DICK GALORE

1. 3:10 To Yuma/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 14.1 Total/$ 14.1
2. Halloween/MGM Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 44.2
3. Superbad/Sony Wknd/$ 8.5 Total/$ 103.7
4. Balls of Fury/Rogue Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 24.3
5. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 210.1
6. Shoot ‘Em Up/New Line Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 5.5
7. Rush Hour 3/New Line Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 129.2
8. Mr. Bean’s Holiday/Universal Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 25.1
9. The Nanny Diaries/MGM Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 21.0
10.Hairspray /New Line Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 114.9

THEY MISSED THE 2:30 TO LOGIC
3:10 To Yuma opens at number one and this is a remake of a movie based on a short story by non other than Elmore Leonard and I can’t help but think it was dumbed down something fierce, because a lot of illogical crap happens in this movie that has you scratching your head. Basically what saves this are the performances of Russell Crowe and Christian Bale. The meat of the movie is watching them bounce off one another and others, including Peter Fonda, whose resemblance to his dad lends this whole shebang an air of Western authenticity. Christian Bale is a poor rancher who agrees to help escort vicious outlaw Russell Crowe to the 3:10 To Yuma because he needs the money to save his family. In addition to this, he’s got a son who’s ashamed of him (and enamored of outlaws) and he lost a foot in the Civil War. Because this is a modern western, both men are “complex” which means that your good guy isn’t perfect and your bad guy has some “depth” to his evil. In this case, Russell Crowe was abandoned when he was 8 by his mother and likes to sketch. Like I said, what carries the movie are the performances, because logic is violated on a regular basis. While escorting Crowe everyone is told not to talk to him, but of course they all do because no one has ever heard of a gag. Then there’s a mind-blowing stupid scene where Crowe’s gang---who is obviously trying to stop him from going to prison---is in a perfect position for no less than five good guys to just kill them all in two seconds, but they don’t. Instead we just get more talking. Apparently, someone didn’t tell the director that, while character is very, very good, westerns aren’t about “talking heads”; they’re fast guns with hopefully talking heads on top of them.

BACK PEDALLING AWAY AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE
Halloween is down to number two and I may have to give Rob Zombie a teeny bit of respect back as he says he will not only not be a part of any kind of Halloween sequel, but will never to a remake again. If only he’d had this burst of integrity before this. And is Malcolm McDowell the Anthony Perkins of Science Fiction/Fantasy/Horror. Is there no check he won’t turn down?

DWEEB TRIUMPHANT
Superbad is down to number three and if you haven’t seen this yet, tough. I’m going to spoil something. In the true tradition of teen sex comedies, the geekiest guy gets to nail the slutty girl. Of course, he only gets as far as “It’s in” before the cops break in, but like football, all you have to do is break “the plane” and you’ve scored. But what’s missing is that we don’t get a “day after” with McLovin’ the way we do with the other two. Not only did he get some from the hot slut, but his buddies the cops give him a great exit by taking him away in the squad car like he’s a badass. None of this matters unless people in school talk about it. But hey, this is what DVD is for, right?

THE PROBLEM WITH METHOD
Balls of Fury is down to number four and also in this is Jason Scott Lee, best known for playing Bruce Lee in the film Dragon and either this is part of the joke or he can’t let go, because he’s doing a dead on Bruce Lee here. A funnier movie would have just had him do a Bruce Lee parody. Oh, wait a funnier movie did: Kentucky Fried Movie.

THE SEQUEL: BANG, BANG, BABY
The Bourne Ultimatum is down to number five with Shoot ‘Em Up opening at number six and does anyone remember The Dark Brothers? Well, there was some controversy a few years ago, because one of them directed a Britney Spears video as The Dark Brothers were two guys from Princeton who made porn in the 80’s, with made titles like Let Me Tell Ya About White Chicks, New Wave Hookers and Black Throat (two of which starred none other than Traci Lords) but because they had an intellectual bent they pretty much made satirical versions of porn. How do you satirize something already ridiculous? You take it extremely over the top, which in their case meant EXTREME CLOSE UPS to the point where you couldn’t even tell if it was human genitalia and scripts so ridiculous the bad acting actually helped to make it funnier. Of course most people didn’t get it, but they loved the over-the-top graphic nature and this type of extreme close up took over porn. Shoot ‘Em Up is a similar type satire of action movies. It mocks all the conventions by taking them extremely over the top, from Clive Owen being your typical ex- super soldier, to campy one-liners after a kill, to Monica Bellucci as the hooker with a soft spot for him, to even the “hero gets tortured scene” but in this case, all ten fingers get broken and he still has to conduct a shoot-out! That’s the kind of exaggeration I’m talking about. It still could have used another pass in terms of the script, but it’s not bad, especially when it starts playing with the 2nd Amendment. I’m not kidding. The raison d’etre of any action is always guns, but in this case it’s literal. It’s the best moment of the film and includes a gunfight in free fall from a jet. If the entire movie had that same level of wit, it might have been a minor classic.

