GOOD COMRADES

1. Resident Evil: Extinction Wknd/$ 24.0 Total/$ 24.0
2. Good Luck Chuck/Lions Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 14.0
3. The Brave One/Warner Wknd/$ 7.4 Total/$ 25.1
4. 3:10 To Yuma/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 6.4 Total/$ 37.9
5. Eastern Promises/Focus Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 6.5
6. Sidney White/Universal Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 5.3
7. Mr. Woodcock/New Line Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 15.7
8. Superbad/Sony Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 116.2
9. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 220.2
10. Dragon Wars/Free Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 8.4

THIS IS PLANET EARTH! BOP-BOP-BOP-BA-BOP-BOP-BA-BOP!
Opening at number one is Resident Evil: Extinction and I was lured into the first Resident Evil by the prospect of a hot girl kicking ass in a tight red dress with a slit up the hip---only to be disappointed (Michelle Rodriquez kicks ass only to die in the end). They got me into the second one, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, with the lure of second hot girl in short skirt kicking ass. Again, disappointment as the actions scenes just sucked. And while the ads for this with a post-apocalyptic Vegas were interesting, they don’t up the hot girl kicking ass quotient and remain with only two (with no short or slit skirts) and this was not enough to overcome the first two disappointments (not to mention Mila’s other movie as a butt-kicking hot girl, Ultraviolet) so I didn’t give up 90 minutes of my life for it. I never played the Resident Evil games, but it really doesn’t matter, because the movies aren’t allowed to be too much like the game for fear of cannibalizing the audience---which is the dumbest goddamn thing I’ve ever heard of. That’s like saying if porn is too much like real sex, people won’t want to have any. This was directed by Russell Mulcahy, the auteur behind The Shadow and Highlander II, but if you’re of a certain age you know him as the director of none other than The Buggles “Video Killed The Radio Star”; Billy Joel’s “Allentown”; Culture Club’s “The War Song” and a number of Duran Duran videos including “Hungry Like the Wolf” and the epic, “Wild Boys.” But why I will forgive him for everything is that he directed Spandau Ballet’s “True.”

SOME THINGS EVEN A GREAT ASS CANNOT SAVE
Good Luck Chuck opens at number two and if there’s nothing else good to be said about this movie it’s that Dane Cook’s hot second is just about over, as this was originally a vehicle for him, but because Jessica Alba is a bigger star than the trailers were retooled to be about him dating a clumsy girl, when it’s actually about a guy who is cursed to sleep with a woman then have her marry the very next guy. This is great because every woman wants him, but the curse part shows up when he meets Jessica Alba and wants to keep her so he can never have sex with her. Again, this is why we should kill the marketing people even before the lawyers. The plot of the movie is so much more interesting than “Hey, the cute girl is clumsy” which is one of the oldest jokes in the book for the casting of beautiful women in comedies. Not to mention, it stinks of Jessica Alba trying too hard. Waaaay too hard. So hard it’s reeks of desperation and isn’t the least bit funny---much like Dane Cook himself. This movie looks so bad even Jessica Alba in panties was unappealing.

BAGGER VANCE II: THE REVENGE
The Brave One is down to number three and lack of realism aside, at least they didn’t pussy out in the name of political correctness and have a bunch of white guys be the criminals who assault her in Central Park. As Chris Rock once joked, in New York we all know if it’s a stupid brutal, random crime in a public place, it’s gonna be minorities; if it’s twisted or involves a lot of money (or both), it’s white people. In this case, Jodie Foster is beaten by a bunch of Puerto Ricans and when approached on the train, it’s a couple of black guys. However, when it comes to the guy who keeps a hooker in a car for a week, burning her with cigarettes or the rich guy who beats his wife, shoots her in the head and makes it look like suicide and plans on killing his stepdaughter because she saw it, well, you know they’re white. Ironically, having minorities as random violent criminals is now not much more of a cliché than the kindly black African neighbor woman (because not everyone from Africa is black, kids), who not only patches Jodie Foster up when she’s hurt in a vigilante killing, but also washes her the blood on the stairwell, then dispenses sage wisdom about the nature of mankind. Given that her experience comes from the killing fields of Africa, it might have been more interesting if she’d totally supported the need for bloody revenge and not been just another heartfelt negro.

FROM RUSSIA WITH BLOOD
3:10 To Yuma is down to number four, followed by Eastern Promises entering the top ten at number five and if you’re hoping for a gritty, Russian version of the Godfather from director David Cronenberg and his star Viggo Mortensen, look elsewhere. Surprisingly, it just doesn’t get dark or morally compromising enough. Mortensen is the gangster with a heart of gold and you just know he’s not going to go the Michael Corleone route and descend into depravity. Oh, they don’t shy away from the violence. In the first five minutes you get a pretty graphic throat cutting, then that man’s corpse gets its fingers severed. Then there’s the fight in the steam room. Did I say “fight?” Oh, I meant “naked fight.” Well Viggo is naked anyway. He’s taking a steam when the brothers of the throat-cut guy show up for revenge. It’s bloody and violent and peppered with the occasional shot of Mortensen’s dick and balls. Ostensibly, this film is about Naomi Watts, as Englishwoman of Russian descent who is drawn into this world when a 14-year-old girl dies in labor, leaving behind only a diary explaining how she wound up in London as a prostitute. The film stumbles almost immediately when Watts’s Russian uncle initially refuses to translate the diary and she has to go to the restaurant run by the mobster for a translation. I’m sorry, he’s the only fucking Russian she can go to for this? Someone of Russian descent and she only knows one person who reads Russian!?! If I needed a Russian diary translated, I’d have to walk about five blocks to get it done. And when you learn Watts had a miscarriage is the fate of the baby girl really a mystery? A better film would have had her be the “Kay” to Mortensen’s “Michael” joining him in his descent into hell for the promise of being a mother, but this is not that film.

