LEMON FILLED DOUGHNUTS RULE!

1. 21/Sony Wknd/$ 15.1 Total/$ 46.5
2. Leatherheads/Universal Wknd/$ 13.5 Total/$ 13.5
3. Nim’s Island/Fox Wkdn/$ 13.3 Total/$ 13.3
4. Horton Hears A Who/Fox Wknd/$ 9.1 Total/$ 131.1
5. The Ruins/Paramount/Dream Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 7.8
6. Superhero Movie/MGM Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 16.9
7. Meet The Browns/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 37.8
8. Drillbit Taylor/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 25.6
9. Shutter/ Fox Wknd/$ 2.9 Total/$ 23.2
10. 10,000 B.C./Warner Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 89.3

BLONDE FAILURE
21 amazingly holds at number one, giving Kate Bosworth her second try to be the hot young thing that was squandered after Blue Crush fell below expectations (though I still like to watch it on USA which runs it like every other weekend), then with crap like Win A Date With Tad Hamilton (also pissing away Topher Grace’s heat), Beyond The Sea (she was a perfect Sandra Dee but Kevin Spacey was simply too fucking old to play Bobby Darin) and don’t get me started on the horrible miscasting as Lois Lane in Superman Returns. Perfect casting would have been as The Invisible Girl for The Fantastic Four. I’m probably one of the three people (the other two being her parents) who also saw her in Rules of Attraction (a great little dark movie) and Wonderland where she played the girlfriend of John Holmes. So she does get points for working both the indie and Hollywood mainstream routes, but ultimately she wound up being most famous as the girlfriend of Orlando Bloom, who also can’t seem to solidly grab success. Maybe he should make a gambling movie too.

HORSE FEATHERS IS ONLY 68 MINUTES LONG
Leatherheads opens at number two and this was George Clooney’s attempt to make an old-fashioned screwball comedy and he did a pretty good job of it. Set in the 20’s before the depression it tells the story of the growth of professional football into a legitimate sport, with no small commentary on the price that was paid for it. But that’s not what it’s really about it. It’s about George Clooney as the fast talking huckster making it happen and Renee Zellweger as the fast talking reporter who winds up covering in while actually on an assignment to bring down the national war hero and college star who can make Clooney’s dreams come true, John Krasinski. If they actually made this in the 30’s, Clooney’s role is totally Clark Gable, with Barbara Stanwyck in the Renee Zellweger role (yeah, yeah, yeah, Carole Lombard too, but that was a bit too obvious) and for the all American football player Joel McCrea or Jimmy Stewart might have filled the role. It’s almost two hours long and didn’t need to be. If they’d cranked up the pace to the levels of the 30’s and 40’s they could have told the same story in 90 minutes.

THE COWARDLY ONE
Nim’s Island opens at number three and with Horton Hears A Who down to number four, and unlike Jim Carrey, for Jodie Foster this both a superstar’s indulgence for her kids and a return from whence she started, family films (Taxi Driver not withstanding). I personally have fond memories of Jodie Foster’s Freaky Friday, though I hesitate to see it again today for fears of it suffering through my adult eyes and in comparison to the very good Lindsay Lohan version. This is based on a book that your average parent may know about but is news to me. And while it is possible to make a children’s film that adults also would enjoy, this doesn’t seem to be the case. The trailer I saw was appealing the lowest common kiddie denominator and quelled any interest in seeing Jodie Foster finally do something where she’s not suffering for a change. Know who else was wasted here? Gerald Butler. Foster plays a reclusive author and Gerald Butler is Indiana Jones type hero she writes about. He helps guide her on her own adventure that leads to Abigail Breslin, who is a fan of the books. As Romancing The Stone showed, a great part of that wouldn’t make a bad movie. As shit movie shows it can also make just that.

