BURGERMEISTER

1. Meet the Spartans/Fox Wknd/$ 18.7 Total/$ 18.7
2. Rambo/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 18.2 Total/$ 18.2
3. 27 Dresses/Fox Wknd/$ 13.6 Total/$ 45.3
4. Cloverfield/Paramount Wknd/$ 12.7 Total/$ 64.3
5. Untraceable/SGem Wknd/$ 11.2 Total/$ 11.2
6. Juno/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 10.3 Total/$ 100.2
7. The Bucket List/Warner Wknd/$ 10.2 Total/$ 57.7
8. There Will Be Blood/ParV Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 14.8
9. National Treasure 2/BV Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 205.4
10. Mad Money/Over Wknd/$ 4.6 Total/$ 15.3

“WARD, I’M ARAID THE BEAVER IS A JIVE SUCKA WHO AIN’T GOT NO SENSE”
Meet The Spartans opens at number one and I’m pretty sure the funniest parts are all in the trailer. This is from those guys that cranked out Epic Movie and Date Movie. They started out as writers on Spy Hard then moved to the Scary Movie franchise and now they’re directing their own crap. Of course, I say this without ever seeing a frame of this or Epic Movie or Date Movie. The difference between these guys and Zucker Abrams, Zucker (Airplane, The Naked Gun movies) and even the Wayans Family is that even in the trailer there’s one incredibly funny joke and maybe even two. Absolutely nothing in the trailers for this was as funny as just the concept of the MTV Best Spoof Film, United 300, which tastelessly put the Spartans on a highjacked plane (but nothing on this earth will ever be funnier than setting the trailer for 300 to “It’s Raining Men” by The Weathergirls).



And why call this Meet The Spartans given it’s years after both Meet The Parents and Meet The Fockers!?! And where in the trailer do they reference Meet The Parents!?! Lame, lame, lame. And come on…Britney Spears? Is that your idea of wit? Sigh. This is a far cry from June Cleaver talking jive.

RICHARD CRENNA ACTUALLY DIED TO GET OUT DOING THIS
Rambo (which is technically First Blood 4 and Rambo 3) opens at number two and see what happens when America can’t clearly win wars overseas? We get this fantasy bullshit, the irony being the last fucking Rambo movie actually took place in Afghanistan! Um, given how he knows the people and the terrain, why isn’t he going back there now!?! Because there’s a good chance the guy on the horse to his left in Rambo III was fucking Osama Bin Laden, that’s why. Kinda embarrassing when the last people Rambo freed turned around and committed the most devastating terrorist attack in human history. But even Burma is bullshit because there actually is a fight for freedom going on over there right now but it’s being done by monks , so if there are any movies to be made there it should be Jet Li as one of the two-thousand warrior monks he’s played throughout his career. I never watched Rambo: First Blood Pt. II all the way through, much less Rambo III (which was actually First Blood Pt. 3 and Rambo 2), so I’ll never see this either. Not even on cable will I put myself through this crap.

“OOH, YOU MAKE ME LIVE…”
27 Dresses is down to number three and also in this as the perennial “best friend” is Judy Greer, whom I love and actually should have been the lead here, only Katherine Heigl is obviously the bigger star. In case you’re not placing her, she was Kitty the secretary who kept flashing Jason Bateman on Arrested Development; the best friend/possible love interest on wonderful-but-short-lived “love monkey”; David Duchovny’s best friend in The TV Set; Jennifer Garner’s bitchy best friend in 13 Going On 30; Orlando Bloom’s sister in Elizabethtown; Jennifer Lopez’s best friend in The Wedding Planner; and Erin the poor file girl Mel Gibson is convinced is suicidal in What Women Want (she also sadly dropped her top for sex scenes with Nicholas Cage in Adaptation and Gary Shandling in What Planet Are You From). So, no she never gets the hot guy, ever. The best she’s done so far is being a multi-episode love interest for Charlie Sheen on Two And A Half Men. As I’ve mentioned before, the cruelest irony here is, when she auditioned for The TV Set she was auditioning for the role of the actress who is tired of playing the best friend. She was instead cast as the best friend. Ouch.

SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST
Cloverfield drops down to number four and the director has suggested that the sequel will be the same night but from a different camera. So basically he wants you to pay again to see the same goddamn movie. I think not. The only way I’ll see the sequel to this is if this bullshit POV cam is left behind. That trick only works once and barely then.

