MANCHILD IN THE PROMISED LAND

1. The Forbidden Kingdom/LGF Wknd/$ 20.9 Total/$ 20.9
2. Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Univer Wknd/$ 17.3 Total/$ 17.3
3. Prom Night/SGem Wknd/$ 9.1 Total/$ 32.6
4. 88 Minutes/Sony Wknd/$ 6.8 Total/$ 6.8
5. Nim’s Island/Fox Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 32.9
6. 21/Sony Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 70.0
7. Street Kings/FoxS Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 19.9
8. Horton Hears A Who/Fox Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 144.4
9. Expelled/RM Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 3.2
10. Leatherheads/Universal Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 26.6

KUNG FU 101
Opening at number one is The Forbidden Kingdom, giving the world the dream paring of Jet Li and Jackie Chan----only 10 and15 years after their physical peaks. It’s like Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone making an action film now rather than in the 80’s. Sigh. Well, I guess you can’t have everything. After all, Clint Eastwood and John Wayne never made a western together. This is basically a kung fu starter course with everything you’d ever see in a traditional martial arts movie with its two biggest stars. The Monkey King? Check. Drunken Old Master? Check. Novice on a quest? Check. Training sequence as we watch him develop? Check. Character searching for vengeance over dead loved ones? Check. Hot babe in that way that only Asian women can be? Check. White Haired Witch? Check. Monastery of Shaolin Monks you just happen to stumble upon which aids you in the final battle? Check. Evil warlord to fight? Check. The only glaring omission is a battle in a bamboo forest, which is almost inexcusable. How can you have a kung fu movie without a battle in a bamboo forest!?! Now, I know economically, you had to have a white boy as the star of this. I mean, it would have been nice to have say an Asian American kid be the hero, but that’s not where the money is. And it had to be a kid to get the kids and adults in because what man didn’t want to the teen star of a kung fu movie? But did he have to be ugly? This kid looks like a cross between Bud from Married With Children and Shia Lebouf. In fact, they probably asked Shia Lebouf first and went with this guy. Also, he knows martial arts so that was another factor. You had to have someone who knew his stuff, so he could do the fight scenes in the end. That also limits you aesthetically, because it’s only ugly little geeks who feel the need to learn how to kick people in the head. Ashton Kutcher has never felt the need to learn a sidekick but Ozzy Osborne’s formerly fat drug addict son is now heavily into kickboxing. And I started at 15. ‘Nuff said. But the film recognized its limitation with him and actually doesn’t place too much focus on him. And two of my pet peeves are addressed 1) Unless speaking to him, the characters speak CHINESE, NOT ACCENTED ENGLISH!!! 2) Jackie Chan explains there is no such martial art as kung fu. “Kung fu” is the mastery of a discipline, any discipline. Eric Clapton is a “kung fu master” because he mastered the discipline needed to play the guitar at the level he does. Michael Jordan is a “kung fu master” in terms of basketball. “Wu Shu” is the correct term for Chinese martial arts. There is a Jet Li/Jackie Chan battle, but like I said, compared to what they both used to be (especially Chan) it’s seriously on the light side, even with Woo-Ping Yuen, master choreographer at work.

AKA THAT MOVIE WITH THE GUY’S DICK
Forgetting Sarah Marshall opens at number two and this is another one from the Apatow machine, with Freaks & Geeks and Knocked Up alum Jason Segel not only starring but writing the screenplay. Because Apatow neither wrote nor directed there is a tad more shading given to the women in story, both Kirsten Bell as the TV star girlfriend who dumps him and Mila Kunis as the hotel clerk who helps to heal him. You even discover she was not at total fault for dumping him, but this is still pretty much a dude’s movie and she has to be more wrong in the end while he’s right even though he obviously is a manchild who needed to grow up and only by her dumping his ass was he able to do so. But males with arrested development isn’t a genre Apatow and his buddies created, only mine it better than anyone in the last few years since Adam Sandler decided he wanted some respect. And I won’t lie, no matter what their flaws Apatow movies manage to draw some solid laughs from the most uncomfortable situations, beginning with getting dumped while you’re naked and refusing to get dressed (yes, full frontal male nudity alert). And I personally can only applaud the bunt and graphic treatment of sex. Sex has pretty much died in American film over the last 20 years because everyone wants the all-powerful PG13 to get the whole family in (as this week’s number one film demonstrates), but comedies have recently bucked the trend. Still, note that you can only put sex onscreen in mainstream films if you’re making fun of it (though maybe one day Apatow will hire a female lead who actually does nudity so we can dispense with “wearing a bra during sex” scenes). You will never see a drama where the male lead can’t get an erection and the female lead starts blowing him to help. All but stealing the film as Sarah Marshall’s new rock star boyfriend is Russell Brand whose performance ranges from idiocy to self-aware with masterful aplomb. The film refreshingly doesn’t make him a bad person. Even Jason Segel’s character admits he’s “a cool guy.” He’s just the guy she picked---who also happens to be an unrepentant hedonist, utterly oblivious to people who might be hurt by his pursuit of sexual pleasure. His instruction on sex techniques using giant chess pieces on the beach is only one of his film stealing moments.

