I AM THE 400TH RIP OFF OF THIS IDEA

1. Unknown/Warners Wknd/$ 21.8 Total/$ 21.8

2. I Am Number Four/Touchstone Wknd/$ 19.4 Total/$ 19.4

3. Gnomeo And Juliet/Disney Wknd/$ 19.2 Total/$ 50.3

4. Just Go with It/Sony Wknd/$ 18.5 Total/$ 50.3

5. Big Momma 3/Fox Wknd/$ 16.3 Total/$ 16.3

6. Justin Bieber/Parmount Wknd/$ 13.3 Total/$ 48.2

7. The King’s Speech/Weinstein Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$103.2

8. The Roommate/SGems Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 32.5

9. The Eagle/Focus Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 15.1

10. No Strings Attached/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 66.0

THEN HE’LL TAKE ON THE KILLER BEES

Unknown opens at number one and Liam Neeson has begun a second career as an aging action star battling the collective fears of society. First, he stops those dirty foreigners from taking your virginal daughters because the weak-ass French sure as hell can’t do it and now he’s going to snap the necks of anyone trying to steal your identity. In the next one I want him to kill people who steal your wireless internet signal. You can tell he’s a bigger star now because in the last one the 20-something actress played his daughter. Here the 20-something actress plays his wife. Honestly, because this just looked so much like Taken and because they gave so much away in the trailer (it’s clearly a plot against him and apparently he’s got ass-kicking skills no normal doctor would have) sleeping in looked like a more enjoyable option.

THE AMAZING POWERS OF BUFFY ON THE ROSWELL/SMALLVILLE BORDER

I Am Number Four opens at number two and I’ll admit, this was a guilty pleasure to me, but given I’ve watched ten years of Smallville is that a surprise? Superpowered teens have been a part of pop culture since Superboy first popped up sixty years ago and has continued on through Spider-Man, Buffy and technically the Twilight series. That last example is especially relevant when you consider this is based on Young Adult novel from the fiction factory of none other than disgraced novelist, James Fry (by fiction factory I mean his name is on it, but it’s written by one of a group of writers). But the real wonder is how the creators of either the Powers of Matthew Star or Roswell aren’t suing them for essentially copying their idea. Basically, the last members of the elite of an alien race are all hiding on earth and each has a guardian. Judging by the looks of them, this was a planet of supermodels, as pretty boy Alex Pettyfer (who aside from being a model is the son of a model) is the charge and Timothy Olyphant is the guardian. This is what makes their “blend in” strategy so hysterical. Yeah, no one’s going to notice the tall, good-looking father and son duo. Especially when the kid dyes his hair blonde of all colors, because no one notices a tall, good-looking blonde. But on a basic level it works, especially in the last twenty minutes, where all the teen angst stops and the powers, explosions and special effects come out. Just don’t ask yourself logical questions, like, if their guardians know these kids are to be the super-powered defenders against evil why the fuck aren’t they training them? When the kid throws a tantrum and uses his newly awakened powers against Timothy Olyphant, Olyphant the uses a precise strategy to kick his ass anyway. You’d think that lead to a lecture about his powers not being enough against someone used to fighting them (like their enemies clearly did to wipe out their race) but it doesn’t. Little details like that are what prevent this from at least being a decent little teen action movie. Another reason the last half-hour is a lot fun is entrance of the no-nonsense Number Six, a cute blonde on a motorcycle who actually knows how to kick ass using her powers, but a smarter producer would have introduced her to the film midway through, not in the final act. It’s not like it’s a good book you’d be changing.

BLONDE, PRETTY, BIG BOOBS…SINCE WHEN DO PEOPLE LIKE THAT?

The cinematic herpes known as Gnomeo & Juliet holds at number three, followed by Just Go With It At Number four and what is it about Brooklyn Decker that I’m not getting? Even on a purely physical level (not that there’s anything else) what is it about her that makes seeming every male cream in their jeans? Honestly, Bridgette Wilson in Billy Madison was hotter.

MARTIN THE MOVIE WOULD BE BETTER

Big Momma: Like Father, Like Son opens at number five and there just are no words for this…abomination. Seriously, this looks like one of those 30 Rock joke movies that Tracey Jordan has made. As Eddie Murphy said about Beverly Hills Cop 3 “It’s hard to turn down $15M dollars” but there shouldn’t be any amount of money in the world that would get you to do this. Will Smith, you should help your boy out and make Bad Boys 3 to stop him from doing shit like this. No, the world doesn’t need Bad Boys 3 either, but it needed this even less.

POTENTIAL AND FIFTY CENTS WILL GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE

Justin Beiber: Never Say Never is down to number six, followed by The King’s Speech at number seven and The Roommate at number eight and also in this is Billy Zane who is like a rocket that just simply couldn’t make orbit. He’s been around forever and always seemed like just one step away from being a star, from having a role in Titanic to being the titular star of the potential Phantom movie franchise, but it just never happened to the point he was reduced to a joke about mostly being famous for dating models, as shown in Zoolander. Know who else was in The Phantom? Catherine Zeta Jones. He was also the psycho who tormented Nicole Kidman and Sam Neil in Dead Calm. And was the funniest part of Only You with Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, that’s gotta hurt seeing how many of your own generation have succeeded and now you’re just supporting the next generation. Well, at least you’re working. Can’t remember the last time I saw your sister, Lisa Zane. Maybe she’s hanging out with Angelina Jolie’s brother.

MANLY MEN DOING MANLY THINGS

The Eagle is down to number nine and this is the manliest movie in the manliest sense because there are no women in it. I mean there are women of course, but none with an actual speaking role that I can remember, much less a character of any substance or weight. Even the book has at least one woman who actually saves the life of Jamie Bell’s character in the arena. In the movie Channing Tatum does it so the “No Girls Allowed” sign can stay on the clubhouse door. It’s funny because I mocked Centurion for its somewhat forced inclusion of the beautiful woman who helps the lead. You just can’t win with me.

THE SECOND IN THE HISTORY OF STAR WARS

No Strings Attached closes out the top ten at number ten and far from crushing Natalie Portman’s Oscar chances with a Norbit like torpedo, this may actually bolster it by showing her as a successful box office force. It’s made $88M worldwide on a $25M budget without a single special effect and Black Swan has made $200M off a $13M budget. Gasp! Is Natalie Portman finally a genuine A-list star?

I WAS BORN IN A SMALL TOWN

Not in the top ten is Cedar Rapids a comedy about Ed Helms as a small-town manchild who loses his innocence in the wilds of Cedar Rapids. This is one of those films that simultaneously exalt the virtues of middle America but at the same time ripping off the veil. Helms is genuinely a simple innocent, but the film opens with him boning his former 5^th grade teacher, played by Sigourney Weaver. He loves the small insurance firm where he works and idolizes its best salesman---who then dies of autoerotic asphyxiation. He genuinely does not know the girl talking to him in front of the hotel is a hooker and gives her butterscotch but later winds up doing meth and making out with her. Yeah, it’s like that, but believe it or not, it all works thanks in no small part to an army of talented supporters from the aforementioned Sigourney Weaver to Stephen Root to Anne Heche to John C Reilly (as the foul-mouthed agent who helps lead him down the path of awakening) to Rob Corddry to Isaiah Whitlock Jr, providing a meta joke as very square insurance salesman who loves “HBO’s The Wire.”

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

I love you, Judy Greer, but Mad Love is yet another bad TV show you’re on and I cannot put myself through it just for you. I remain eternally sad love monkey didn’t work out. Even that show on ABC with as a guidance counselor was better than this.