more from the heart that other films about the Iraq war (her teenage brother is in the military) the issue remains that no one really wants to see this right now. It’s like food; it doesn’t matter how well made the brussel sprouts are, no one really wants to eat a brussel sprout and no one really likes an anti-war film in the middle of wartime. It’s just depressing. And I don’t care how many pretty boys you throw into your movie either, which is the case here with Ryan Philippe and Channing Tatum. Even for you girls off the beaten path there’s Joseph Gordon Leavitt. But no matter what, a happy ending is not on the menu here. This is the director who brought you Boys Don’t Cry, so shits & giggles was never, ever the plan.

THE END
College Road Trip is down to number nine, followed by The Bank Job wrapping up the top ten at number ten.

‘ENRY THE 8TH I AM STILL
The Tudors is back in all its incredibly trashy fun. I think it says all you need to know about me that I never watched The Sopranos, but have never missed an episode of this nonsense. Sam Neil is gone but in his place to chew up the scenery is none other than Peter O’Toole and he is as wonderful as always. You want the show to be more about him than Jonathan Rhys Meyer’s petulant king. See, unlike the others (but like Sam Neil), Peter O’Toole has been in enough crappy movies to know how to play trash to at least make it fun.

“WHO WANTS A TITTYFULL OF BEER!?!”
So, I wound up out with the ladies from Jezebel, not once but twice this weekend. The first night was Friday and we wound up at a BYOB karaoke place near the Empire State Building. And BYOB wound up being everything from the 12 pack of Corona I brought, to some weird pink fruity liquor we did as shots, to wine, to more beer, to Mike’s Hard Lemonade, to cheap champagne to my final undoing: Patron. Yes, my mistress tequila made her presence known and because we were so classy, when we ran out of cups, the only two other people drinking it and myself just began to take shots from the bottle. This led to me apparently not just agreeing to go to the New York ComicCon next month (damn tequila!), but I also did a rendition of Nick Gilder’s “Hot Child In The City,” duetted with the Mucha-tattooed girl (who also has a Dark Phoenix tattoo below that one) on “Bring It All To Me” by Blaque and JC Chasez of N’Sync (she said it took her back to high school and I decided not to mention it took me back to my late 30’s) and I wrapped it up with Montell Williams’ “This Is How We Do It.” Fortunately, for that last one everyone was good and drunk and singing along so it really didn’t matter. The key to good karaoke is booze. Sober people trying to sing are just annoying bring-downs. After the room time ended, we headed to a bar on the Lower East Side, but it wasn’t that great, so along with a few others, I headed out---but I’m sure I was the only one who stop to buy a comic book on the way home (All Star Superman is amazing even while intoxicated). The next night was a barbeque in Brooklyn at the home of the lawyer. She’s barely in her 30’s but owns her two bedroom duplex, so in case you were feeling bad about your life and the choices you’ve made, there’s some more salt for the wound. I dislike going to Brooklyn and every time I forget why, a little trip like this reminds me. Can you say “track work?” Oh, yeah. First the train I needed wasn’t running and the one in its place was going at half-fucking-speed. The end result? A 40-minute trip took more than twice that. It was more of the usual suspects from the previous night, though some were tired having not gotten in until 6:00 am that morning. Not that it slowed anyone down. I thought the two bottles of wine I brought might have been too much, but I needn’t have worried as they were both popped open around midnight. Also, at one point half the room disappeared to get their smoke on in the basement. At least two of the girls had roots in Minnesota so there was a brief spate of Prince stories that only natives would hear on a regular basis. I have to admit I was impressed that the kids are well aware of the Prince catalog. It’s one thing to know “Little Red Corvette” or “1999” but to know the words to the second hit “I Wanna Be Your Lover” shows some knowledge. One of the Minnesota girls had been doing the Patron hits with me the night before and revealed she knew one of the guys who’d been on VH1’s “White Rapper” show. She then showed us his video “Tittyfull Of Beer” online, which I will now share with you:

Around 1:30 it began to break down, mainly because the lawyer was still working all weekend and had to get up (the price you pay for that duplex). But before that, it was made abundantly clear why I hang with chicks. Minnesota Tequila had her iPod playing and Robyn S. came up singing “Show Me Life” and in one weird moment the entire room started singing it---me included. The more I think of it, the more disturbed by it I am. Maybe I should be nicer to the dudes on the geek websites so I can hang out with them.

MISS-ED OPPORTUNITY
Miss Guided has been running for two weeks now and while I’ve always been a fan of Judy Greer and have said so here many times (she’s played the best friend to Jennifer Lopez, Katherine Heigel, David Duchovny, Jennifer Garner and also played Orlando Bloom’s sister), I’ve got mixed feelings about the show. I mean, it’s funny, there’s no question about that. She’s got Chris Parnell doing excellent support as the moronic vice principal. But that’s where the problem lies. What comedy about high school doesn’t have a moronic vice principal? She plays the neurotic guidance counselor at the same high school she once attended and every episode is about one of her neurosises creeping to the surface, leading to an embarrassing moment for her until the heartwarming conclusion where her embarrassing incident serves to help one of her students (the latest was a photo of her going commando being shown on the web). Also there’s the somewhat lunkhead teacher she has a crush on (autoshop teacher turned inept Spanish teacher) and there’s hot teacher who attended high school there with her and was the most popular girl in school. Of course she remains a shallow bitch to this day. Sorry, but there are just too many clichés going on here. God forbid she not be a neurotic mess or that the former cheerleader not be a total bitch or that maybe, just maybe, they might have gotten over high school at this points and could be friends. It’s still funny enough to watch and obviously I like her, but she still deserves a better vehicle and having been on Arrested Development (she played Kitty the secretary who kept flashing Jason Bateman), she knows what that feels like.

WHY BODYGUARD?

1. Horton Hears A Who/Fox Wknd/$ 25.1 Total/$ 86.5
2. Meet The Browns/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 20.1 Total/$ 20.0
3. Shutter/ Fox Wknd/$ 10.7 Total/$ 10.7
4. Drillbit Taylor/Paramount Wknd/$ 10.2 Total/$ 10.2
5. 10,000 B.C./Warner Wknd/$ 8.7 Total/$ 76.1
6. Never Back Down/Sum. Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 16.8
7. College Road Trip/Touchstone Wknd/$ 4.6 Total/$ 32.0
9. Vantage Point/Sony Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 65.3
8. The Bank Job/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 19.4
10.Under The Same Moon/Wein Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 3.3

DIE, CARREY, DIE!
Horton Hears A Who holds at number one pretty much guaranteeing us even further horrendous Dr. Suess adaptations into needless full-length films---and Jim Carrey will probably be in all of them. The sad thing is when he first did this he was at his peak and it was the lark of the A-lister who chooses to do a children’s film. That’s why Steve Carell is doing it now. However, for Jim Carrey it’s now stopping a career slide. I mean, they aren’t advertising Seth Rogan in this because Jim Carrey can carry it by himself. I’m just letting you all know right now: if they fuck with “Go, Dog, Go!” I’m getting a rooftop and a rifle because that’s messing with my childhood in a way I just cannot forgive.