THE OTHERS
Rush Hour 3 is down to number seven, followed by Mr. Bean’s Holiday and The Nanny Diaries at number nine.

SHE ACTUALLY CAN’T AFFORD TO GET WAXED
Finally, Hairspray closes out the top ten at number ten as it sets off to live forever at slumber parties. Right now Disney is renegotiating with the pretty boy here from High School Musical and this moderate success isn’t going to make it any easier. Apparently he escaped the contract that his beard---I mean his girlfriend didn’t, because she had to “leak” a nude photo of herself to hopefully have Disney get rid of her. It was overkill, because a topless shot would have done it, but I understand them both. High School Musical has made Disney a mint. You think they’re sharing it with them? Hell no. If she’s locked into something, not only will she be unable to maybe do movies like this, but be paid shit. Oh, and kudos to seeing a young woman who actually had some pubic hair. Could the tide finally be turning?

IF YOU MENTION CHEESE, THERE HAD BETTER BE SOME FUCKING CHEESE
Two years ago at the Tribeca Film Festival there was a movie called I Want Someone To Eat Cheese With. Obviously, I wanted to see, but it was either conflicting with something more important (the Superman documentary) or was sold out. Well, two years later it found a distributor and I got my ass up early on a Sunday to see it (needed the day free to watch football) and I won’t need to sue. First of all, IT’S NOT ABOUT CHEESE! They’re lucky I didn’t demand my money back! Yeah, there’s a self-hating middle-aged fat guy, but the similarities with my life end there. It’s Chicago, not New York and he’s fat because he eats crap like Ho-Ho’s, not cheese. And he lives with his mom, while I have a common law wife. He’s also an actor, played by Jeff Garlin, best known as the agent on Curb Your Enthusiasm and there’s some of that type of humor here which annoys me, because I don’t like that type of “make an ass of yourself” of humor (hell, there are some episodes of Seinfeld that I can’t watch because of a watered down version of Larry David in George, you think I can take the pure form?). It’s about a somewhat talented actor in Chicago who is pretty much ruining his own life with his self-loathing and self-destructive habits, such as looking down on certain types of work and, of course, poor eating habits. A particular bone of contention is a remake of Marty for which he’s not even allowed to audition, though he’s pretty much living the character’s life (this point is driven home time and time again). The cruelest, funniest cut is that Aaron Carter gets the role with Gina Gershon as his mother and we get to see scene from the movie (Aaron Carter screaming about his fatness to a cleavage heavy Gina Gershon). Still, because this is a movie when goes to an ice cream parlor Sarah Silverman is working there and, of course, she wants to bone him. I don’t like Sarah Silverman either because I don’t find her schtick of saying the most offensive thing she can think of all that funny and I loves me some profane and vulgar women (by the way, thanks for keeping that side of yourselves undercover when you met my parents in the hospital; you know who you are). This is no exception here and I think it’s because the movie was probably improvised a lot, as every single actor is someone you’ve seen before and no doubt a personal friend of Garlin’s. Silverman’s role is essential just playing the hot (relatively) girl. It’s a step up for her and a wise move career-wise, but because she was allowed to be too much herself, she blurts out some line about “doing a hoagie” which essentially tit-fucking (never knew it had a name and that’s a bad one anyway). Then there’s a joke about being a crack whore, which ultimately undermines Garlin’s kindness at giving her a semi-seduction scene where she tries on lingerie and she gets to say the film’s title (it’s refers all they really want in the search for love). Oddly, Chicago mainstay, Bonnie Hunt also comes off hot (relatively) in this movie, as the prevailing love interest. Whoever decided to give her Kyra Sedgwick’s hair from The Closer should be given a pay raise.

