STARRING BRAD PITT AS BRUCE LEE!

1. 21/Sony Wknd/$ 23.7 Total/$ 23.7
2. Horton Hears A Who/Fox Wknd/$ 17.4 Total/$ 117.3
3. Superhero Movie/MGM Wknd/$ 9.5 Total/$ 9.5
4. Meet The Browns/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 32.8
5. Drillbit Taylor/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 20.6
6. Shutter/ Fox Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 19.1
7. 10,000 B.C./Warner Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 84.9
8. Stop Loss/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 4.5
9. College Road Trip/Touchstone Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 38.4
10. The Bank Job/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 24.1

CRAPPED OUT
21 opens at number one and I could give a royal shit about this “based on a true story” movie, because as we all know, I don’t like caper, heist or con-artist movies. But an additional annoyance is how much they changed the facts. See, this was actually done by a group of kids that were primarily Asian, specifically the team leader (Jeff Ma, who actually has a cameo in the film). Now this speaks to a lot in America. First, the need to change it the whitest people you could find (James Burgess, who is English and it doesn’t get whiter than that) and second that they felt free to change it with no backlash. If it had been a Black guy, all hell would have broken loose and they would have had protesters, but they know the Asian American community isn’t as vocal or belligerent. I guess it’s somewhat mitigated by that fact that, if all you’re looking for is an Asian body onscreen there’s an entire industry of it on the other side of the world. However, if you’re an Asian American male looking for something beyond martial arts, you’re kinda fucked. Then again, do you really want the only movie with an Asian American male lead to basically be about how good Asians are at numbers? I think I’d rather have people assume I could jump up and kick them in the head rather than assume I can automatically figure out how much the tip was every time we went out.

UP NEXT: DRAMATIC MOVIE
Horton Hears A Who is down to number two, followed by Superhero Movie at number three and yes, this is from one of the writers of Scary Movie 3 & 4. These people are quickly becoming a viral plague of cinema, cranking out these things every other month and I’m sorry but that doesn’t suggest a whole lot of quality. Now, I’d be lying if I said the superhero angle didn’t temp me, but the moment I saw Leslie Nielsen, Pam Anderson and Tracy Morgan I knew that hilarity was the last thing that would ensue. It all comes down to the trailer. How many jokes did they throw at me and how often did I laugh as opposed to how often I rolled my eyes? I laughed at the woman being thrown into the woodchipper and the nail gun to the hand, but everything else was eye-rolling in its lameness, from him breakdancing on the wall to Pamela Anderson as The Invisible Girl. I may watch this on cable in a year. Maybe.

PLAYING GOOFY COUSIN #3 WILL PAY YOUR CABLE BILL
Tyler Perry’s Meet The Browns is down to number four and oddly enough this is almost the low-rent version of Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins (both involve people going to their families in the south for some sort of spiritual renewal). If you’re a black actor and didn’t get a job in at least one of them you might as well pack your shit and go back home to Kansas, because there was obviously work out there to be had. Unless, you know, you wanted to be in something good. But beggars can’t be choosers. You think Don Cheadle wanted to be in Meteor Man? No, he most certainly did not. So, suck it up. Pretend Martin Lawrence is funny and that Tyler Perry is straight and get that job!

DON’T OVERSHADOW YOUR LEADING MAN LITTERALLY OR FIGURATIVELY
Drillbit Taylor is down to number five and also in this is a personal favorite of mine, Beth Littleford whom you before-the-bandwagon fans might remember as a cast member of The Daily Show, there even before Jon Stewart joined. Yes, Virginia, there was a Daily Show before Jon Stewart and while not as politically oriented it was still funny. You also might know her as Cameron’s equally crazy lover on Spin City (he’ll always be Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off To Me) or the neighbor on Red & Meth, the sitcom Red Man and Method Man once had. I’m glad to see she’s working and she probably deserved the lead female role moreso than the producer’s wife, but I think she may be taller than Owen Wilson so you know how that’s going to end.

EVEN THE PRETTY BRUSSEL SPROUT WITH CURLY BLONDE HAIR
Shutter is down to number six, followed by 10,000 BC at number seven and Stop Loss opening at number eight and while I will give director Kimberly Pierce credit for making a movie more from the heart that other films about the Iraq war (her teenage brother is in the military) the issue remains that no one really wants to see this right now. It’s like food; it doesn’t matter how well made the brussel sprouts are, no one really wants to eat a brussel sprout and no one really likes an anti-war film in the middle of wartime. It’s just depressing. And I don’t care how many pretty boys you throw into your movie either, which is the case here with Ryan Philippe and Channing Tatum. Even for you girls off the beaten path there’s Joseph Gordon Leavitt. But no matter what, a happy ending is not on the menu here. This is the director who brought you Boys Don’t Cry, so shits & giggles was never, ever the plan.

THE END
College Road Trip is down to number nine, followed by The Bank Job wrapping up the top ten at number ten.