REVENGE OF THE HYDRAILAS!
Horton Hears A Who is down to number four, followed by The Ruins opening at number five and my interest in killer plants begins and ends with Day of the Triffids, which at least were alien killer plants. Do you think they make movies in other countries about their stupid young people who come to America and die horrible deaths because they do incredibly dumb things like choosing to go and explore an ancient temple not in any guidebook? Or in the case of New York would it be the horror movie known as “The Brownstone.” Or in California “The Split Level Ranch.” Either way, I hope they think of something better than killer plants. Yeah, having them wiggle around inside you while you try and cut them out is pretty horrible, but you know what’s worse? ANYTHING BUT A PLANT!

GEEK CONSISTANCY
Superhero Movie is down to number six and this isn’t this director’s first shot at making fun of superheroes. Years ago when Mystery Men was a big Hollywood release (and subsequent failure) there was a smaller release called The Specials with Rob Lowe and future Sandman, Thomas Hayden Church. It was done as mockumentary, so obviously the director is serious, serious geek. And fat too.

THE LAST PIECE OF WRITER’S STRIKE FALLOUT
Down to number seven is Tyler Perry’s Meet The Browns followed by Drillbit Taylor at number eight and Shutter at nine and do you ever wonder who the hell is still going to see movies like Shutter this far down the line? Newer films have opened, but three weeks later there’s someone eschewing them to go see this. Who are these people? There needs to be a study done and maybe a vaccine made to help them.

EVIL CRAP DIVIDED LEAVES YOU WITH EVIL AND CRAP BOTH
Finally, 10,000 BC closes out the top ten at number ten and if you wonder why Roland Emmerich’s movies seem to be getting even worse than they were before (and that’s saying something), it’s because he broke with his long time partner, Dean Devlin, who was---and I use this term loosely---the writer, while Emmerich directed.. He’s now the driving force behind that saddest of guilty pleasures, The Librarian movies on TNT. And yes, there is another one coming. And yes, I will see it because if nothing else, it casts B & C-list actresses that I like, such as Kelly Hu and Gabrielle Anwar. And how can you beat Bob Newhart in anything?

WHEN SHABBA DOO GOES I WILL CRY FOR A WEEK
Death took a big one this time, Moses himself, Charlton Heston. He announced he was suffering from early Alzheimer’s a few years ago, so I’m sure in its own way this was a type of mercy. Also, the man was like two hundred years old and had an amazing life. Don’t cry for him Argentina. Cry instead for Eddie Levert who is burying his second son, Sean, in less than a year’s time (Gerald died last year). This is wrong on a level I cannot describe. Also having met the Grim Reaper recently is Richard Widmark, who set a new bad guy standard in Kiss of Death many years ago. And pop and lock one time in the memory of Frosty Freeze of the Rock Steady Crew who also died last week.

AND THE CRADLE WILL UPTEMPO ADULT CONTEMPARARY R&B LITE ROCK!
Cradle of Rock is my latest guilty reality show pleasure and notable for being the first time I’ve watched MTV in about a decade. They’re still milking The Real World? Didn’t God let them know how much he hated this show by killing one of the creators a few years ago? The premise is simple: children of stars compete for a recording contract. It’s Bobby Brown’s son, who thankfully got his mother’s looks, but none of his father’s stage presence, probably because he’s not crazy. There’s Olivia Newton John’s daughter who lost the genetic lottery and looks nothing like her mother or pretty boy father, Matt Lattanzi (best known as the star of My Tutor), though she does a nice voice that’s probably better suited for theater. But she’s a little messed up (anorexia) so show business is perfect for her. Eddie Money’s daughter seems to be the best prepared for it probably because she’s got a straight up New York dad, who’s loving but pulls no punches. Compare that to Joe Walsh’s daughter who chose to sing a Don Henley song, which should tell you all you need to know about that relationship (Joe also refused to participate in this show). You won’t know Roy Johnston by name (he sang all the Doobie Brothers stuff Michael McDonald didn’t sing), but his daughter who is a little girl with a big voice in the Christina Aguilera mode. A little too normal for show business. Also too normal is MC Hammer’s daughter, who sings, not raps (thank god) and is smart enough to actually be in college. There’s Al B. Sure’s son who wins the title for dumbest name with Lil’ B Sure and seriously lost the genetic lottery, getting almost none of his dad’s looks and not even that pussy falsetto daddy did that made so many 80’s panties drop. The son of Dee Snider who was dumb enough to try and do Led Zeppelin song and blew it. And then there’s Kenny Loggins’s kid, playing the humble troubadour singer/songwriter card a little to hard, but probably gets laid like no one’s business because of it. He also lacks some stage presence. In addition to having the parents watch from the peanut gallery, they have Belinda Carlisle as a judge and Britney Spears’ once and future manager, Larry Rudolph. They’re they best because they gave the harshest judgments because they don’t have to suck up to the parents. Sadly, I will watch this to the bitter end. Especially now that Rock of Love II is wrapping up.