THEY’LL NEVER CALL IT OCTOPUSSY
One of the advantages of living with a woman is that you can watch things you probably couldn’t watch with a dude, like Tim Gunn’s Guide To Style aka, the show Queer Eye For the Straight Girl tried to be but failed (because those Bravo dipshits set it in fucking LA with a different cast and for some reason brought in a lesbian because we all know how fashion conscious they are). But isn’t a gay guy telling a woman how to dress like 99% of fashion in general? It could also be “More Stylish Minorities Show Your Tight Asses How To Dress” because it’s not just a gay man, but also a black woman, in this case former model (I refuse to call her a supermodel, because she was never on the level of Cindy & Co.) Veronica Webb, best known for boning both Spike Lee and Robert DeNiro---and still failing in Hollywood! She was also a bad writer because some guy smartly realized, “Maybe if I tell her she’s got writing talent, she’ll fuck me.” Thank god that ended with her modeling career. The first thing they did right was getting someone not living in NYC. Yes, there are many people who dress horribly here, but still there’s an uncommon number of people who looked like they walked out of a fucking magazine without even trying, so it’s just not fair. But other than that, it’s the same as any other make over show, just this time it’s Tim Gunn, who, honestly carries more weight in his pinky than all the other shows combined (Chairman of the Fashion Department at Parsons and now working at Liz Claiborne as its Chief Creative Officer). Tim and Veronica show up, make bitchy comments about people shorter and less fabulous than they are, give them free shit form places they could never otherwise afford, the attention of people they’d never otherwise have access to and a few bon mots of how to dress as well as some saucer deep psycho-analysis and voila: another successful makeover. Yeah, they made her look better, but unfortunately she then looked ten years older. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if dressing like shit made you look ten years younger then the Jacquelyn Smith collection at K-Mart would drive Armani out of business. Now, I’m late the table on this, but I love Tim Gunn. I never watched Project Runway, because I could give a shit, but now I see why he was the star and eventual got his own show. And he and Veronica Webb look good together as girlfriends, all tall, lean and chic. They look like they should be on a poster for a very gay James Bond movie.

ONE STEP FORWARD…LITERALLY
So, I’m finally walking normal to the point where slow people are pissing me off again. Needless to say, this is when my doctor called to arrange my next angiogram to re-puncture my leg so we can start the recovery all over again. Yay. But if you’re looking for visible signs of my recent experience look no further than my head. This is the first full head of hair I’ve grown since the experience and there’s twice as much grey as there ever was. But it’s not like neat on the sides like Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four, just a million strands throughout my head. Well, if I’m like my mother’s father, at least I’ll get to keep it all pretty much for the rest of my life. But I can make this work for me. Maybe I can start getting some old folks discounts now.

IT’S WHY BRETT RATNER MAY LIVE FOREVER
We haven’t done the death roll for a while now but when Luciano Pavarotti goes down, we have to. That makes two out of the major music “they go in threes” rule as the first was legendary jazz drummer, Max Roach and the keyboardist for Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians is definitely not the third. Remember them? They ended when she married twice-her-age, Paul Simon and started cranking out his kids. She still makes music, but kinda in the way Bruce Springsteen’s wife still makes music. But their band continues with a new lead singer and given how pissed they were the record company decided to put her out front, they may not have missed her all that much. Anyway, this moron died because he was drunk and kicking on his neighbor’s door. Not good in a southern or western state where people have guns. Almost joining the list were Hulk Hogan’s ugly and stupid son, Nick, who was racing on the streets (after getting away with it twice before) and Owen Wilson, which you already know about. Who knew? All those times we just thought he was just Texas-laid back and stoned, he might have been depressed and on heroin. Now, I’m not a fan of the guy, but I don’t want him dead and unfortunately, I understand depression far too well---but there’s a shitload of difference between being depressed alone in a 1BR in New York City and being depressed with your face in Kate Hudson’s sweet buttcheeks in a Malibu beach house. Get your shit together, douchebag! You can get legal drugs while you’re in therapy. And some people are sending others in their place, as John Singleton accidentally killed a jaywalker. Then again, Death tends to want talented people and that ain’t him.

SCHILL ME!
So I love, love, love that Razor commercial with the hot couple fighting in the subway. She looks like a grown up Sofia Bush, the hot, little scratchy-voiced brunette from One Tree Hill whom apparently everyone loves from Nickelodeon kids to the people at Fashion Week. I get the kids and I’m a dirty old man, but why do those fashionista bitches like her? But what puts the icing on the cake of the spot is the use of Shiny Toy Guns, “Le Disko.” Good music, pretty people, some martial arts…the only thing that could make it better would be if they started eating cheese. Or fucking. Whatever your thing.

OH, THIS IS WHY THEY DO IT
So, I’m still without online access and hauling my precious baby out into the world, but research shows there are free hotspots out there----if you live in fucking Williamsburg. Okay, they’re in the city too, but nowhere near me because there are no colleges near me. The Apple stores have free bandwidth, so I’d take her to the movies with me and afterwards walk to the store and while I still despise having to go there and to Starbucks I’ve a new understanding of just why so many people do it: eye candy. See you may not know this, but there are some damned good looking people in NYC and they buy coffee and iPods. And while there was no eye candy at the midtown Apple store, the one in SoHo will kill you. Then there was the hot girl studying for the LSATs directly in my line of site at one of the many Starbucks. But none of this makes up for me having to wear pants.