CHICKS WIN!

1. Baby Mama/Universal Wknd/$ 18.3 Total/$ 18.3
2. Harold & Kumar Escape Wknd/$ 14.6 Total/$ 14.6
3. The Forbidden Kingdom/LGF Wknd/$ 11.2 Total/$ 38.3
4. Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Univer Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 35.1
5. Nim’s Island/Fox Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 39.0
6. Prom Night/SGem Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 38.1
7. 21/Sony Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 75.8
8. 88 Minutes/Sony Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 12.6
9. Horton Hears A Who/Fox Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 147.9
10. Deception/Fox Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 2.2

BUT NO DRAMA
Opening at number one is Baby Mama, which is a surprise to many who were sure that women were done at the box office, most importantly that douchebag at Warner Brothers who flat out said they weren’t going to make movies with women in the lead. This was made at Universal and I’m sure they’re laughing at him. Not only did it beat out this week’s dick oriented comedy, but it made more than last week’s testosterone inspired laugh fest. I’m sure most of the people who went to see this were unaware that Tina Fey didn’t write it. Nope. She obviously went over it with Amy Poehler, but the actual screenplay is the work of the director, Michael McCullers, which is probably why it lacks some of the ruthless humor of 30 Rock and some of the knowledgeable humor about pregnancy that Fey could and should have brought. But given he’s also a former SNL writer it’s still very much in her vein, which is what makes it enjoyable nonetheless. The real star of the movie, however, may be Amy Poehler who definitely gets the “fun” role of the “baby mama.” After all, Tina Fey is essentially playing herself the way she always does, while Amy Poehler gets to pull out another one of her white trash characters and put it good use (but this one has two legs, so don’t get your hopes up). Even Dax Shepherd as her equally trashy “common law” husband comes off well. In fact, it’s got a nice supporting cast with Sigourney Weaver (a willing target of one of the truly vicious running gags in the movie), Maura Tierney, Greg Kinnear and an uncredited Steve Martin. One definite Fey influence is that the setting eschews New York City for Philadelphia, her hometown and I actually like it, because I’d rather not see New York than see New York constantly done wrong the way it tends to be in movies, even by people who live here and I’m pretty sure anyone who actually lives in Philly would question how generic it looks here. Better Philly suffers this fate than us.

HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO HARDER DRUGS
Opening at number two is the movie everyone expected to be number one, Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay, the sequel to Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle and I can think of two reasons why: 1) everyone can relate to the story of going out to get some junk food when you’re stoned (though I don’t smoke, so I’m usually drunk when I want a grilled cheese with fries at 3:00 am) so the first film was relatable while this one obviously is not and 2) the NFL draft. I’m not one to really put stock in these things, but this is a frat boy type of movie and they were too busy drinking beer, watching the draft and making predictions for the next football season this weekend. If even I’m watching it, you know real dudes are (Falcons got a new QB!). Also, I personally didn’t find the first one all that great. When Doogie Howser is your comedic high point, you’re in trouble. But at least they recognized he was the high point and brought him back for this one. Besides, the first really made its money on DVD and so will this one when it comes out this fall just in time for the new school year.

THE PEOPLE IN THE MOVIE GETTING LESS ATTENTION THAN A MAN’S DICK
The Forbidden Kingdom is down to number three followed by Forgetting Sarah Marshall at number four and as Sarah Marshall herself is Kristin Bell who has achieved some odd geek cred due to Veronica Mars (for those of you who wanted a third season, the pilot where she becomes an FBI agent is available on YouTube) and I really don’t understand why. It wasn’t science fiction, fantasy or horror and is being a teen detective really enough, because in that case Nancy Drew is an unheralded geek heroine. It doesn’t help that I get a total bitch vibe from her. Seriously, it’s like she fell out of the bitch tree and hit every branch on the way down, so she was perfectly cast as the cheating girlfriend here. But she knows on which side her bread is buttered and constantly says things about how much she loves geeks, which only makes me respect Sarah Michelle Gellar more, as she never played the geek ass kiss game no matter how much the geeks worshipped her. Bell’s also sucking up to Apatow here in a way that Katherine Hegl never did, but Katherine Hegl still has a damn good day job and a movie career. Her counterpart here is Mila Kunis who scarily only got prettier as That 70’s Show progressed, as opposed to Laura Prepon as Donna who kinda lost a little as she grew older (going blonde didn’t help). Now she’s freaking gorgeous and you understand why she was chosen to play a younger version of Angelina Jolie in Gia (they even share the “no hips, no ass” type body). I’d love to say that only in Judd Apatow world is Jason Segel going from Kristin Bell to Mila Kunis, but the truth is, he’s about 6’3” and women do excuse looks for height (the same men excuse looks for breast size or a vagina). Also, he’s a composer for a television show, which means he’s got some measure of success, so it’s not beyond the realm of probability. Though the fact he’s playing husband to Willow on How I Met Your Mother is a better approximation to his level of attractiveness (yes, the hard truth is that Xander was always too good looking for her).

GEORGE CLOONEY IS ABAGAIL BRESLIN’S BITCH
Nim’s Island is showing some legs, holding on at number five this week. In comparison, everything else that opened a month ago (Leatherheads, The Ruins) is gone from the top ten. It’s now made budget, so by the time DVD rolls in, this will turn a profit, so everything Gerald Butler has done since 300 won’t be a total failure.

