WICKED AWESOME

1. Shrek Forever After/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 71.3 Total/$ 71.3

2. Iron Man 2/Paramount Wknd/$ 26.6 Total/$ 251.3

3. Robin Hood/Universal Wknd/$ 18.7 Total/$ 66.1

4. Letters to Juliet/ Wknd/$ 9.1 Total/$ 27.4

5. Just Wright/FoxSearchlight Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 14.6

6. MacGruber/Universal Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 4.1

7. Date Night/Fox Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 90.7

8. A Nightmare on Elm Street/WB Wknd/$ 2.3 Total/$ 59.9

9. How To Train Your Dragon/Para Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 210.9

10.Kites/ Wknd/$ 1.0 Total/$ 1.0

ONE LESS EXCUSE FOR MIKE MEYERS TO TROT OUT HIS SCOTTISH BROGUE

Shrek Forever After opens at number one and this may be the best overall movie of the four, but that’s not saying much given how utterly unimpressive 1 was and how 3 just outright sucked. Some people call this the “Star Trek Rule” because 2, 4, 6 were the better ones but I call those people fucking children because Star Trek III: The Search for Spock is the movie Saving Private Ryan just wanted to be! This works because for the first time it’s just about the story and not a series of satirical jabs at fairy tales or pop culture references. Shrek is bored with the “happily ever after” and he makes a deal with Rumplestiltskin for to get one day of living his old life in exchange any day of Rumplestiltskin’s choosing from his entire life. Stiltskin chooses the day Shrek was born, meaning he never rescued Princess Fiona and her parents also wound up making a bad deal with Rumplestiltskin, one that cost them the kingdom and apparently their lives. My only complaint is that, logically, this should have not happened until after Shrek was done living his day. He should have come back to find the world changed, but instead Rumplestiltskin just throws him into it without him knowing. What this means is he violated the terms of his own deal which should have made it null and void, but that’s just me being a geek…but so long as I’m doing it, Shrek 2 was about a pissed off Fairy Godmother who wanted her own son, Prince Charming, to get Fiona, so where was she in this? We see what’s happened to everyone else’s lives, but not her’s. But it’s a small quibble, because watching Shrek, Donkey and Puss In Boots (as always, Eddie Murphy and Antonio Banderas make the movie) do another mission is enjoyable and again without all the pop culture references which became very tiresome very quickly. But the real upside is no Smashmouth anywhere.

GIVING NEW DEPTH TO NAVEL GAZING

Iron Man 2 is down to number two and Gwyneth Paltrow talked in interviews about how she got in shape for this movie. To do what? All action scenes in this damn thing are CGI. Not even Downey needed to be in any sort of physical condition to do his job. She’s also never uncovered at any time so clearly someone has a deluded sense about her importance to the overall proceedings. They could have swapped her out with the redhead (an actual redhead) from Private Practice and I’m pretty no one would have cared.

BODY HEAT SPOILED HIM FOREVER

Robin Hood is down to number three and did I mention that William Hurt is in this? Yeah, it was a surprise to me too. You’d think your “other” Oscar winning leading man would bear some mentioning in the promotion, but that’s how far we are from the days when he was the shit. Where you think Crowe, Clooney, Pitt or any other leading man sits, is where William Hurt sat and he backed it all up with Yale talent (he was there along with Sigourney Weaver and Meryl Streep). And like most insanely talented people he’s incredibly difficult to work with and borderline crazy. He got into fights over Lost in Space. Let me say it again: in a movie that should have been an easy popcorn payday, he got into fights with the director over it. Of course the irony is, he was right. Lost In Space had a great cast, a good budget but ultimately failed because of a bad story from people who thought if they had everything else they really didn’t need that. And the sad thing is, I like it still because of all it could have been.

AND YOU MAY WANT TO USE IT TO GIVE YOURSELF WORK TOO

Letters to Juliet is down to number four and one of the producers of this is none other than Ellen Barkin, clearly putting some of that money she got from Ron Pearlman to good use and by “good” I mean investing in film. Be string-puller, baby. Not the puppet.

AS JOSH LUCAS IS TO MATTHEW MCCONUGHEY…

Just Wright is down to number five and also in this as the bad-girl-gal-pal is Paula Patton and she continues to be that girl you think is Halle Berry when you see her out of the corner of your eye and honestly, so long as Halle Berry is still around doing lead roles, she’s going to be here as Zoe Saldana has sewn up all the rest.

UNAPPRECIATED GEM: THE CONEHEADS MOVIE

McGruber opens at number six and I see we’re back to even the lamest SNL skits being turned into movies (Stuart Smalley movie anyone?). MacGyver himself doesn’t deserve a fucking movie, but a one-joke sketch does (literally it’s one joke: something distracts McGruber from disarming a bomb)? But it only cost $10M and made $4M already so it won’t be an utter disaster either. And I do give them credit for going straight up “R” with rather than a PG13, but when you’re spending something that couldn’t feed the crew of Robin Hood, you get a lot of freedom.

TINA FEY, NOT-QUITE-A-MOVIE-STAR

Date Night holds at number seven and is coming up on $100M domestically ($142M worldwide) and they will probably leave it out there until it does so they can promote the DVD as being a $100M film. Unfortunately, the fact it cost $55M takes away from it a bit. It needs to hit $165M to be a pure theatrical success.

