FUR BIKINI

1. 10,000 B.C./Warner Wknd/$ 35.7 Total/$ 35.7
2. College Road Trip/Touchstone Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 14.0
3. Vantage Point/Sony Wknd/$ 7.5 Total/$ 51.7
4. Semi-Pro/New Line Wknd/$ 5.9 Total/$ 24.8
5. The Bank Job/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 5.7
6. The Spiderwick Chronicles/Par Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 61.7
7. The Other Boleyn Girl/Sony Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 14.6
8. Jumper/Fox Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 72.5
9. Step Up 2/Touch Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 53.0
10. Fool’s Gold/Warner Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 62.8

RINGO STARR MADE A BETTER MOVIE
10,000 B.C. opens at number one and this is from the man who brought you Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow and you know what, it’s not as good as either of those? Not because it’s intrinsically bad, but because it’s kinda boring. Halfway through I wondered exactly what I was doing there and if the lines at TJ Maxx would be long that afternoon. The others at least had the apocalypse hook, whereas this has nothing really compelling going for it. The time set is obvious and we follow the quest (no, not for fire; that’s another, better prehistoric movie) of one man to free his people who have been enslaved by another group who moved up the developmental ladder a little faster with domestication of animals and shipbuilding. Of course there’s a prophecy involved. There’s always a prophecy involved and he’s “the one” which allows others to follow him blindly rather than simply be inspired by his courage or commitment. There’s also a daddy sub-plot, which is never really utilized or given a satisfactory conclusion. Usually when the hero’s father disappears and the hero follows the same path, meeting the same people, you know how it will end. Not here. And given all the clichés they chose to follow (if there’s a drinking game for this movie, make it about clichés and you’ll be drunk off your ass ten minutes into it) I can’t understand why they blew this one off. Following that, they totally shitcan the best idea coming from this movie: that rulers of the evil kingdom are either from Atlantis or space or both. We get no follow-through as to why the constellation of Orion on the beautiful girl’s hand (she’s special because her eyes are blue, another rip) matters or how that the evil kingdom also has a prophecy about the hero. It’s just a lot of CGI (but not nearly enough to make it fun) with a couple of pretty leads and not much else. At least One Million Years B.C. had the common sense to throw in some giant monsters to fight and put Raquel Welch in a fur bikini. The only “monster” they fight here is a giant ostrich. No, I’m not kidding.

THE ONLY THING WORSE: SPIKE LEE’S COLLEGE ROAD TRIP
College Road Trip opens at number two and remember our rule about family films and a failing career? Well, Martin Lawrence is that rule in full effect. Rebound must have made more money than we thought for him to be back with this. And honestly, it’s a toss up as to who is the real star here, him or Raven Symone, who is in the midst of building her own little multi-million dollar media empire. See what Oprah’s doing to the kids? What’s odd is that this was originally supposed to be National Lampoon’s College Road Trip and now it’s from Disney. I get the feeling the “daughter as a nympho” plotline was the first to go, though strangely Donny Osmond was attached to it even then.

BUT WILL SHE DO THE FAN DANCE?
Vantage Point is down to number three and also in this is poor Zoe Saldana. You know, the only cast member from Pirates of the Caribbean not to come back for parts II and III? She might get luckier having scored the role of Uhura in the Star Trek movie, but then again, what the hell did that ever do for Nichelle Nichols career? And who would have thought a movie with William Hurt and Sigourney Weaver would be such a minor blip on the radar? The last time they hooked up was in the movie Eyewitness and they were both at their peak---though the utter lameness of movies like that movie is perhaps as to why it didn’t last.

“MARSHALL, WILL AND HOLLY, ON A ROUTINE EXPEDITION…”
Semi-Pro takes a serious drop to number four suggesting that perhaps America is wearing thin on Will Ferrell’s idiot manchild routine. Then again, for every two or three of these that flop for him (Kicking & Screaming, Bewitched, Stranger Than Fiction) it just takes an Anchorman or Talladega Nights to put him right back on top. And honestly, when he shows up in the Land of the Lost movie, I will be there. Yes, an actual Land of the Lost movie is coming. Don’t pretend you old fuckers aren’t excited.

NEXT UP: THE HAND JOB
The Bank Job opens at number five and while I was briefly interested in seeing this well-reviewed film, it was outweighed by my total dislike of heist films, much less English heist films. Even if it is played for laughs and based on true story that involves the Royal Family. Hell, if anything that last one was the final nail in the coffin. And I have little use for Jason Statham if he’s not kicking people in the head. The Italian Job fulfilled my quota for non-head-kicking-heist-films-with-Jason-Statham-and-the-word-“job”in the title.