CTRL-ALT-REPEAT
Untraceable opens at number five and what is the real female action movie, my drooges? No, it’s not shit like Charlie’s Angels or Lara Croft. It’s the “estro-thriller” in the Silence of the Lambs mode. Jodie Foster knows it, which is why she followed it with Panic Room and Flightplan. So does Ashley Judd, who followed Kiss The Girls with Double Jeopardy. JLo tried with The Cell, but promptly blew it with Enough. The rules of the estro-thriller are simple: you start with a woman, preferably a mother, have her be wronged by a man, be he her lover or just some asshole criminal have him make the key mistake of threatening either her child or someone she can be maternal for and we pop open a can of whoop-ass for the final act. Also throw in a strong dude/father figure to help her out (Scott Glenn, Morgan Freeman, Tommy Lee Jones, Vince Vaughn) but in the end it’s her show. This is no exception to any of those rules and follows the formula well enough that it’s a nice way to spend 90 minutes. Diane Lane is the leading lady this time. She’s an FBI agent working nights in the cybercrime division while being a single mother to her daughter. In the first of many refreshing turns, we aren’t beaten over the head with the fact she’s a widow and her late husband was cop. It comes out in small, well-placed pieces through the duration of the film, thanks mostly to the local cop on the task force to help her find the guy who’s killing people by putting them online and as the viewer count increases the method of death accelerates in some interesting ways such as using a blood thinner which causes a few cuts to become lethal (making this somewhat the grandchild of Se7en and the child of Saw, I’m afraid). In another refreshing change, not only are the police and FBI not morons, but they also work well together without petty bickering over jurisdiction. In fact, Diane Lane doesn’t want the case, but since she catches it first it’s her assignment. Oh, and her boss isn’t a moron who doesn’t believe her either. He knows she’s smart and lets her do her job and she does, figuring out the reason behind the murders (which is actually pretty interesting and in more seasoned hands would have said something about the bloodlust of the audience, which as been with us since the days of Ancient Rome). Even the good-looking cop working with her isn’t forced on us as a love interest. But there are dumb concessions to the genre that must be made. First of all, the bad guy is kidnapping and killing people and then moving their bodies around without being noticed, which should have been impossible, given the FBI and local police were out looking for him, and in one instance he actually drops the body in the driveway of a congressman without being noticed! Also, the bad guy comes after her and she never, ever seems to close the curtains on the windows in her house, which no normal person does, much less seasoned law enforcement officer. And when she’s obviously targeted by the killer, she’s not given a 24/7 escort like we know full well she’d receive. None of this is helped by the fact we get to meet the bad guy long before he’s caught and once you see him, it takes tremendous suspension of disbelief to accept he’s doing all this alone. Finally, if I told you Diane Lane had a partner who was somewhat of a comic relief what would you give his chances of surviving? Exactly. These people might as well be wearing the red shirts from Star Trek. A better writer and director would have been able to avoid these clichés and make a statement and still have their film work, but for what it is, it’s not bad.

NO MORE MEAN GIRLS, NOW NICE PREGNANT GIRLS
Juno crosses the $100M mark at number six, which I’d love to credit the Oscar nominations, but you don’t see Atonement anywhere around here do you? No, the real credit goes to teenagers. They are flocking to see this thing. I thought it was just me catching an odd group the morning I went, but someone else said the same. Then I remembered it was only PG-13 so they could all go. Yeah, I can see how kids would really be into this. And guess who’s going to be getting all the scripts that would have once gone to Lindsay Lohan now? And unlike her, Ellen Page has an Oscar nomination under her belt. She’s pretty much the anti-Lindsay Lohan at this point. The only question is, will she stay the indie course or go for the big money and prizes in Hollywood?

THAT’S ME STRETCHING IN THE THEATER LOBBY
The Bucket List is down to number seven followed by There Will Be Blood at number eight and this is the result of Oscar nominations—and a doubling of the amount of theaters where it’s playing. This is a long, dark movie and so I have to prepare myself for it, both mentally and physically (a limit of fluid intake because it’s two-and-a-half hours long). I’m not there yet. I may need help.

IT’S NOT LIKE SHE’S GOT A RAP CAREER TO FALL BACK ON
National Treasure: Book of Secrets is down to number nine, followed by Mad Money closing out the top ten at number ten and how many of these will Queen Latifah get before she burns off all her Chicago goodwill? Katie Holmes has forever because she’s Mrs. Tom Cruise and if Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz have taught us anything it’s, if you’re with Tom, you’ll continue get A-list work no matter how many of your movies bomb.

