WITCH MOUNTAIN CASINO

1. Race To Witch Mountain/Disney Wknd/$ 25.0 Total/$ 25.0
2. Watchmen/Warner Wknd/$ 18.1 Total/$ 86.0
3. The Last House On The Left/Uni Wknd/$ 14.7 Total/$ 14.7
5. Madea Goes To Jail/LGF Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 83.2
4. Taken/Fox Wknd/$ 6.7 Total/$ 126.8
6. Slumdog Millionaire/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 132.6
7. Paul Blart: Mall Cop/Sony Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 137.8
8. He’s Just Not That Into You/WB Wknd/$ 2.9 Total/$ 89.0
9. Coraline/Focus Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 69.1
10. Miss March/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 2.3 Total/$ 2.4

THE BLAIR WITCH MOUNTAIN PROJECT
Opening at number one and my box of childhood memories is Race To Witch Mountain, which is actually Disney’s third attempt to unearth the Witch Mountain franchise. I didn’t watch either of those and didn’t go to see this one. Forget that the original probably wouldn’t hold up to a modern viewing, but this looks bad without the virtue of simply being dated. There’s bad and there’s needlessly stupid from people with zero imagination. As soon as I saw the commercial with The Rock making that stupid joke about what aliens are supposed to look like, I knew this was the latter. I know it’s a kid’s movie, but kid wouldn’t get that joke considering it’s a holdover from science fiction of the 40’s and 50’s, so now it’s just stupid and unfunny. Bolt was from Disney as well, but didn’t make as many stupid jokes in its entirety as I saw in this trailer alone. When your animated work is more sophisticated than your live-action work, you’ve got a problem. But I’m loving The Rock trying to pretend making family films was a choice for him. ALL YOUR OTHER MOVIES FAILED!!! It was this or back to wrestling and become the next Hulk Hogan! At least Vin Diesel had a sense of shame about The Pacifier and never made another. And then there’s the Kim Richards factor. Kim Richards was a childhood crush and that started for me in Escape to Witch Mountain and lasted through Hello Larry until Tuff Turf (co-starring James Spader and Robert Downey Jr). This was aided in no small part to her waist-length hair. I know she’s making a cameo in this, but even that wasn’t enough to get me in. Not to mention there’s no harmonica!

DID I SAY GEEKS? I MEANT FUCKING NUMBNUT VIRGIN GEEKS!
Watchmen is down to number two and here’s some hardcore geek for you: the characters in Watchmen were inspired by characters from Charlton Comics (after briefly toying with the idea of using the Archie Comics line of superheroes). DC Comics has acquired them in the 80’s and Alan Moore wanted to use them, but given the bleak results of this story, DC asked him to just create original ones. I agree with Alan Moore’s original idea that seeing a character you know descend into madness or get murdered carried more weight. Granted, seeing The Peacemaker (The Comedian), The Question (Rorschach), The Blue Beetle (Owlman) and Captain Atom (Dr. Manhattan) wouldn’t have made much difference to you, but in the comics it would have had a much greater impact. While some of the sad fates of the characters were still affecting, there was still a detachment because I had no previous connection to them. Imagine this movie with an insane Batman and a detached, uncaring Superman and you’ll see what I mean. The only character not from the Charlton universe was Miss Jupiter, played here by Carla Gugino and as her daughter, Malin Ackerman. While there was a Charlton character called Nightshade, Sally Jupiter was just a general commentary on why female superheroes have to wear high heels and be half-naked, though DC Comics does have Black Canary, whom like Miss Jupiter is a two generation female superhero who runs around in fishnets and heels---despite numerous attempts to pull her out of the masturbatory ghetto in which she dwells and put her in boots and pants. And if you want to get into a nice long internet fight, try suggesting that geeks grow up and stop dressing superhero women like strippers. Not that I’ve done it...or am doing it right now and getting pissed off all over again.