SMALLEST GENRE IN THE WORLD

A Nightmare on Elm Street is down to number eight, followed by How To Train Your Dragon at number nine and finally Kites opens up at number ten for all you people who wanted a Latino-Indian Romantic Adventure Thriller. Both of you.

WANNA SEE ZEUS LAUGH? MAKE A PLAN.

Saturday was not my day to get things done on time. It seemed like my day when I came out of Shrek Forever and After at 12:00 meaning I could probably be done with my ride by at least three and be able to run my errands and take a nap before the party that night. I got to the halfway point up at Innwood Park when I noticed my front tire was going flat. Given I’d just replaced the inner tube a few weeks ago, this was a bit of a surprise, but fortunately enough there’s a bike shop on Dyckman so I just got a new one and changed it right there in front of the store. I got five feet before the new one just popped, much to the amusement of the people out front, one of whom thought he was bestowing knowledge on me to tell me something has to go inside the tire. No shit, Sherlock. Because I wasn’t going to go back into the store like an idiot who didn’t know how to change a tire (remember: men would rather be physically injured than embarrassed) I hopped on the nearby 1 Train and came back to my neighborhood where I went to a bike shop that hadn’t seen my shame and had them do it. It was there I found out what I’d suspected but didn’t want to deal with: my tire was the problem. It was worn out and killing my tubes. He told me the replacement was $50 but since I’m trying not to put any more money in this damn thing, I told him to just give it back to me…and that’s when he gave me a mountain bike tire for free. So for $13 plus tip I was back out with a new tire. I was so annoyed by all this I decided to start my entire ride over, which is how a 21 mile ride which normally takes me between 90 minutes to two hours ultimately wound up a 31 mile ride stretched out over four hours. I barely had time to shower and take a 30-minute nap before making the infamous cheese dip and heading out to the party, which started, at the godawful hour of 7:00 pm. Seriously, are we farmers? Then again it was the 35^th birthday of one of my Jezebels and old people don’t want to be up too late. This was Jezebel “B” not Jezebel “A.” Jezebel A has the partying lesbians. Jezebel B is pretty hetero which is probably why it’s one of those talking-eating-drinking parties rather than a talking-eating-drinking-dancing party. You need the same-sexers to really get down. I got there a little before 10:00 pm thanks to a 40-minute ride strangely becoming an hour-and-fifteen minute ride (thank you MTA) and they were onto dessert, having killed most of the booze, including the homemade sangria I completely missed. But who the fuck starts a party at 7:00!?! It’s not like last week when we were on a deck and there was a point to starting early. It was the usual suspects plus a few more and I have to say as anti-social as I am, I do occasionally enjoy the company of a group of people I do consider as smart as I am, if not considerably smarter. Of course you wouldn’t know it by a comparison of childhood traumas induced by catching your parents acting like sexual beings. But I did meet someone who shared my belief that had Buddy Holly lived, he would have not only had as much of an impact as The Beatles, but would have preceded them in a lot of ways. I got back home around 3 or so in the morning and experienced that most unusual of occurrences: “2^nd Wave Drunk.” That’s when you don’t think you’re so drunk because you’re up and talking and your blood is flowing and there’s a modicum of adrenaline flowing, but when you lay down you’re suddenly as drunk as shit. Yeah. Good times. Hopefully, you’re asleep as soon as possible, because laying there with a moving bed is not fun. I was fortunate enough to have the former---though jolted awake around 6:00 am to rush to the bathroom deal with the effects of jerk chicken, cake and booze with no vegetables. I only wish it were vomiting. But I’d do it all again.

LULLABY OF OLD BROADWAY

I don’t do theater. I really don’t. I’m a movie/TV guy. My only live theater experiences come from when someone I know is in them. And they’d better be in them on the isle of Manhattan, because after that it gets iffy. But I did make the mistake of telling my live-performance-Broadway-loving cousin, that the one show I did try to see was Wicked. She then promised to get tickets and we’d see it in June. That was back in February. Guess who got a text of “Meet me at the Gershwin at 3:00 on Sunday.” Oh, yeah. Now my interest came from seeing Idina Menzel do “Defying Gravity” on Letterman and she was still doing the show when I was trying to see it, but I was only doing lottery. I wasn’t paying Broadway prices. I didn’t care too much, so I gave up fairly easy and not even Taye Diggs appearing could motivate me, but not only was this free, but it was family, meaning I couldn’t say no if I wanted too. Now, I’d read the book, but I know it was drastically changed because the book is one of the most needlessly dense and depressing things you will ever read. The Wicked Witch of The West (known here as Elphaba based on the initials of the original Wizard of Oz author, L. Frank Baum) has a horrible, depressing life, burying almost everyone she cares for---thanks in no small part to The Wizard who is actually her father, having drugged her mother with a green potion---and then gets killed by Dorothy. The end. They couldn’t jettison that enough for me. But the bare bones are there. The Wicked Witch of the West and Good Witch Glinda were actually roommates in college and their time there pretty much sets the stage for all you see in the Wizard of Oz movie from The Tin Man (accidentally created by Elphaba’s sister from a man she loved but couldn’t have) to the Cowardly Lion (a cub Elphaba saved with her doomed lover) to even the Scarecrow (originally her lover whom she transforms in order to save him from death), but with a happy ending this time, though that’s not hard to do. It’s a fun show, though like most musicals there are songs that make you want to take a nap. Fortunately “Defying Gravity” single-handedly sweeps most of them away. Unfortunately for the performers they just seem to be echoes of Idina Menzel (who won a Tony) and Kristen Chenoweth. I’ve only seen clips of their performances and it seems they stamped the roles forever. It was nice end to month or so of being social which quite frankly has exhausted the shit out of me. I’m looking forward to just sitting home alone again eating pork products in my underwear. Especially since it’s going to start up again in June with at least two parties already on my docket and at least one more coming and that one has hard-partying lesbians, so I’ll need my rest.