PRIDE GOETH BEFORE THE FALL
Meet The Browns opens at number two and while I love Angela Bassett I can’t help but think this is karmic payback for her being a total bitch about Halle Berry willing the Best Actress Oscar. Yes, we all know you should have been the first Black woman to win for What’s Love Got to do with it, but there were enough sour grapes from you to fill a wine vat. And she married (and by “marriage” I mean that in the Tom Cruise sense) an equal douchebag in Courtney Vance, who once whined about losing a role to the Denzel Washington of TV, Blair Underwood, pretty much saying they went for the less-talented performer. Maybe they wanted someone good looking who could convey actual heterosexuality, Courtney. Now, Halle makes $10-15M a film and Angela is doing chiltlin’ films with a closet-case who likes to dress up in drag pretty much every chance he gets. I hate to get snobbish, because there’s lot of absolute shit out there that I love, but my shit pretty much knows it’s shit. Doomsday was like a really messy, half-melted sundae with everything under the sun thrown into it, but it knew that with every action movie cliché it threw at you. It didn’t pretend to be the finest cinema. But Tyler Perry actually thinks he’s saying something when he throws his lame clichés at you. Needless to say, I didn’t see this. I can’t watch Tyler Perry’s shit. Whenever I try to it’s so fucking awful, my stomach fires gastric acid up into my brain to wipe it clean of the offense and I spend two days trying to remember my childhood as the neurons grow back.

IN THE MEANTIME KATIE HOLMES LIVES THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN
Shutter opens at number three and isn’t this post-The Ring spate of Japanese horror remakes over yet? You can blame Sarah Michelle Gellar for this one, because just when it was about over, complete with the failure of the The Ring 2, along comes The Grudge to make a little money and keep this train running. But they are seriously scraping the bottom of the teen-TV barrel to drag Pacey into it. How long ago was Dawson’s Creek? And he’s not even the lead. Apparently, they have flat out exhausted the casts of every teen soap ever for the female lead to use this no-name blonde last seen in Transformers. What’s that you say, you don’t remember a blonde in Transformers? Only a smoking hot brunette? Well, there was one. She was the scientist, remember? Stop laughing. That’s the role she played. And considering this is about a dead Japanese girl looking for revenge but involving pictures and not an apartment, you might as well call it The Photoshop Grudge.

THE BUTTERSCHOTCH STALLION TRIES AGAIN
Drillbit Taylor opens at number four and the first time I heard the plot of this I couldn’t stop laughing because in the description I read the kids actually hired a real mercenary, though obviously second rate. Now that’s funny. However, it was either wrong or changed to Owen Wilson now being a con artist only pretending to be a bodyguard. Sorry, the version in my mind was funnier (though that “Mexican Judo” line is pretty good). Also, it didn’t have Owen Wilson in it, so that’s another plus. This is also from the Apatow factory if the presence of yet another fat kid with a jew-fro wasn’t your first clue. And yes, I’m gonna rag on the fugly little kids. Why? Because these fugly little bastards all want and usually get conventionally attractive girls, that’s why. Where’s the smart, funny, chunky chick who wins their hearts? But why should Judd Apatow compromise in the movies? He didn’t in real life. His wife did that for him. In fact, it’s a betrayal of the Apatow audience to have someone who looks like Owen Wilson as your lead who gets the girl. I guess Seth Rogen must have been busy working on Horton Hears A Who to take the role. Or Apatow’s wife decided since she had compromised in real life for him she wasn’t going to do it on film too, as her husband in Knocked Up was thinking girl’s sex symbol, Paul Rudd. Owen Wilson will undoubtedly be blamed for this not opening better because he refused to do press to help promote it and let’s face it, you don’t see anyone else in that poster do you? He’s the product they’re selling. But I can see why. Who’s going to ask about this movie when there’s an attempted suicide and Kate Hudson to discuss?

YES, THE 80’S WERE A LONG, LONG TIME AGO
10,000 B.C. is down to number five followed by Never Back Down at number six and why exactly isn’t Jean Claude Van Damme in this? What the hell is his 50-year-old ass doing that he can’t be in a movie that’s actually released in theaters? I sooo would have see it if he’d played the old instructor teaching the kid. I’m just not buying Djimon Himsou as an ass kicker. In my mind he’s still that guy dancing in the desert for Janet Jackson. Believe it or not both Jean Claude and Dolph Lundgren are still making direct to video action movies on a regular basis, though not together. I guess Universal Soldier was enough of collaboration for them. That one actually had three sequels, though two of them straight-to-video with no one less than Burt Reynolds. Jean Claude came back for number four with workout queen, Kiana Tom and Goldberg. I know far too much shit about shit.

USUALLY IT’S THE BROCCOLI YOU SWORE YOU’D EAT
College Road Trip is down to number seven, followed by The Bank Job at number eight and Vantage Point at number nine, still hanging around like that bad smell in your fridge even after you threw the rotten food away.

MY COUNTRY TIS OF THEE/SWEET LAND OF LOVING TV/OF THEE I SING…
Finally, Under One Moon, opens at number ten and this is nonetheless impressive for a foreign language film almost no one has heard of. I love Ugly Betty like anyone, but does America Ferrara really have that kind of pull to get people into a kids trying to smuggle himself into LA to find his mom? In a supporting role no less? I’m thinking not. What’s really sad is that more people wanted to see this than see Doomsday, which actually fell out of the top ten after one week to number eleven. What has a America come to when a heartwarming tale of immigrants (not even in English) beats out shit blowing up with hot chicks and fast cars?

I COULD NEVER BE A HIT THEATRICAL RELEASE
Released on DVD last month after a long and protracted struggle was I Could Never Be your Woman, starring Michelle Pfeiffer and Paul Rudd as yes, her love interest. She’s the producer/writer of a Beverly Hills 90210–type show called “You Go Girl” who falls for a young actor on the show played by Rudd. Because it’s a movie about woman, written by a woman, the age difference is the story, whereas if a man wrote it about a man it would never come up. And the age difference wouldn’t be a mere 11 years like here. It’d be a nice Harrison Ford/Michael Douglas two decades. And only a woman would cast Jon Lovitz as the ex-husband of Michelle Pfeiffer and mother of her child. Now there was a story in Entertainment Weekly about a month ago about the long voyage this took to release and why it didn’t make it to the big screen, but it can really be summed up in five little words: Tracy Ullman as Mother Nature. That’s right, Tracy Ullman plays Mother Nature who rags on Michelle Pfeiffer speaks to throughout the film for dating a younger man because it’s against her plan. Aside from being unfunny and annoying, if you took her out of the movie it would change not one iota, so this is the worst type of creative indulgence. Also in the movie is Saoirse Ronan of Atonement as her daughter, continuing the British shaming of Americans with her spot-on American accent. She’s just hitting puberty and discovering boys and actually makes for the more interesting parts of the film. It’s needed because they really give no depth to Paul Rudd’s character. He’s just good-natured and fun and that’s it. No more, no less. A pure fantasy character just like a younger girl would be in a movie with a guy, bringing no baggage and only wanting to give love. This was directed by Amy Heckerling and I think it’s safe to say she needs help with her work. Her best films Fast Times At Ridgemont High and Clueless both came from original work by other, better, writers. Here she’s on her own and it shows. There’s a strong feminist message popping up throughout, but in the end when here daughter finally catches the attention of a boy she likes, she then pretends to be dumb for him. What the fuck? Nice soundtrack though. The film’s title comes from the song “Your Woman” by White Town.

ENTER THE DRAGGIN’…OF MY LAZY, FAT ASS
So I decided to start looking for a martial arts school again. Basically, I refuse to buy pants a size up. I’d rather fucking jog than suffer that and I fucking hate jogging. So rather than jog I called another taekwondo school for another free class. This one was again on the Upper West Side. Actually up near where I used to live. I miss the UWS. It’s where people actually live, not big on visitors beyond the museums on Central Park West. If there’s one problem I have with Hell’s Kitchen it’s all the fucking tourists all the time. Tourists have no need to be on West End Avenue (where I’d kill to live) ever. The class was strenuous enough that I felt dizzy and light-headed on more than one occasion, and as racist as it sounds, I’m suspicious of any martial arts class that doesn’t have even one Asian in it. The other taekwondo school was easily 50% Asian. Think of it as food. You go to one Italian restaurant were half the people in it are Italian and then you go to another where there are no Italians. What’s your prognosis? Yes, the head instructor was Asian, and while I’m just a little too old for the hardcore discipline, this guy was so laid back I kept waiting for him to call me “dude.” But the deciding factor was that they don’t do the same forms I do. I mean, if I’m gonna learn new forms, I might as well learn a new style entirely. And old friend suggested that maybe “because of your age” I should look beyond something takes a lot of kicking like taekwondo. I turned my nose up at her suggestion, having seen far too many little old men still throw kicks better than kids throw elbows, but while doing multiple sets of friggin’ double kicks (and now, a day later, when my legs feel like jelly and walking is an ability I’m relearning) her words suddenly became only the sagest wisdom. I mean, why the hell do I need to be throwing double kicks anyway!?! And you sure as hell won’t be doing that in a bar fight or on the train. I was kinda spoiled because my instructor had also studied kyokushin karate and tried to balance out the kicking with hand techniques. Since I was going to be sore the next day anyway, I decided to completely obliterate myself and walk home, stopping by the Reebok Sportsclub, the six-floor facility I’d visited a week previously. I still had a day left on my free week membership so why not? I made some token attempts to fight my man boobs on their incredibly nice equipment, but my opinion remains the same. Even if I could afford it, I don’t like how friggin’ massive it is and the pool sucks. But like any gym, if you go during the day, you’ll see far too many pretty people. When I was unemployed and going to the gym in the morning (hey, 11:00 am is still morning) that’s when I’d overhear conversations between the male models. Yes, they’re dumb. Feel better about yourself now? Well, you should. When I walked into this place I was immediately greeted by something 6’ tall, blonde and willowy. And in the men’s locker room I saw her male counterparts. I’m sure they’re all stupid too. They have to be. It’s the only way I can live.

DCW
Oh. That new show with Juliana Marguilies, Canterbury's Law? Dorito Cheeseburger Woman, aka, Karyn Plonsky, is going to be on it...whenever the hell it airs. It was supposed to be this Monday, but I think it's been moved to Friday. Unless of course it's been canceled. Which is possible.

MAD MAXINE

1. Horton Hears A Who/Fox Wknd/$ 45.1 Total/$ 45.1
2. 10,000 B.C./Warner Wknd/$ 16.4 Total/$ 61.2
3. Never Back Down/Sum. Wknd/$ 8.6 Total/$ 8.6
4. College Road Trip/Touchstone Wknd/$ 7.9 Total/$ 24.3
5. Vantage Point/Sony Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 59.2
6. The Bank Job/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 13.1
7. Doomsday/Universal Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 4.7
8. Semi-Pro/New Line Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 29.8
9. The Other Boleyn Girl/Sony Wknd/$ 2.9 Total/$ 14.6
10. The Spiderwick Chronicles/Par Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 65.4

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Horton Hears A Who opens at number one and apparently Jim Carrey is undaunted by the fact there’s a special level of hell being prepared for people who keep making shitty adaptations of Dr. Seuss books. I guess he knows his fate is sealed due to the unforgivable sin that was The Grinch, so why not make some more family film cash? His career definitely needed the jump. Everyone knows the story of Horton, but that would hardly fill a ninety minute movie so you pad the hell out of it and that’s where the simple brilliance of Dr. Seuss ends and the neverending Hollywood crap begins, which why Horton now has a band of wacky pals, why the Who that speaks to has a goth/emo Who son that he doesn’t get along with, why a vulture is now hired to destroy the speck Horton is protecting (what the fuck?) and why for some reason the song the Whos sing to save themselves is REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling.” Let me put it this way, it’s from the people who brought you the dungheap that was Ice Age. Yeah, now you understand. They’re the last to get the memo that throwing in a cheesy pop song would be funny in an ironic manner. Journey is cheesy fun. REO Speedwagon was shit then and it’s shit now. It’s a tragedy that not even time can make into comedy. You’d have to bring me children I never knew I had to make me see this. Oh, and yes, these are the same Whos from The Grinch, so yes, The Grinch is technically somewhere on the dust mote as well.

WHAT’S THE CAVEMAN EQUIVILENT OF A D.A.? MATURE HUNTER GATHERER?
10,000 B.C. drops to number two and remember the joke from First Wives Club about three roles available for women in Hollywood, “Hot Babe, District Attorney and Driving Miss Daisy”? Well, in ancient times it apparently went directly from “Hot Babe” to “Miss Daisy” because the only two female roles present are the hot babe---who is of course foretold to be the bride of the prophecy hero---and the old woman who tells the prophecy. Any actual science that shows that women did as much hunting and gathering as men has no place here. Men hunt and women wait at home. We don’t even get some token ahead-of-her-time feminist characterization (there’s even an opening for it as she’s the sole survivor of a tribe of blue-eye people---an obvious lift from Clan of the Cave Bear) so she can kick a little ass and not just be a prize men fight over. She’s played by Camilla Belle who’s one of those girls that’s scary pretty and has been since she popped out of the womb. No ugly duckling period. If anyone but me had seen Practical Magic, you’d know her as the girl who was far too pretty to ever grow into Sandra Bullock.