THE NEW DWARVES: DATE RAPEY, BINGE DRINKY…
Sydney White opens at number six and this is a retelling of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves with “Sydney” White as a sorority girl who is helped by seven geeky frat guys. I must admit I think the premise is pretty cute, but that ends at the casting of Amanda Bynes, who just annoys me. I know she’s got a solid fanbase---otherwise she wouldn’t keep getting these starring vehicles---but I doubt if she appeals to anyone older than herself. It’s not that she simply isn’t pretty (she really isn’t), but neither is she all that interesting as an actor. Once again the cliché about talented people being messed up (Lindsay Lohan) and not-so-talented people being as dull as hell (Amanda) is given weight. But it’s not all her fault also . It’s the “talent” she works with. It’s sad with this director in particular, as he’s the man behind the minor geek classic short film, George Lucas In Love, which was a take off on Shakespeare in Love. Obviously it got him noticed, but so far that short remains the best thing he’s done, as his other work includes American Pie Presents The Naked Mile and Sleepover. Oh, yeah. He’s a whore.

CRUSIN’
Mr. Woodcock is down to number seven and everyone is cruising in this. Billy Bob as the crusty bastard, Sean William Scott as the hapless lead, Ethan Suplee as the slob pal and Amy Pohler as the sardonic blonde. Everybody needed to pay a car note that month.

THE BOURNE RETIREMENT
Superbad is down to number eight, followed by The Bourne Ultimatum on its eighth week. They are going to throw so much money at Matt Damon to make a fourth it’s not even funny though he has already dismissed it, joking that another at this point would be called “The Bourne Redundancy.” But he did say the character might have something more to say after maybe a decade. Um, follow your first instinct and walk away proud. You got three decent movies out of this. Quit while you’re ahead. Keanu Reeves was not so lucky, only getting one-and-a-half out of The Matrix and Ben Affleck’s attempt to follow Harrison Ford as Jack Ryan was DOA. Let me put it this way: without overseas profits, Live Free or Die Hard would have failed, ‘cause in America the return of John McClane wasn’t the event they’d hoped.

BEFORE PUBERTY, GIANT MONSTERS AND ROBOTS ARE YOUR PORN
Finally Dragon Wars closes out the top ten and if they had combined this with Transformers it would have been the greatest movie any 8-year-old would ever see in his life.

UPPER EAST SIDE STORY
The new fall season has begun and one of the most anticipated is Gossip Girl, based on a series of books and brought to life by the creator of The OC. Now, I never bothered with The O.C. mainly because of that fucking title. Also, I can’t get with any show where the romantic lead couple simply isn’t that attractive (sorry, but Mischa Barton looks kinda like a duck). Finally, I could give a shit about the lives of teenagers, because it just doesn’t matter. All the shit that seems like the end of world will be meaningless by the time you go to college. I guess it has to do with how attached you are to your college years. If you loved them or longed for a do over, you like this shit. If you wouldn’t go back for all the tea in China your time is spent elsewhere. I was a geek so take a guess how I feel? In any case, I have a weakness for movies and TV shows shot in New York. I’ll give you a try is you go that extra mile and film here. However, I’ll leave if you get wrong after that (can you say the shadows and fog of CSI New York?). This is definitely NYC and that much I really did enjoy. I even like the cast of pretty people, beginning with Blake Lively, who looks like Gwyneth Paltrow 2.0 and as her mom, my perennial favorite, Kelly Rutherford (remember her from the failed 80’s soap, Generations?). In fact, I prefer the adult cast (especially the has been rock star from the 90’s), which shows that they learned from The OC’s being praised for having an interesting adult cast to go along with their youthful one. And apparently the decadence of underage bar drinking, drug using fornicating Upper East Side rich kids isn’t far from the truth. Still, it kinda leaves me cold. I’ll stay a bit for the eye candy (and the kicking soundtrack), but if anyone thinks I’m missing the Grey’s Anatomy’s spin-off, Private Practice (with Taye Diggs) for this, they’d better think again.

CAN WE EVEN CALL IT CROOKLYN ANYMORE?
Did you know Fort Greene was now white? No wonder Spike Lee didn’t feel like a hypocrite to leave it for the Upper East Side, there were no bruthas and sistas to leave. Let me put it this way: I wound up out there last week for sushi and sitting in the restaurant with her husband and baby was none other than Felicity herself, Keri Russell. It doesn’t get much whiter than that. She was very pretty, but also very thin even after a baby and this is giving her a slightly “gaunt” look as she gets older. She needed to be at the nearby rib place (which was my first choice). This also lets you know just how expensive Manhattan is when only A-list celebs can live here. And her husband is a contractor, so you know he’s got connections, but they still had to go to Brooklyn. And don’t give me any shit about how great Brooklyn is. Yes, it’s very nice, but no one comes here from East Buttfuck, Ohio to live in Brooklyn. You settle for Brooklyn when you see the insanity of Manhattan real estate, but it was never part of the dream. Should I have asked her if she talks to Britney or Justin or Christina anymore since their time in the Mickey Mouse Club together? Betcha they’ve all got places in the city.