“NO MEANS NO” APPLIES TO SNUFF PORN HORROR FLICKS AS WELL
Last House on the Left opens at number three and while I obviously don’t do the scary something else I’ve had an increasingly weak stomach about as I’ve gotten older are rape scenes. It’s why I had to stop watching Law & Order SVU after the first season due to it being about sex crimes. Apparently I’m not alone, as this has been getting the serious pile-on from critics due to an unusually brutal rape scene. I guess the filmmakers decided that since the character live this time around, they could make the crime against her extra brutal. As if someone goes to see a scary movie for a graphic rape. Then again, they’ve been going to movies like Saw to see people graphically dismembered, so maybe this is their cup of tea. The movie is a remake of a Wes Craven film which was itself take off of a---yes---a Bergman film called Virgin Spring, which is based on an old European Folk tale about a family whose daughter is raped and murdered and her attackers unknowingly wind up seeking shelter in their home. However, unlike today’s family they were denied the pleasure of shoving a rapist’s head into a microwave.

HE’S GUILTY OF BLACK-ON-BLACK CRIME
Taken is down to number four, followed by Madea Goes To Jail---excuse me, Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail--- at number five and this week Entertainment Weekly discovered that all Black people don’t like him (nine actors refused to even be interviewed for the article). Shocking! You mean, we’re not all the same!?! You’ve discovered There’s a class system based on education and income just like real people!?! Oh my god! And yes, the higher the educational level and income, the less likely we are to like his crap. By the way HAVE YOU SEEN THE PRESIDENT!?! But they pussy out in only talking to actors. They should have asked Spike Lee what he thought.

PAUL BLART WITH A VENGEANCE
Slumdog Millionaire is down to number six, followed by Paul Blart: Mall Cop at number seven and given this is a bit of a Die Hard parody, I wonder if the inevitable sequels will follow the films? Now to make them deliberate parodies of the Die Hard sequels actually would be funny. And you know Samuel L. Jackson would be totally willing to show up.

AS INEVITABLE AS A TEENAGE BOY’S BONER: BAD TEEN SEX COMEDIES
He’s Just Not That Into You is down to number eight, followed by Coraline at number nine and opening in the top ten is Miss March, which was actually Miss February until the release date was changed, which may be the funniest thing about this movie. Just as Porky’s unleashed a stream of teen sex comedies in the 80’s and American Pie did it again in the 90’s, so have the works of Judd Apatow inadvertently done it for the latter half of the new millennium’s first decade. The irony being this didn’t do any better than the sexless sex comedy of the PG rated Fired Up last week. Boobs or no boobs, if you’re not funny, they will not come.

HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO CRAZY
Speaking of Drew Barrymore, not only is she one of the producers of He’s Just Not That Into You, but is also one of the producers of Tough Love, which is obviously in the same vein of just explaining the obvious---though if there’s something that’s obvious, it’s that Drew Barrymore shouldn’t be part of teaching anyone about a successful relationship. There’s apparently a lot of people who are incapable of change unless some jackass gets in their faces and tells them, “Change, you dumb bitch!” Luckily there’s a jackass out there for the job. And why is it all matchmakers seem to be assholes? Or does being a matchmaker makes you into an asshole because people just dumbasses? Given that they’re on a reality show, I’m going to go with the latter. But if he was nice and they were smart, you wouldn’t have a show, now would you? And what they really need is therapy to deal with the issues that makes them undatable, but again, that wouldn’t be fun to watch and would hardly justify humiliating them on film. But the idea that women are more delusional than men when it comes to dating is crap. Every fat, bald bastard out there thinks he’s funny and thinks he deserves Angelina Jolie because of it. No woman who looks like Jabba The Hut thinks she deserves Brad Pitt.

IF NOTHING ELSE, THIS WILL STOP HIS MOVIE CAREER
Speaking again of Drew Barrymore, can you believe that Jimmy Fallon was the first person to ever tell her she talks like a stroke victim? Too bad he didn’t mention that lisp. Yes, I did try watching Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. I hated Conan O’Brian so I wasn’t sad to see him go. At least Jimmy Fallon has experience in front of the camera to justify this gig. Conan was just a writer. And he’s not so bad. I mean, no one can interview Robert DeNiro because Robert DeNiro hates being interviewed. But Fallon needs to learn how to tell a bad joke as well as a good one. If you do it right, it’s still funny. But “Slow Jam The News” is hysterical, mainly because The Roots are the shit. Anyone who gives them shit about taking this gig has obviously never tried to make it as a musician or is a jealous musician, because now they’ve got health insurance. They’ve fought the good fight and earned a cushy gig like this one.