“MY NAME IS ELI ROTH AND WELCOME TO BENNIGANS.”
Down to number three is Prom Night and speaking of the power of PG13, no wiser decision was made than to make movie about a prom, released in prom season and making it PG13 because this was one of the best openings of the year. And because I hated the horror snuff porn of Saw and the like so much, I hope this starts a whole new successful trend of PG13 horror to put those fuckers out of business, at least for awhile.

THAT’S AN HOUR AND TWENTY EIGHT MINUTES YOU’RE NEVER GETTING BACK
88 Minutes opens at number four and this just looks stupid beyond measure. Al Pacino is a criminal psychologist used by the FBI who gets a call saying he’s going to be killed in 88 minutes and things start happening to suggest it will happen. If anything happens but him going directly to the FBI and giving them the phone, then this is a stupid, stupid movie and it looks like that’s exactly what he doesn’t do. I’ve little tolerance for the “idiot plot” the plot that stops dead the moment every person involved stops acting like an idiot. What the hell is Al Pacino doing here anyway? This is an Anthony Hopkins type of whoring. He should stick to the Sean Connery plan it seemed he was following of making movies with hotter, younger actors (Johnny Depp, Russell Crowe, Matthew McConughey, Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx) and stop trying to be the star. It’s “lion in winter” time, Al! Let someone else do the heavy lifting while you just steal the movie with a supporting role.

MORE ABOUT THE MONEY
Nim’s Island is down to number five, followed by 21 at number six, another argument for the power of PG13, having made $70M in a month with a $35M budget.

AND EVEN MORE ABOUT MONEY ‘CAUSE IT AIN’T CALLED “SHOW ART”
Speaking of younger actors for Al Pacino, Street Kings, the latest from his one time costar, Keanu Reeves, is down to number seven and before anyone screams, “Bomb!” know that this cost only $20M to make and has pretty much made that back. Foreign has yet to come in, but between the two this will be a profitable film and any director who can get this kind of a movie out of just $20M is a guy you want to hire. Everyone wins here. Similarly, Horton Hears A Who is down to number eight, having grossed $144M, but it cost $85, so it will need overseas and DVD to make profit like most mediocre animated flicks.

MEN’S NIPPLES: NO GREATER PROOF OF A LACK OF INTELLIGENT DESIGN
Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed opens at number nine and this is a documentary about “Intelligent Design” not being allowed in schools and it never ceases to amaze me how Christians in America continue to try and paint themselves as some sort of “victimized minority” simply because they don’t have the same stranglehold over the country the way they one had. This was funded by a right wing group who not only lied to scientists about the movie’s subject matter in order to get them to participate, they then intercut the scientists footage WITH HITLER AND THE NAZIS! They even lied to Ben Stein to get him to be in it (former Nixon speechwriter most famous for saying “Bueller? Bueller?” in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off). So yeah, it’s from the Michael Moore school of unbiased documentary making, meaning it’s just serving an agenda by any means necessary.

ANTHONY EDWARDS STILL WONDERS “WHY HIM AND NOT ME?”
Leatherheads closes out the top ten at number ten and I’m afraid this type of disappointment is only setting us up for an Ocean’s 14, which no one in the world needs. No. One. And it’s “Strike 2” for that dude from the Office that every woman seems to love. I don’t watch the show, so I couldn’t tell you if they’re right or all suffering from some state of mass delusion. But some people are simply meant only to be small screen stars. You put them on a big screen and suddenly it’s, “Wait, why did I like this person again?” And given how many misses Clooney still has as opposed to hits, he’s not as far from it as you think. The irony is, with her pinched face, Renee Zellweger probably couldn’t get a job on TV. So it was either movie star or nothing.

TO SIDEKICK OR NOT TO SIDEKICK, THAT IS THE QUESTION
Because I actually enjoyed the kung-fu lite of The Forbidden Kingdom, I went out and rented, Curse of the Golden Flower, which I always meant to see, but had left the theaters before I got around to it. Starring nothing less than Gong Li and Chow Yun Fat it’s the story of a ruthless emperor, his equally conniving wife and their three sons in the struggle for revenge and power climaxing with an awesome battle scene (with an equally impressive battle-clean-up scene following it and no, I’m not kidding). Imagine The Lion In Winter in China by way of Braveheart and a little Hamlet----but with kung fu. And like a good kung fu movie everybody knows some, from the emperor on down to the court doctor’s daughter. It’s also so fucking beautiful it almost hurts to see. The costumes and the colors are amazing, so I’m a little sad I didn’t see it on the big screen. Needless to say, it was nominated for an Oscar for Costume Design, but how it missed out on Art Direction and Set Design I’ll never know. I have to say, however, that the more I see Gong Li, the more I wonder why she’s considered one of the most beautiful women in the world. I’m just not feeling it. I’m putting it all down to stardom. Kinda like how Julia Roberts is seen as beautiful when she’s really just average. Oh, and big boobs. Gong Li’s got some knockers on her and don’t think they don’t come out to play during the course of this film.

THE NEVERENDING STORY
If you think you’re tired of my search for a martial arts school, imagine how I feel. On the upside I’m getting at least one or two workouts a week, but it still blows. First up was the disappointment of Professional Taekwondo on 23rd street between 7th and 8th. I was a bit suspicious by the name alone. I mean, what the fuck does that mean? It sounds like they’re training you for a career in taekwondo like one of those commercials for data processing on late night TV. As if there’s a career in kicking guys in the head that’s not in or against law enforcement (“Yo, I’m Tony ‘Nutcracker’ DiNunzio and I learn to collect for the Gambinos at Professional Taekwondo and so can you!”). Second, there was a negative online review of their east side location, complete with instructors hitting on a student (who later quit). But since this was the west side and I’m not a chick, I gave it a shot. The class itself wasn’t bad. Disciplined, good on basics and at the end there were even forms and one-step fighting techniques done. Aside from even the higher belts continually dropping their hands as they kicked (a good way to get knocked out), the downside came in the mystery of what was in the instructor’s hand. I couldn’t figure out what it was…until the music started. Not just music, bad dance music. He was holding a remote control for the sound systerm. It was only played at the beginning and the end of class, but it was still too much for me. Also, the forms were different and again, if I’m just going back, I’m going back to the same not something slightly different. As I’d decided it would be either taekwondo or kung fu (ironically, in The Forbidden Kingdom someone with taekwondo gets his assed kicked by kung fu) my next stop was the Chinese Kung Fu Wu Shu Association, which took me to the west 20’s for the third time on this little quest. This initially seemed to be an old school place, as they don’t let students take more than two classes a week so they can monitor their development, but when I got there the atmosphere was sufficiently casual and the highest minority quotient I’d seen since I started (as The Last Dragon taught us, Bruthas love themselves some kung fu). One woman even brought her infant son who was watched over by her pre-teen daughter during the class. Judging by the reaction, this was not uncommon and people smiled at his chatter during the class. It was someone’s birthday so he got the special birthday treatment: he had to spar every single person in class. I don’t know if you know anything about fighting, but it’s as taxing as hell. You become exhausted in a matter of minutes and he was up there forever. He pretty much sat out the rest of the class. And this was light-contact, pad-free sparring. I could hear flesh on flesh contact from across the room, which made me wince a bit. I came on a bad night because this night was devoted to tumbling techniques. They broke out the mats and did all sorts of flips and tumbles…and that is simply not happening with my 41-year-old body. Nope. No way, no day. And did I mention the music that played for the entire two hours? What the fuck is it with the music. Who can’t study martial arts without a fucking soundtrack like they’re in a movie!?! It wasn’t obnoxious dance music, nor was it the crappy Asian-theme stuff form NY Shaolin, but it still irked me a bit. But even the technique of the less-experienced students seemed solid and if the presence of kids wasn’t a clue, the atmosphere was very communal. Nonetheless, the search continues. I’ve got yet another Shaolin place to see (there’s only like a couple hundred in the city) and I’m going to have suck it up and travel even further downtown for another taekwondo place. Tribeca to be precise. But never, ever the east side! Death before a crosstown bus!

WASTING AWAY AGAIN IN YOU-KNOW-WHERE…
It actually rose to over 75 degrees and you know what that means!?! First frozen margaritas of the season! Oh, daddy has missed you so! Of course this only drives the urgency of finding someplace to work out even more. Things that taste wonderful are rarely kind to the gut. Sadly, I gave my “fat jeans” to the Salvation Army years ago. Sigh.

ONE MORE TRY
I have to admit it, I’m a George Michael fan. I’m enough of a George Michael fan that I watched every episode of Eli Stone just because he was an occasional guest star and despite the fact he’s obviously gotten one of those really a bad eye jobs desperate celebs get in their 40’s (which is why he never takes his sunglasses off anymore). I even contemplated buying this latest greatest hits, “25” because unlike the first greatest hits a decade ago (Ladies and Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael) this not only includes Wham songs, but they remastered everything. Fuckers. But I won’t get it because it doesn’t have some of the Wham stuff I want, like the last two hits “Edge of Heaven” and “I’m Your Man.” And I’m not going to his show either. It’s going to be a sea of middle age women and their middle-aged gay best friends. In other words, it would be like going to see Madonna.