MAD MAXINE

1. Horton Hears A Who/Fox Wknd/$ 45.1 Total/$ 45.1
2. 10,000 B.C./Warner Wknd/$ 16.4 Total/$ 61.2
3. Never Back Down/Sum. Wknd/$ 8.6 Total/$ 8.6
4. College Road Trip/Touchstone Wknd/$ 7.9 Total/$ 24.3
5. Vantage Point/Sony Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 59.2
6. The Bank Job/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 13.1
7. Doomsday/Universal Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 4.7
8. Semi-Pro/New Line Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 29.8
9. The Other Boleyn Girl/Sony Wknd/$ 2.9 Total/$ 14.6
10. The Spiderwick Chronicles/Par Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 65.4

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Horton Hears A Who opens at number one and apparently Jim Carrey is undaunted by the fact there’s a special level of hell being prepared for people who keep making shitty adaptations of Dr. Seuss books. I guess he knows his fate is sealed due to the unforgivable sin that was The Grinch, so why not make some more family film cash? His career definitely needed the jump. Everyone knows the story of Horton, but that would hardly fill a ninety minute movie so you pad the hell out of it and that’s where the simple brilliance of Dr. Seuss ends and the neverending Hollywood crap begins, which why Horton now has a band of wacky pals, why the Who that speaks to has a goth/emo Who son that he doesn’t get along with, why a vulture is now hired to destroy the speck Horton is protecting (what the fuck?) and why for some reason the song the Whos sing to save themselves is REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight This Feeling.” Let me put it this way, it’s from the people who brought you the dungheap that was Ice Age. Yeah, now you understand. They’re the last to get the memo that throwing in a cheesy pop song would be funny in an ironic manner. Journey is cheesy fun. REO Speedwagon was shit then and it’s shit now. It’s a tragedy that not even time can make into comedy. You’d have to bring me children I never knew I had to make me see this. Oh, and yes, these are the same Whos from The Grinch, so yes, The Grinch is technically somewhere on the dust mote as well.

WHAT’S THE CAVEMAN EQUIVILENT OF A D.A.? MATURE HUNTER GATHERER?
10,000 B.C. drops to number two and remember the joke from First Wives Club about three roles available for women in Hollywood, “Hot Babe, District Attorney and Driving Miss Daisy”? Well, in ancient times it apparently went directly from “Hot Babe” to “Miss Daisy” because the only two female roles present are the hot babe---who is of course foretold to be the bride of the prophecy hero---and the old woman who tells the prophecy. Any actual science that shows that women did as much hunting and gathering as men has no place here. Men hunt and women wait at home. We don’t even get some token ahead-of-her-time feminist characterization (there’s even an opening for it as she’s the sole survivor of a tribe of blue-eye people---an obvious lift from Clan of the Cave Bear) so she can kick a little ass and not just be a prize men fight over. She’s played by Camilla Belle who’s one of those girls that’s scary pretty and has been since she popped out of the womb. No ugly duckling period. If anyone but me had seen Practical Magic, you’d know her as the girl who was far too pretty to ever grow into Sandra Bullock.

AND IN THE JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME ROLE…DJIMON HOUNSOU?
Never Back Down opens surprisingly at number three but now that Step Up 2 is gone, I guess there’s nothing left for people 13-23 to go see. I should have known something was up when my baby sister confessed to wanting to see it. Things have changed since I was kid because apparently kickboxing has become big with the kids, to the point where they throw parties and have impromptu matches. The alpha male in school isn’t a football player, but the sociopathic underground kickboxing champion (which still more believable than Freddie Prinze Jr. as the lacrosse stud of She’s All That). And no, he’s not Asian. He’s a rich, blonde white boy. He kicks the ass of the new kid in town so now the new kid has got to go train with local master to get back the eye of the tiger. Oops! Wrong movie where a black guy teaches some white kick to ass. I suppose it’s progress in a martial arts movie were no Asian is either the evil guy or the sage instructor, but it does seem odd. I mean, imagine a movie about street dancing where everyone is either White or Asian (you don’t have to: it was called Step Up 2). I’d like to think I’m better than this, but if I were 14, I probably would have been first in line to see this crap.

LIKE MEN, IT’S THE UGLY OLD LESBIANS WITH ALL THE CASH
College Road Trip is down to number four, followed by Vantage Point at number five and The Bank Job at number six and also in this is Saffron Burrows and they must’ve had Jason Statham standing on a box for their scenes together because this ex-model is six feet tall and Statham is…not. For a moment she seemed to be poised to become the English Hot Chick Of The Moment in Hollywood, but didn’t get the memo that she cannot be a redhea, only a brunette. Even blondes fail and they tried from Susan George to Patsy Kensit, but none have had the staying power of Jacqueline Bisset or even Elizabeth Hurley. Kate Beckinsale is now “the one” but even Minnie Driver (who was her rival in Circle of Friends) did better. Redheads are evil and even with hot accents, they have to do things like marry Tom Cruise in order to succeed. Of course Minnie Driver also hooked up with Matt Damon, while Saffaron Burrows has had to keep her rumored same-sex tendencies on the downlow. Yeah, Portia DeRossi could have done so much better than Ellen it’s not even funny.

