GET ME THAT JACKET!

1. The Golden Compass/NewL Wknd/$ 26.1 Total/$ 26.1
2. Enchanted/Disney Wknd/$ 10.7 Total/$ 83.9
3. This Christmas/ScreenG Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 42.8
4. Fred Claus/Warner Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 65.6
5. Beowulf/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 76.0
6. No Country For Old Men/Mira Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 28.9
7. August Rush/Warner Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$ 20.4
8. Hitman/Fox Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 35.8
9. Awake/MGM Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 10.7
10. Bee Movie/DreamWorks Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 121.0

HEAVEN KNOWS
The Golden Compass opens at number one and this is currently infamous because it’s sent some religious nutcases into a frenzy, because it’s based on a series of books known as the His Dark Materials Trilogy (The Golden Compass is the first book in the series) by an avowed atheist as a flat out attack on religion. In other words, it’s like an answer to the Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe, which was underlying Christian. The irony is, these books are meant for kids who don’t really give a shit either way. All they see are kid heroes, magical worlds and talking animals. The further irony is, in an effort not to alienate the audience either way, the producers of both films have essentially castrated the subtext and underlying themes. All that remains here is the evil body in this movie calls itself The Majesterium, which is also a self-referential term for The Catholic Church. The Majesterium here is trying to stop James Bond (actor Daniel Craig) from researching the possibility of not just other universes but of something called “Dust” which has something to do with people’s souls, which here are called “daemons” and walk alongside you in animal form. The college goes against The Majesterium and funds James Bond’s research. In seeming response The Majesterium sends Nicole Kidman who takes away his orphaned niece who is being raised at the college (and if you can’t see this twist coming, you’re just a moron). Just before the girl goes, the head of the college gives her the last remaining Golden Compass, which was actually given to them by her uncle, though it’s apparently her destiny to have it. The Golden Compass allows the user to divine the truth in situations and all the others were destroyed by The Majesterium (‘cause, you know, they’re evil and need to hide the truth). The girl is supposed to keep it hidden, which is why she, of course, wears it in a leather pouch around her at all times. Because no one is going to notice you with that thing on your body 24/7. Obviously, Nicole Kidman does and with her creepy little golden monkey daemon try to take it from her. The girl then escapes and is found by gypsy types called “Gyptians” because there was obviously some intense imagination going on here. They’re gearing up to fight The Majesterium because it’s been kidnapping their children. Using the Golden Compass, the girl can guide them to the kids, and along the way picks up a warrior polar bear to protect her and this is the best part of the film. There’s much more and it all comes at you a million miles an hour with not much follow through, which is the problem. Books like this are dense with their own mythology and of course a certain amount must be sacrificed when bringing it to the screen. However, Lord of The Rings, whose books started all this crap, proved you can still do them a certain amount of justice, but you’re going to have a near three-hour running time so just suck it up. Not to mention, this comes from New Line, the same studio that produced those films! But still they don’t and the story suffers for it (they even chop the ending off, completely ignoring that parts of it are actually in the trailer!) So between that and destruction of the subtext, it pretty much becomes a movie about fighting polar bears and talking animals. But in that respect, it isn’t bad, though I don’t understand why sooo much CGI is needed. I mean they’re animating dogs and cats. Dogs. And. Cats. You know, those animals that have been trained for 70 years to do things in films? This is the sad precedent set by George Lucas who would CGI actual people when he didn’t need to. If anything, they should have replaced Nicole Kidman with it, because every talking animal in this thing has more life in its face than she does.

CAN’T BUY ME MY NAME ABOVE THE TITLE
Enchanted is down to number two and also in this is Patrick Dempsey, sticking to his guns of “support the woman” which has served him well with his Grey’s Anatomy comeback and even with the modest success of Hillary Swank and her teacher movie. He knows the days of Can’t Buy Me Love are not coming back. Instead he’ll join Mark Ruffalo and Dermot Mulroney in the “Behind Every Actress Who’s An A-List star Is A Dude Who’s Not” club. Here, Amy Adams continues her ascension to A-list she’s been building to since all but stealing both Wedding Crashers and Junebug---for which she was nominated for a Supporting Actress Oscar, and thank she didn’t win, because we would never have seen her again.

BLASPHEMER!
This Christmas is down to number three and if you really want to know just how much Chris Brown annoys me, know that he annoys me more than Usher, who just recreated Gene Kelly’s signature number “Singing In The Rain” for the Movies Rock show (which is partnered with that great Movies Rock magazine I told you about last week). Usher and Gene Kelly should never have been in the same sentence ever, but here they are. I think you can imagine how much that annoys me. Now double that and you’ll just begin to approach what I think of Chris fucking Brown.

