1. Just Go with It/Sony Wknd/$ 31.0 Total/$ 31.0
2. Justin Bieber/Parmount Wknd/$ 30.3 Total/$ 30.3
3. Gnomeo And Juliet/Disney Wknd/$ 25.5 Total/$ 25.5
4. The Eagle/Focus Wknd/$ 8.6 Total/$ 8.6
5. The Roommate/SGems Wknd/$ 8.4 Total/$ 26.1
6. The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 7.4 Total/$ 93.9
7. No Strings Attached/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 59.9
8. Sanctum/Universal Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 17.5
9.True Grit/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$160.3
10. The Green Hornet/Sony Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 92.3
BEAUTIES AND THE BEAST
Just Go With It opens at number one and I’d like to rant on about this as another instance of ugly men with gorgeous women half their ages in movies, but it’s always been like this. Humphrey Bogart is a movie god, but he was not good looking and Lauren Bacall was half his age. Ugly men run the movies and always have. If they were good looking, they’d be in front of the camera. You don’t see Ryan Reynolds making any business decisions do you? No boy from Gossip Girl is going to be deciding who gets hired and fired. No one with an aquiline nose, chiseled jaw, full head of hair and a flat stomach decided, “Hey, let’s put Adam Sandler with a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model.” No, Adam Sandler decided that and his legions of equally aesthetically-challenged fans let the world know it was all right, the same way they did when he cast Bridget Wilson, Julie Bowen, Winona Ryder, Courtney Cox, Jessica Biel, Emmanuelle Chirqui, Kate Beckinsale and Salma Hayek as his love interests. Drew Barrymore, not so much. With the exception of Happy Gilmore, I find Adam Sandler’s humor to be one colossal lowbrow failure and I’ve got nothing against a good lowbrow joke. He’s just not funny. That he’s ugly doesn’t help. Needless to say I did not and will not see this.
NEW EDITION, NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK…THE LIST IS ENDLESS
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never opens at number two and he’s always freaked me out because while it’s a running joke that he looks like a lesbian, I know a lesbian who does in fact look just like him. That said, he doesn’t bother me. Seriously, Katie Perry bothers me more. Bieber is just the latest in a tradition of teen idols going back to Frank Sinatra with everyone from Elvis, Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake in between. People who hate him either have no sense of history or are just painfully stupid. Not to mention, that clip of him drumming at two is better that I can drum right now, so I can’t deny he’s probably more talented on some level than 90% of the populace.
NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS
Gnomeo & Juliet opens at number three and you have got to be fucking kidding me. Just when you think you have hit rock bottom with Alpha & Omega, they clearly have started tunneling with shit like this. But it always makes money because every parent in the country will take their child to this just to have 90 minutes of peace. Not the parent taking them, but the one who gets to stay home, who will owe the other big time.
NO, WE ARE NOT ENTERTAINED
The Eagle opens at number four and what the hell is this return to movies about the Roman Empire? Is this still a residual effect of Gladiator? But it’s not big mainstream work, but smaller indie films that are doing it. Earlier this year it was Centurion, which was about the loss of the legendary 9th Legion, which was annihilated by the Northern British tribes, without one single survivor to tell the tale. This is about Channing Tatum as the son of the general who led the 9th into disaster trying to redeem his family’s honor by finding “The Eagle” the symbol of Roman military might. Aiding him in this is his British slave, Jaime Bell, whom he saved from death in the arena when he [Bell] wouldn’t fight to amuse the Romans. Now, I give the film credit for trying to do more than just be an action movie and spending time to show the details of both Roman life and that of the tribes of Britain who justifiably hated them, but that only makes sense if the movie were about Tatum’s growing awareness of the flaws of Rome and his eventual realization of the rights of those people. It’s not. It’s about him finding the fucking Eagle and pretty much killing the people who stand his way. There’s never any real doubt whether or not his slave will turn on him though they give it lip service. Of course he’s so impressed he is with Channing Tatum’s quest for honor he forgets about how his father had to kill his own mother to keep her from being raped by Roman soldiers. How can you give your situation depth but not give your main character the same consideration? There’s even a moment where the beautiful daughter of the chieftain who has The Eagle takes notice of Tatum. You know where this is going, right? Wrong. It leads to nothing. It’s dismissed as quickly as it comes up is the possibility his father didn’t die fighting, something he suggests early in the film. Basically, showing history in more detail is easy, creating a fully realized character is not. And while this is drama and not history (something critics of The King’s Speech need to learn) it still pisses me off that they do so much to show details of life of that period, they still get the fucking “thumbs” wrong. When the emperor wanted someone to die, he gave thumbs up to say “Yes, do it!” Thumbs down was “No, he lives.” One fucking painting has epically defined general knowledge of this.
AND SHE LOOKS KINDA PORNY
The Roommate is down to number five and there are actors who were made for TV and actors who were made for the movies. Alyson Michalka is a TV actor. Tall, blonde and attractive you’d think she have her choice of roles, but the fact is, her look isn’t…innocent enough to be “The Girl” for whom our hero longs for. In this she’s the suspicious best friend who meets a bad end (thank you trailer for giving it all away) and in Easy A she’s the annoying friend who turns on her. On TV, however, where women hold the most viewing power, she’s the lead of her own series. Discuss amongst yourselves.
THERE’S NOTHING WORSE THAN GEEK SLOPPY SECONDS
The King’s Speech is down to number six and I had the worst crush on Helena Bonham Carter beginning back with the still perfect Room With A View (whoever stole my copy, you’ll pay for that in hell) carried on through every other period piece she did and climaxed with a full frontal nude sex scene in The Wings of the Dove. Then Tim Burton tainted her forever with his seed. I know they’ve broken up, but his gothic geek stench remains.