IT’S A HONOR JUST TO BE NOMINATED
Speaking of the Academy Awards, as much as we bitch about stardom and box office being rewarded over actual talent and artistic achievement, there simply ain’t much glamour in the latter, much less fun. I mean, I saw Juno and enjoyed it, but did Ellen Page really deserve her Oscar nomination more than Angelina Jolie would have deserved one? And with Angelina you get her and Brad on the red carpet. With Ellen Page all you get is you get a guarantee that Jennifer Anniston will now attend. And while my love for Cate Blanchett knows no bounds, she did not deserve a nomination for Elizabeth: The Golden Age. Sorry. Keira Knightely probably didn’t deserve one for Atonement either, but it would have added some youthful glamour to the proceedings (and Cate will still be there for Best Supporting Actress). Speaking of youth, apparently Amy Adams rocked Enchantment but gets dick from the Academy that is apparently on a “bummer” tour this year, ignoring the fact that COMEDY IS MORE DIFFICULT. I’m not gonna argue Ruby Dee’s sympathy vote for American Gangster, but it really pales compared to what Jennifer Garner did in Juno and since we’re giving it shit is doesn’t deserve, how about in of the few instances it did? And with Jennifer Garner, you get Ben Affleck and the hope JLO and Mark Anthony won’t attend. Not to mention, if you’re going to honor indie comedies about knocked up leads, what about Adrienne Shelly’s swansong, Waitress!?! Where’s her goddamn sympathy vote? Similarly, while it’s hard to argue the Best Actor nominations (with the exception of Johnny Depp), it would have been more fun with Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe and Christian Bale, who also kicked ass in Rescue Dawn. But I have to give it up for Sean Penn almost completely shut out for Into the Wild. Any institution that blows off two of the pretentious, humorless fuckers alive (Eddie Vedder got dick for soundtrack) is okay in my book.

I’VE SEEN A MILLION FRENCH FRIES AND ROCKED THEM ALL!
So my burger tour was interrupted a few years back by a job loss, but now that we’re employed (and my brain isn’t bleeding) the time has come to begin it again! I started with State on 12th between 5th and University with Chasing Amy and it was a seriously auspicious beginning. Let me put it this way, my burger with blue cheese sauce was so good I didn’t want to put ketchup on it. I may never return to Paul’s Hamburger Palace again which is the equivalent of changing my religion. They also have a substantial microbrewery list if you go that way (not to mention alcoholic shakes). We got a pitcher of something I’ll never try again, but they’ve got a 2-For-1 burger thing going on (between 10 and midnight) that will pretty have me back before the end of this week. We stopped by Bowlmoor Lanes but it was a bit too young and crowed and ultimately wound up on 14th and Avenue A at Otto’s Shrunken Heads, where 30-something punks and rockabilly lovers go to die. Okay, maybe they weren’t all that old, but it definitely wasn’t the youngest bar I’ve ever been in. Though I can’t recall when I last saw so many women with so many garish arm tattoos. These are people who get tattoos because they mean it, not silly sorority girls getting the “tramp stamp” on their lower backs to be “different…just like all their friends.” The bar is owned by a friend from college of Chasing Amy’s boyfriend that he ran into on a flight back from Pittsburgh over Christmas. It seems that even back in college she was throwing parties with bands playing in her basement. He said he knew wherever she was there’d be groups of “hedonistic misfits” (which is now the name of my band) and the bar was no exception. Most notable was the fairly attractive couple sitting right next to me who went into a full tilt make-out session complete with multiple trips to third base by him---with the phone still in his hand! I can only hope for her sake he had it set to vibrate. But this is where the difference between kids and adults came into play. Adults would have taken that party home. When we left a little after 2:00 am they were still circulating with their friends. Or maybe he just blew it when, in the middle of a clinch, I heard him call her “dude.” Between that and breaking a third base clinch to check his phone, I’m pretty sure that didn’t go down. If a woman is so generous (or drunk) to let you touch her vagina, you’d better realize there’s no fucking message in this world so important you take your hand away. You have to ask yourself, “What would Bill Clinton do?”

CHEER UP, SLEEPY JEAN
So Death came out swinging for ’08. Suzanne Pleshette, best known as Emily from the Bob Newhart show; Allan Melvin who played Sam the Butcher on The Brady Bunch; Sir Endmund Hillary who scaled Mount Everest; Vampira the TV hostess; then Bobby Fischer and Brad Renfro until finally Heath Ledger, who mistakenly thought he could medicate his own pneumonia…along with his depression…and his insomnia…all at the same time. But I cannot front. I obviously hate hospitals at this point and so would probably do something equally stupid with the same sad result. Oh, we also lost John Stewart. No, not that one, dumbass. The one who was a member of The Kingston Trio and wrote “Daydream Believer” and who traveled performing with Robert Kennedy on hi campaign. And you know what killed him? An aneurysm.

WE ARE FAMILY
Finally, Surrogate Sister’s brother (the one her parents gave her) has his band used for a USA promo spot: