THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR...CASUAL WEAR

1. American Gangster/Universal Wknd/$ 46.3 Total/$ 46.3
2. Bee Movie/Dreamworks Wknd/$ 39.1 Total/$ 39.1
3. Saw IV/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 51.1
4. Dan In Real Life/Touchstone Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 23.0
5. 30 Days of Night/Sony Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 34.2
6. The Game Plan/Disney Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 82.0
7. Martian Child/New Line Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 3.7
8. Michael Clayton/Warner Wknd/$ 2.9 Total/$ 33.2
9. Why Did I Get Married/LGF Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 51.2
10. Gone Baby Gone/Miramax Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 14.9

UNSCARRED-FACE
American Gangster opens at number one and this barely covers Denzel Washington’s salary as he’s been paid $40M to do this movie. See they tried to make this two years ago with Antoine Fuqua as the director and with Benicio Del Toro in the Russell Crowe role. Denzel had a $20M pay-or-pay deal, which means you pay him $20M if you make the fucking thing or not. They did not and he got paid. And when they decided to try and make it again, they had to pay him again. This is the true story of Frank Lucas, who became the biggest gangster in NYC when he became the heroin source in New York by using the US Military to convey it, specifically, putting it in the coffins of dead servicemen. It’s a miracle it took this long to for someone to make a movie about it (or simple racism and you know that’s not a position I casually jump to). Given you’ve got such a compelling story this should have been a better movie. But then it was directed by Ridley Scott and it becomes a surprise it’s this good. No, I still don’t like Ridley Scott because he’s still a guy not that interested in characters or important telling details. Frank Lucas goes from saying he’s at the end of his money to buying his mother a mansion without any hint of the time that’s passed. We don’t know how long he’s been this super-dealer until Russell Crowe mentions at the end how long he’s been doing it. He brings his brothers up to run his operation (imitating the Italian model by keeping it all in the family to insure loyalty and trust) and this is done instantly and is a mystery to us, again, until Russell Crowe explains it. Crowe also gets better characterization than Denzel because we never get a clue inside of the man. He’s more like an android built the take the place of a gangster, than the pure sociopath he’d to be do in order to do what he does. He was the driver of famous gangster Bumpy Roberts (making this an odd sequel to Hoodlum, starring Lawrence Fishburne, about Bumpy’s rise to power), but we never know how that shaped him until, again, Russell Crowe lets us know and it’s only in his presence that Lucas provides a clue of how the man was made and what shapes his worldview. And I’m just not buying Russell Crowe as a Jewish cop “from the neighborhood.” Sorry, I’m just not. He gets more details to his character as a cop who turns in a million dollars in unmarked cash, but still hangs out with childhood friends who are mob members. An honest cop but an unrepentant womanizer who fights for custody of his son mainly to just to defeat his ex-wife. Get it? He’s complex! Ridley Scott can show you these things, but he has no clue as to how to make you feel it. Oh, and it’s too long.

BEE MINUS
Bee Movie opens at number two and for a funny animal movie not from Pixar, it’s not awful, but yet another example of how good they are at what they do and why everyone else pales in comparison. Oddly enough Jerry Seinfeld is part of the problem because his humor of “didya ever notice” is the dominant tone of the movie and at the movie’s lowest point, it becomes little more than his schtick animated. I’m having trouble even talking about this because I can barely remember what happened in the 97 minutes of this movie. But I do remember laughing because even bad Seinfeld is still funnier than most. The movie does have a funny premise: a bee goes into the world only to discover that humans are stealing honey from bees they keep as slaves, so he sues them. In fact the trial was the funniest part (it’s all coming back to me). This level of utter absurdity throughout would have served this film well. In fact, just letting Seinfeld write and not allowing him the lead role also would have been better. Matthew Broderick is his sidekick and I think he’s got a little comic timing under his belt, so he should have been the lead as Seinfeld’s a lousy, lousy actor when playing anything other than his cool, sociopathic self. Being just a voice doesn’t change that. In fact when Chris Rock shows up, it’s like a duel between the two worst comedic actors working.

THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF WINNING BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Saw IV is down to number three followed by Dan In Real Life and also in this is Juliette Binoche, still struggling to recover from the curse of Best Supporting Actress which was inflicted on her a decade ago with The English Patient. She insisted that doing this film was not “selling out” on her part, making her delusional as well as cursed. This is nothing but selling out. Hell, it’s selling out on Steven Carell’s part!

FUNNY BOOKS FOR SIMPLE PEOPLE
30 Days of Night is down to number five and while this was first a success in comics, it actually began a movie pitch, didn’t sell and so was turned into a comic, which is actually ideal because it provides a visual execution of the concept. This is perfect for illiterate business majors who sign off o decisions like this. Lots of pictures and none of that heavy reading that requires you to imagine things yourself. Believe it or not, there’s an entire industry of non-superhero work in comics that’s actually pretty good. Granted I read very little of it, but what I do touch on is worth your time. In fact one of the things I’m really looking forward to is Pax Romana, a series about the future where Islam is the dominant religion in the world, the Catholic Church getting its hands on a time machine and goes back to change things---starting by sending an army from the future to the first Christian emperor, Constantine. Needless to say, things will go wrong. The other idea that is a movie-waiting-to-be-made is The Light Brigade, which is of a army unit in WWII that finds itself fighting zombie troops raised by angels in their civil war that has fallen to earth. Bad angels with Nazis, good angels with Allies with a climatic battle at a monastery to protect the Sword of God. Oh, and did I mention the main character is Greek American soldier who’s lost his faith since the death of his wife? Yeah, I can’t believe it’s not coming out next summer either. But Batman: The Dark Knight is and that’s what I’d rather see anyway.

MORE ABOUT COMICS BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND
The Game Plan is down to number six and speaking of comics, the proof of why falling stars do family films is what happens when they are successful, like this trip. The Rock suddenly has a little clout, so when he says he’s set on playing the character of Black Adam, the prime enemy of Captain Marvel (HIS NAME IS NOT FUCKING SHAZAM!!!), this makes that movie’s production a lot more likely, because while he cannot carry it, as a bad guy he’d guarantee a certain audience. And it’s a wise move for him, because it means he doesn’t have to carry the movie. Unlike, say, The Sub Mariner movie he was also mentioned for. And yeah, he’d be perfect for both roles. Muscular? Widow’s peak? Vaguely ethnic? He’s your guy.

SAY ANYTHING? MORE LIKE “BE IN ANYTHING”
The Martian Child opens at number seven and how can John Cusack look at himself in the mirror? He’s such a pretentious prick but now is a painful sellout. Now he’ll pretty much do anything for a check, including warm and fuzzy family fare like this. Bear in mind this is guy who mocked crap like Indecent Proposal and Point of No Return (the lousy La Femme Nikita remake with my beloved Bridget Fonda) in interviews. And what’s he doing now? Must Love Dogs and 1408. Whore.

NOT A DOCUMENTARY ON THE MAKING OF DISNEY WORLD
Michael Clayton is down to number eight and I will see this, I swear. Just not so long as there’s something more fun to see. One main reason is I’m a fan of Queen Unisex herself, Tilda Swinton (who could be Cate Blanchett’s odd sister) who’s also in this. I’ve liked her since Orlando and if you’ve never seen it, you’re missing out on a beautiful little movie (nominated for Best Art Direction and Costume Design). It begins with Quentin Crisp as Queen Elizabeth and only gets better from there. Most of you, however, know her as the angel Gabriel in Constantine.

EASY READER SAYS, “DID YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE, BITCH!?!”
Why Did I Get Married is down to number nine, followed by Gone, Baby, Gone, closing out the top ten at number ten and also in this is Morgan Freeman and you know what he needs to do? Play a really bad guy, because I’m sick of this “benevolent patriarch” routine. Even when he was Easy Reader on The Electric Company I knew he wasn’t a guy who’d take a lotta shit. Easy Reader kinda looked like a pimp, so there was always this implied threat that he’d take a car antenna to you if you didn’t do your assigned reading. And am I the only person who remembers that his first breakout role onscreen was as a vicious pimp in Street Smart?

