THREE MORE WORDS. CHOCOLATE BACON CANDY.

1. How To Train Your Dragon/Para Wknd/$ 15.0 Total/$ 178.0

2. The Back Up Plan/CBS Wknd/$ 12.3 Total/$ 12.3

3. Date Night/Fox Wknd/$ 10.6 Total/$ 63.5

4. The Losers/Warner Wknd/$ 9.6 Total/$ 9.6

5. Kick Ass/LGF Wknd/$ 9.5 Total/$ 34.9

6. Clash of the Titans/Warner Wknd/$ 9.0 Total/$ 145.6

7. Death At A Funeral/ Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 28.4

8. Oceans/Disney Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 6.0

9. The Last Song/Touchstone Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 55.4

10. Alice in Wonderland/Touchstone Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 327.5

DON’T CARE HOW WE GOT IT, IT’S OURS NOW!

How To Train Your Dragon holds at number one, or as I realized later, continues to benefit from kids who wanted to see Kick Ass, but knew their parents would never take them so they bought tickets to this, then snuck in. Well done, children. Well done.

SETTING THE BAR LOW FOR JENNIFER ANNISTON

The Back-Up Plan opens at number two and like Jennifer Anniston and Meg Ryan before her, Jennifer Lopez is too old to be making these damn “Single Girl Looking For Love In The Big City” movies (more ironic still is Jennifer Anniston has a version of this plot coming out later this year). This looks like something the decade-younger Kate Hudson should be doing, so yes, it looks that freaking bad. Overly cute (“OMG! I meet the perfect guy on the exact same day I get artificially inseminated”), with incredibly forced humor with New York City overlit so much that it looks like a studio backlot, which is my biggest pet peeve because there used to be a time where a romantic comedy clearly shot in New York would have instantly had my dollar, but I’m not going to watch JLo make out with another white guy in a city where Hispanics are 17% of the population. I mean seriously, is there no shame in this? Especially for someone who never dated anything but a minority in her real life? The only thing I do respect is the use of younger, C-List beefcake, whose body was exploited constantly in the commercials. Usually, that would be the job of some starlet propping up an aging romantic lead looking for a comeback. You’ve come a long way, baby.

SAD FELLA

Date Night is down to number three and also in this is Ray Liotta. As a mob boss. Whom we actually meet while eating Italian food in his place downtown. How sad is that? Remember when he was the hot character actor of the moment, just burning up Something Wild and holding his own with Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci in GoodFellas? Shoeless Joe in Field of Dreams? Now, this. Standard Mafia Role #1. And he tried very hard to breaking away from the crazy villain role, always taking a shot a comedy (remember him playing a crazy version of himself on Just Shoot Me), but it just didn’t take. I blame the acne. Would only there was Pro-Active 20 years ago to not only help his career, but also provide a celebrity endorsement. Only there wasn’t so here he is, ironically in a comedy, but just playing a two dimensional role. If the director had any sort of imagination he would have told him to do a riff on his GoodFellas role. If.

BABY, EVEN THE LOSERS GET LUCKY SOMETIMES

The Losers open at number four and this is the latest movie adapted from a comic book. In this case a non-superhero, straight action-adventure one adapting the name of a classic WWII Comic by the name of The Losers. The premise is essentially the same as the movie: someone in the CIA tries to kill a special ops team when they interfere in something hardly related to national security. But while the book is R-rated and deals in the shady, almost black history of this nation’s intelligence community, the movie is a PG-13 action comedy, where the bad guy is clearly rogue. And on that level it totally works. There’s a good chemistry between all the actors, the action scenes are nice and it’s not ADD oriented in its direction. Nothing extraordinary, but for 90 minutes or so a good time. My particular favorite scene is the use of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Jeffery Dean Morgan is the lead (his second comic book based movie after The Watchmen) and let’s face it, he’s the guy you call when you can’t get George Clooney. Middle-aged, just the right amount of “experienced” gray in the hair and completely and utterly masculine. When you see Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, do you think scotch whiskey drinker? Exactly. In this movie Johnny Walker shows up not once but twice. He may be less handsome, but he’s taller and cheaper. I hated Denny Doucette on Grey’s Anatomy so much I pretty much despised him on sight, but this goes a long way to removing that stain. But how can you have a movie called The Losers and not use Tom Petty’s song?

NOT THAT I EVER DID SUCH A THING

Kick Ass is down to number five and as we mentioned before actually has more people seeing in than indicated given the kids are paying for How To Train Your Dragon and sneaking into it. This makes sense, as it’s really geared to an angry, sexless 15-year old’s tastes. But also in this is Elizabeth McGovern who also turns up in Clash of the Titans, down to number six this week. Elizabeth McGovern!?! Yeah, I can’t explain it either. In Kick Ass she’s his mother who is just onscreen for three second then she dies, and in Clash she plays the stepmother of Perseus so she’s onscreen for whole five minutes before she dies, but that she was onscreen at all is nothing short of shocking. Clearly someone has a new agent. But she’s not only one collecting an easy paycheck. Danny Houston is here as Poseidon with one line. Polly Walker briefly as Cassiopeia. Jane March is Hestia and I don’t think she speaks. Alexander Siddig as Hermes, Izabella Miko as Athena and model Agnes Deyn as Aphrodite and none of them speak. The other non-speaking model is Natalia Vodianova who, in the closest thing to creativity this movie displays, is the face of Medusa. That’s a wonderful interpretation of the legend.

