TITANTIC. NOT.

1. Clash of the Titans/Warner Wknd/$ 61.4 Total/$ 61.4

2. Why Did I Get Married Too/Lions Wknd/$ 30.2 Total?$ 30.2

3. How To Train Your Dragon/Para Wknd/$ 29.2 Total/$ 92.3

4. The Last Song/Touchstone Wknd/$ 16.2 Total/$ 16.2

5. Alice in Wonderland/Touchstone Wknd/$ 8.3 Total/$ 309.8

6. Hot Tub Time Machine/MGM Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 27.8

7. The Bounty Hunter/Sony Wknd/$ 6.2 Total/$ 49.0

8. Diary of a Wimpy Kid/Fox Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 35.8

9. She’s Out of My League/Paramount Wknd/$ 1.5 Total/$ 28.6

10. Shutter Island/Paramount Wknd/$ 1.5 Total/$ 123.4

IT AIN’T A HISTORY LESSON. IT’S A GIANT MONSTER MOVIE.

Clash of the Titans opens in the number one slot and I declined to pay more money for the scam that is 3D this time around. And it is a scam. If it were really a 3-D movie the part where they fight the scorpion would have led it seeming like a scorpion tail was coming right at you. There isn’t. There also isn’t a whole lot of sense in this either as the story of Perseus, Andromeda, Medusa and Pegasus has been turned into a near incomprehensible story of rebelling against the gods. But who cares, right? We’re here to see special effects and monster fighting and you do get that, but even that’s dumb in the context of the story. It seems man has turned against the gods, which makes sense if you know anything about how the Greek Gods really were. Lot of raping and cursing of man was going on. Not really a lot to pray for. Hades then appears in Olympus saying that Zeus just needs to let him torment man to get them to pray again. This clearly beats being nice to god who loves to rape women, so Zeus agrees and Hades goes after the main hub of rebellion, Argos and says he’s going to send the Kraken to destroy the place unless they sacrifice the princess Andromeda to it. Now, if you know the actual myth Andromeda was there because her mother said she was more beautiful than the goddesses of the sea and an offended Poseidon was sending a generic sea monster (Kraken is a Nordic myth) after them unless they sacrificed Andromeda to teach her a lesson. Perseus learns this while on another separate adventure. You know, the one involving Medusa? Yeah, it was never one linear story, but two stories that crossed, so while I understand the difficulty in making it into one, it was done better than this previously. First of all is the clumsy way they even put Perseus into this. They have the fisherman finding him and his mother in a box like in myth, but now she’s dead and the fisherman has a wife and later another child---who are killed almost immediately by Hades. So basically, their purpose is solely to give Perseus a chip on his shoulder regarding the gods, so later when he’s given gifts by Zeus on his quest to save the city, like an idiot, he rejects them. We’re supposed to think this is him standing up for man, but what it’s really standing up for being a total moron. The movie even points out that by refusing the gifts, he’s only getting the soldier who helping him killed. And we reach rock bottom stupidity when he does finally use the gifts to save the day, so all those guys died for a principle he abandoned when it became too difficult. Nice going, hero. Of course you might wonder that since that the gods are actually the reason behind all this, especially Zeus, why is Zeus sealing his doom by helping his son? It makes no sense. And the other gods don’t help as they do in myth, so their appearance here is pretty much wordless, so no Hera going after him this time either. And while the original felt compelled to do Cellini’s famous statue of Perseus with the head of Medusa, this one, not so much. On the upside, know what else is gone? That damned owl, created solely to put an R2D2 into Greek myth. He does make an “in-joke” appearance, however. Unfortunately, it was not to be smashed into a million bits like I’ve been wanting since I was 15-years-old.

WHY DO THEY KEEP MAKING THIS CRAP?

Why Did I Get Married Too opens at number two. Get it? Phonetically it’s a sequel title. Culturally and artistically it’s another cinematic tombstone courtesy of Tyler Perry. And once again I take great pleasure in pointing out that A-list Black actors are never in this shit. It’s people lucky to have a job and yes, that means you, Janet Jackson. But history sadly proves that Black people are willing to watch themselves in damn near anything, so long as it’s not too smart or too good.

THE FIRST “NO EXCUSES” ANIMATED CASTING EVER

How To Train Your Dragon is down to number three and aside from Gerard Butler and Colin Ferguson being the highlights of this as Scottish Vikings and a…“contribution” from Jay Baruchel as the lead (what can I tell you, he’d kind of annoying), also voicing in this are America Ferrara as the Viking love interest Astrid (yes, she’s voicing a skinny, Nordic blonde; your social observations here____) and Kristin Wiig and other Apatow alumnus Jonah Hill and Christopher Mintz-Plasse as Viking kids. This is unique as no one really “needed” this for a failing career. Everyone is either decently successful or on the rise. Next they’ll be doing horror films with established stars.

SMART, SCHMART. SHOW ME YOUR ABS.