BLOOD AND SUCKING BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY
Halloween in NYC is scary, so I usually spend it hiding indoors. I did my time out and about in the village trying to get into overcrowded bars when I was a kid. This year I spent it with former vampire, Chasing Amy. Yes, when she was younger she was one of those people who spent their time dressed up like they were extras in Amadeus…or in a New Romantic band. She never went so far as to do the teeth thing, but she’s got plenty of embarrassing photos involving heavy eyeliner, fishnets and obviously gay boyfriends in pirate shirts. We’ve been trying to do a vampire marathon for awhile now, but this seemed to be the right time. Also, we had to break in her blender, which meant one thing: frozen margaritas. The first time I’ve ever made them outside my home. We only made it through one movie and that was Rise: Blood Hunter a vampire movie with Lucy Liu and Carla Gugino. It was released in maybe one theater and that was one too many. Lucy Liu plays a journalist who stumbles on real vampires and is converted into one of them. She then starts killing them off in revenge. The major flaw in this movie is that it attempts to somewhat “de-glamorize” the vampire existence and who the fuck wants that!?! Vampires in this don’t have super-strength or fangs (they use the little cross-blades from The Hunger---which Chasing Amy recognized instantly as it was probably a defining film in her life). They don’t even have a cool underground club where they hang out. But the most disappointing part is that they can have their asses kicked like anyone else. We know this because Lucy Liu spends half the movie unconscious. I stopped counting the fourth time she was knocked out. And then there’s the utter lack of sex appeal. You have Lucy Liu, who isn’t opposed to nudity in a vampire threesome and it’s not played up to maximum erotic effect. Do they seduce her and make her member of this un-dead ménage a trios? Nope. She’s raped and fed on by the first guy, then finished off by the girl, played by Carla Gugino, in another waste of a hot babe. Yeah, there’s no girl-on-girl action here so save your money. Then comes her wussy vampire hunter efforts. Unlike Blade and Buffy, vampires here know no martial arts, which is incredibly stupid because Lucy Liu actually does! So you’ve got a hot actress who does nudity and martial arts and you put her in a movie with no sex or fight scenes. And I’m sorry, Lucy Liu is 5’ tall, so unless you make her some sort of ass kicker she doesn’t come across as any sort of intimidating “hunter” of any kind. That getting knocked out every five seconds doesn’t help. The ultimate crime is that this is one of Mako’s last films. Not that he didn’t make a lot of crap, but it would have been better if Avatar: The Last Airbender was the end of the line.

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN
So I’m almost totally back to normal, resuming all my old habits, bad and good. I returned to the gym…and it still sucks. I hate working out and I hate it even more now that the pool is closed for a week and all I can do is lift weights. Aside from boredom, I have the fear of becoming one those short guys who go “wide” because they can’t go “up.” Not that I work out hard enough to make that even a remote possibility. I also bought a new pair of boots. I had to. As some sort of odd benefit of having a subscription, GQ sent me a $50 card for Kenneth Cole that had to be used within two weeks. I had no choice but to buy that pair of boots I saw a month ago. Unfortunately I had to do it alone now that my shopping companion, The Libertine, has left me for a job in South Carolina. I can’t remember the last time I had to buy shoes using just my own opinion. Granted, it’s almost always right, but it still helps to have someone there to validate it. This time I went brown because all my other boots are black. This decision was supported by all my sisters (the ones my parents gave me and the ones I made myself). Though I was somewhat insulted Surrogate Sister asked me if I had a brown belt to match them. What part of “GQ subscription” did she not understand!?!

HE SAID HE’D NEVER LEAVE IN AUTUMN. HE LIED.
So Porter Wagoner is gone along with Robert Goulet, reminding me that I don’t have the Camelot soundtrack on CD. It’s a dull movie, but the music is great. Also gone is Friedman Paul Erhardt, who was a chef and the inspiration for the Swedish Chef on The Muppet Show. Yeah, now you’re feeling the loss.