WHERE THE DYSFUNCTIONAL THINGS ARE

1. Michael Jackson’s This Is It Wknd/$ 21.3 Total/$ 32.5

2. Paranormal Activity/Paramount Wknd/$ 16.5 Total/$ 84.8

3. Law Abiding Citizen/Over Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 51.4

4. Couples Retreat/Universal Wknd/$ 6.1 Total/$ 86.7

5. Saw VI/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 22.8

6. Where the Wild Things Are/Warner Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 22.8

8. Astro Boy/Summit Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 10.9

9. Amelia/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 8.3

7. The Stepfather/SG Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 24.7

10. The Vampire’s Assistant/Universal Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 71.2

I GUESS “LAST GRASP AT RELEVANCY” WAS A LITTLE TOO ACCURATE

Michael Jackson’s This Is It opens at number one and I think it says it all that the first thing that comes to mind is the Kenny Loggins’ song. They couldn’t think of a better title more pertaining to his work? What could be better than “Michael Jackson’s Don’t Stop ‘Till You Get Enough”? My personal feelings about the man aside, I won’t deny his skill as a performer so there is some curiosity to see this…when it airs on MTV in a few months. Or should I say, VH1?

DEMON OR CPA? WHICH IS WORSE?

Down to number two is Paranormal Activity which is now the most profitable movie ever made, meaning in terms of dollars spent to dollars earned, it’s made more money than anything else, theatrically speaking. It cost under a million dollars and has made $87M so far, whereas Titanic cost $200M and would have to have grossed $17.4 BILLION DOLLARS to be the equivalent. It made 1.8. Now, let’s see how much of this money actually gets back to the filmmakers. They only think they know what horror is. Wait until they meet Hollywood accounting.

AND THEN THEY FELL IN LOVE

Law Abiding Citizen actually rises to number three due clearly to the lack of anything else even resembling testosterone in the top ten. What the hell else are two guys without dates supposed to see? “Yo, dude. What about that movie with that dude from 300?” “Yeah, bro! I loved 300!” And that’s how that happened.

OKAY, MAYBE DENNIS QUAID IN JAWS 3-D

Couples Retreat actually rises to number four while Saw VI actually falls to number five on Halloween weekend no less. Who saw that coming? Clearly not the struggling young actors who saw getting cast in this genre franchise as quick career boost. Sorry to break it to you kids, but it wouldn’t have worked. Either way you’re going to go down in infamy alongside those nameless bodies of previous franchises like Friday The 13^th, Nightmare on Elm Street and Halloween. Now that I think of it, did anyone ever come out of a horror franchise sequel? Sure, James Cameron came out of Piranha 2, but that was hardly a franchise and Johnny Depp was in the first Nightmare on Elm Street. This has also got to be a disappointment for the falling stars trying to hitch their wagons. Not that Costas Mandylor was ever a star. Nor was the bodacious Betsy Russell, who will forever be known to a generation of men as the much hotter girl Matthew Modine should have cheated on Phoebe Cates with in Private School.

NEXT: GO, DOG, GO AS EXAMINATION OF PUPPY FARMS

Down to number six is Where the Wild Things are and while I finally got around to seeing it and I have to admit, the real reason I was slow was my own desire or lack thereof. Let’s face it: if I really want to see your movie, I’m there at midnight Wednesday like I was for Batman Begins or 10:00 am Sunday morning like I was for Death Race. As it turns out I was correct in my reticence, because what I remember of Where the Wild Things are wasn’t a fairy tale of dysfunction monsters miserable on an island visited by an equally dysfunctional kid. How Max became the angry product of a broken household who carries his issues of rage and need for attention over into fantasy is something only the mind of hip indie director could tell you, as clearly, happy stories are just for the illiterate masses. Surely, I’m not the only person who saw the main monster who looks like an evil H.R. Puffinstuff (here called Carol with the voice of James Gandolfini) and didn’t necessarily think, “Oh, he should have anger issues due to his fears.” Basically, he’s Max’s primary alter ego in the film, as in the beginning we see Max playing alone and when his teenaged sister first ignores him then doesn’t see to him when her friends accidentally hurt him while playing with him, his response is to then go to her room and trash it. When “Carol” gets upset, he trashes things. Oh, and that the monster with the horn was passive-aggressive also eluded me, as did the idea that the one who looked like a goat suffers from low self-esteem. I won’t say the film is bad, but this is simply not an interpretation I agree with. But it has the stamp of approval from none other than Maurice Sendak himself, so I guess a happy, lyrical adaptation of his book (with music for someone who lives outside Williamsburg might appreciate) wasn’t on his mind either. I didn’t mind it being a little scary because the book always had a hint of that for me (they are monsters after all), but emotionally fearful was a bit much for me. I couldn’t wait to leave Max’s dysfunctional real life at the beginning for the Wild Things, but after five minutes with the Wild Things who are seemingly only capable of expressing emotions good and bad through violent acts (when Max is declared king, we see the bones of the previous kings that have been killed), I kinda needed him to go home so I could too.

CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUFFY

The Stepfather is down to number seven, followed by Astro Boy at number eight and while you could pass off Nicholas Cage’s participation here as part of his well-known geekdom (though he’s currently suing his accountant because of millions in back taxes), let’s see who’s here for fun and who needs the career boost. Samuel L. Jackson, Bill Nighy, Charlize Theron, Donald Sutherland and even Nathan Lane and Eugene Levy don’t need the boost. Also for Freddie Highmore this is part of the gig as a kid, so actually we’re missing the usual “grasping for straws” suspects like Ed Begley Jr or Tara Reid. Only Kristin Bell is clearly using this solidify her geek cred, which I’m still at a loss to understand as Veronica Mars was neither science fiction nor horror. I know the initial days Post-Buffy The Vampire Slayer were empty, but did you damn geeks have to hop on anything that came down the pike?

ACCOUNTANTS DO CRY

Amelia enters the top ten at number nine and apparently this is as dull and as turgid a biopic as it looks and Hillary Swank is apparently going to set some kind of record with “Most Bad A-List Movies From An Oscar Winner.” Yeah, you can say her agent got her two Oscars, but that’s all he’s gotten her. She has yet to make a film that anyone takes pleasure in seeing. Neither Million Dollar Baby nor Boys Don’t Cry are what I’d call fun and when she tries for light you get things like The Core and P.S. I Love You (with the other career suicide specialist, Gerard Butler).

LOOKS LIKE IT’S TWILIGHT FOR THEM. GET IT? SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

Finally, Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant closes out the top ten at number ten and as it turns out this is actually based on the second book in the series so they were clearly hoping the teen vampire thing would carry them. They were wrong.

I’M TOO SEXY, TOO SEXY FOR MYSELF, SO SEXY IT HURTS

So Dr. Drew’s Sexual Rehab show started and among the people in sexual rehab are: a pro surfer who had HPV in his throat; the former drummer for Skid Row, the Playmate who made the sex tape with Colin Farrell; a film director whose taste for “beautiful straight boys” developed in prison; former Miss USA Teen who lost her title because she posed for Playboy; Amber Smith, back from the drug show who has exchanged drugs for men, though not necessarily sexual, and of course porn stars. The first is Kendra Jade who made the tabloids by supposedly hooking up with K-Fed, but the most notable thing to me is that she’s married to Lukas from Rockstar: Supernova a few years ago! Also there is porn star Penny Flame (it makes perfect sense to me her real name IS JENNIFER) and true to the C-list nature of this show she was never a big star in the world of porn either, and it’s a sad sign when at the beginning of the show she insists she’s “kind of a big deal.” I suppose having a sex addiction and being a porn star makes sense to people, but it’s more like being an alcoholic and being a taster for Budweiser. Of course at least two people have admitted to childhood molestation (in one instance it was then coupled by multiple rapes during the teen years), a third is coming and frankly Dr. Drew clearly suspects it of everyone. It’s also sadly telling that there are more women than men because having a lot of sex isn’t considered a “problem” for a man and is a lot less likely to fuck up his life so long as he keeps it from affecting his job. A woman is a lot more likely to feel the effects of a sexual addiction from society at large and be motivated to seek change. It’s also telling that every woman was technically in the business of being desired, from teen beauty queen, to model to porn star. That lets you know they aren’t as different as you’d like to think. While all the men are here have been successful because of skills they possess. Yeah, I couldn’t watch the drug rehab show because it was just too depressing. I don’t think this is going to be any different.

WORKING CLASS HORNDOG

I love to hate the show Californication, but right now I just love it because Rick Springfield is on it playing…Rick Springfield. Or rather an exaggerated version of himself (in reality Rick has been married for 25 years, not out going down on housewives who pay a thousand dollars to spend the day with him) and it is an unexpected treat for me having Showtime back. And Susan Sarandon clearly gave her daughter the gift of boobs, which are on display, as she’s playing a stripper who’s sleeping with her teacher, David Duchovny, still playing this menopausal male fantasy role, where his students male and female want him (yes, Chuck Bass briefly played a student in love with him), his Teaching Assistant wants him (and is sleeping with him) and the dean’s wife (played by that woman Mark Darcy was dating in Bridget Jones’s Diary) wants him. I have no doubt the writing staff of this show looks like collision between a Weight Watchers meeting and a Rogaine seminar.