AND IN THE JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME ROLE…DJIMON HOUNSOU?
Never Back Down opens surprisingly at number three but now that Step Up 2 is gone, I guess there’s nothing left for people 13-23 to go see. I should have known something was up when my baby sister confessed to wanting to see it. Things have changed since I was kid because apparently kickboxing has become big with the kids, to the point where they throw parties and have impromptu matches. The alpha male in school isn’t a football player, but the sociopathic underground kickboxing champion (which still more believable than Freddie Prinze Jr. as the lacrosse stud of She’s All That). And no, he’s not Asian. He’s a rich, blonde white boy. He kicks the ass of the new kid in town so now the new kid has got to go train with local master to get back the eye of the tiger. Oops! Wrong movie where a black guy teaches some white kick to ass. I suppose it’s progress in a martial arts movie were no Asian is either the evil guy or the sage instructor, but it does seem odd. I mean, imagine a movie about street dancing where everyone is either White or Asian (you don’t have to: it was called Step Up 2). I’d like to think I’m better than this, but if I were 14, I probably would have been first in line to see this crap.

LIKE MEN, IT’S THE UGLY OLD LESBIANS WITH ALL THE CASH
College Road Trip is down to number four, followed by Vantage Point at number five and The Bank Job at number six and also in this is Saffron Burrows and they must’ve had Jason Statham standing on a box for their scenes together because this ex-model is six feet tall and Statham is…not. For a moment she seemed to be poised to become the English Hot Chick Of The Moment in Hollywood, but didn’t get the memo that she cannot be a redhea, only a brunette. Even blondes fail and they tried from Susan George to Patsy Kensit, but none have had the staying power of Jacqueline Bisset or even Elizabeth Hurley. Kate Beckinsale is now “the one” but even Minnie Driver (who was her rival in Circle of Friends) did better. Redheads are evil and even with hot accents, they have to do things like marry Tom Cruise in order to succeed. Of course Minnie Driver also hooked up with Matt Damon, while Saffaron Burrows has had to keep her rumored same-sex tendencies on the downlow. Yeah, Portia DeRossi could have done so much better than Ellen it’s not even funny.

MAD MAXINE
Doomsday opens disappointingly at number seven and I went to see this for the sole purpose of seeing a hot woman with an accent in a tank top kick ass and take names and that’s exactly what I got. This movie is nothing less than Escape From New York, The Road Warrior, 28 Days Later, Resident Evil and---and I’m not kidding here---Lord of The Rings all wrapped up into one blood-spattered package. Totally ridiculous, utterly absurd, painfully derivative…and I loved every fucking minute of it! Rhona Mitra is one-eyed badass Eden Sinclair (which couldn’t be more a video game name) and she’s seemingly making up for not getting the Lara Croft role despite having played her first for video game promotion and having a real English accent (though her boobs are fake and she’ll be the first to tell you). Ironically, she was also in a Beowulf movies a few year ago. Anyway, apparently in another month a virus will break out in Scotland and the English being the bastards they are, throw up a wall and leave everyone there to die. Eden’s mother gets her out on the last chopper out, but Eden loses an eye in the process. 25 years later she’s a badass cop with a detachable eye that also works as a video recorder. She gets selected as part of a team to go in and find a cure since there appear to be survivors and the virus is back in London. The world she finds inside is a combination of The Road Warrior, The Warriors, Escape From New York and…English pop of the 80’s. I’m not kidding, when the mohawked leader of one group of survivors brings out a member of her team to be cooked and eaten (graphically I might add), the music he plays is Adam Ant’s “Kings of the Wild Frontier.” He then does a dance number to Fine Young Cannibals’ “Good Thing.” The other group of survivors lives a medieval style life in a castle as the movie becomes Lord of the Rings (we see a helicopter shot of them as they walk along the green hills of Scotland) and Braveheart and every gladiator movie you’ve ever seen as she’s put into an arena to fight a fully armored knight. Needless to say, she kicks his ass they way she’s kicked ass since first appearing onscreen (at one point a character says to her, “You just don’t give a fuck, do you?” which is the highest compliment you can give a balls out action hero). This continues after they find a mint condition Bentley to make their escape (after one character actually dies Boromir style, pierced by multiple arrows). This is when the movie becomes The Road Warrior and they are attacked agan by the first group of tattooed mohawked cannibals in their patched up makeshift vehicles (to the sounds of Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s “Two Tribes”). Cars go fast, shit blows up, our hero kicks more ass and body parts fly, complete with blood hitting the camera lens, Braveheart style! The ending is wide open for a sequel and if overseas business or DVD does well enough to make it happen, I’m there!

NO ONE CHOOSES PORN OVER A REAL GIRL
Semi Pro opens is down to number eight and I know it seems wise to open a basketball movie in basketball season, but actually it’s pretty stupid because people are too busy watching real basketball to see something like this. You open just before the season opens when the fans are starving for it. This will probably do much better on DVD for pretty much that reason.

NO MORE ENGLISH ACCENTED PROPHECY KIDS, PLEASE!
The Other Boleyn Girl is down to number nine, followed by The Spiderwick Chronicles at number ten, which has held on decently despite not being a smash hit. Unfortunately, it had a $90M budget and even with worldwide grosses didn’t even come close to that. Throw it on the pile with The Golden Compass and Eragon.

I’LL FIGHT KAREEM IN THE PILATES ROOM
So, my no gym days may be coming to an end. I still haven’t found a martial arts school and laying about and not exercising at 41 isn’t the same as not working out at 31 or even 35. Things fall apart fast. I wasn’t exactly cut, but it now it looks like someone held my wax body next to a radiator and things are beginning to droop and sag and I refuse to move up a pants size! To this end I decided to indulge in the weeklong free membership at the Reebok Sportsclub at Lincoln Center. I took the tour on Saturday and I’m still trying to process it. It’s a six floor complex! I felt like Bruce Lee in Game of Death, where every floor spelled certain doom. I has two full size basketball courts, a outside track the goes around the building on the 4th floor, nothing short of four different weight rooms, the yoga and Pilates rooms separated from the rest of the facility, a sundeck, a dojo, the prerequisite jacuzzi and sauna, spa and salon, a daycare so the kids never enter the main facility, a café and lounge with WiFi and, of course, a pool. But the pool sucked and that just killed it for me. Why is it the gym that annoys me the most, the one I just quit, has the best pool I’ve seen so far in the city? Sigh. And why are they the only ones who understand that no one wants to swim in a fucking basement!?! Needless to say this type of facility isn’t cheap coming in at $210 a month with a $500 fee just to join. I can’t say you don’t see where your money is going (there’s an electronic swimsuit spinner), but I don’t think I’d join even if I could afford it. It’s just too massive. I feel like I’d get lost every time I set foot in the place. And I while I’m tempted to try and live my Dick Grayson fantasies with their trapeze classes, I understand it’s a colossal mistake.. Not to mention it’s twenty blocks from my house and while a nice warm up walk seemed like a good idea at the time, I’m not a fat atrophying bastard because of all my get-up-and-go.

