THIS IS HOW WE DO IT!

1. Toy Story 3/Disney Wknd/$ 109.0 Total/$ 109.0

2. The Kung Fu Kid/Sony Wknd/$ 29.0 Total/$ 106.3

3. The A-Team/Fox Wknd/$ 13.8 Total/$ 49.8

4. Get Him To The Greek/Universal Wknd/$ 6.1 Total/$ 47.9

5. Shrek Forever After/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 223.0

6. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time/Touch Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 80.5

7. Killers/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 39.4

8. Jonah Hex/WB Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 5.1

9. Iron Man 2/Paramount Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 304.8

10. Marmaduke/Fox Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 27.9

GATHER ‘ROUND CHILDREN AND SEE HOW IT’S DONE

Toy Story 3 opens at number one and is proof the Academy was right to “ghettoize” animated films with their own “Best” category otherwise Pixar would kick the shit out of everyone every year. Pixar is the house that Toy Story built and even in its third installment, it still remains one of the best. It may be sacrilege, but I wasn’t reduced to puddles by Wall*E, but there were moments of this that threatened to break me. How they manage to keep making these films original, entertaining and emotionally effective is nothing short of amazing and puts the rest of Hollywood to shame. After a great opening sequence that takes you into Andy’s imagination, this follows up on a concept used to devastating affect against Woody back in Toy Story 2: their fate once Andy heads off to college. As it turns out, Andy does want to take Woody. It’s the remaining toys (Bo-Peep is mentioned to have been sold off, as we assume have Mr. Weezy and others) that are going to be consigned to the attic. Or would have been if a mix up doesn’t send them off to children’s day care, which initially seems great, but actually turn out to have a dark side, especially if you’re a “for ages 4 and up” toy condemned to toddlers. As always, the films work on two levels one for adults and one for kids, especially with the latest breakout star, Ken. Barbie didn’t show up until #2 because Mattel didn’t have faith in the first film. Needless to say after a huge slice of humble pie, they were more than onboard and we should all be thankful, because few things are funnier than the jokes made here at Ken’s expense, from his wardrobe to “Ken’s Dreamhouse” to a joke about cross-dressing (remember what I said about two levels). I’m looking forward to buying the trilogy box set this Christmas.

SAMMO HUNG AND ARESENIO HALL DIDN’T QUITE MAKE IT

The Kung Fu Kid is down to number two and who loves Black people more than Jackie Chan right now? First Rush Hour makes him more of a global star than he was before and now this puts him back on top in Hollywood after half-a-dozen miserable---and I mean miserable---action comedies. Look, if you’re working with Jennifer Love Hewitt and George Lopez it’s a miserable comedy. Right now Jet Li is realizing he should have gone younger rather than hooking up with every R&B star that came along.

THE “A” IS CLEARLY FOR “ABS”

The A-Team is down to number three and all some of you need to know is this: Bradley Cooper has his shirt off in the opening scene in Mexico; he has his shirt off in the second scene in Iraq and he has his shirt off in the third scene where he’s busted out of prison. You’re welcome.

THE WORLD IS MADE FOR PEOPLE WHO LACK SELF AWARENESS – CRASH DAVIS

Get him to the Greek is down to number four, followed by Shrek Forever After at number five and do you think these people have the self-awareness to see a Pixar film and think “Maybe we should try harder”? Nah, me neither. If you’ve seen the trailers for shit like Alpha & Omega you know how little they’re willing to try.

GHANDI AIN’T PAYING FOR A PORSCHE

Prince of Persia is down to number six and also in this is Ben Kingsley, clearly taking jobs to pay for that young wife of his, who was probably a little to eager to visit the set and meet Jake Gyllenhaal.

YOU KNOW WHAT JAMES BOND NEEDS? MAGICAL POWERS!