ROBIN RE-DEUX

1. Iron Man 2/Paramount Wknd/$ 53.0 Total/$ 212.2

2. Robin Hood/Universal Wknd/$ 37.1 Total/$ 37.1

3. Letters to Juliet/ Wknd/$ 13.8 Total/$ 13.8

4. Just Wright/FoxSearchlight Wknd/$ 8.5 Total/$ 8.5

5. How To Train Your Dragon/Para Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 207.8

6. A Nightmare on Elm Street/WB Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 56.1

7. Date Night/Fox Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 86.7

8. The Back Up Plan/CBS Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 34.2

9. Furry Vengeance/ Wknd/$ 2.3 Total/$ 15.1

10. Clash of the Titans/Warner Wknd/$ 1.3 Total/$ 160.2

BLONDE. BIG BOOBS. NOTHING ELSE SEEMS TO MATTER.

Iron Man 2 holds at number one and what this is missing is a big “daylight hero moment.” Iron Man isn’t Batman so why do both films have their climatic battles happening at night when you can’t see jack shit? He’s known as “Golden Avenger” in the comics and you need light for gold to shine, right? Even worse is we have Don Cheadle replacing Terrence Howard as Rhodey who dons a second suit of armor to become War Machine. He’s silver. Know how that looks at night? Exactly. The first film at least had the great scene where he goes to war and kicks ass in broad daylight, fighting actual bad guys. There’s no such scene here to the detriment of the film…much like the casting of Scarlett Johansson. One thing about the first Iron Man movie is that it was nothing but adults. Pretty much no one under 35 in the film. That leant it an air of gravitas, that no matter how fantastic, this was an adult movie. Not so much when your supposed femme fatale looks 14. Now the Black Widow in the comics is a Soviet Super spy who becomes an agent of SHIELD under Nick Fury. This kid couldn’t possibly know anything about the Soviet Union so she’s pretty much made into “generic action female.” There’s nothing unique about her. Also, even though Mickey Rourke’s character is Russian nothing is made of the fact that The Black Widow is also Russian. Here we learned she modeled in Japan. Yawn. They should have cast Mila Jovovich. She’s an old hand at action and she’s over 30. Also, Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn’t look so much like a boy standing next to her. I swear there’s a scene of Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansson walking up stairs side-by-side and the difference between their bodies is night and day. That’s the only reason I can think of how she got this role. And what the hell is it with hiring blondes to be redheads!?!

AND WHERE THE HELL ARE THE TIGHTS!?!

Robin Hood opens at number two and do you remember how Christian Slater as Will Scarlet turned out to be Kevin Costner’s bastard brother in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves? Yeah, no one does. See, the only thing people remember about that movie is Kevin Costner’s bad accent. Not even Morgan Freeman gets a pass. Yeah, see you forgot he was even in that. This will join it on the heap living in the shadow of Errol Flynn’s classic, because unlike modern versions, they had the idea it should be fun. Even the underrated classic, Robin and Marian was downer. People don’t got to see Robin Hood to see accurate depictions of 10^th Century England anymore than they want “daddy issues” which this has in common with Kevin Costner’s version. I mean, does Errol Flynn even mention a parent? Like Prince of Thieves and Robin & Marian, Robin is returning from the Crusades. Like Robin & Marian, Richard the Lionhearted is not only insane, but dead before Robin returns to England, but unlike all others before this Robin has never been to Sherwood and Little John and Will Scarlett are his fellow Crusaders. There are versions of the Robin Hood legend where he’s a nobleman and others where he’s a common man. This reconciles them by making Sir Robin of Loxley aide-to-the king a separate person who also dies trying to return the crown to England. He makes Robin Longstride promise to return not only the crown, his sword to his [Loxley’s] father in Sherwood (because he also had daddy issues) where the elder Loxley lives with Robin Loxley’s wife, Maid Marian, who’s currently fighting off both the advances of the Sheriff of Nottingham and the wild boys who live in Sherwood Forest and steal from the town (you see where this is going right?). Longstride has to pretend to be Loxley to get across the channel, but once in Sherwood, is asked to keep pretending to be Loxely by Loxley’s father who---surprise---knew Longstride’s father! What is new in this film are the villains, aka, The French. Yes, Godfrey aligns himself with the French and is encouraging Prince John (he’s king this time, but you wouldn’t know who it was if I called him that) to brutally crack down on tax gathering so sow unrest and allow for invasion. The only better than English-accented villains, are French villains, period. Also new is that Eleanor of Aquitaine is here, trying to reign in her last remaining son. It was getting to the point I half expected Ivanhoe to show up at one point. I mean, William Hurt is here (yeah, William Hurt), so why not? It’s not a bad Robin Hood retelling, but it’s not exceptional either. What’s really funny is that going for authenticity backfires when your stars are actually past the life expectancy of the period. Sean Connery was the same age when he played middle-aged, autumn of his years Robin Hood as Russell Crowe is here playing a Robin Hood just beginning his career (46). This should have been a movie Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley made, not Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett (who at least has a line of expository dialogue describing herself as being an old maid by the standards of the time).

ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD

Letters To Juliet opens at number three and no, it’s not your imagination. You did just see a romantic comedy set in Europe involving an American girl involved with one guy who seemed to busy for her, but spending time with another guy on a road trip. That was called Leap Year and it took place in Ireland with a redhead. This is Letters To Juliet and takes place in Italy with a blonde. See?

AND I NEVER WANT TO INSULT WOOD

Just Wright opens at number four and I’ll join everyone else and say Queen Latifah deserves a better movie than this. She makes a wonderfully charming lead (mainly because she’s playing herself), but is failed by an unimaginative script and a leading man whose name aptly describes his acting talent, Common. Common approaches each and every scene with a strangely surprised look on his face like a four year old boy seeing the giant blue whale at the Museum of Natural History for the first time. And after that comes the “acting” that to describe as “wooden” would be kind to him and an insult to wood. It’s a by-the-numbers story kept afloat by her and her alone as they fail to make any of the other characters even remotely interesting or memorable. And when they do try to give a character some depth it’s thirty seconds of expository dialogue too little, too late to explain what’s been going on for the last hour-and-a-half.

LIKE A PLAGUE HE’S SPREADING…

How To Train Your Dragon is down to number five, followed by A Nightmare on Elm Street at number six and Date Night at number seven oddly giving Common two films in the top ten.

IN THE DIRECTOR’S CUT EVERYONE DIES IN THE FINAL ACT

The Back Up Plan is down to number eight and believe it or not this piece of fluff comes from a man who directed episodes of Rome, Big Love and Six Feet Under. I guess he felt due for a serious break on drama.

ON THE OTHER HAND HE’S GIVING BAD MOVIES MORE WEIGHT THAN THEY DESERVE

Furry Vengeance is down to number nine with Clash of the Titans closing out the top ten and this gives Danny Huston two films in the top ten as he’s also in Robin Hood.

AMAZONS UNDER THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE

You know the saying “what good does it do a man to gain the whole world if he loses his soul?” Well, I’ll tell you what good it does: a two-bedroom duplex on the South Street Seaport with an outdoor deck on each level. I was at one such place this weekend for a party thrown by Not Reese Witherspoon (the beautiful Nordic blonde who recently got married), for one of her fabulous gay friends. It’s the clear benefit of “working for the man.” Her husband works in finance and she works for the devil himself: Wal-Mart. But the payoff is they have two decks both with a view of the Brooklyn Bridge. Of course they won’t see me down there in the winter, but on a nice spring night, your soul suddenly feels like baggage you don’t need. Especially when it’s keeping you from a view. In fact, the need to use the deck is why the party was scheduled to start around 4:30. I got there at six. Sorry, but I had to ride my bike and take in some of the 9^th Avenue Food Festival. A further delay came when Surrogate Sister (who had invited me) told me I had to dress. I was planning to go in cargo shorts and t-shirt before being informed she’d made her husband change his outfit, so that was not going to fly. See, Not Reese Witherspoon was formerly in fashion and all her friends (including Surrogate Sister) are like-mined. The birthday boy is a buyer for Saks, for god’s sake. As she told me “The Fashion Police will be in effect.” I decided to go with a white linen shirt with jeans with a faded blue wash and casual white sneakers and it was a wise decision as both Not Reese Witherspoon and Surrogate Sister were also in white linen, garnering me instant approval. We looked like an old-school Benetton ad. Another one of the fashion police was a redhead with her own jewelry line who also had waist-length ponytail, which made her look like a character from Wonder Woman called Artemis (who once took over for Wonder Woman). It was an apt comparison as she would later display a similar attitude. As soon as I walked in my white shoes came up, because her disapproval was something she’d been discussing with early with her 60-something uncle---who’d been a fit model for 30 years. As is the prerogative of pretty people, he looked like he was in his 50’s. I didn’t get an opinion from the other male model who came with Heidi (who makes handbags). Heidi was also at the wedding and I respect her now more than ever because her date at the wedding was the man I called “Mancandy” another obvious model. She clearly accessorizes people. But Artemis and Heidi later had a disturbingly casual conversation about plastic surgery, as the Heidi had a small bruise under her left eye from a recent procedure (I’m assuming botox). Artemis broke it down to Heidi just what she should have gotten done, how it should be done and why she should get in her doctor’s ass over it clearly being done wrong. It was interesting, sad and scary all at the same time. It got scarier when Artemis discussed how she does business, which was in a serious “don’t fuck with my money” fashion. I guess what made it scary was that she seemed to be flirting with me at the time, but as is my way, I clearly did something wrong as she left the outside group for the inside group and never came back. Later I heard she mistook my utter incompetence for “being a player.” That’s the second biggest compliment I’ve gotten this month. The biggest was one night when five incredibly pretty Asian girls clearly going to or coming from a party where they wore little Catwoman ears and librarian glasses were walking up 9^th Avenue. After they passed, I turned to get another look at them to find one looking back at me. Yes, I’m easily pleased. In any case, once dinner was done (a lasagna made with spicy sausage, amazing garlic bread, mozzarella on sliced tomoatoes; poached salmon and something green I didn’t touch) and the drinks took hold, we of the outside group cranked up the iPod and the deck dancing began, the goal being as old school as we could find. That was achieved when “Double Dutch Bus” came on and I was immediately yanked back to the Regan years (it was later used in Missy Elliot's "Gossip Folks"). This continued on until we’d more or less danced ourselves sober at which point it was time to go home, even as the group of people who’d arrived later where breaking open more wine to begin the late shift. Not me. I closed a bar with my sister last week and actually have invitations to two parties this week, at least one I have to make. I have to pace myself. I’m too old for this shit.