IT’S NOT REALLY ROCK & ROLL, BUT I STILL LIKE IT
The Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame 2008 ceremony was held last week and you know you’re old when your childhood favorites are now old enough to be inducted. You’re really old when you don’t know who the inductees are. I’ve got no problem with Madonna, but her induction along with Prince a few years back are proof that “rock & roll” is a simple catchphrase for all modern music after 1955. And I get that she didn’t want to perform as her work. Doing “Borderline” at 50 is not quite the same as Paul McCartney doing “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” at 50, much less in front of your peers. Also, while you couldn’t count how many people in the audience were there because of their inspiration by a guitar band. You could probably do so for her. Not a lot of dudes heard or saw Madonna and decided they were going into music. Hell, not even a lot of women. And Iggy Pop and The Stooges doing her songs? That’s hysterical to me, but again it’s sad that there were no next generation women there for her. And since her true heir, Britney Spears, was too batshit insane to induct her, they were reduced to picking someone who’d fucked her: Justin Timberlake. How sad is that? They couldn’t find another woman on Madonna’s level to induct her (at least no one willing). If there’s anyone Justin Timberlake should be inducting, it’s George Michael, who deserves to be here a little bit more than Madonna in my opinion (but he may not be eligible yet as a solo artist and god know Wham doesn’t deserve to be here). The Ventures were one of rocks great instrumental bands, something that simply doesn’t exist today and The Dave Clark Five were part of the second tier of British bands of the 60’s Not first tier, because that was occupied by The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and The Who and they simply were not on that level. But if you heard their songs you’d recognize them. John Mellencamp is another one who reminds me how fucking old I am, because he was John Cougar first before he found his balls and went back to his real name. He was inducted by his buddy, Billy Joel, because there is no modern day John Mellencamp either. That’s the real test of your legacy; who the hell is around because you existed? Sorry, John. I get the feeling someone like Nickelback would claim you as an influence and who the hell wants that? I can’t believe Leonard Cohen wasn’t in before now. He’s one of those guys that everyone references. Same with Gamble & Huff. How they fuck do you have a hall of fame of anything without Gamble & Huff!?! They were “Philly Soul.” Aside from writing “TSOP” (“The Sound of Philadelphia” best known as the theme music to Soul Train) they also wrote soul (which is more than R&B) classics like “Me & Mrs. Jones” “Love Train” “Back Stabbers” “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” “When Will I See You Again” “For The Love of Money” and “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now.” Aside from Americans, there’s a whole generation of British white boys who wouldn’t be here without them.

HO’S IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES
Of the governor’s scandal I will say only this: how the hell do you prosecute hookers and johns for twenty years and still not know how to get a hooker without getting caught. Even I know you never do it yourself, but have an underling do it to allow yourself plausible deniability. And $80K!?! Are you shittin’ me!?! All to fuck someone in the ass!?! And that’s what it’s about: sodomy. Heidi Fleiss confirmed it. Anyone paying $4K an hour is asking for a) no condom and b) anal sex. Sorry, dude, but your wife would have coughed it up for that. Not to mention you’re the Attorney General and then the governor. You know how many skanky ho’s would have done it for free!?! And that’s not illegal! Honestly , my only issue is anyone fucking dumb enough to do this doesn’t deserve to be my governor. Why on earth would you have a hooker brought down from NYC when you’re in the discreet hooker capital of America, Washington D.C.!?! And to be brought down by some chick from the Jersey shore… That’s really sad. Show me some six-foot Norwegian goddess or five feet of Asian perfection. Not some B&T chick (and I loves me some B&T chicks). To show you what she’s all about, on the day this blew up, her brother was going to jail for selling heroin…again. But hey, it was better than reading about the election every fucking day. My favorite joke out of all it came from David Letterman who had a field day with it. On his Top Ten List of Surprises During The Eliot Spitzer Resignation: “#10: Entered To The Sounds of Jay-Z’s ‘Big Pimpin’.” I’m still laughing. And can you believe she’s made $200K off her music because of this? There are talented seasoned professionals who have never done that well and is playing a wedding in Weehawken worse than sucking the governor’s dick? I don’t think so. We’re all whores, kids. It’s just a matter of venue. But I feel sorry for her, dumb though she may be. As someone said, “She’s only 22 and the first line of her obituary has already been written.” Hell, she could cure cancer and they’d still lead off with this.

FUR BIKINI

1. 10,000 B.C./Warner Wknd/$ 35.7 Total/$ 35.7
2. College Road Trip/Touchstone Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 14.0
3. Vantage Point/Sony Wknd/$ 7.5 Total/$ 51.7
4. Semi-Pro/New Line Wknd/$ 5.9 Total/$ 24.8
5. The Bank Job/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 5.7
6. The Spiderwick Chronicles/Par Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 61.7
7. The Other Boleyn Girl/Sony Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 14.6
8. Jumper/Fox Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 72.5
9. Step Up 2/Touch Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 53.0
10. Fool’s Gold/Warner Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 62.8

RINGO STARR MADE A BETTER MOVIE
10,000 B.C. opens at number one and this is from the man who brought you Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow and you know what, it’s not as good as either of those? Not because it’s intrinsically bad, but because it’s kinda boring. Halfway through I wondered exactly what I was doing there and if the lines at TJ Maxx would be long that afternoon. The others at least had the apocalypse hook, whereas this has nothing really compelling going for it. The time set is obvious and we follow the quest (no, not for fire; that’s another, better prehistoric movie) of one man to free his people who have been enslaved by another group who moved up the developmental ladder a little faster with domestication of animals and shipbuilding. Of course there’s a prophecy involved. There’s always a prophecy involved and he’s “the one” which allows others to follow him blindly rather than simply be inspired by his courage or commitment. There’s also a daddy sub-plot, which is never really utilized or given a satisfactory conclusion. Usually when the hero’s father disappears and the hero follows the same path, meeting the same people, you know how it will end. Not here. And given all the clichés they chose to follow (if there’s a drinking game for this movie, make it about clichés and you’ll be drunk off your ass ten minutes into it) I can’t understand why they blew this one off. Following that, they totally shitcan the best idea coming from this movie: that rulers of the evil kingdom are either from Atlantis or space or both. We get no follow-through as to why the constellation of Orion on the beautiful girl’s hand (she’s special because her eyes are blue, another rip) matters or how that the evil kingdom also has a prophecy about the hero. It’s just a lot of CGI (but not nearly enough to make it fun) with a couple of pretty leads and not much else. At least One Million Years B.C. had the common sense to throw in some giant monsters to fight and put Raquel Welch in a fur bikini. The only “monster” they fight here is a giant ostrich. No, I’m not kidding.

