THAT'S THE NOT THE BLUE CHRISTMAS I WANT

1. I Am Legend/Warner Wknd/$ 76.5 Total/$ 76.5
2. Alvin & The Chipmunks/Fox Wknd/$ 45.0 Total/$ 45.0
3. The Golden Compass/NewL Wknd/$ 9.0 Total/$ 41.0
4. Enchanted/Disney Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 92.3
5. No Country For Old Men/Mira Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 33.6
6. The Perfect Holiday/YFG Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 3.6
7. Fred Claus/Warner Wknd/$ 2.3 Total/$ 69.0
8. This Christmas/ScreenG Wknd/$ 2.3 Total/$ 46.0
9. Atonement/Focus Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 3.0
10. August Rush/Warner Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 28.1


THE BETA MAN
If you’re still doubting Will Smith’s power as a star, you need to stop. Almost $77M on the first freaking weekend!?! And he’s literally the only person in it? And this is just domestic? How many times a day do you figure he’s ducking phone calls from Martin Lawrence? This is the third adaptation of legendary science fiction author Richard Matheson’s novel, I Am Legend. Originally, it was the last man on earth overrun by vampires and was made into a movie with Vincent Price called The Last Man on Earth, because apparently literal titles were called for (you can watch it on Google video right now if you want). It was made again with a modern twist in the 70’s with Charlton Heston, as part of his “the future will suck” trilogy, with Planet of the Apes and Soylent Green. There it was biological warfare that left him the last man on earth fighting the diseased survivors who wore robes and sunglasses. It was rumored to be the basis for the third Blade Movie, where the vampires had won and he was the last person on earth fighting them (which, though bleak, sounds interesting). Here the plague pretty much turns the people it doesn’t outright kill into marauding cannibals, who are actually scary---until you see they’re just CGI monsters. Yes, once again, needless CGI undercuts a film. As goofy as they were, there was an inherent creepiness in albinos of The Omega Man, here that’s lost. The first glimpse we get of them is obviously guys in makeup and they are frightening, but then they become video game characters and who the hell is afraid of that? We need to band together as a nation---no, as a people---and stop the use of needless CGI in movies! Stop the further “Lucas-zation” of films! While NYC deserted is always fascinating (I had a cab drive accidentally drive onto one of these set ups last year), there’s a bit too much of “a man alone” at the expense of other things, namely, “a man vs. the bad guy.” In the novel and pretty much every remake there’s the idea that the “monsters” are actually a new version of humanity and that by killing them, the last human has actually become their “monster.” That is touched on here, but strangely not explored and actually dismissed by Will Smith even though there is ample evidence to the contrary. We see that one of the infected is obviously leading the others and at one point sets the exact same trap for Will Smith that he set for one of them, but we have to deal instead with the drama of Will Smith and his dog. I would rather have seen more of the struggle between Will Smith and the infected. That’s what I pay to see in a $150M blockbuster movie. Not, explorations of his loneliness in the apocalypse. I got it after the first ten minutes, I didn’t need another twenty. What is the point dumbing it down to eliminate the “how do you define humanity” aspect, if you’re not going to keep going and make it a better “man vs. the apocalypse” action movie.

THE DEFINING ALBUM OF THE 80’S: CHIPMUNK PUNK
Alvin and The Chipmunks opens at number two and sadly, there was still a pull in me to see this. Thankfully, the lazy adult in me overruled the delighted kid in me, but it was considered. Now this is where fucking CGI should be utilized. It’s perfect for a movie like this, especially when they made the decision to make the chipmunks actual size, rather than the size of small children like in the past. To show you just what a pull this still has, it opened incredibly well despite a very lackluster (pretty much nonexistent) ad campaign. Any other week, this would have been the number one film in the country. Let’s face it: we just have a weakness for hearing modern songs being sung in chipmunk voices. And nothing, nothing is funnier than chimpmunks doing hardcore hip-hop. In fact, if this movie had been about Alvin & The Chipmunks being revamped as a rap group I would have been in there! Also, they stressed it was a family film, when what aided the chipmunk comeback of the 80’s was the parody where Alvin was smoking weed.

