TWO WORDS: BACON. SMOOTHIE.

1. How To Train Your Dragon/Para Wknd/$ 20.0 Total/$ 158.6

2. Kick Ass/LGF Wknd/$ 19.8 Total/$ 19.8

3. Date Night/Fox Wknd/$ 17.3 Total/$ 49.2

4. Death At A Funeral/ Wknd/$ 17.0 Total/$ 17.0

5. Clash of the Titans/Warner Wknd/$ 15.8 Total/$ 133.0

6. The Last Song/Touchstone Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 50.0

7. Why Did I Get Married Too/Lions Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 54.9

8. Hot Tub Time Machine/MGM Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 42.5

9. Alice in Wonderland/Touchstone Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 324.0

10. The Bounty Hunter/Sony Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 60.4

I STILL SAY THE TITLE IS DIRTY

How To Train Your Dragon actually rises to the number one slot, which is pretty freaking amazing. I mean, I liked this movie and it still surprises me, but then again nothing opened for the kids this week and you have to get them the fuck out of house and get yourself at least 90 minutes of peace until it’s over. And this needed it because while it has grossed $321 worldwide, it cost $165M to make, so at the very least it needs to double budget to be a minor theatrical success. Remember the rule kids: it’s not in the black until 3x budget.

ONE DAY, ALL TOP TEN MOVIES WILL BE FROM COMIC BOOKS

Kick Ass opens at number two and do you really need to be told this is a satire of superhero comic books? Given how people are viewing this as controversial I feel the need to sit them down and speak them in a calm deliberate tone: “Do you not get that Nicolas Cage in a Batman-like outfit teaching his daughter to kill people is making fun of Batman taking Robin out to beat the shit out of criminals? That, after smiling at Robin and other kid sidekicks beating the crap out of grown men for 70 years, it in fact is quite a sick idea and this movie is exaggerating it to make that clear? Do you also get that Jonathan Swift was not actually advocating eating babies?” Seriously people, this is all about the sheer stupidity of having no powers and even thinking you can accomplish anything, because the point is that Kick Ass himself does little more than generate media hype. He pretty much just gets the shit beaten out of him constantly. I never read the comic because I’m not the biggest fan of the writer, Mark Millar, who was most accurately described as “someone who writes stuff that a 15-year-old boy thinks is cool.” And what 15-year-old boys like is ultra-violence, which is a hallmark of Millar’s work. Let me put it this way: he wrote the comic that Wanted was based upon, and the comic was actually about how great it would be to be a supervillain who could rape and kill at will. It was cleaned up considerably for the movie. Fortunately, in this case one of those things a 15-year-old boy would like is a foul-mouthed 11-year-old girl assassin. Hit Girl saves this film, because ninety minutes of the sad sack irony of Kick Ass himself would have been a bit much. And the further irony is that while Kick Ass fails, because realistically no one with no superpowers and no training is going to become a superhero, Big Daddy and Hit Girl are quite effective, accomplishing feats that are borderline superhuman. I do know enough about the book to know they’ve done the same “clean up” here that they did for Wanted. They had to. The inhabitants of Mark Millar’s universe are usually quite disturbed and this is no exception. In the book, Big Daddy is just a nutcase who brought his daughter into his insane world of killing criminals. In the film, he’s a good cop who is a victim of those criminals first and basically driven insane. And if you’re still not getting he’s satire of Batman, that Nicholas Cage does an Adam West impression whenever he’s in costume is quite the fucking clue.

FEEL THE VIBRATIONS

Date Night is down to number three and also in this is Mark Walberg essentially playing Mark Walberg and surprising willing to mock his own shirtless beginnings as Marky Mark----are you ready for it---21 years ago! Yeah, you’re old. Then again, they probably didn’t tell him it was a joke so he’d play it straight, given his sense of humor isn’t that great. It’s just a few degrees above Sean Penn’s, which is to say he has one at all. And I was more than delighted to see he gotten soft just like all of us. That chiseled torso of his 20’s is looooong gone. So there!