The Last Song opens at number four and this is a union made clearly in hell: Miley Cyrus and Nicholas Sparks, who ascended to new heights of douchebaggery when he compared himself to Shakespeare, Hemmingway and Sophocles. Yes, the most talentless, formulaic fucker in history compared himself to the greatest writers ever merely because they share a common medium. This is like fucking Michael Bay comparing himself to Alfred Hitchcock they’re technically both directors. This is reason alone for you to wish for this film’s quick and immediate demise and not just because it’s essentially the female version of She’s Out of My League. But I’m not trying to be cruel when I say that. In fact I applaud Miley Cyrus and Sarah Jessica Parker for doing what men who are far from models have been doing for decades. Even better, Miley Cyrus is now dating him. Seriously, I respect her like a muthafucka for her history of dating much, much prettier than herself and not settling for this “oh, he’s smart and funny” bullshit.

PLUS, IT WOULD HAVE MEANT MORE BREASTS ONSCREEN

Alice in Wonderland is down to number five, followed by Hot Tub Time Machine at number six and in a better movie John Cusack’s love interest would have been there because she’d gone back in time herself. In fact, given John Cusack’s sister is the same mess now for the same reason he is and was there for the weekend that defined their lives, it seems hot she wasn’t a part of the trip back. But then she’s a girl and we know they’re icky. Unless they look like the girl who does the nude scene in the hot tub, Jessica Pare, whose career will forever be limited by being tall, thin, pretty and having enormous real breasts. Poor thing.

ITS PORN TITLE IS PRETTY OBVIOUS: THE BOOTY HUNTER

The Bounty Hunter is down to number seven and why does Gerard Butler touch Jennifer Anniston’s ass? Because he can, goddamnit! This is not rocket science and it’s pretty nice for a white girl. Not Jessica Biel nice, but a thousand times better than Angelina Jolie’s utter lack of one.

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME

Diary of a Wimpy Kid is down to number eight, followed by She’s Out of My League at number nine and seriously, this “just pretty” blonde with her giant teeth is the best they could find in Hollywood to play the dream girl? Hell, the girl in Hot Tub Time Machine is ten times better. Like I said, they didn’t have the courage of their convictions. They didn’t get anyone Seth Rogen ugly and put him with someone Megan Fox pretty.

THE END

Finally, Shutter Island closes out the top ten at number ten.

THINGS I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT BUT SADLY DO.

Now that it’s common knowledge I should let you know that for people who know a little about porn, Jesse James’ little Nazi and tattoo fetish was common knowledge. His ex-wife was porn star Janine who was gorgeous and pretty much tattoo-free before him and now looks like a fucking Japanese gangster and is apparently married to yet another racist. A racist who probably doesn’t appreciate that after her divorce from Jesse James the first thing Janine started doing was Black guys. Two at a time. With names like “Mandingo.” Clearly to get back at him for something. And yes, it seems to be the same syndrome Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton suffer from---banging hamburger when you’ve got steak at home---I’m thinking it’s a little different going from a porn star to a normal person, because that thing that your porn star wife wouldn’t blink at doing is “Not in a million fucking years” in the world of Sandra Bullock. And she’s damn sure not bringing girls home from work. But there is also the ego thing. He’s nothing in the universe of Sandra Bullock, while in the world of being a cable TV star married to Sandra Bullock, he’s a big star.

YOU DON’T WANT TO PISS OFF A WOMAN WHO’S DONE DOUBLE ANAL

Speaking of Tiger Woods, how much does his skankiest porn star ex (the others aren’t milking it every day and one is actually pretty) hate him? She’s going to Georgia to strip the same week he’s there for the Masters. Dude, write her a check or get down on your knees and apologize, because in her mind you’ve clearly done something she’s not letting go of. And how great is that Vanity Fair article where you find out he used to refer to himself in the third person as “Ti?” And how none of this bullshit actually started until he actually started hanging around Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan, who had his own history of banging porn stars while he was married!?! It’s actually kind of damning to think until he started hanging around with Black guys, he didn’t start cheating on his wife. Yeah, now that you’re a cheating scumbag you’re a brutha. Thanks for that. But in Jordan’s case it’s more “not until he started hanging around another great athlete, but total dickweed” did he start. I can see that conversation:

MJ: Yo, Tiger. We’re going to take these porn stars up to the room and bang them two at a time. You down?

TW: Um, I’m married, Mike.

MJ: So!?! She knows what time it is! She knew you were greatest golfer in the world when she signed up! That’s like marrying a rock star. Nobody expects Mick Jagger not to get his fun elsewhere. When you’re the best you have privileges.

TW: Then why’s Barkley doing it?

MJ: Oh, he just likes him some pussy. But you and me, we’re different. We’re entitled. That’s why we don’t have to tip either.

TODAY IN “WELL, DUH!”

Ricky Martin is gay. This is news to whom, exactly? And notice how this news comes not when he’s on top and has everything to lose, but is now probably secure enough to know he could never need work again for the rest of his life. Hell, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to find out he and his accountant worked out a number that, once hit, he could come out. But I will say this: at least he didn’t parade around with some starlet pretending she was his girlfriend or worse, marrying someone.

GIRL, I HEARD EVERYBODY’S DYING, HEARD EVERYBODY’S DYING…

Death continues to claim classic TV taking John Forsythe, best known as a) the voice of Charlie of Charlie’s Angels TV and movies and b) Blake Carrington of Dynasty, second only to Luke Spencer as TV’s best known rapist that was glossed over. Also gone is none other than Johnny Maestro of The Brooklyn Bridge who had one of the greatest hambone songs of the rock era.