MEN DON’T MAKE PASSES AT WOMEN WHO CAN KICK THEIR ASSES
Prom Night is down to number six, followed by 21 at number seven and 88 Minutes at number 8 and also in this are Helen Hunt-lookalike Leelee Sobieski and Alicia Witt and I’d normally suggest that Kristin Bell and Mila Kunis are pay attention to these former “hot young things” now propping up Al Pacino’s aging ass here. But their situation is a bit different. Both are tall. Alicia Witt is 5’9” and Leelee Sobieski is freaking 5’10”. Let’s not pretend it doesn’t matter. It puts them literally head and shoulders above most men in Hollywood in front of and behind the camera and dudes don’t usually like that. This limits their leading men to about three or four guys (and Sobieski has worked with almost all of them including Paul Walker, Josh Harnett and Chris Klein). Alicia Witt wound up on Law & Order: Criminal Intent playing Chris Noth’s partner for awhile so great the shortage is (apparently the show became science fiction if she’s supposed to be a detective). Hell, if anything, they should have been cast opposite Jason Segel, as it would be one of the rare times they could wear heels with a role. Amy Brenneman is here because, well, she drank her way out of an easy payday on CSI: Miami. The lesson here? Be short, be sober.

JEDI KNIGHTS WEREN’T KNOWN FOR BRINGIN’ THE LOVIN’
Horton Hears a Who is down to number nine followed by Deception at number ten and this is a pairing of wasted heat with Hugh Jackman and Ewan McGregor, two guys who had enormous amounts and wasted it with bad film choice after bad film choice. Yeah, McGregor was in the Star Wars prequels, but I could have played Ben Kenobi and they still would have made money. It didn’t matter and it really didn’t help him. No one thinks he can open a movie because of it and this certainly proves it. And Hugh Jackman… His bad choices outside of X-Men are legend. Kate & Leopold, Somebody Like You, Swordfish, Van Helsing, The Fountain and The Prestige all amount to nuthin’. McGregor’s list is too freaking many to count. And now they can both add one more to the list. Forget the trailer pretty much gives it all away (using one f the plot points of Mystery Date no less), how ridiculous is the idea that Ewan McGregor could be mistaken for Hugh Jackman? Ewan McGregor “mistakenly” gets Hugh Jackman’s cell phone and begins to live his life as part of a sex club, answering his calls from women like Natasha Henstridge. Please. Not on the best day of his life has he been a third of that hot. No one mistakes a Renton (I still don’t accept him as Obi Wan Kenobi) for a Wolverine even if they’ve never met them. I’m pretty sure “He’s 6’3” would show up in any conversation pertaining to him. Remember what I said about most men in show business being short? That’s how you get a bunch of dudes thinking they could all slide into Hugh Jackman’s slot if only given a chance, which is how casting like this happens.

I COULD HAVE LEGALLY GOTTEN A GUN BY NOW
The journey to become the dragon continues and believe it or not, but we’re finally zeroing in something. This week it was two taekwondo schools on the opposite ends of the city; one in Tribeca and the other in Harlem. The first was the Taekwondo Martial Arts Center in Tribeca, on Broadway and Reade and this had to be one of the better schools yet. Aside from being in a part of the city I enjoy, it was big enough for so they could section off part of the dojang for my free trial lesson, it also was International Taekwondo as opposed to World Taekwondo, which means the forms were the same so I wouldn’t have to learn anything new. Also, ITF is more traditional. And if this search has accomplished nothing else, it’s knocked some of the rust off me, to the point where none of the instructors I’ve worked with believe it’s been nearly 25 years since I last studied. That’s the beauty of learning something young; it stays with you, whether you like it or not. Surprisingly I was told I probably wouldn’t be starting off again as a white belt, which I was fully prepared to do. Of course you get what you pay for, so again a really good school is $200 a month, which is just not happening (the irony is this is what I used to spend on guitar lessons once upon a time). The next stop on our neverending search was at Harlem Taekwondo on 116th Street between Adam Clayton Powell and Fredrick Douglass (which is like saying between “Nubian” and “Ebony”). But lest images of Shaft or even New Jack City enter your mind, this place is so freaking gentrified now, it should be called “Harlem Lite” and I personally don’t consider anything below 125th to be Harlem. Again a nice place, good sized, disciplined, International Taekwondo and a much more manageable price. It was also a uniquely New York experience because at the class I attended, I was literally the only person born in the US. My only concern now is that I’m leaning to taekwondo because it’s safe and easy. I won’t be starting at bottom and I essentially know it already, whereas if I go with kung fu, I’ll be starting from scratch and I think we all know how I feel about making an exceptional effort. Well, I’ve just one more school on the list, so by next week I’ll possibly be making second visits to at least two of the previous schools to make a final decision. Or just giving up entirely and going with the bullshit black-and-green school two blocks from my house because I’m just so tired of this shit and need to be doing something. I’m just grateful the weather cooled off enough, delaying the wardrobe change that would reveal how much I’ve porked up.

DON’T ALWAYS BET ON BLACK
So Wesley Snipes is going to jail for tax evasion. This should tell you something. You can kill someone and walk, but god forbid you try to keep millions from the government because they will get your ass. My favorite part is how he tried to play the part of the naïve actor who didn’t know better when before this he was one of those nuts trying to insist you didn’t have to pay taxes at all. I think the real reason they nailed his ass to the wall is that he was encouraging others. He might have gotten a break if it were just his money, but he was trying to spread the word and “The Man” has no sense of humor about that shit. But he must have the worst lawyers in the world. I mean, since when do famous rich people go to jail!?! This is America for god’s sake! This is how you know the Bush era is coming to a close, when shit like this happens.