‘ENRY THE 8TH I AM STILL
The Tudors is back in all its incredibly trashy fun. I think it says all you need to know about me that I never watched The Sopranos, but have never missed an episode of this nonsense. Sam Neil is gone but in his place to chew up the scenery is none other than Peter O’Toole and he is as wonderful as always. You want the show to be more about him than Jonathan Rhys Meyer’s petulant king. See, unlike the others (but like Sam Neil), Peter O’Toole has been in enough crappy movies to know how to play trash to at least make it fun.

“WHO WANTS A TITTYFULL OF BEER!?!”
So, I wound up out with the ladies from Jezebel, not once but twice this weekend. The first night was Friday and we wound up at a BYOB karaoke place near the Empire State Building. And BYOB wound up being everything from the 12 pack of Corona I brought, to some weird pink fruity liquor we did as shots, to wine, to more beer, to Mike’s Hard Lemonade, to cheap champagne to my final undoing: Patron. Yes, my mistress tequila made her presence known and because we were so classy, when we ran out of cups, the only two other people drinking it and myself just began to take shots from the bottle. This led to me apparently not just agreeing to go to the New York ComicCon next month (damn tequila!), but I also did a rendition of Nick Gilder’s “Hot Child In The City,” duetted with the Mucha-tattooed girl (who also has a Dark Phoenix tattoo below that one) on “Bring It All To Me” by Blaque and JC Chasez of N’Sync (she said it took her back to high school and I decided not to mention it took me back to my late 30’s) and I wrapped it up with Montell Williams’ “This Is How We Do It.” Fortunately, for that last one everyone was good and drunk and singing along so it really didn’t matter. The key to good karaoke is booze. Sober people trying to sing are just annoying bring-downs. After the room time ended, we headed to a bar on the Lower East Side, but it wasn’t that great, so along with a few others, I headed out---but I’m sure I was the only one who stop to buy a comic book on the way home (All Star Superman is amazing even while intoxicated). The next night was a barbeque in Brooklyn at the home of the lawyer. She’s barely in her 30’s but owns her two bedroom duplex, so in case you were feeling bad about your life and the choices you’ve made, there’s some more salt for the wound. I dislike going to Brooklyn and every time I forget why, a little trip like this reminds me. Can you say “track work?” Oh, yeah. First the train I needed wasn’t running and the one in its place was going at half-fucking-speed. The end result? A 40-minute trip took more than twice that. It was more of the usual suspects from the previous night, though some were tired having not gotten in until 6:00 am that morning. Not that it slowed anyone down. I thought the two bottles of wine I brought might have been too much, but I needn’t have worried as they were both popped open around midnight. Also, at one point half the room disappeared to get their smoke on in the basement. At least two of the girls had roots in Minnesota so there was a brief spate of Prince stories that only natives would hear on a regular basis. I have to admit I was impressed that the kids are well aware of the Prince catalog. It’s one thing to know “Little Red Corvette” or “1999” but to know the words to the second hit “I Wanna Be Your Lover” shows some knowledge. One of the Minnesota girls had been doing the Patron hits with me the night before and revealed she knew one of the guys who’d been on VH1’s “White Rapper” show. She then showed us his video “Tittyfull Of Beer” online, which I will now share with you:

Around 1:30 it began to break down, mainly because the lawyer was still working all weekend and had to get up (the price you pay for that duplex). But before that, it was made abundantly clear why I hang with chicks. Minnesota Tequila had her iPod playing and Robyn S. came up singing “Show Me Life” and in one weird moment the entire room started singing it---me included. The more I think of it, the more disturbed by it I am. Maybe I should be nicer to the dudes on the geek websites so I can hang out with them.

MISS-ED OPPORTUNITY
Miss Guided has been running for two weeks now and while I’ve always been a fan of Judy Greer and have said so here many times (she’s played the best friend to Jennifer Lopez, Katherine Heigel, David Duchovny, Jennifer Garner and also played Orlando Bloom’s sister), I’ve got mixed feelings about the show. I mean, it’s funny, there’s no question about that. She’s got Chris Parnell doing excellent support as the moronic vice principal. But that’s where the problem lies. What comedy about high school doesn’t have a moronic vice principal? She plays the neurotic guidance counselor at the same high school she once attended and every episode is about one of her neurosises creeping to the surface, leading to an embarrassing moment for her until the heartwarming conclusion where her embarrassing incident serves to help one of her students (the latest was a photo of her going commando being shown on the web). Also there’s the somewhat lunkhead teacher she has a crush on (autoshop teacher turned inept Spanish teacher) and there’s hot teacher who attended high school there with her and was the most popular girl in school. Of course she remains a shallow bitch to this day. Sorry, but there are just too many clichés going on here. God forbid she not be a neurotic mess or that the former cheerleader not be a total bitch or that maybe, just maybe, they might have gotten over high school at this points and could be friends. It’s still funny enough to watch and obviously I like her, but she still deserves a better vehicle and having been on Arrested Development (she played Kitty the secretary who kept flashing Jason Bateman), she knows what that feels like.