DEATH NEEDS A PORTRAIT

Fantasy and heavy metal lost a god this week when Frank Frazetta, he of heavily muscled men and thick thighed women died. Heavy metal suffered another loss with the death of James Dio and we all lost Lena Horne. Damn. This is seriously happening every week. I mean none of them were young but some people live so long you think they’ll never die.

MAN OF IRON, LOGIC OF TISSUE

1. Iron Man 2/Paramount Wknd/$ 133.6 Total/$ 133.6

2. A Nightmare on Elm Street/WB Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 48.5

3. How To Train Your Dragon/Para Wknd/$ 6.8 Total/$ 201.1

4. Date Night/Fox Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 80.9

5. The Back Up Plan/CBS Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 29.4

6. Furry Vengeance/ Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 11.6

7. Clash of the Titans/Warner Wknd/$ 2.3 Total/$ 157.8

8. Death At A Funeral/ Wknd/$ 2.1 Total/$ 38.3

9. The Losers/Warner Wknd/$ 1.8 Total/$ 21.5

10.Babies/Focus Wknd/$ 1.6 Total/$ 1.6

IRON PLAN?

Iron Man 2 opens at number one and you know what I look for in action adventure movies based on comic books? Warring industrialists. Okay, no one looks for that, but I guess because it worked somewhat in the first Iron Man they decided to give it another shot. I mean, if you think about it, Iron Man was built around an attempted corporate coup. This is more of the same and that’s the flaw of it. Not to mention there’s some regression of the character of Tony Stark. In the first we had the clichéd, but effectively used device of the narcissist who discovers himself by literally losing his heart, but as this opens up his altruistic “leaf-turn” is only given lip service. We’re told he’s making the world a better place but never really shown how. In the first we saw him give up weapons making and intercede in a war, but we see nothing like that here. Is he fighting terrorism in the armor? Feeding the poor? Killing spammers? We don’t know, but what we do know is that he’s got a rival in seemingly equally eccentric, rich arms maker, Justin Hammer and in a perfect bit of irony, just as Tony Stark is pretty much a variation of every character Robert Downey Jr has played, Sam Rockwell, pretty much playing that same odd character he always plays as his rival (he even breaks out the dance he did in Charlie’s Angels). At least in the comics, Justin Hammer is an evil industrialist who finances super-villains in return for some of what they steal. Here he’s just incompetent competitor who doesn’t even want Tony Stark dead. What fun is that? Jeff Bridges actually engaged in illegal arms dealing, killed people and did try to wipe him out. The actual bad guy in this is Mickey Rourke (in a weird combination of Whiplash and The Titanium Man) who wants Tony Stark destroyed because his father once worked with Tony Stark’s father but got screwed over. Okay, maybe we’re still lacking a good bad guy after all, because this just makes him the jealous kid who lives next door. He’s got no plan of world domination, or revenge through the deaths of millions. He’s not even after money. As Tony Stark points out, he could have done well just by selling his version of what Iron Man has, but instead has this odd plan of making him look bad and then he’ll be destroyed by others? Um, so you didn’t mean to kill him by attacking with your electro-whips? That was a feint? Your real plan was to rot in a French prison while his stock prices went down? Basically the only people Iron Man is fighting in this one are people who just don’t like him personally, which is almost everyone at one point. Don’t feel bad, Terrence Howard, on being replaced by Don Cheadle. At the end of the day you were in the better movie.

AND MORE KATE WINSLET NAKED

A Nightmare on Elm Street is down to number two and isn’t this now a weird sequel to Little Children given that Jackie Earle Hurley played a child molester in that one too. I’d pay to see A Nightmare on Elm Street with that same narration: “Freddie decided he’d attack the children of all his victims in their sleep. He hoped they wouldn’t be staying up late to watch Letterman as he’d like to begin the slaughter early, having an important meeting the next morning.”

THE UNCANNY B-MEN

How To Train Your Dragon is down to number three, followed by Date Night at number four and The Back Up Plan at number five and the male star of this is Alex O’Loughlin, one of those B-list pretty boys you see regularly supporting A-list actresses. They’re tall, good looking and seemingly made to be leading men, but are either just a little bland or there’s already someone doing their shtick better, like Josh Lucas to Matthew McConughey or Dermot Mulroney who has always looked like a goofy version of Keanu Reeves. Despite his name, O’Loughlin is actually Australian and the tall, good-looking Australian of the moment is Hugh Jackman, who actually has some sex appeal. Even amongst bland, Australian leading men he’s outdone by Sam Worthington who at least looks like he’d try to fuck you on the first date, while Alex here is so lacking in sex appeal, he looks like he might set off your gaydar at least once during the evening.

SHOWS SO HORRIBLE THEY HAVE NO SYNDICATION LIFE

Furry Vengeance is down to number six and you can’t hate on Brooke Shields for being here. You’re actually just glad to see her working with one of the few men her age she doesn’t dwarf. Some of us are still trying to suppress the memory there as ever a sitcom called Suddenly Susan, which ran for four fucking years! What’s wrong with you people? I’ll bet it was you same muthafuckas who kept Caroline In The City on for five years.