MRS. RALPH BELLAMY
No Strings Attached is down to number seven and also in this is Lake Bell. This is her second movie with Ashton Kutcher and in both she’s the more interesting second banana female. She’s funnier and tougher than Cameron Diaz in What Happens In Vegas and is funnier and more interesting than Natalie Portman here (with a better boobs than both). She was so Meryl Streep’s nemesis in It’s Complicated. Again, on TV she was the lead in her own ill-fated series about weird alien undersea creatures, but in the movies she cannot get the guy.
THE END
Sanctum is down to number eight, followed by True Grit at number nine and The Green Hornet closing out the top ten at ten.
I’M NOT GAY AND DON’T HAVE GOLDFISH
Again, trying to keep to my New Year’s resolution of going out more, I wound up at a karaoke, where everyone now clearly bases their song choices on this week’s episode of Glee (they should really get a cut of how they’ve probably improved karaoke business over the last year). I was at a bar near midtown on 38th street with a few of the Jezebels though they’re more Tumblr people these days and apparently it’s something I need to be doing. Dunno. Daddy can barely handle Facebook. Tumbling and Tweeting may be a bit much. Besides, none of our lives is actually that interesting. We were doing traditional karaoke this time, $1.50 per song in a bar with others, rather than the painfully expensive private room, but I still made the same mistake as always: too much time talking loudly in a bar before trying to sing. My voice was shot before a single note. I mean it was going to suck no matter what, but now it was going to be execrable. Fortunately, there are songs that don’t require actual singing like Cameo’s “Word Up” and Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back.” Trying to do Maroon 5 “If I Never See Your Face Again” was a mistake, however, though he really can’t sing either. I could oddly hit the high notes however and the group of sistas at the bar helped me out. Of course the best part of any karaoke experience are others, even though their pathetic behavior may strike a bit too close to home. Namely the lonely middle-aged drunk queen who started off by massacring Swing Out Sister’s “Breakout” they proceeded to annoy our group all night. He started by believing the myth that as a gay man he’s got a bond with every larger-sized black woman on the planet and commented on the coat of a girl in our group. Then he starting hitting on one-half of the gay couple until he was told in no uncertain terms to “Go the fuck away.”…which only sent him to try and strike up conversation with the girls in our group. Finally, he left…only to return and continue to annoy everyone around him. Clearly there was no one at home (I’m sure even his goldfish were annoyed by him) and judging by his musical choices his best years were the 80’s. Like I said, pathetic behavior that struck a little close to home. Then he left again…and came back again, only to finally find someone he couldn’t annoy, two guys who were characters in their own right. One was shorter larger-sized guy and the other was his taller, thin longhaired friend. Basically the comic relief sidekicks to the main character in any movie you’ve seen. The thin guy even had a pathetic growth on his face that he was trying to call a goatee. Basically think of that tall geek from Freaks and Geeks. He didn’t seem to annoy them, but we feared for their future if they got too drunk with him. They might wake up the next morning to find their friendship had crossed line. We left karaoke to go another bar nearby but the area between Madison and Fifth is where K-town becomes Murray Hill, is unfortunately filled with the douchebaggery the east side has been known for. It was initially the Upper East Side that was populated with the crowd who can’t seem to leave college, then it sprouted up on Park Avenue in the area between 18th street and 23d and now Murray Hill fills the gap. The guys who wear Axe and women who get roofied by them. None of us could stand it so we then went to place in K-Town that promised fried chicken with cocktails---only to be disappointed to find it closed. However, there was another Korean fried chicken place just across the street that was open (it was after midnight after all) and yea, it was good. After that we closed the night out at an Irish bar between 5th Avenue and Herald Square where I continued my new thing of whiskey. Yes, today I have become a man…thanks to the lesbians who made me drink it on New Year’s Eve.
HALF THE MUSIC, ALL THE ANNOYANCE
My DVR is so full it not only wouldn’t record all The Grammys for me, but started deleting stuff on top of it. Sigh. Okay, I came in at Katy Perry and she doesn’t annoy because of her music---which is just recycled 80’s hooks, which is why Nicole Kidman loves it so much---it’s the lyrics. It’s not that they’re bad. I mean, I grew up on Duran Duran, so I know bad, but they’re not even interesting. They’re worst than bad. They’re banal, boring. There is no greater sin in art...Norah Jones, Keith Urban and John Mayer doing his best Johnny Depp doing Dolly Parton ain’t bad at all…If you’d told me 5-6 years ago that Rhianna would still be around and a megastar I’d have called you crazy. And I don’t even know who the second singer with Eminem is. You know you’re old when the Grammys are more current than you…poor Esperanza Spalding, the curse of “Best New Artist” is on you now. Just ask Men at Work, Taste of Honey or even Christina Aguilera who won it over Britney what it means for your future…the musical role call of death…MICK! Clearly doing a tribute to someone who meant something to him. This is what a superstar looks like, kids. Holy shit is that Raphael Saddiq on guitar? You can’t push him like you push Keith. He’s not used to it….Kris Kristofferson when did you get so old?...Babs and another example of what a superstar looks like, kids. Though that dress isn’t doing her any favors…Nicki Minaji clearly loved that Bride of Blackenstein sketch on SNL last week…P. Diddy needs to stick to classic suits. Trying his own edgy style looks like shit…so how is it with all the men Rhianna worked with, none of them beat the shit out of Chris Brown?...JLo is The Bride of The Zombie…it’s okay, Babs. Beyond a bunch of hipsters who are undoubtedly upset that “their” band is even on the Grammys, no one knows or gives a fuck about Arcade Fire. Though I do like the idea that winners get to close the show.
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