MAD MAXINE
Doomsday opens disappointingly at number seven and I went to see this for the sole purpose of seeing a hot woman with an accent in a tank top kick ass and take names and that’s exactly what I got. This movie is nothing less than Escape From New York, The Road Warrior, 28 Days Later, Resident Evil and---and I’m not kidding here---Lord of The Rings all wrapped up into one blood-spattered package. Totally ridiculous, utterly absurd, painfully derivative…and I loved every fucking minute of it! Rhona Mitra is one-eyed badass Eden Sinclair (which couldn’t be more a video game name) and she’s seemingly making up for not getting the Lara Croft role despite having played her first for video game promotion and having a real English accent (though her boobs are fake and she’ll be the first to tell you). Ironically, she was also in a Beowulf movies a few year ago. Anyway, apparently in another month a virus will break out in Scotland and the English being the bastards they are, throw up a wall and leave everyone there to die. Eden’s mother gets her out on the last chopper out, but Eden loses an eye in the process. 25 years later she’s a badass cop with a detachable eye that also works as a video recorder. She gets selected as part of a team to go in and find a cure since there appear to be survivors and the virus is back in London. The world she finds inside is a combination of The Road Warrior, The Warriors, Escape From New York and…English pop of the 80’s. I’m not kidding, when the mohawked leader of one group of survivors brings out a member of her team to be cooked and eaten (graphically I might add), the music he plays is Adam Ant’s “Kings of the Wild Frontier.” He then does a dance number to Fine Young Cannibals’ “Good Thing.” The other group of survivors lives a medieval style life in a castle as the movie becomes Lord of the Rings (we see a helicopter shot of them as they walk along the green hills of Scotland) and Braveheart and every gladiator movie you’ve ever seen as she’s put into an arena to fight a fully armored knight. Needless to say, she kicks his ass they way she’s kicked ass since first appearing onscreen (at one point a character says to her, “You just don’t give a fuck, do you?” which is the highest compliment you can give a balls out action hero). This continues after they find a mint condition Bentley to make their escape (after one character actually dies Boromir style, pierced by multiple arrows). This is when the movie becomes The Road Warrior and they are attacked agan by the first group of tattooed mohawked cannibals in their patched up makeshift vehicles (to the sounds of Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s “Two Tribes”). Cars go fast, shit blows up, our hero kicks more ass and body parts fly, complete with blood hitting the camera lens, Braveheart style! The ending is wide open for a sequel and if overseas business or DVD does well enough to make it happen, I’m there!

NO ONE CHOOSES PORN OVER A REAL GIRL
Semi Pro opens is down to number eight and I know it seems wise to open a basketball movie in basketball season, but actually it’s pretty stupid because people are too busy watching real basketball to see something like this. You open just before the season opens when the fans are starving for it. This will probably do much better on DVD for pretty much that reason.

NO MORE ENGLISH ACCENTED PROPHECY KIDS, PLEASE!
The Other Boleyn Girl is down to number nine, followed by The Spiderwick Chronicles at number ten, which has held on decently despite not being a smash hit. Unfortunately, it had a $90M budget and even with worldwide grosses didn’t even come close to that. Throw it on the pile with The Golden Compass and Eragon.

I’LL FIGHT KAREEM IN THE PILATES ROOM
So, my no gym days may be coming to an end. I still haven’t found a martial arts school and laying about and not exercising at 41 isn’t the same as not working out at 31 or even 35. Things fall apart fast. I wasn’t exactly cut, but it now it looks like someone held my wax body next to a radiator and things are beginning to droop and sag and I refuse to move up a pants size! To this end I decided to indulge in the weeklong free membership at the Reebok Sportsclub at Lincoln Center. I took the tour on Saturday and I’m still trying to process it. It’s a six floor complex! I felt like Bruce Lee in Game of Death, where every floor spelled certain doom. I has two full size basketball courts, a outside track the goes around the building on the 4th floor, nothing short of four different weight rooms, the yoga and Pilates rooms separated from the rest of the facility, a sundeck, a dojo, the prerequisite jacuzzi and sauna, spa and salon, a daycare so the kids never enter the main facility, a café and lounge with WiFi and, of course, a pool. But the pool sucked and that just killed it for me. Why is it the gym that annoys me the most, the one I just quit, has the best pool I’ve seen so far in the city? Sigh. And why are they the only ones who understand that no one wants to swim in a fucking basement!?! Needless to say this type of facility isn’t cheap coming in at $210 a month with a $500 fee just to join. I can’t say you don’t see where your money is going (there’s an electronic swimsuit spinner), but I don’t think I’d join even if I could afford it. It’s just too massive. I feel like I’d get lost every time I set foot in the place. And I while I’m tempted to try and live my Dick Grayson fantasies with their trapeze classes, I understand it’s a colossal mistake.. Not to mention it’s twenty blocks from my house and while a nice warm up walk seemed like a good idea at the time, I’m not a fat atrophying bastard because of all my get-up-and-go.