THE CRUEL IRONY OF SPECIAL EFFECTS GENERATED FAME

Clash of the Titans is down to number seven despite being the star of this, Avatar and Terminator Salvation last year, you wouldn’t know Sam Worthington walking down the street. What’s the point of being in big movies if low self-esteem women don’t know they’re supposed to sleep with you? If you have to tell the skank wearing little more than a belt that you’re famous, then you really aren’t.

LOST BOY

Death At A Funeral is down to number eight followed by The Losers at number nine and also in this is Jason Patric, one of the big douchebag actors of the late 80’s early 90’s. You know, one of those fuckers who goes a little method and thinks he’s above things like promoting his film? Claims to prefer indie films to mainstream work, then does shit like Speed 2? Well, he’s gotten the career he deserved, playing the eccentric villain in a B-action movie. And it suits him because it requires very little acting. Aside from his professional douchebag status, he was best friends with Keifer Sutherland when Sutherland was engaged to Julia Roberts. When that broke off, he and Roberts took off to Europe together and started dating. Then the big gossip that year was that he did heroin and she joined him. Ah, the 90’s.

I DON’T EVEN SEE THE BABIES OF MY FRIENDS

Finally, Babies opens at number ten and yes, babies are cute and yes, that trailer is adorable, but ultimately it looks like a 90 minute home movie and I just don’t have the time.

WE ARE FAMILY/I GOT MY BABY SISTER WITH ME

My baby sister came to visit and before you say anything I don’t care if she’s 33, I changed her diapers, she’s my baby sister! Actually, she didn’t come to visit me as much see A-Ha on their farewell tour with a group of her friends. Yes, A-Ha still tours, but now it’s coming to an end. In fact she made it clear when she arrived on Wednesday that she didn’t expect to see me until Saturday night for dinner and drinks. I love my family. We leave each other the hell alone. We were supposed to meet at Death & Company, but it was a little to hip so we wound up two doors down at Cherry Tavern, where the employees St. Mark’s Comic go to drink. In fact, I have to go back there on Monday for one such gathering. Apparently my sister likes it on the divey side, as she had a great time the previous night at Eastern Bloc, a divey gay bar. Yes, my sister is a bit of a hag. One of the friends she was here with she describes as “My Gay Husband.” Well, The Cherry Tavern was just divey enough, thanks in no small part to the bartender who looked like an ex-porn star and to my delight and surprise, my sister also enjoys the game of watching people and making up a backstory for them. It was the first thing she and her friends did at dinner about the bartender, before moving onto the table filled with girls next to us. Eight of them looked like typical girls dressed up for a night out, while two at the end were, shall we say, “different.” While everyone else was long hair and dresses they were shorthaired and in jeans. Oh, and couldn’t stop groping one another. The theory was it was a sorority girl reunion with two of Tri Delts having made a little lifestyle change since graduation. As it turns out it was a birthday party, but the social isolation remained the same. Then the story they made up changed one girl being the birthday girl’s sister who showed up with her girlfriend kinda just to piss her sister off. This was somewhat substantiated by the fact the followers of sappho left early, before sing “Happy Birthday” at dessert. Because she’s my sister, after dinner and before a return to the bar, we stopped by St. Mark’s Comics where I was jointly berated for not feeding my sister’s geek habit. Forgive me for wanting her to be normal. We then returned to Cherry Tavern and their $5 Tecate-and-a-tequila shot special and continued the observation of humans, this time with the remnants of a bachelorette party meeting up with a birthday party. We quickly identified the Alphas of each group and the accompanying subordinates. With men in at least groups of threes it’s usually The Alpha, Second In Command and Dork. With women it’s Alpha, Prude and Slut. Now, these can obviously be combined and there’s room for others like Nice Guy/Girl. The Alpha can be both a Prude and Nice, but never a Slut or Dork, while you can also be a Second who’s Nice and Prude, but while you can be a Second-In-Command Slut, you can never be a Second-In-Command dork. And looks don’t matter as much as you think, as the Alpha Female was clearly the bride-to-be. The fact she was least attractive meant nothing. She was getting married, the rest were still out here looking. She was the winner and she knew it and didn’t pretend otherwise. The Prude and The Slut were all-too easily identified. The Prude never so much as loosened her checkered Burberry raincoat, while The Slut doffed hers immediately to reveal bare shoulders despite the fact they had the door open and it was cold on Saturday night. She was basically presenting herself like a red-ass baboon. The Alpha Male was a bit of jerk, but he also the tallest and had an apartment two blocks away, securing his dominant status. He would consult with the Second occasionally on their plans to get girls back there. It only became sadder as the night wore on, because there were only two girls to choose from, as the Alpha Girl was clearly taken and proud of it, while two other girls who also came but stood slightly apart were clearly somewhat of a couple. It was clear The Alpha would choose one while the others would have to duke it out for the remaining girl or share her. Sadly, The Slut was probably willing to be shared. Her low self-esteem was palpable to the point we almost wanted to step in and help her, but you can’t save people from themselves. As they were finally leaving, the bouncer stopped her to say something and we imagined even he felt badly and was trying to warn her off. After that we continued drinking and amused ourselves with the jukebox, eventually shutting the bar down at 4:00 am. I cannot remember the last time I did that and I can promise you it will be awhile before it happens again. This more than justifies my need to keep my sisters away from me.