AND CRAP BEGAT GARBAGE AND GARBAGE BEGAT JUNK AND JUNK BEGAT…
Fred Claus actually rises to number four and it’s only going to get worse as they get closer to Christmas, which is why stars don’t stop making holiday shit like this.

I KNOW FAR TOO MUCH ABOUT NOTHING AT ALL
Beowulf is down to number five and another odd piece of casting here is Costas Mandylor, one of two Australian brothers who briefly popped up on the radar back in the 90’s. If you remember them then you’re as sad as I am and have watched far too many lame TV shows and bad movies, not the least of which was the adaptation of Delta of Venus. It’s amazing how some people are so untalented they can make sex boring.

PRETTY BOYS DON’T EAT PUSSY
No Country For Old Men is up to number six followed by August Rush, holding steady at number seven which is pretty impressive. Hitman is down to number eight, followed by Awake at number nine and also in this is Fisher Stevens, best known as “The Undeserving Dweeb Who Had And Lost Michelle Pfeiffer.” What’s even more amusing is that he’s rumored to have cheated on her. Now, some may wonder how someone like him could cheat on someone like her, but there are many who insist that pretty people tend to be lousy in bed because they feel no need to try as the object to be desired, whereas ugly people know they have to go that extra mile to get the return engagement. I do agree somewhat with the the latter, as I doubt oral sex was created by someone who ever modeled a swimsuit. No it was some fugly bastard who knew he’d never get another chance unless he did something drastic…and that’s how Oog Ma of the Telu tribe took Mela from Dorak, despite Dorak’s more promienent brow and superior woolly mammoth hunting skills.

BEGONE!
Finally, Bee Movie closes out the top ten at number ten. I’d love to say this was going away now, but so many kids are going to be dumped in the movies on Christmas Day, that even with Enchanted, Fred Claus, The Golden Compass and Alvin & The Chipmunks around, there’ll be enough spillover to bring it back. Sigh.

DIONYSUS UNBOUND!
So, I finally put my body to its ultimate test with my honoring Dionysus at a bar near my home. Needless to say, though it’s half a block away, I still wasn’t there on time, but only The Lunatic had preceded me. Or so I thought, because apparently the Former Blonde Bombshell was sitting at the bar and I walked right by her. She was later joined by Star Sister and her boyfriend, who also didn’t know I was in the back. It was my plan to buy everyone a drink for coming to see me, but then everyone insisted on buying me a drink. I blame Surrogate Sister for this as she tried to make it some sort of birthday celebration for me, but I stopped celebrating it back in my 30’s. Now it’s just a countdown to erectile dysfunction and death, so we just don’t acknowledge them any more. I was surprised to see Vassar Girl make an appearance, as I haven’t seen her in forever (see, she moved to Brooklyn and that’s pretty much the beginning of the end). Movie Buddy demonstrated why she’s a good friend by showing up and immediately asking, “What are we eating?” I momentarily out-gayed Nightlife Guide by getting into a discussion with his friend about the fashion of Gossip Girl (yes, I’m still looking for that damn jacket and if any of you gave a shit about me you’d find it). Around The Way Girl did a drive by to say hello and let me know that her engagement was finally official. Also making an appearance were two of my former co-workers from the real estate agency, Eve Harrington and Cruella DeVille. Eve Harrington is actually a guy I trained who just blended right into that lifestyle of money and bitchery. First job out of college and he found where he could be a bitchy queen and succeed. Cruella DeVille worked in the office in some public relations and I don’t think she could or would dress poorly even with a gun to her head. I also give her points for self-effacing humor as when we made a joke about her having a “blonde moment” she responded, “And I’m Polish too, so it’s twice as bad.” Speaking of former co-workers, their mirror image from the comic book store appeared with Geekus Prime and his girlfriend, Miss Teschmacher, who are both managers. I joked it wasn’t a night until someone hit the floor and someone did, but in true form, it’s always the last person you expect it to be (and I won’t embarrass her here). After she fell for the second time, it pretty much signaled the end of the night and I put her in a cab (she wasn’t so drunk she couldn’t try to negotiate with a few cabs for the ride home to Queens) and headed home myself. This is when I hit the floor. Apparently, I’d been so preoccupied with talking with my friends and then taking care of her, I didn’t realize how freaking drunk I was. I found out quickly…when the bed wouldn’t stop moving. I then wrapped myself up in my favorite 15-year-old “drunk comforter” and went to sleep on the nice, hard floor, which does not move. I woke around 6:00 am still slightly drunk with the beginning of a hangover…WHICH FEELS A LITTLE LIKE A BRAIN BLEED! Yes, for a few moments on the floor in a drunken painful stupor, I began to imagine my brain was bleeding again. Thankfully, I was smart enough to take the next day off and by five I’d healed myself with Popeye’s Chicken and a Slurpee. God’s medicine.

