LITTLE RED MOUNTAIN BIKE/WHOO HOO HOO

1. The Proposal/Touchstone Wknd/$ 34.1 Total/$ 34.1

2. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 26.9 Total/$ 152.9

3. Up/Disney Wknd/$ 21.3 Total/$ 224.1

4. Year One/Sony Wknd/$ 20.2 Total/$ 20.2

5. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3/Sony Wknd/$ 11.3 Total/$ 43.3

6. Night At The Museum 2/Fox Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 156.0

7. Star Trek/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 239.4

8. Land of the Lost/Universal Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 43.7

9. Imagine That/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 11.4

10.Terminator: Salvation/WB Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 119.5

A SERIOUSLY MODEST PROPOSAL

The Proposal opens at number one and this story of an iron-fisted boss who blackmails her assistant into marrying her so she can stay in the country is pretty much a Lifetime/Oxygen movie that escaped into the theaters. Seriously, haven’t you seen this before starring someone like Teri Polo? Or 15 years ago with Markie Post? And you can tell it’s dated because the high-powered industry where Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds work is publishing. Yeah, publishing. Hell, was this even viable a year ago? This stinks of sitting in a drawer because quite frankly, without stars it’s just not that interesting. Unless, you’re at home drinking alone on a Saturday watching a Lifetime marathon. Not that I’ve ever found myself doing that. The saving grace of this is that Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds have built careers on being so engaging and charming that they elevate pieces of mediocrity like this. You just wish they had something better to work with, because the extended gag that has them winding up naked together is so contrived and unfunny, it took a truly bankrupt imagination to conceive it. And there’s not one but two jokes based solely “the white girl likes hip hop” which serve to forever tarnish Rob Bass and DJ EZ Rock’s classic “It Takes Two.” Don’t care so much about them using Lil’ Jon’s “Get Low.”

BECAUSE THERE MUST ALWAYS BE A FUNNY FAT MAN

The Hangover drops down to number two and Zack Galifianakis is another one who’s been hovering around the periphery of actual fame and success for awhile now (can you say Corky Romano?) and this is actually his second film that centers on a blackout drunk night in Las Vegas and a wedding. The first was What Happens In Vegas (of course that catchphrase appears here) and did he ever make a step up in quality. He’s fulfilling the Jack Black role now that people are laboring under the delusion that someone wants to look at a goofy fat bastard in a leading role.

THEY’D HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF REMAKING CAVEMAN

Up is down to number three, followed by Year One opening at number four, showing the limited appeal of a goofy fat bastard in a leading role. Yes, this stars Jack Black and Michael Cera and just what is this proud history of comedies about biblical history that made them think this was a good idea? Even Mel Brooks knew enough to make one Bible joke in his movie then get the hell out. And you’d think Wholly Moses would have been enough to put the nail in the coffin of this forever. If Richard Pryor can’t save your Biblical comedy then nothing can. Only one movie ever made this work and the response of the church condemning it as sacrilege was proof of how funny it was: Monty Python’s The Life of Brian. Because let’s face it: you can’t have a Biblical comedy unless you’re willing to make fun of The Bible (“Gee, what’s up with Lot and his daughters?”) and there’s going to be blowback over that. Blowback these guys obviously weren’t willing to risk. Not from studios still trying to figure out how to get some of that Passion of Christ money.

THE NEW YORK GROOVE

The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 is down to number five and I measure films about New York according how “real” they get. Does it look dirty? Is it too well lit? Is there a mysteriously dearth of minorities or ethnicity? Do people drop the “f bomb” like it’s going out of style? Are they cynical with a limited appetite for bullshit? This does look dirty, it’s not overly well lit, your stars all answers your question about ethnicity (Black, Italian, Puerto Rican); the R-rating makes sure the New York love of the word “fuck” is authentically represented and when a guy on the train calls the mayor a “douchebag” to his face, you know we’re keeping it real. NYC, bitchez! Represent!