JUST IN TIME FOR FROZEN MARGARITA SEASON

My blender died. Well, it didn’t die so much as go insane. Somewhere down the line it developed a short and would come on whenever the hell it felt like, so I go into the habit of filling it with whatever, then going about my business until it started. Unfortnately, this became very tiresome, very quickly so I had to get a new one. Fortunately, I found $20 in the street and then got a 20% off coupon from bed, bath & beyond. This resulted in my new Oyster blender only costing $12. It’s not as good as the free Black & Deck one which just died on me, but you can’t beat $12 for a quality name blender, especially one Consumer Reports ranked #3 out of 39 and the two above it cost $400. But if that’s $360 worth of noise suppression I can understand. This sucker ain’t quiet.

EVEN THREE MORE WORDS: BACON FLAVORED MAYO

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street/WB Wknd/$ 32.2 Total/$ 32.2

2. How To Train Your Dragon/Para Wknd/$ 10.8 Total/$ 178.0

3. Date Night/Fox Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 73.6

4. The Back Up Plan/CBS Wknd/$ 7.2 Total/$ 23.0

5. Furry Vengeance/ Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 6.5

6. The Losers/Warner Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 18.1

7. Clash of the Titans/Warner Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 154.0

8. Kick Ass/LGF Wknd/$ 4.5 Total/$ 42.2

9. Death At A Funeral/ Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 34.8

10. Oceans/Disney Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 13.5

SHOULD HAVE BEEN ST. ELM STREET

A Nightmare on Elm Street opens at number one and I was never into the original series for the obvious reason: I don’t do the scary. I don’t care how goofy it eventually was, its intent was to terrify. But believe it or not, I did see the first, which pretty much made sure I saw no others. Teenagers been slaughtered because of something their parents did doesn’t sound like fun to me. Not to mention it’s the perfect revenge, because knowing your kids are being slaughtered because of you is actually worse than death. But I was just hitting stage of my life where I was beginning to question suspension of disbelief in movies and that they thought the first guy murdered his girlfriend when her blood was on the ceiling was just too stupid for me. So, to wrap up, I hate being scared and I hate when they’re stupid about it and I really don’t see how you can have bloody drag marks across the ceiling in this post-CSI world and have anyone think it’s proof of murder. Then there’s the fact they give it the nasty modern twist of Freddie being a child molester, not a murderer, who is murdered by the parents of the children and so it’s those children he molested that he goes after. Now how fucking creepy is that? First you’re bad touched by the ugly kid from Bad News Bears, then one day he shows up to kill you because your dad killed him for raping you. How much did your short life suck? Of course if they had any real balls or imagination, they’d have made Freddy a priest. Yeah, I said it.

SOMETHING THE YOUNG PEOPLE WILL ENJOY

How To Train Your Dragon is down to number two, followed by Date Night at number three and also in this are James Franco, Mila Kunis and Leighton Meester, basically to ease up on that age curve, though James Franco has seemingly been “young” a looooong time now. What, did he start at 14?

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE JOYCES, BABY (JAMES JOYCE IS ON THE IRISH POUND)

The Back Up Plan is down to number four and while I am loathe to defend JLo and her delusions of grandeur (she thinks she was part of the girl pop wave of Britney and Christina when both were well-established a year before her first single) this was hardly some flop. It only cost $35M and made $12M the very first weekend. Also, JLo makes her money overseas. Monster In Law made another $70M overseas after $80M domestic. Shall We Dance made $60M overseas after $58M domestic. And it’s been like this since her first “Me & A White Guy Fall In Love” movie, The Wedding Planner. $60M domestic, $35M international, from a budget of $28M. So she could really give a shit about all of these people saying “It’s over” because at the end of the day, she’s not counting dollars, but Euros, Peso, Lire, Yen, Pounds, etc.

I’D SOONER SEE ENCINO MAN 2 AND I NEVER SAW THE FIRST ONE

Furry Vengeance opens at number five and Brendan Fraser…what the fuck, man? You were never “Mr. Quality” but you could be fun. With no Indiana Jones in the world, your Mummy movies were good for some summertime movie air conditioner watching. There were even stabs at legitimacy, like Gods and Monsters, but at the end the day you clearly lean more toward shit than shinola, even eventually ruining even The Mummy franchise with an ill-advised move to go on without co-star, Rachel Weisz and Stephen Sommers directing. Now, it’s clear you’re not even trying any longer, doing some shit even The Rock would pass on now and he’s clearly doing any family crap that you throw his way. Just get a sitcom already, man.

THIS AIN’T LOSING A DIME

The Losers is down to number six and again, when a movie that only cost $25M and makes $9M it’s opening weekend and is now up to $18M without even a single overseas release where action films always do well if not better, it’s hardly some sort of catastrophic failure. I mean, how do you think Troy became successful? It made almost three times as much internationally than it did in the US. That said, also in this is Chris Evans , picture perfect as one of the wise-ass supporting characters, pretty much solidifying his being cast as Captain America as one of the biggest mistakes since Nicholas Cage was first cast as Superman (then casting him as Ghost Rider). Exactly where in the history of Chris Evans does he demonstrate the ability to be the straight man and not the wiseass!?! Never, that’s where! Captain America is to the Marvel Universe what Superman is the DC Universe: that straight up, stick-in-the mud boy scout with no angst, no suffering and no hesitation to do what is right and always winning. And he’s tall! Not a mere six feet, which in Hollywood parlance means Chris Evans is actually 5’10” – 5’11” at best. Ten years ago, this should have been Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker. He ain’t the best actor in the world, but he’s tall, blonde, good-looking and has that sort of intense gaze that someone like Captain America needs. Chris Evans is Bucky, the sidekick.