DENZEL WASHINGTON IN THE SEVENTH SEAL

Death at A Funeral opens at number four and I’ve had it with Chris Rock thinking “Hey, this would be great if we replaced it with Black people.” He saw Heaven Can Wait (which itself was a remake of Here Comes Mr. Jordan) and thought, “He’d this would be great if we replaced it with Black people.” He saw I Love My Wife and thought “Hey, this would be great if we replaced it with Black people.” He then saw Death at a Funeral and thought, “Hey, this would be great if we replaced it with Black people.” Please don’t let him see Au Revoir Les Enfant. Not to mention Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence and Tracey Morgan are hardly a comedy trifecta that needs to be seen. Give me David Chappelle, Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy and I might give you my dollar. Hell, just take Martin Lawrence out and you might have had me here. But honestly, I didn’t have any interest in seeing the English original, so I have no interest in an American remake. It just seemed like someone decided “What if Four Weddings & A Funeral was one wacky funeral?” Um, no.

THE OTHERS

Clash of the Titans is down to number five, followed by The Last Song at number six and Why Did I Get Married Too at number seven.

SWEEP THE LEG!

Hot Tub Time Machine is down to number eight and also in this is the ultimate 80’s villain, William Zabka, aka, “Johnny From The Karate Kid.” He was also the douche in Back To School and the very underrated Just One of The Guys, which I almost hope is remade given it’s about a girl who disguises herself as a boy when she feels her teacher overlooks her writing work based on gender. First of all, a kid today would opt for a lawsuit and he’d probably be fired immediately. Not to mention, the “girl/boy” would probably instantly be seen as gay and adopted by the new school’s gay populace. And the guy she became friends with would also probably see her as gay and not so much a buddy and his attraction to her/him would confuse him. Then, just to make things more interesting her actual boyfriend would probably hit on her as a guy, while her female best friend would suddenly become more interested in with her new totally butch look. And ultimately when it all came out, she’d wind up on Oprah. On second thought, leave it the hell alone.

AS IF DISNEY NEEDED ANY MORE FUCKING MONEY

Alice in Wonderland is down to number nine and this has made $828M worldwide from a $200M budget. What. The. Fuck. How to Train Your Dragon was better. But that doesn’t have a hundred year literary history made for CGI to depict the insane creations of Lewis Carroll, much less an annoying hipster fanbase. But the end effect is Tim Burton’s career of style over substance isn’t stopping anytime soon.

THE END

Finally The Bounty Hunter closes out the top ten at number ten.

GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS

Though I’m not a part of the Jezebel online community the way I was before being kicked off for calling Michael Jackson a child-rapist when he died, the ties I have are binding and tend to drag me not only out of my house but my borough. Even the guest commentator of last week is a Jezebel. It was a twofer this week starting with a book signing by Anna Fields, aka, Rebel Debutante, for her book Confessions of a Rebel Debutante about her life rebelling against her southern upbringing in boarding school to her time as Diana Ross’ personal assistant. Anna was a Jezebel who befriended a mutual Jezebel who just happened to be in publishing and pushed her to put her Rebel Debutante into a book---which, of course, she was in charge of, so of course she was there for the reading at the Barnes & Noble at Lincoln Center. I didn’t know this initially, but once I did I had no choice but to buy the book and support the team (plus, I’m a little afraid of Publishing Jezebel). And it’s always odd meeting in person someone you’ve known for years online. The anonymity of the internet has allowed you reveal the most personal things, but once you’re face-to-face you realize you’re actually strangers. It’s like thinking you know a celebrity because you read their autobiography. I’d see Publisher Jezebel again that week for a birthday party for yet another Jezebel with whom she writes a blog called Pursuit of Harpyness. Unfortunately, to attend that birthday party I’d have to miss the birthday party of still another Jezebel in still another part of Brooklyn. But that was okay since I’d seen her two weeks ago when still another Jezebel was in town from Chicago and we met at a bar where I actually watched the NCAA Championship Game. Yes, I’m aware of the irony of being a straight dude who only watched a sporting event because of a bunch of women. Come into the 21^st century, you knuckle draggers. My other reason for attending this birthday party is because the boyfriend of the birthday girl has been trying to become my buddy for a while now and I’ve been inadvertently blowing him off. Well maybe not inadvertently, but I’m pretty devoted to my life as a recluse and god forbid your plans interfere with my “after-work-nap.” Now, this is Jezebel B whose parties are not quite the raucous affairs of Jezebel A and I attribute that to the lack of homosexuality. Sorry, but while gay men have the party reputations, the lesbians do their own fair share of blowing the roof off the mutha. I took my guest commentator with me because I do think she’s an excellent writer (stop being younger and more talented than me, bitch) and I wanted her to reconnect with Publisher Jezebel and hopefully motivate her and it worked to a small extent as they talked about the pros and cons of grad schools and MFAs. The highlight of the evening however was another partygoer discussing how her friend had made out with Jonah Hill at one point. Needless to say, we all recoiled in horror, but it got worse as he then blew the girl off only to be upset she blogged about it then tried to push up on her on the dance floor weeks later, sticking his hand between her legs. Seriously? Dude, unless you were in Twilight or starring on Gossip Girl there’s no way you’re pulling that off. Ugly dudes cannot be that forward. The only downside to the night is that we were promised some Guitar Hero and it didn’t happen. See, this is why I don’t like going to Brooklyn. It’s a land of broken promises.