YES, WE ALL KNOW EACH OTHER

Death At A Funeral is down to number seven and also in this are Zoe Saldana and Columbus Short who are also in The Losers, but if you’re black (or Dominican and people think you’re Black) and there are two films that have a significant number of minorities, you’re going to be seeing a lot of one another. And do you think Danny Glover had any words of wisdom for the kids? You know about how to maximize your time on top, because one day it’ll be over and Mel Gibson will still be a megastar and you’ll be playing cranky old man supporting roles.

EVEN THOUGH YOU PAY FOR CABLE, IN YOUR MIND IT’S FREE

Oceans opens at number eight and while I’m sure this is lovely and wonderful, who pays to see what they can get on Discovery every night of the week?

THE END

The Last Song is down to number nine, followed by Alice in Wonderland, closing out the top ten at number ten.

MY OWN PERSONAL XXX FILE

Not breaking the top ten anytime soon is the indie film Boogie Woogie, supposedly a comedy about the ruthless and sordid world of art dealing in London. Yeah, I know I’ve been avoiding indies for about two years now, but how can you overlook a cast consisting of Gillian Anderson, Alan Cumming, Heather Graham, Danny Houston, Christopher Lee, Joanna Lumley, Charlotte Rampling, Amanda Seyfried and Stellan Skarsgard? Especially, when it involves Gillian Anderson giving a blowjob in a bathroom stall? And while we’ve all seen Heather Graham naked enough for a lifetime she doffs her top as a prelude to some girl-on-girl action with a lesbian video artist who records every aspect of her life as a self-portrait. But they had me at Agent Scully giving head. The gist of it is this: oh, look hysterically self-centered and vicious these people are! Only they’re not hysterical. Being mean onto itself is not a laugh riot. Just because it’s satirical, doesn’t mean it’s funny. You have to write some fucking jokes. Basically, Heather works for Danny who sells to Gillian and Stellan, but Heather is sleeping with Stellan who plans to back her new gallery and she tells him of Christopher and Joanna who own a painting Stellan wants and can get cheaper by skipping Danny, whose new assistant is Amanda Seyfried. Got all that? Now, Heather Graham and Amanda Seyfried aren’t playing sisters like you’d think, but they are playing odd doppelgangers in a way you think might have given Heather Graham pause. I mean, Amanda Seyfried is the blonde, saucer-eyed “it girl” of the moment, given recently to nude scenes. 13 years ago Heather Graham was the blonde, saucer-eyed “it girl” of the moment most famous for her full-frontal nude scene as Rollergirl in Boogie Nights. Oh, did I mention that Amanda Seyfried first shows up on roller blades? In the context of the movie, Seyfried follows in Graham’s footsteps both personally and professionally, but with a twist so bizarre I can only hope there was more meaning attached to it in the book, because in film it’s just an oddly insane thing that happens. If Heather Graham has any sense of self-awareness, it had to affect her. Maybe she’s okay with it and views it with a zen-like serenity as just the way things are. Or maybe she went home to have a nightly date with Mr. Vodka. Hell, I’m drinking just thinking about having to work with my replacement on a daily basis. And has to know full well guys her age that she’s worked will probably be working with Seyfried tomorrow without a hint of irony or suggestion of the tremendous age difference. It’d be like asking Winona Ryder to work with Natalie Portman.

‘CAUSE BACON GOES WITH EVERYTHING

So, by helping a friend of mine in SoHo basically steal a shitload of music from a coworker (I maintain all she had to do was ask and it would have gladly been given to her) I was rewarded with a Chocolate Bacon Candy bar from a store that does naught but sell chocolate bacon candy a few doors down on Spring Street. Not only is it a chocolate bacon store, but it’s a gourmet chocolate bacon store. Greatest city in the world, bitchez! Damn good thing it’s too far away for me to visit regularly. And don’t think they’re not aware of how much this means to some of us. Check out the softcore porn copy on the package: “Breathe…engage your five senses, close your eyes and inhale deeply. Be in the present moment, notice the color of the chocolate, the glossy shine. Rub your thumb over the chocolate bar to release the aromas of smoked applewood bacon flirting with deep milk chocolate . Snap off a piece and place it in your mouth, let the lust of salt and sweet coat your tongue.” Sorry, but you replace “chocolate” with “dick” and it’s the same thing. But let’s not do that “snap off” thing, okay?