IT’S NOT REALLY ROCK & ROLL, BUT I STILL LIKE IT
The Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame 2008 ceremony was held last week and you know you’re old when your childhood favorites are now old enough to be inducted. You’re really old when you don’t know who the inductees are. I’ve got no problem with Madonna, but her induction along with Prince a few years back are proof that “rock & roll” is a simple catchphrase for all modern music after 1955. And I get that she didn’t want to perform as her work. Doing “Borderline” at 50 is not quite the same as Paul McCartney doing “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” at 50, much less in front of your peers. Also, while you couldn’t count how many people in the audience were there because of their inspiration by a guitar band. You could probably do so for her. Not a lot of dudes heard or saw Madonna and decided they were going into music. Hell, not even a lot of women. And Iggy Pop and The Stooges doing her songs? That’s hysterical to me, but again it’s sad that there were no next generation women there for her. And since her true heir, Britney Spears, was too batshit insane to induct her, they were reduced to picking someone who’d fucked her: Justin Timberlake. How sad is that? They couldn’t find another woman on Madonna’s level to induct her (at least no one willing). If there’s anyone Justin Timberlake should be inducting, it’s George Michael, who deserves to be here a little bit more than Madonna in my opinion (but he may not be eligible yet as a solo artist and god know Wham doesn’t deserve to be here). The Ventures were one of rocks great instrumental bands, something that simply doesn’t exist today and The Dave Clark Five were part of the second tier of British bands of the 60’s Not first tier, because that was occupied by The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and The Who and they simply were not on that level. But if you heard their songs you’d recognize them. John Mellencamp is another one who reminds me how fucking old I am, because he was John Cougar first before he found his balls and went back to his real name. He was inducted by his buddy, Billy Joel, because there is no modern day John Mellencamp either. That’s the real test of your legacy; who the hell is around because you existed? Sorry, John. I get the feeling someone like Nickelback would claim you as an influence and who the hell wants that? I can’t believe Leonard Cohen wasn’t in before now. He’s one of those guys that everyone references. Same with Gamble & Huff. How they fuck do you have a hall of fame of anything without Gamble & Huff!?! They were “Philly Soul.” Aside from writing “TSOP” (“The Sound of Philadelphia” best known as the theme music to Soul Train) they also wrote soul (which is more than R&B) classics like “Me & Mrs. Jones” “Love Train” “Back Stabbers” “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” “When Will I See You Again” “For The Love of Money” and “Ain’t No Stopping Us Now.” Aside from Americans, there’s a whole generation of British white boys who wouldn’t be here without them.

HO’S IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES
Of the governor’s scandal I will say only this: how the hell do you prosecute hookers and johns for twenty years and still not know how to get a hooker without getting caught. Even I know you never do it yourself, but have an underling do it to allow yourself plausible deniability. And $80K!?! Are you shittin’ me!?! All to fuck someone in the ass!?! And that’s what it’s about: sodomy. Heidi Fleiss confirmed it. Anyone paying $4K an hour is asking for a) no condom and b) anal sex. Sorry, dude, but your wife would have coughed it up for that. Not to mention you’re the Attorney General and then the governor. You know how many skanky ho’s would have done it for free!?! And that’s not illegal! Honestly , my only issue is anyone fucking dumb enough to do this doesn’t deserve to be my governor. Why on earth would you have a hooker brought down from NYC when you’re in the discreet hooker capital of America, Washington D.C.!?! And to be brought down by some chick from the Jersey shore… That’s really sad. Show me some six-foot Norwegian goddess or five feet of Asian perfection. Not some B&T chick (and I loves me some B&T chicks). To show you what she’s all about, on the day this blew up, her brother was going to jail for selling heroin…again. But hey, it was better than reading about the election every fucking day. My favorite joke out of all it came from David Letterman who had a field day with it. On his Top Ten List of Surprises During The Eliot Spitzer Resignation: “#10: Entered To The Sounds of Jay-Z’s ‘Big Pimpin’.” I’m still laughing. And can you believe she’s made $200K off her music because of this? There are talented seasoned professionals who have never done that well and is playing a wedding in Weehawken worse than sucking the governor’s dick? I don’t think so. We’re all whores, kids. It’s just a matter of venue. But I feel sorry for her, dumb though she may be. As someone said, “She’s only 22 and the first line of her obituary has already been written.” Hell, she could cure cancer and they’d still lead off with this.