The Killers is down to number seven, followed by Jonah Hex opening at number eight and let me tell you how this went to shit before anyone was cast and one inch of film was shot. “We got the rights to this Jonah Hex character from DC Comics and he’s a hideously scarred bounty hunter in Confederate garb who roams the south west having the darkest, most twisted adventures and after he dies winds up stuffed in a Ripley’s Exhibit. But you know what it needs? Magical powers!” Yeah, this is why Hollywood sucks, people. Jonah Hex is a southern gothic character like Clint Eastwood played in the early 70’s in movies like The Beguiled and High Plains Drifter (and while yes, he was a ghost in High Plains Drifter, you didn’t know that until the end and he never displayed magical powers like Jonah Hex does), not Harry fucking Potter. The moment someone takes a character that’s existed for over 35 years and decides that what he needs is magical powers, it’s all over but the shouting. That moron should just be shut into a closet and never listened to again. That aside, at least it’s only 80 minutes long. And it’s not as bad as Ghost Rider, which was kind of a supernatural western itself. It even opens with an homage to Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad & The Ugly (that’s when best scene with the Gatling gun occurs). But you know things are bad when they use the comic book drawings to tell the story of his origin. His dumbass magical origin (which borrows liberally from the superior comic book movie, The Crow). It’s also a bad sign when the only movie this reminds you of is Wild, Wild West, with its plot of a deranged Confederate seeking to destroy the United States played by an otherwise talented actor. In that case Kenneth Branagh. In this case John Malkovich. Megan Fox can’t be blamed for this as she’s relatively innocuous as the gun-toting hooker who cares for him. But if they saw the script as written then she, like Josh Brolin, John Malkovich and out-of-nowhere Adian Quinn are all actual whores in real life. Also popping up in smaller roles are Wes Bentley, who clearly didn’t learn from Ghost Rider and Jeffrey Dean Morgan who is in two disappointing comic book movies this year now, after The Losers (though that was only financially disappointing). It’s one of those movies you’ll see on TNT at 3:00 am in a few years and constantly go “Hey, it’s that guy.” And yes, that was no one less than Luke Duke (Tom Wopat) in a small role as well. This recession is killing an actor’s dignity.

DUDES IS DUMB

On the other side of the coin down at number nine is Iron Man 2, which honestly, isn’t much better as a movie much longer and also contains a monotoned, pouty-lipped starlet who doesn’t do a lot, but has made $605M worldwide.

THE END

Marmaduke closes out the top ten at ten. Thank god it’s over.

RULE #1: DON’T PISS OFF THE KITCHEN STAFF

So my second weekend of purely Manhattan social activity continued, reminding me just how goddamn much I’ve been to Brooklyn over the past year and why it needs to stop. This time The Libertine and her husband were in town with friends and I joined them for dinner at The Spotted Pig, where we’d been to before and had the amazing prunes wrapped in bacon. Yes, it’s cooked and in this amazing sauce. Simply. Awesome. From there I had something involving prosciutto, mozzarella and mustard greens while everyone else had the awesome burger---that we waited almost an hour for. Now, it’s almost worth it, but it contributed to me being reminded why I’m attracted to NYC girls and not the southern things I grew up with especially seeming debutante like. I don’t know if she was actually, but of The Libertine’s friend stunk of some deb-ness. She was from Huntsville, Alabama no less, but I didn’t dare reveal we shared a home state. There would be no bonding. In any case, she requested her burger well done and when it came with some pink in the middle she was upset. Clearly the waitress and dealt with these Philistine complaints before and tried gently (as if to a child who won’t eat something on their plate) to explain that when you cook something until it’s brown, you essentially drain it of flavor and no good chef was going to do that (if you didn’t know, the chef at The Spotted Pig was on Top Chef and Bartali is one of the backers). Southern Deb’s response was “Well, when I wait an hour for a well-done burger, I don’t expect to see pink inside.” Now, when she got it back to her specifications she didn’t eat it, which I initially felt was her being doubly obnoxious, but when I remembered that comment I realized there was no doubt that burger was now covered in kitchen staff saliva, so it was the right move. We were all supposed to go shopping the next day in SoHo, but ultimately were on different missions. They wanted Tory Burch. I wanted Uniqlo and Kenneth Cole. And while I can go to SoHo at any time, it had been forever since I felt financially comfortable to indulge even a little (than you, my fucking expensive teeth). So, while I got my linen shirt, more underwear (if you have to ask should you throw something out, then you probably need to throw those drawers out), cheap Canal Street watches (one of which came apart almost immediately), a new belt and resisted sandals on sale at Kenneth Cole, they got their Tory Burch shoes and some jewelry as we walked parallel to one another. I up Broadway and they up Elizabeth. Also, I had no time frame and they had to move quickly to return to their hotel then catch a flight home. I would have loved to have seen more of The Libertine, but she understands a shopping agenda better than anyone and why I could not yield from mine. Never yield your shopping agenda!