IS IT SAFE?

My life has become one of hell. About two weeks ago, two of my teeth started hurting. Okay, that’s a lie. A few months ago, four of my teeth started hurting, but two weeks ago, two of them became unbearable. Nothing too cold or hot could touch them. I tried to make a dentist appointment and was told two weeks. I then asked for suggestions and Surrogate Sister had one that could see me in a week. Unfortunately I found out that my insurance had actually assigned me a dentist, so I had to go to him. I’d chosen the previous dentist because his proximity to me, but fortunately my assigned dentist was literally two blocks away, so it was no problem. It’s on Central Park South near Sixth Avenue, so it’s totally walkable for me and that’s a good thing too, because after the costs of it, I’m going to need to save on bus fare. A quick exam told me things I’d been told by my last dentist 6 years ago: all the crap work done by my crap dentist in the past would have to be redone. How crappy was he? His other patients sued him and he no longer practices. But for now we’d start with one of the problem crowns. It would be replaced. Then he said what no one wants to hear from their doctor or dentist while looking at x-rays: “Whoa!” It seems that right behind the bad crown was a massive cavity, so it was going to be twice as much blood and drilling. Also, unlike the 100% my last dental plan paid, this was only going to be 75%, which is quite a chunk when your average crown is about $1200-1300. And it was “pay to play” so there was no putting it off. The only good thing is my ailments in recent years have totally increased my pain threshold. Needles into your gum are nothing compared to blood running down your spinal cord or a massive hemorrhoid. Hell, even my current groin pull hurts more. So the payment was the most painful thing about it all. But I saved money immediately being unable to eat. Half my mouth is off limits thanks to the temporary crown and what I can eat can be neither crunchy, nor chewy. For a man whose daily intake includes crunchy bacon and cold orange juice each and every morning and chewy stress-relieving Resin candies all day at work, it’s like being told not to breathe. So now eating, which was my favorite physical pleasure, has been taken from me. Publishing Jezebel joked “At least it’s not your dick” and I had to remind her I use my mouth for pleasure more than my dick. Now, I eat only when I’m hungry since it’s too annoying otherwise. Even with soft foods, I have to take small bites so it stays on one side of my mouth and chew slowly and thoroughly so when it inevitably slips over I don’t cry from the pain. Oh, and it’s smoothie heaven in my house now. And yes, I made a bacon smoothie because I cannot, will not be denied! It was okay. I’ve decided instead to just suck up the pain and eat my goddamn bacon the way god intended.

BECAUSE I’M NOT DYING FAST ENOUGH

Luckily, the Double Down premiered the day before my dentist appointment so my last gift to my mouth was two slices of cheese, two strips of bacon and a sauce between two fried chicken fillets. I was pretty sure I’d be dead halfway through the meal. It was…meh. Let’s face it: it’s a cordon bleu/chicken club variation and with some honest effort it might be a wonderfully decadent dish. It’s first on my list of things to try and cook for myself when I get my mouth back...next month.

NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR

Finally, I hate the use of Gene Wilder singing "Pure Imagination" in that damn commercial. I don't even know what the commercial is for I'm so annoyed by it. That was my Willy Wonka; the real one. Not that shit with Johnny Depp looking like Michael Jackson from Tim Burton.