JASON & THE ARGONAUTS: PLATINUM FLEECE

Clash of the Titans is down to number seven and they’re talking about making a sequel. Um, how? Greek myths are finite stories for the most part. There really isn’t “Trojan War II: This Time For A Finer Babe.” “Hercules: 12 More Fucking Labors.” Heroes either settle down and get married or die. That’s it. Not to mention the weakest part of this is the story so it’s not like these people have the most vivid imaginations, but I guess they figure throw in some giant monsters and don’t worry about it. I wish I could say they were wrong, but at $427M worldwide off a $125M budget, they’re already turning a profit.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND PROBABLY ALREADY HAS A PURPLE WIG

Kick Ass is down to number eight and we’re going to do this one more time for those in the cheap seats: $30M budget, $71M worldwide. Not even remotely close to a failure. Not that I care. I started forgetting about this movie the moment I left the theater and probably will have totally forgotten about it by the time all the Hit Girl costumes show up at Halloween to remind me.

KINDA LIKE A GHETTO PASS, BUT NOT REALLY

Death At A Funeral is down to number nine and the oddest thing about minority films is, if you’re a white guy in them, you have a lifetime appreciation for it. Judd Nelson can still get some Alize in a club for New Jack City. Simon Baker can get into the VIP section for “something new” and now, both Luke Wilson and James Marsden now have it for this. Sad how easy it is to please us, no?

WHEN GRANDPA WAS BOY THE OCEANS WERE BLUE AND THERE LIFE IN THEM

Finally Oceans holds onto the top ten at ten and given what’s going on in the Gulf right now it’s a good thing this was recorded for posterity.

JUST CALL IT THE DOWNTOWN NY FILM FESTIVAL ALREADY

The Tribeca Film Festival came to a close this weekend and where once upon a time I’d buy my tickets to three or four films in advance, that this had even started escaped me and I wound up only making it to one. It would have been more except this year, choosing not to buy your tickets online because you didn’t want to pay their sphincter violating fees and buying at the gate was impossible because the screenings were held smack dab in the middle of NYU, The New School, and Cooper Union at the 12^th Street Theaters. There’s no competing with college kids who literally live across the street from the theater. It was different when the screenings were actually held in Tribeca or scattered all over the city like in previous years. But in middle of college town there was no chance for the cheap, the lazy or the old, of which I am all three. To see a film I actually had to take a day off from work. I mean, I was going to do it anyway because cabin fever has started to set in and our next holiday isn’t until Labor Day weekend and I couldn’t wait. My initial goal was to find a bar downtown and make camp, taking advantage of those happy hours that strangely start in the middle of the afternoon. I never understood why or who was going to them before, but now they make perfect sense to me. Now I just added seeing a film to the plan. The film I actually got to see was Meskada, a crime drama dealing with class issues in America. I love movies dealing with class differences in the US because while we like to pretend they don’t exist---especially beyond race---The Jersey Shore is proof that they do and people have no problem laughing at those they consider “low class.” In this film home invaders kill a young boy and the detective in charge of this case deduces they come from a economically suffering neighboring town (also in Meskada County). His hometown, in fact. It takes far too long to get there, but the film finally starts moving when the detective finally reveals to his superiors what he knows and the mother of the dead boy who sits on a council determining development in the county uses her influence to stop a factory from being built there and in the best scene in the movie, has a meltdown at townhall meeting where she swears to burn the other town to the ground until she gets her son’s killers. It could have, should have been so much better than it was. Like I said, it takes too long to get to the class struggle and isn’t fully explored like it should have been. Why is it the detective hasn’t been home since his father died? How is he viewed for leaving and never coming back? How the fuck is it he only has two or three people who seem to know him given he grew up there? In a better film he would have known the killers and been viewed with both envy and resentment for leaving. Not to mention it would have been made clear that when he first goes to his hometown looking for suspects on the downlow, he knew what would happen if it got out. And most of all, there should have been a girl left behind. What’s funny is that it was written and directed by someone on-staff at NYU, I’m assuming in film. You’d think he’d know better not to make all these mistakes. Or maybe it’s true what they say: “Those who can’t do, teach. Those who can’t teach, teach gym.”

ROCK OF LOVE IV: IT’S REAL THIS TIME BECAUSE I ALMOST DIED

Death has slowed down, but only a little. I missed Alex Chilton of The Box Tops (“The Letter”) and Big Star, one of those groups that musicians and music snobs love, but actual people never supported, but was more than aware of Guru of Gang Starr. While I don’t own anything by Gang Starr or Guru’s Jazzmatazz albums, they are still on the soundtrack of my life at that time, as I recall them playing in background all the time. Finally, Death tried to take Brett Michaels the same way she apparently tried to take me and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit this was freaking me out a bit because I never really accepted that I had a potentially fatal problem. Ignorance is bliss, children. But in additional to my doctor’s amazement that I suffered not even a tiny neurological after-effect, I couldn’t help but read about Brett Michaels when the vultures gathered around and listed all the different ways he could develop complications and die (go fuck yourself, Donald Trump). Complications I could have developed. Thankfully, he’s all right now and will be back in the saddle in the next month or so, as I was back at work in September after losing August the last half of July ’07. Now, I’ll just shove all those bad scary thoughts back down into the pit of ignorance and denial where they belong. Bye, bye.

THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMING

Yes, I found some bacon-flavored mayonnaise. Life is good.