YOU WANNA MAKE MONEY? PISS OFF JESUS.
The Golden Compass is down to number three and Alvin & The Chipmunks making as much in three days as this has in two weeks is not good news. But there is a silver lining. It’s actually made more overseas than it has domestically, which is ironic considering the Catholic Church has more pull outside the US than it does here. Maybe if it actually pissed people off more it might generate more attention to an indictment of it. Similarly, The DaVinvci Code actually made more than twice as much overseas as it did here. Then again, I think people read more elsewhere, so maybe it’s just more a reflection on the audience of the books. But Daniel Craig must have felt at home onset given his two leading ladies were present. First Nicole Kidman who was with him in Invasion and then Eva “Goth Without Even Trying” Green who was his very nice leading lady in Casino Royale. Aside from being hot, she has a special place in my heart for describing herself as “typically French and lazy.”

OXYMORON: HUMBLE PRETTY BOY
Enchanted is down to number four and also in this continuing his wise career strategy of solid ensemble and supporting work is pretty boy James Marsden as The Prince. Like a good supporting role, it makes him look good, he shares in its success, but even if it fails he gets to be singled out as a good part of a bad movie.

HERE’S WHERE I SHOW I HAVE PROBLEMS
No Country For Old Men is up to number five, followed by The Perfect Holiday at number six and this is---and I hate to categorize it like this---another Black Christmas movie, but this comes from Queen Latifah who needs to let other people make these decisions, because her production efforts are somewhat lacking. Previous efforts include The Cookout and Who’s Your Caddy and you can always tell, because she not only makes a cameo but uses her influence to get a better than average cast, which is why this has a more stellar line-up than This Christmas. Only she could have talked Terrance Howard into this as a character named “Bah Humbug.” And how many times are Gabrielle Union and Morris Chestnut going to be paired up onscreen with no nudity!?! They’re not getting any younger. No, I don’t want an erotic Christmas story---wait, I think I do. And why not? We’ve had Christmas horror stories and Die Hard, Die Hard 2 and Lethal Weapon are all Christmas action movies. Where’s my Christmas fucking!?!

I CONTINTUE TO REVEAL MY ISSUES
Fred Claus is down to number seven and god knows we don’t want to see Vince Vaughn humping in anything, Christmas or otherwise. Now, his love interest here, Rachel Weisz, is another matter altogether and is seeing her naked and having sex is your thing, then check out the movie, I Want You. It’s not a happy movie, but is beautifully shot and there’s no shortage of sex and/or nudity in it. But it’s English sex and nudity, so be warned of pasty and pale asses on display.

HONEY, I SHRUNK MY CAREER
This Christmas is down to number eight and what the hell is Rick Moranis doing in this movie? He had a shot at the brass ring after Ghostbusters and Honey, I Shunk The Kids, but I guess his enthusiasm for the business kinda dissipated when his wife died of cancer in the early 90’s. That’s when he pretty much dropped off the radar. Sad too, because he and Dave Thomas would rock on SCTV and then they had their moment in the sun with Bob & Doug McKenzie---which was promptly extinguished by the movie, Strange Brew, which took waaaay too long to hit the theaters.

STILL SUCKING AFTER ALL THESE YEARS…
Atonement enters the top ten at number nine and this is as Oscar bait as it gets. Based on a novel, English cast, period piece…the Academy eats that shit up, even when it just sucks, sucks, sucks like The English Patient. I’m personally looking forward to it, but I have to see it in the right way. This is one of those films that are like a good meal. You want to sit down and savor it. Twenty years ago this would have been a Merchant Ivory film and have starred Helena Bonham Carter and Jeremy Irons.