MAY THE LOGIC BE WITH YOU

Night At The Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian is down to number six, followed by Star Trek at number seven and if you think I was exaggerating that this movie was for people who wished Star Trek was more like Star Wars, know that R2D2 makes an appearance if you keep your eyes sharp. Well, that and this is about a farm boy who goes to the stars to fight the man who killed his father who has a giant planet-killing spaceship and the girl the farm boy wants winds up in the arms of a guy he doesn’t like at first, but later becomes his best buddy.

PRETTY, BLACK, NICE RACK, SHORT HAIR. NO THE OTHER ONE.

Land of the Lost is down to number eight followed by Imagine That at number nine and also in this is Nicole Ari Parker, best known to you as Becky Barnett, the Black girl from Boogie Nights. Yeah, I’m sure she thought her career was headed up after that too, but as we know Hollywood can only handle one minority actress at a time and Halle Berry has had the Black category on lockdown for well over a decade now, ever since she showed Angela Basset what little talent had to do, had to do with it.

HE MAY NOT BE BACK

Finally, Terminator Salvation is closing out the top ten at number ten and apparently this is doing gangbusters overseas ($165M there as opposed to $120 here), but before the bean counters at Sony get happy, remember how well The Golden Compass did overseas too. It’s just that when your film costs $200M it’s gonna take some serious DVD sales to put you into the black and as a geek, I won’t be buying this.

ONE EXCEPTION: ALL PIXAR PRODUCTS NEW

So I stopped buying new DVDs last year because I told myself I’d be getting a new HDTV and subsequent BluRay DVD player, so why buy stuff I was only going to replace anyway? Well, given how tight money is, it’s unlikely any of that will be happening soon and coupled with my recent cancellation of premium cable changes I started picking stuff up again. It started with Smallville, then Will & Grace. All bought off eBay at tremendous discounts and used (though I did get one season of Will & Grace brand spanking new that way). I was actually looking for gifts for Chasing Amy and her new HDTV (not that I’m jealous or anything…bitch) when I stumbled upon Best Buy’s ridiculous DVD sales. $4? Shit, that’s the cost of a rental. So I finally picked up “dumb fun” movies like The Fifth Element and Starship Troopers. Yeah, I know they’re on TNT every other day, but you cannot watch Starship Troopers edited and The Fifth Element needs to be letterboxed (not to mention Mila Jovovich’s important nudity). I also replaced my copy of The Replacement Killers with the Director’s Cut, which explained little things…like the characters. Blockbuster is also a good place because their enormous rental inventory means used copies are on sale quickly and since even now Iron Man is still $20, I picked up it and Underworld 3 in their “2 for $20” sale. Yeah, there’s not a lot of art entering my house these days, but I can’t remember the last arty fartsy film that I saw anyway. Times are tough and we just need to see shit blow up real good to help us make it through.

YET ANOTHER STORY OF A ME AND THAT THING BETWEEN MY LEGS THAT I LOVE TO PLAY WITH

I’ve stared riding my bike every day now for two reasons: 1) given all the rain, you don’t know when the next sunny day is coming, so you’d better grab every one like it’s the last, ‘cause it just may be, and 2) I’m a fat fuck and unless I want to die when I go back to kung-fu next month, I’d better try and get back into some kind of shape. Unfortunately, I may have screwed this up when I decided to replace the brakes and the shift cable and while riding one of the front brakes dropped off entirely. It’s funny in retrospect. Luckily, I did the back brakes a little better and they’ve been carrying me through (though as my bike advisor has told me, physics makes the front bakes the more important). But I had to do it. The bike is over ten years old and two days after I bought the new shift cable, the old cable gave way, trapping me in one gear. Also, if I don’t do it myself, I’ll never learn and have to pay someone every time some little thing goes wrong. Oh, and did we forget that “money is tight” thing? I’m not paying someone $40 for labor on top of $40 for parts. The friggin’ bike only cost me $40 a year ago! But I’m not the only one who’s done this. I’ve found other people who’ve bought this same bike and love it insanely as a great first bike. They even post pictures of it online. But I’ll never do that. I love my bike too, but that’s right up there with taking pictures of your cat. Though there is nothing nobler than taking pictures of your action figure collection.