DIONYSUS UNBOUND PT. II
Though she didn’t stay, Around The Way Girl did stop by my gathering, so I felt obligated to stop by hers. Also, my comic book people stopped by and they were getting together, so I could do no less. We started at The Black Room, which is a wine bar near FIT. I’d been there before with Star Sister a few years earlier and there as well we missed each other. Around The Way Girl works in finance and so does her fiancée so you can imagine the make up of this party. Let me put it this way, of the women I wound up speaking to, literally half had gone to Wharton Business School. One was a very nice Italian woman who was thinking about buying an apartment and I offered what little knowledge I had about real estate, mostly expressing how much I hate co-ops and new buildings. We were joined by her friend who entertained me with just her presence, as she was a combination of Miranda and Samantha from Sex & The City. Tall, blonde attractive, but maybe a little too smart for her own good, because she didn’t seem crazy and there’s simply no other reason someone like that is going on a series of blind dates like she was. Samantha/Miranda even broke her dates down to a sad formula: 1st Drink: Discuss Work; 2nd Drink: I’m Divorced; 3rd Drink: You’re So Sexy. She obviously knew what she wanted and made no bones about it and that’s scary to those of us with exterior genitals. That was the other thing; Samantha/Miranda was definitely on the prowl. She came to that shindig prepared to possibly hook up and it was so coming off her, I couldn’t help but smile. Obviously, my short, broke, fat ass was not a consideration, but when the six-foot-something, artistically scruffy Brazilian named Ecco showed up, the Italian and I found ourselves quickly abandoned while she discussed her upcoming trip to Brazil with him, in detail without distraction. But artistically scruffy types aren’t really drawn to the Samanthas and Mirandas of this world, much less a combination, so she was quickly back to us. Round about the time Samantha/Miranda started trying to convince The Italian to get a Hamptons share, I knew it was about time for me to go, as I believe that only the worst people in NYC go to the Hamptons, which is why summer is the best time to be here. Also, I had to join my geeks downtown, where drinks weren’t $10 a pop. It was naturally at a bar across the street from St. Mark’s Comics. A longtime employee who’d moved to Portland---where apparently you can live so cheaply, he now works half as much but is able to save more money---was back in town and that was his hang. After brief stops by the store to buy a new Captain America action figure and to Paul’s Hamburger Palace for cheeseburger to line my stomach, I joined them at the bar. Well, outside first, as one of the staff members is underage and couldn’t get in (and you’re know they’re serious about carding when a cute 18-year-old with a serious rack gets turned away at the door). I then spent the next three hours discussing every possible geek thing you could imagine without shame and with the aid of alcohol. It was not pretty. There was even a comic book artist at the table, who thanked me for supporting the Supergirl book he once drew. This is the problem with booze, because in retrospect I had a bunch of geeky questions I failed to ask him. Then again, he was seemingly more interested in another one of the cute East Village girl clerks St. Mark’s Comics is known for. When she left, he didn’t hang around to talk to us and hopefully when home to his pregnant wife. So two nights, three gatherings a lot of drinks later I’m somewhat confident I’ve fully recovered. After all, you don’t test your brake repair by restrained driving at safe speeds. Yeah, I had one paranoid moment, but I have those every time my head so much as tingles when I work out.

ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES A FAT BOY…
So long as I was destroying my body, I decided to try and make a frittata for the first time. A three-cheese frittata. Mozzarella, Swiss Gruyere and Asiato. Along with freshly cut red pepper that I sautéed in olive oil. Yeah, you know you want me. But I don’t want you, ‘cause I’ve got cheese.

YOU FUNNY
Finally, it was Dave Attell who made my weekend complete when he had an hourlong special on HBO. It was as wonderfully tasteless as ever. You have to love a joke about lying to your Native American girlfriend saying, “You above all should know how meaningless promises are.” I also loved the idea of a jagermeister ad campaign by showing what it does to you. “If the pumpkin didn’t want me to fuck it then why was it smiling at me!?! Jager.” And “A little girl sits alone on a swing crying. Where’s daddy? Jager.” I caught a little of the Kathy Griffin special which was more disturbing than funny. Did I really need to know Barbra Walters uses astroglide? I’ll never touch it again.