THE ONLY THING WORSE: SPIKE LEE’S COLLEGE ROAD TRIP
College Road Trip opens at number two and remember our rule about family films and a failing career? Well, Martin Lawrence is that rule in full effect. Rebound must have made more money than we thought for him to be back with this. And honestly, it’s a toss up as to who is the real star here, him or Raven Symone, who is in the midst of building her own little multi-million dollar media empire. See what Oprah’s doing to the kids? What’s odd is that this was originally supposed to be National Lampoon’s College Road Trip and now it’s from Disney. I get the feeling the “daughter as a nympho” plotline was the first to go, though strangely Donny Osmond was attached to it even then.

BUT WILL SHE DO THE FAN DANCE?
Vantage Point is down to number three and also in this is poor Zoe Saldana. You know, the only cast member from Pirates of the Caribbean not to come back for parts II and III? She might get luckier having scored the role of Uhura in the Star Trek movie, but then again, what the hell did that ever do for Nichelle Nichols career? And who would have thought a movie with William Hurt and Sigourney Weaver would be such a minor blip on the radar? The last time they hooked up was in the movie Eyewitness and they were both at their peak---though the utter lameness of movies like that movie is perhaps as to why it didn’t last.

“MARSHALL, WILL AND HOLLY, ON A ROUTINE EXPEDITION…”
Semi-Pro takes a serious drop to number four suggesting that perhaps America is wearing thin on Will Ferrell’s idiot manchild routine. Then again, for every two or three of these that flop for him (Kicking & Screaming, Bewitched, Stranger Than Fiction) it just takes an Anchorman or Talladega Nights to put him right back on top. And honestly, when he shows up in the Land of the Lost movie, I will be there. Yes, an actual Land of the Lost movie is coming. Don’t pretend you old fuckers aren’t excited.

NEXT UP: THE HAND JOB
The Bank Job opens at number five and while I was briefly interested in seeing this well-reviewed film, it was outweighed by my total dislike of heist films, much less English heist films. Even if it is played for laughs and based on true story that involves the Royal Family. Hell, if anything that last one was the final nail in the coffin. And I have little use for Jason Statham if he’s not kicking people in the head. The Italian Job fulfilled my quota for non-head-kicking-heist-films-with-Jason-Statham-and-the-word-“job”in the title.

UNASHAMED ACCENT WHORES UNITE!
The Spiderwick Chronicles is down to number six followed by The Other Boleyn Girl at number seven and also in this is my beloved Kristin Scott Thomas and one can only wonder how much better she’d have been in this in her youth (though there is actually a BBC version of this from 2003). She plays the girls’ mother and that’s how you know your time is over, when you’re playing the mom of the new hot thing. I’m shallow and creepy enough to be proud of actually hooking up with an Englishwoman who looked a little like her (I just need Scottish woman and I’ve got the UK hat trick). But it breaks my heart that her most successful role remains the fucking English Patient. Man, that movie sucked. But American films were not good to her. After Four Weddings & A Funeral blew up she wound up in crap like that, Random Hearts, The Horse Whisperer, Life as a House and Pompateus of Love (yes, from the Steve Miller lyric which is apparently stolen from an old Blues song like 99% of rock music). And even before that she was in Under The Cherry Moon with Prince (with a great underrated soundtrack album in Parade).

MOMMY, CAN I USE YOUR CAREER TO SAVE MY OWN?
Jumper is down to number eight, followed by Step Up 2 at number nine and Fool’s Gold closes out the top ten at ten and this will hopefully mean the end of Matthew McConughey and Kate Hudson teaming as it hasn’t even made budget yet. I’m still waiting for someone to do the obvious and simply remake Private Benjamin with her in it. But I guess you can’t have her giggling her way through Iraq or Afghanistan. Maybe Foul Play or better yet one of her mom’s bad movies that you still somehow like, like Seems Like Old Times. But that might sadly allow for Matthew McCoughey to play the Chevy Chase role as the goofball ex-husband.

NEW AMSTERDAM, OLD IDEAS
New Amsterdam finally showed up on the Fox schedule. One good thing about the writer’s strike is that it forced the networks to use every replacement show that they’d shot, otherwise this might not have seen the light of day, as someone at Fox is said to just hate this show (but they probably love that Farrelly Brothers crap). Now, some insist this is a rip off of the book Forever that I mention here a few weeks back, where the protagonist is also someone who has lived in Manhattan for hundreds of years as a result of a blessing/curse of immortality until you find a certain woman (not just love, a certain love). In both the book and this show it was granted by an oppressed minority the protagonist saves in Old New York. In that case it was an African slave; in this case Native American Indians and the problem with that remains the same: if you have this power why aren’t you using it on yourself? Why are you giving it to white boys!?! Why isn’t there an army of immortal African and Indian warriors fighting for freedom!?! There’s even the jazz connection (though they do throw in a really nice twist about his old black buddy). But there was something before both called Highlander, which also had an immortal from Europe living in New York, so this idea is hardly unique. Beyond the obvious, this show requires tremendous suspension of disbelief because how could you hide something like this if you never leave the city (though unlike the character in the book, he apparently can leave)!?! It’s not that small and you will run into people you know who might wonder why you’re still in your 30’s twenty years after they met you. And cops have to make all sorts of public accounting for themselves. Then there’s the cutesy habit he has in honestly answering questions about his past that people pass off as jokes, but are stupid if you’re trying to hide something. Especially around cops, who’d put two-and-two together eventually. Oh, and did I mention his name was “Amsterdam.” Yeah, I’m still waiting for my eyes to roll back down from that one. But like I said, I’m a sucker for a show shot in the city with pretty people and this is shot on location and the lead actor played Paul Bettany’s German tennis buddy in Wimbledon, which explains why his accent here is all over the place (something else people don’t seem to notice). In fact, he’s prettier than both of the lead women on this show, but that also has to do with them not casting your typical glamour girls, so they get points for that. It also falls in the realm of science fiction/fantasy, and being a geek I have to watch (though I strangely will die before ever giving up five seconds of my life to Lost). This comes from of all people Lasse Hallstrom (Chocolat, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, The Cider House Rules) who directed the first episode. I’m less than impressed with him as a filmmaker (how can you make a film with Johnny Depp, Juliette Binoche, Lena Olin and Carrie Anne Moss about chocolate in France and have it not be sexy!?!) and this does nothing to change that, though his films always look nice.

WISH THERE’D BEEN ONLY ONE
Speaking of Highlander, they’re still cranking them out and the latest (number five if you’re counting) was Highlander: The Source and it was so bad I had to fast forward to get through it. This concept peaked with the TV series and they need to either reboot it from scratch of just let it die. I’ve got $20 says they reboot it, because you can count on one hand how many movie ideas have been making money since 1986. My first recommendation? When hiring an actor to play a Scotsman, a French actor is not your best choice. Second, no JJ Abrams.