NEXT I’LL BE GOING TO THE WU TANG CLAN FOR INSTRUCTION
So my quest for martial arts school continues. This weekend I headed to a free class at one place on 29th street between 7th & 8th Avenue only to find it closed for a seminar of some sort in Central Park. But it wasn’t a wasted trip because just six feet from the building I ran into my old sparring partner, a guy I literally have not seen in twenty years. While I didn’t formally study in college, I would work out on my own and once a week he and I would get together and beat the crap out of each other. He was much more immersed in the martial arts community than I was and after awhile we kinda had a crowd of all types of guys happy to kick each other in the head. In any case, he was headed in for his jiu-jitsu (Japanese, not Brazilian for those of you who know something) class in the same building. I’ve had people tell me that time has been good to me, despite the fact that I stopped sleeping 8 hours a night in my early 20’s. Well, now I finally understood how they felt. Time was very good to him as he looks the same in his 50’s as he did in his 30’s when I first met him. He honestly looked not a day older, except for a little more weight and his hair now totally gray, but not a strand missing. Speaking of weight, the first thing he said to me was, “Sorry I didn’t recognize you at first because of the additional girth.” Ouch. No man wants to hear the word “girth” applied to him ever by a) another dude and b) with his pants still on. Girth is only for being naked in front of women. Then all you want to hear is surprise at one’s girth. It so traumatized me I had to have a lemon filled doughnut from Krispy Kreme on the way home (hey, I walked there and back which is a solid 4 miles). Sparring Partner had always studied a variety of arts, so it was no surprise that he was doing jiu-jitsu or that he was a black belt in it. After all it had been 20 years. He was also by his description “a crazy rank” in the karate style where I’d last known him. I had no real interest in jiu-jitsu, but I didn’t want to waste the walk or the reacquaintence, so I sat in to watch not just the class, but also the testing following. I’d tried judo and aikido in college and while aikido was bit too esoteric for me, judo was just too brutal. I left every class with my head ringing and judo actually comes from jiu-jitsu. All these trapping and locking arts may be a bit more practical for street life (when Ultimate Fighting first started, Royce Gracie, a Brazilian jiu-jitsu artist) won it for years), but I never really cottoned to them. I need to kick people in the head. Then there was the “warming of the body” part of the class, where they lightly punch and kick each other. Oh, hell no. Bad enough you’re going to be tossed around and slammed into the mat a couple dozen times each class, but the warm up is letting people punch you!?! I’m too old for all that shit. Not even the pretty Englishwoman in the class (who looked and sounded like Catherine McCormack) could motivate me. But I can’t deny the instructors were very good. Not overly hard-assed, but disciplined while remaining very sensitive to their students. This was very clear in the testing, when while pushing a green belt tester to his limits, the sensei would stop and whisper to him, at one point even one pressing her forehead to his. Also, when he was clearly running out of steam the other sensei and sempai would shout encouragement to him during breaks and take deep loud deep breaths as if to help him breathe. Still, that being thrown around is bullshit and I felt the need to ice my limbs in sympathy afterwards. I left before it was over because two hours was my limit for something I had no real interest in doing. And I really needed that doughnut.

MADONNA HATES CHILDREN
Okay, so Madonna’s single with Justin Timberlake sucks as badly as did her single with Britney. There’s a way to suck the blood of youth to prolong your own life and she just doesn’t know how to do it. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s just part of her plan to destroy the next generation so she will continue to reign supreme.