THE END
Finally, August Rush closes out the top ten at number ten holding on longer than it had any right to.

CREEPY, PALE, HOT GIRLS IN RETRO DRESS? THE KATE BUSH SYNDROME.
I won’t front. I knew who The Pierces were, but to me they were just another sister act (Sara & Tegan, Aly & AJ, Brick & Lace) and I didn’t give them the time of day---until I saw them on Gossip Girl doing their wonderfully creepy song, “Secret” at the debutante ball (AND I’M STILL LOOKING FOR THAT DAMN JACKET). Because of that I was finally moved to pick up their album “13 Songs of Love & Revenge” and I don’t see how I passed up a title like that the first time. Oddly, enough they don’t have video for this, which is not only the first song on the album, but the best I’ve heard so far, but in keeping with their creepy theme, the video for “Sticks and Stones” begins with a guy shoving a bound and gagged girl into the trunk of his car! Then he picks up The Pierces hitchhiking and let’s just say it’s every horror story you ever heard or read of what happens to people who pick up beautiful hitchhikers. It made me want to hear other creepy songs and the first thing that popped into my mind was Helen Reddy’s “Angie Baby” about a girl who has no friends and is so crazy her parents pull her out of school. Ultimately, she traps the lecherous neighbor boy in her radio to be her lover forever while the rest of the world thinks he’s dead. Ah, the seventies… Where they would tell depressing stories. All. The. Time. The emo boys can be as dark as they wanna be, but it’s nothing compared to something like “Seasons In The Sun” which opens with “Goodbye my love it’s hard to die…”

WELCOME TO THE O.Z., BITCH!
So, I finally got around to watching the six hours of Tin Man on my DVR and…why? Seriously, what was the point of this? It wasn’t totally uninteresting, and definitely had a nice look, but what is the point of changing the story of Dorothy in OZ to DG in The O.Z. (no, I’m not kidding; that’s what they call it in the story; it’s the Outer Zone) and make her, not a simple farm girl from Kansas but a princess from another world raised in Kansas by two robots after her sister, The Wicked Witch, kills her as a child and apparently Glinda the Good Witch is their mother (which is how she’s brought back to life). The Scarecrow is now a genius inventor who was Glinda’s advisor, before the Wicked Witch took his brains through a giant zipper in his head. Tin Man is actually an ex-cop and obviously “tin” is a reference to “tin star.” Why he gets the title is beyond me, since he’s not the focus of the story. It actually feels more like an idea that had Wizard of Oz aspects slapped on top of it to sell it. There are references to the original Wizard of Oz, but are dropped with all the subtlety of a falling anvil. The problem is, there’s no wit or verve behind any of it. There’s no intellectual conceit either, no edge or even some sort of revisionist view (though there is an interesting twist as to how the Wicked Witch became wicked and Dorothy’s hand in it and it actually managed to wake me up). It’s just a very workman like production, like 99% of all the things on The SciFi Channel. This is typical of the Halmis, who are the people behind all those lame fantasy mini-series that keep popping up like Dinotopia, The 10th Kingdom, Earthsea, The Infinite Worlds of HG Welles, etc. Needless to say, they’re also behind the current Flash Gordon TV series. Even actors like Zooey Deschanel and Alan Cummings are dull. Ironically, Anna Friel does a better Zooey Deschanel on Pushing Daisies, which also has all the magic this lacked. But the new flying monkeys are creepier than the originals. It's weird, but bruthas are more disturbed by the flying monkeys than anyone.

ROLLING ON THE RIVER STYX
So Ike Turner died. Hell has a new guitarist. What’s funny and sad is that when Phil Spector was inducted into the Rock & Roll hall of fame he had Ike Turner as a guest at his table, apparently, not giving a rat’s ass Tina Turner was at the ceremony as well. I’m sure Ike will save him a seat in hell on that special level they have for assholes who treat women like shit.