BALLERS WEAR SHORT SHORTS

1. Semi-Pro/New Line Wknd/$ 15.2 Total/$ 15.2
2. Vantage Point/Sony Wknd/$ 13.0 Total/$ 41.0
3. The Spiderwick Chronicles/Par Wknd/$ 8.8 Total/$ 55.1
4. The Other Boleyn Girl/Sony Wknd/$ 8.3 Total/$ 8.3
5. Jumper/Fox Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 66.8
6. Step Up 2/Touch Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 48.6
7. Fool’s Gold/Warner Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 59.1
8. Penelope/ Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 4.0
9. No Country For Old Men/Mira Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 69.6
10. Juno/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 135.1

SEMI-TOUGH JUST GOT A NEW LIFE OF ACCIDENTIAL RENTALS
Semi-Pro opens at number one and I was tempted to see this, mainly because I’m old enough to remember the ABA (American Basketball Association) with the red, white and blue basketballs, which I always thought was the neatest thing in the world. Besides, Dr. J was in the ABA and Dr. J was Michael Jordan before Michael Jordan existed (before Dr. J took off from the top of the key he had to file a flight report he went so high; he was up there so long flight attendants served meals). And believe it or not, but incredibly stupid promotional gimmicks were part of their reality, so there’s a huge nostalgia thing going on here which I’m sure is part of the reason it’s opening at number one. But then I remembered that Will Ferrell was in this doing the same goofy manchild he’s been doing…well, for-fucking-ever. And apparently everyone in the fucking world loves it but me. I’m fine with it in small doses, like Old School, but like Jack Black he’s a supporting player or at best in desperate need of a straight man. He’s gotta be cut with something because the pure stuff is just too much. And no, Woody Harrelson is not that guy, nor is Andre 3000 from Outkast. Yes, Maura Tierney is here and my love from Newsradio remains pure (basically she’s who geek boys adored before Tina Fey came along), but if I won’t watch e.r. for her, then I’m not going to see this either.

NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KID WHO PLAYED THE BABY
Vantage Point is down to number two and also in this is Matthew Fox and it seems like a thousand years ago that he Neve Campbell, Scott Wolf and Lacey Chabell were part of a Party of Five on Fox. It’s actually the show that made Jennifer Love Hewitt a star. She was such a hit, it spun off to her own show, Time of Your Life. Yes, you’re old. How old are you? Prince is going in for hip replacement surgery and unlike Eddie Van Halen, it’s not because drugs and booze have destroyed his body. That’s how old you are. I never watched because I simply wasn’t buying this group of kids were on their own and running a restaurant. But if you watched one show on Fox, you saw the promos for them all so I felt like I did. Such is the price I paid for 21 Jump Street. Now, Fox is obviously best know for Lost, so much so I can’t believe he wasn’t pushed more as the star of this. And yes, he is Racer X in the new Speed Racer movie. Given how geeks love themselves some Lost (I do not, but I’m the exception which is why I’m kind) it’s all kind of sticky fun for them.

“I’M ‘ENERY THE EIGHTH I AM…”
The Spiderwick Chronicles is down to number three, followed by The Other Boleyn Girl at four and again, there was temptation towards this costume melodrama, but I get that weekly from The Tudors (which covered the same time period in its first season) and with real English actors, not two Americans and an Australian. Not to mention the only thing it was more about than costumes, was nudity and this damn thing is PG13 with Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman, both of whom you know aren’t giving up so much as a butt cheek (Portman regrets her only nudity and says she won’t do it again). Sorry, but how can you have a movie about passion and no one is dropping trou? Not to mention, this movie obviously isn’t sincere based simply only the casting of Portman and Johansson. Last I heard, there was no shortage of talented English actresses, so why these two unless all you were concerned about was making a buck and not the best movie possible. It’s like when they cast Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder in Dracula or Julia Roberts in…well, anything requiring an accent. Yes, they’ve done it before, both of them, but it was competent at best. If all you want were names, then Keira Knightley and Emily Blunt (The Devil Wears Prada) would have been fine. Recognizable actresses with actual freaking accents. And oh, over 5 feet tall both of them. This casting is brainstorm of a middle-aged studio exec who’s been jerking off to them both for the last ten years and they’ve only been legal for five. It’s no coincidence they’ve both been in Woody Allen movies.

AGE IS MORE THAN THAN JUST A NUMBER
Jumper is down to number five and this was actually started with two other actors but reshot when they decided to make the characters older to make them more interesting. Um, not quite. For a guy who’s been on his own for years and traveling the world, Hayden Christensen is remarkably unseasoned. Nowhere do we see an inclination that his travels all over the world have affected him. He doesn’t seem to speak another language, he shows no familiarity with history or culture. Nothing. Well-traveled is the last thing you’d use to describe him, which is sadly ironic. They wasted millions of dollars for a character development they hoped would be added by casting alone. Not to mention, Rachel Bilson is older than whom exactly? Dakota Fanning? Hannah Montana? Don’t say you’re going for older and cast a pretty little doll girl. This is geek casting because on The O.C. she played the unlikely girlfriend of a comic book geek who actually dressed up like Wonder Woman for him. If that wasn’t clue enough then the conversation Christensen has with Jamie Bell about “Marvel Team Up” should seriously have let you know.

AND WORKING CRAFT SERVICES…DWAYNE WAYNE
Step Up 2: The Streets is down to number six, followed by Fool’s Gold at number seven and also in this is Malcolm Jamal-Warner? Seriously? Theo!?! I mean, I’m glad he’s not doing drugs or sticking up liquor stores, but aren’t actors like this all doing real estate or some shit? It’s always weird so see certain actors still working. I’m not going to pretend to know their names, but Rudy and Vanessa have turned up from time to time and Raven Symone (I don’t know her character’s name because I stopped watching the show when Lisa Bonet left) is a little mini-mogul thanks to Nickelodeon. And we all know what happened to Lisa Bonet. Her clone/daughter was in The Brave One, letting Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie know just how pretty their daughter is going to be when she grows up. And apparently Lisa Bonet is in the pretty baby making business, having just dropped the baby of that pretty boy from Stargate: Atlantis, Jason Momoa. But I have to say it again…fucking Theo!?!

THIS LITTLE PIGGY DIDN’T GO TO MARKETING CLASS
Penelope opens at number eight and this was a problem for 20-something dudes this week. All the girls they jerk off two were in movies 20-something dudes don’t want to see. First Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman in The Other Boleyn Girl and now Christina Ricci in Penelope, a fairy tale romantic comedy about a heiress cursed with a pig nose until she finds true love, an obvious variation on Beauty & The Beast---providing The Beast was rich and was rocking from the neck down (though Christina did get a breast reduction). This has been sitting on the shelf for at least a year, despite being produced by Reese Witherspoon and having her make an appearance. Apparently it took James McAvoy’s recent ascension to get it out. It looks cute enough but they ruined it by showing what her nose looks like in the commercials and trailers now when before they wisely hid it. That was your “hook” to get people in. There’s no “hook” here now. I’ll see it on cable in a year.