UNASHAMED ACCENT WHORES UNITE!
The Spiderwick Chronicles is down to number six followed by The Other Boleyn Girl at number seven and also in this is my beloved Kristin Scott Thomas and one can only wonder how much better she’d have been in this in her youth (though there is actually a BBC version of this from 2003). She plays the girls’ mother and that’s how you know your time is over, when you’re playing the mom of the new hot thing. I’m shallow and creepy enough to be proud of actually hooking up with an Englishwoman who looked a little like her (I just need Scottish woman and I’ve got the UK hat trick). But it breaks my heart that her most successful role remains the fucking English Patient. Man, that movie sucked. But American films were not good to her. After Four Weddings & A Funeral blew up she wound up in crap like that, Random Hearts, The Horse Whisperer, Life as a House and Pompateus of Love (yes, from the Steve Miller lyric which is apparently stolen from an old Blues song like 99% of rock music). And even before that she was in Under The Cherry Moon with Prince (with a great underrated soundtrack album in Parade).

MOMMY, CAN I USE YOUR CAREER TO SAVE MY OWN?
Jumper is down to number eight, followed by Step Up 2 at number nine and Fool’s Gold closes out the top ten at ten and this will hopefully mean the end of Matthew McConughey and Kate Hudson teaming as it hasn’t even made budget yet. I’m still waiting for someone to do the obvious and simply remake Private Benjamin with her in it. But I guess you can’t have her giggling her way through Iraq or Afghanistan. Maybe Foul Play or better yet one of her mom’s bad movies that you still somehow like, like Seems Like Old Times. But that might sadly allow for Matthew McCoughey to play the Chevy Chase role as the goofball ex-husband.

NEW AMSTERDAM, OLD IDEAS
New Amsterdam finally showed up on the Fox schedule. One good thing about the writer’s strike is that it forced the networks to use every replacement show that they’d shot, otherwise this might not have seen the light of day, as someone at Fox is said to just hate this show (but they probably love that Farrelly Brothers crap). Now, some insist this is a rip off of the book Forever that I mention here a few weeks back, where the protagonist is also someone who has lived in Manhattan for hundreds of years as a result of a blessing/curse of immortality until you find a certain woman (not just love, a certain love). In both the book and this show it was granted by an oppressed minority the protagonist saves in Old New York. In that case it was an African slave; in this case Native American Indians and the problem with that remains the same: if you have this power why aren’t you using it on yourself? Why are you giving it to white boys!?! Why isn’t there an army of immortal African and Indian warriors fighting for freedom!?! There’s even the jazz connection (though they do throw in a really nice twist about his old black buddy). But there was something before both called Highlander, which also had an immortal from Europe living in New York, so this idea is hardly unique. Beyond the obvious, this show requires tremendous suspension of disbelief because how could you hide something like this if you never leave the city (though unlike the character in the book, he apparently can leave)!?! It’s not that small and you will run into people you know who might wonder why you’re still in your 30’s twenty years after they met you. And cops have to make all sorts of public accounting for themselves. Then there’s the cutesy habit he has in honestly answering questions about his past that people pass off as jokes, but are stupid if you’re trying to hide something. Especially around cops, who’d put two-and-two together eventually. Oh, and did I mention his name was “Amsterdam.” Yeah, I’m still waiting for my eyes to roll back down from that one. But like I said, I’m a sucker for a show shot in the city with pretty people and this is shot on location and the lead actor played Paul Bettany’s German tennis buddy in Wimbledon, which explains why his accent here is all over the place (something else people don’t seem to notice). In fact, he’s prettier than both of the lead women on this show, but that also has to do with them not casting your typical glamour girls, so they get points for that. It also falls in the realm of science fiction/fantasy, and being a geek I have to watch (though I strangely will die before ever giving up five seconds of my life to Lost). This comes from of all people Lasse Hallstrom (Chocolat, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, The Cider House Rules) who directed the first episode. I’m less than impressed with him as a filmmaker (how can you make a film with Johnny Depp, Juliette Binoche, Lena Olin and Carrie Anne Moss about chocolate in France and have it not be sexy!?!) and this does nothing to change that, though his films always look nice.

WISH THERE’D BEEN ONLY ONE
Speaking of Highlander, they’re still cranking them out and the latest (number five if you’re counting) was Highlander: The Source and it was so bad I had to fast forward to get through it. This concept peaked with the TV series and they need to either reboot it from scratch of just let it die. I’ve got $20 says they reboot it, because you can count on one hand how many movie ideas have been making money since 1986. My first recommendation? When hiring an actor to play a Scotsman, a French actor is not your best choice. Second, no JJ Abrams.