THE PRINCESS FROG

1. The Princess & The Frog/Disney Wknd/$ 25.0 Total/$ 27.9

2. The Blind Side/Warner Wknd/$ 15.5 Total/$ 150.0

3. Invictus/Warner Wknd/$ 9.1 Total/$ 9.1

4. The Twilight Saga: New Moon Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 267.4

5. A Christmas Carol/Disney Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 124.5

6. Brothers/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 17.4

7. 2012/Sony Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 155.3

8. Old Dogs/Touchstone Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 40.0

9. Armored/ScreenGems Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 11.7

10. Ninja Assassin/Warner Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 34.3

NEXT UP: ONE FOR THE LATINAS

To no one’s surprise, The Princess & The Fog opens at number one and this is a special Disney film for three reasons. One, it’s a return to hand-drawn animation after having CGI rule the roost for the last decade or so. Two, it’s also a return to musicals, as CGI movies really don’t do much of it and three, oh yeah, THE PRINCESS IS BLACK! I know it seems amazing that after all these years, this is Disney’s first Black leading lady, especially given how there have been Native American (Pocahontas) and even Asian (Mulan) but there’s really been nothing for the sistas. Well, our long national nightmare is finally over and even The Prince is clearly of a darker hue, though oddly from a European country where they speak French (which I’m sure will piss off someone, somewhere because he’s not an ebony child of the motherland). Not quite sure how that works, but hey, we’re going to go with it. I like hand drawn animation, because as nice as CGI is, there’s a warmth lacking in its technical perfection. What I don’t like are musicals and they fact that I was ready to nod off at one point is proof in the pudding. Unless the songs are exceptional and move the plot, all they do for me is slow the movie down. For example, when we meet The Shadow Man, his song explains him, but at the same time we see him moving the plot forward by moving against The Prince. When Mama Odie has her musical number she doesn’t move the plot forward and it’s not a coincidence this is when I felt the urge to nod off. It’s not that great a song and it doesn’t move the plot, so it’s just wasted time and you add those up and it’s a lot of wasted time, diluting the drama and cutting the movie’s effectiveness in half.

SHINY HAPPY BLACK PEOPLE

The Blind Side is down to number two, followed by Invictus at number three and while the fictional “Happy Negro Who Helps While People” may be done, but there are real life ones are still available as Nelson Mandela teaches Matt Damon to love Black people and help to unify the South African people…with rugby. Thing is, you don’t survive what he went through and accomplish what he accomplished merely by being a “happy negro.” This is clearly a very intelligent (borderline manipulative and cynical) political and social move, but it was no doubt one of many from an intelligent and very aware man, a little more than a Happy Smiling Negro. I hope there’s more of that man in this film, but the trailers just push a smile and Matt Damon’s growing awareness at me and I’m not interested in either.

MOTHER’S BABY, FATHER’S MAYBE

New Moon is down to number four, followed by A Christmas Carol at number five and Brothers is down to number six and also here as the parents to Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal are Mare Winningham and Sam Shephard. Sorry, but there’s more manhood in Sam Shephard’s left nut than in the two of these boys combined. Clearly they are his stepchildren and actually hers by Rob Lowe, a result of their relationship in St. Elmo’s Fire.

AND SHE WAS IN THE RECENT X-FILES MOVIE IF THAT TELLS YOU ANYTHING

2012 is down to number seven and also in this is Amanda Peet, finally having one in the win column after years of misses. Does anyone remember the show Central Park West but me? Yeah, she was on it, but what initially gave her heat was The Whole Nine Yards, but that was the exception while the rule was movies like Whipped and Saving Silverman and she returned to TV for that show Jack & Jill. Yeah, her agent is clearly a guy who can get you downfield, but falters in the red zone. We’re not even going to get into Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, a show I loved to hate. And this is actually her third film with John Cusack after Identity and Martian Child and clearly the third time was the charm.

NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH SHO ‘NUFF, THE SHOGUN OF HARLEM

Old Dogs is down to number eight, followed by Armored at number nine and closing out the top ten is Ninja Assassin and I cannot believe I forgot to mention that none other than Sho Kosugi is in this. In a perfect bit of casting, the man who was at the heart of the ninja movie explosion of the 80’s plays the head of the ninja school here. I’m not ashamed to say I saw Enter The Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja, that horrible TV show called The Master (where Lee Van Cleef was teaching Timothy Van Patten how to be a ninja in one of the worst martial arts TV show ever), Ninja III: The Domination, where the girl from Breakin’ was possessed by a ninja; Nine Deaths of the Ninja, Pray for Death, Rage of Honor and the movie that ended it for me, Black Eagle, which also had Jean Claude van Damme, but rather than the epic fight we were promised, van Damme was killed by a boat propeller. The movies had all been crap, but really turned to shit by the end and were pretty much an excuse to show his little boys, Shane and Kane kicking ass. He pretty much disappeared after that point himself until now. His sons are also still around having been in War (with Jet Li and Jason Statham), The Last Samurai and yes my beloved D.O.A: Dead or Alive.

ANYONE CAN READ BOOKS

The great DVD conversion continues. Twenty went out the door this week alone, but only two came in: The Chronicles of Riddick and The Fifth Element. What? You don’t maximize Blu-ray and High Definition TV with some drama about miners. You need something pretty with lots of digital effects (besides, The Godfather is still being sold as a trilogy rather than separate units and I will not have the abomination known as III in my home). Speaking of which, the last big Star Wars release looks great. Some regular DVD’s don’t survive the translation provided by a Blu-ray player on a hi-def TV, but say what you will about George Lucas and his continued milking of his fanbase with multiple releases, this came through with flying colors. Likewise with Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Terminator, because I sure has hell don’t remember seeing Arnold’s penis quite so clearly before.

ONE DAY WE WILL ALL BE OLD ASIAN MEN WITH WEIRD FRIENDS

So there was a moment of glimpsing one’s own mortality for me recently. I was walking home from the grocery store when I saw a man on the ground in front of the liquor store. Now this is hardly an unusual sight anywhere, especially New York, but there was something odd about this particular situation as there was a fairly well-dressed woman trying to see to him, rather than an irate store owner or exasperated cop trying to move him along. Then another woman came to her aid and this is when that annoying southern shit kicked in, because I couldn’t let two women try and pick some guy up and just walk on by. When I went to help I discovered he wasn’t actually a drunk, but an elderly Asian man who’d fallen and simply couldn’t get up. He too was fairly well-dressed, but easily in his 70’s and clearly frail. We asked him if he lived nearby or needed a cab, but all he wanted was to get the restaurant across the street so I took one arm and one of the ladies took the other and we led him to the restaurant. Sure enough, waiting for him in the corner were a couple, easily in their 50’s or 60’s, with a bottle of champagne. They were a tad flamboyantly dressed, suggesting artists of some sort and I had some idea of a reunion of a Round Table type of group, or possibly celebrating someone’s latest book being published. The woman told me they’d put him in a cab to make sure he got home, thinking I was the person taking care of him, suggesting how little she really knew about his life and that sadly struck a chord in me as I saw myself in 30 years, still trying to maneuver around an unforgiving city to meet my equally aged friends who were relatively clueless about the actual status of my life because I never told them anything. I needed a drink after that and had to open up a bottle of my roommate’s crappy wheat beer (that tastes sweet and of lemon) just writing that down. If he’d been black, I’d probably have a severe drug problem now. But for better or worse I have a pretty good coping system. I try remember that both he and his friends were all pretty well dressed, not like usual old people, which clearly meant they’d at least maintained their mental faculties and were either doing fairly well or had a nice, timeless sense of fashion and style and there are worse fates, so nothing’s up with me. What’s up with you?

MY DVR HAS BETTER THINGS TO DO

No, I will not watch Men of a Certain Age. That’s a little too close to home. It’s not like Cougar Town where we’re laughing at it while being smoking hot and boning 20-somethings. This is a drama.

ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY

Speaking of fate, it’s been trying to fuck with my solitude. When I sold off my TV it was to some woman over Craigslist. he came to my place to pick it up and like the beginning of a Penthouse Letter as she was absolutely gorgeous. I mean, I’d say it was the opening of a Penthouse Letter if her dad wasn’t with her…her dad who was clearly African, so I’d had five-feet-eight-inches of sheer perfection brought to me straight from the motherland. And to top it off, her email let me know she’s working for the ACLU in the Racial Justice Department, literally fighting for truth, justice and the American way. It’s like my mom got fed up waiting for grandchildren and ordered her for me. For all the good it did. I was actually too focused on my getting rid of my old TV to do anything, so when she said, “Oh, there must be a new TV here,” I failed to respond with “Yes, would you like to see it?” and strike up casual conversation (making sure she knew that the white woman in my apartment was only my roommate) resulting in a funny story for our kids on how we met. Nope, I just got them the hell out of my apartment so I could get dinner. Later, that week I’d discovered the sinful pleasure of Five Napkin Burger and was eating it every other day, which is not good given they’re about $15 a pop, but they’re gourmet and worth every friggin’ penny. I was debating on whether or not to just go there and eat at the bar so I could have it hot, but decided I’d bring it home. Of course when I’m at the bar getting it, two beautiful women (more sistas) come and drop down right beside me. A smarter dude would have immediately reconsidered and had his meal there. I went home. Finally, I was trying to take a picture of myself on with my bike by the river during one of my long rides when this woman who’s clearly photographing the views just like I was, comes over and offers to take my picture. I declined, hopped on my bike and went home. I’d say it’s because she wasn’t as pretty as the others, but I’d be lying. I was just being my usual idiot self. Just like those times when women have randomly commented on what I was buying in the grocery store (“Oh, is that chipolte sauce? I love it too.”). And then there’s the epic example of a woman flirting with me that I thought was a lesbian. That’s literally how I started off the year. I am anti-social, self-involved and self-loathing to be sure, but most of all I’m completely clueless and pretty much socially inept. But that’s okay because “I can’t afford to go out because I’ve spent all my money upgrading my DVD collection to Blu-ray” would pretty much kill anything before it started. It’s better this way, so mom, put down the voodoo dolls.

TIGER, TIGER BURNING BRIGHT, YOUR TASTE IN WOMEN IS A SAD, SAD SIGHT

Finally, clearly I know nothing of what it means to be a rich and famous person because I thought the point was to get to sleep with the most beautiful women in the world with almost no effort, not bone skanks and pay for the privilege. Yes, the fall of Tiger Woods has it been delicious to watch. Christmas came early for those of us who have never liked this arrogant fuck. Sorry, while I’ll never be a Black Panther or even an NAACP member, his bullshit stance about not being Black always rubbed me the wrong way. Then there’s the little matter that he’s a shitty tipper which pretty much says all you need to know about a person’s worth. The first billionaire athlete and he’s stingy to wage slaves!?! Well, wage slaves who don’t suck his dick. And you know I don’t feel badly about his wife either as she once took back one of few large tips he ever doled out. Excuse me, bitch, but what golf tournaments have you won? But how humiliating is it that every single tramp your husband has boned is less attractive than yourself? It’s one thing to find out your husband has been working his way through the Victoria’s Secret catalogue. It’s something else again to see Hooters waitresses, Reality Show Contestants and D-list porn stars. But it’s like David Letterman, Bill Clinton and that ESPN guy. It’s about a deep seated insecurity that exists no matter what the achievements. You won’t be the most prominent person to a supermodels or actress. Just maybe the most prominent person hitting on her that particular day. Not to mention she’s just as famous as you are and may not give a crap you won some game. She just got the cover of Vogue. Also, what if they say “No.” After all, you’re not a model. How crushing would that be? All your achievements and you’re back to being turned down by the head cheerleader. See, it’s not just about your dick, but your ego’s dick. “Ego Dick” is why every time some famous dude gets caught, it’s with some girl who wouldn’t be allowed to even intern at Elle, much less make its cover. It’s got to be someone so beneath you, that your every word, every visit is a major event in her life. Not someone who blows you off in Paris because a prince invited her to a party in Rome. And while it may seem a lot for him to give up $180M in endorsements to drop out of golf to save his marriage, it’s less than the cost should she divorce him, because then they’ll be gone for good, on top of alimony, child support and whatever the hell was in the pre-nup, which the public humiliation may allow her to break anyway. Yeah, I’m laughing more every day.