NO COUNTRY FOR BEING LATE TO THE PARTY
No Country For Old Men returns to the top ten at number nine after winning a bunch of Academy Awards. A bunch of poor bastards went in to see what the fuss was all about and were exposed to a totally unromantic view of darkness. Suckers! It’s what you get for being fucking sheep!

CRAPACON: HE TRANSFORMS FROM A STUPID SCRIPT TO A MINDLESS MOVIE
On the other hand, Juno drops to number ten after just winning Best Screenplay because we know damn well the average person could give a shit whether or not something is well-written. Every Michael Bay film is proof of that. Speaking of whom, I wonder if the Writer’s Guild, so fresh after the strike, has the balls to go after Michael Bay for openly saying he’s already written the Transformers sequel. First of all, I wasn’t sure it took writing at all to make a Transformers movie, but I imagine someone technically has to write down things for the actors to say while standing in front of a green screen. This why Bay is or should be in trouble, because eventually a member of the Writer’s Guild has to try and convert “Big machine fight, hot girl, dude, boom!” into something resembling a coherent story and that person may not be able to use something written during the strike, even by a director. Let me put it this way: imagine if, during a director’s strike one of the writers took over directing. I think the Director’s Guild would be a little pissed.

ALL’S CHANGED, SHE’S HAVING A BABY
So, I’m not supposed to talk about The Former Miss Pretty Boy or Around The Way Girl without their permission, but fuck it, this is important. The Former Miss Pretty Boy is giving birth to a girl in about three weeks. I found out about this three weeks ago after getting an invite to her baby shower. What’s funny is that in my initial delirium in the hospital when she and her husband came to visit me, I insisted she had to have a child. She was maybe three weeks along at that point and obviously it was too early to tell anyone, even your delirious, blood-in-his-brain friend. Eventually , she sent me an email telling me about it, but apparently my overly-aggressive spam filter prevented me from seeing it. The shower was initially a non-shower type of surprise brunch meeting at a restaurant where we were supposed to buy gifts but not bring them because she insisted she didn’t want a shower. Then it turned into an actual surprise baby shower brunch and you know I love you if I’m getting up early on a Sunday and taking a cab to see you. I almost blew the surprise because my lazy ass didn’t go buy a gift from the registry until the day before. When I got the list from the desk, the woman remarked, “Oh, yeah, she’s here now.” Oh. Shit. I immediately vacated the premises to go shopping for two hours, subjecting myself to the humiliation of buying new jeans in my normal size only to find them tight. But I will not move up! I’ll go on Atkins before I buy pants in a larger size. After two hours of tromping around Chelsea, I safely returned, got my gift and got the hell out. Obviously, Around The Way Girl was in attendance for the brunch along with her fiancée. They’re getting married in Paris, so for all of you who thought your wedding was so great? You were wrong. It sucked and was provincial. The gathering was nice and I got to formally meet Former Miss Pretty Boy’s mom. I saw her at the wedding, but only really met her dad. She was sweet and very much looking forward to her granddaughter. I left there with the tiniest champagne buzz to go shopping with The Libertine, who moved to South Carolina a few months ago for a job. She hates it there and regularly causes ripples with her very Manhattan wardrobe, which the rubes just don’t understand. Her goal was to buy more to keep it going. We met at our usual spot of Kenneth Cole in SoHo and went from there to LBT, which I did my annual Christmas shopping for my roommate to give her wardrobe the edge I can’t seem to give myself. After that it was Ben Sherman, to a French place that serves damn good chocolate croissant, to two New Designer Spaces. One sits on Bleecker where we’d been to before. There she bought a beautiful spring type dress---and by “she” I mean “her fiancée.” The other was in SoHo (I refuse to dignify the term “Nolita”; it’s all fucking SoHo) where she bought another beautiful dress made from an iridescent material (and by “she” well, she actually bought this one). But oddly nothing brought her greater joy than buying a shirt for me that reads, “I ♥ Cheese.” Yes, it’s befitting, but I like to think I wear that on my face (and now, on my gut). After that were our usual stops at DSW and Filene’s Basement. She still wanted to hit Barney’s yearly warehouse sale, but my early rise combined with late night computer issues (I upgraded my hard drive, doubling its size) ad left me spent and her own fiancée clearly toast, finally realizing the great favor I’d be doing him by shopping with her all this time.

AND I’LL BE WRAPPED AROUND YOUR FINGER
It was a full week so seeing my friends, as I also took a trip up to Riverdale (yes, I left Manhattan) for an emergency babysitting session for Former Movie Buddy and her beautiful little girl. And when I say beautiful, I’m not being nice the way we all are to the friends of our children no matter how ugly they may be. She’s actually working as a model, making her a literal Model Child. But apparently that’s just a title as she was not thrilled to learn I was coming up. It’s been a minute since I last babysat her and she’d forgotten me. And she’s a precocious three-years-old now, as demonstrated by calling both her parents to express her dissatisfaction with me as a babysitter before I arrived. When I was three I was still immersed in the mysteries of my genitals, totally incapable of working a phone (hell, I have trouble now dropping my junk to pick one up). But I went in prepared, making a stop by Borders to pick a few things up. 3 or 43, I’m not ashamed to buy a woman’s love. In this case it was three books of reusable stickers. One was Disney (of course), another was Horses (because I was told she was learning the letter “H”) and the last one was…The DC Comics Universe! Yes, I am shameless! But one day, her casual knowledge of these things will win some sad geek’s undying devotion and he will do all her homework. And she played with the DC Comics stick book the most. Even more than Disney. Though it did prompt her to bring out her Disney Princesses book where she displayed a frighteningly encyclopedic knowledge of all within. However, this didn’t prevent her from asking me to at least read one of them to her---while she told me what I was going to say before I even read it. After that we played a little store, alternating between customer and owner, switching by her request from Duane Reade to CVS. My favorite moments were when she admitted doing things she wasn’t supposed to with a smile and a little tilt of her head. They’re soooo going to have their hands full during puberty. During the night she told me how she didn’t want me as a babysitter but now it was okay, but that wasn’t the real moment of acceptance. No, that came when I put on the Schoolhouse Rock DVD and she told me to sit down where she promptly sat down in my lap and draped my arm across her. I will admit to be owned at that point. If she was looking for someone to help her out in 13 years when she wrecks mom and dad’s car, she got him.

THIS IS WHERE THE WRITER FIGHTS, THIS WHERE THE DIRECTORIAL CONTROL DIES
300 just started running on cable and while fun to watch I’d forgotten just what a silly fucking movie it was. It pains me that my beloved The 13th Warrior was a flop and this was one of the biggest hits of last year. I guess it wasn’t homoerotic enough (though who could argue Antonio Banderas isn’t prettier than Gerald Butler). I’m still hoping one day we’ll get a director’s cut from John (Predator, Die Hard, Hunt For Red October, Thomas Crown Affair) McTiernan. He and author Michael Crichton bumped heads and in a rare case the writer had final say over the director.