PAIN DON'T HURT

1. Funny People/Universal Wknd/$ 23.4 Total/$ 23.4
2. Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince Wknd/$ 17.7 Total/$ 255.5
3. G-Force/Disney Wknd/$ 17.1 Total/$ 66.5
4. The Ugly Truth/Sony Wknd/$ 13.0 Total/$ 54.5
5. Aliens in the Attic/Fox Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 7.8
6. Orphan/Warner Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 26.8
7. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs/Fox Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 181.8
8. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 255.8
9. The Proposal/Touchstone Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 148.9
10. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Wknd/$ 4.6 Total/$ 388.1

UGLY UNFUNNY PEOPLE
Funny People opens at number one and the combination of Seth Rogen, Adam Sandler and Judd Apatow is one big fat failure for me. It doesn’t matter what the subject matter is. It could be a science fiction action adventure comedy or a comedy about two guys who run a strip club and I wouldn’t be moved an inch for it. Needless to say, this apparent treacle about an Adam Sandler-type star who finds out he’s dying and takes Seth Rogen under his wing as a protégé really isn’t appealing. I know it’s shallow, but I’m sick of Seth Rogen’s ugly, furry face on my movie screen and but for Happy Gilmore, I’ve always found Adam Sandler’s success to be one of life’s biggest mysteries, unless it’s to reveal just how many dumbass frat boys go to the movies. The movie also compounds its sins by having the girl who got away (played by Mrs. Apatow, Leslie Mann) be married to Eric Bana, who will undoubtedly be shown to be less than Adam Sandler, because Judd Apatow has to remind his wife that the good-looking guys she used to date were inferior to him…who keeps her working constantly as her career pretty much ended years ago. We’re already shown in a trailer he’s somewhat cheated on her by going to a massage parlor for a “happy ending.” Yeah, can’t imagine why he’d do that given the raw sexuality Leslie Mann oozes out onscreen. Yeah, I’m just an enemy to this movie and everyone involved. Let’s move on before I start talking shit about the lighting director and his wife.

WHEN THE DEVIL CALLS IN HIS MARKER, YOU VOICE HIS CRAPPY MOVIE
Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince holds at number two followed by G-Force at number three and as always let’s see what stars do the voices here and why. Are they A-list doing it for a lark or their kids or are they fading A-list or otherwise lower rung actors who can’t say “No” to a payday? Bill Nighy isn’t A-list, but clearly here for the fun of it all, while sadly, Will Arnett needed the payday. Tracy Morgan also needed it but is clearly insane so would probably be here even if he were the biggest star in the world. Here making cameos because of a debt to producer Jerry Bruckheimer are none other than Nicholas Cage, Jon Favreau, Penelope Cruz and Steve Buscemi.

NOT THAT BRETT RATNER IS ATTRACTIVE
The Ugly Truth is down to number four and this actually has the same director as Legally Blonde, which while no great feminist treatise was clearly a result of the writing and Reese Witherspoon’s performance and not him, as his resume now includes this and Monster-In-Law. It also includes the so-mediocre-it-wasn’t-interesting-enough-to-be-called-bad, Win A Date With Tad Hamilton. Clearly, wit, verve and intelligence are just words with no meaning for the guy. He’s also not bad looking for a director which only serves to support my theory that good directors tend to be fugly and actresses only sleep with them for one reason (though Tippi Hendren still wouldn’t give it up to Alfred Hitchcock). Okay, two if you count daddy issues…

RIGHT NOW PATRICK SWAYZE HAS A BETTER CAREER. WHAT!?! WHAT’D I SAY!?!
Aliens in the Attic opens at number five and let’s begin charting the sad fall of the careers of the High School Musical cast. Ashley Tisdale pretty much started wrecking her career even before the franchise was done by destroying what served to make her unique and relatable to her fan base…and by that I mean a useless nose job. Someone give her Jennifer Grey’s phone number to have this explained to her.

WHO KNOW DWARF SLUTS WERE A CLICHÉ?
Orphan is down to number six and did I mention the secret of this film is SHE’S A

MIDGET DWARF HOOKER!?! Apparently this isn’t as unique as one may think. On Batman the Animated Series 10 years ago there was a character called Baby Doll who was a famous child actress who also never grew and subsequently embarked on a life of crime. Also, Star Sister informed me that Law & Order SVU had an episode about a woman who looked like a teenager but was in her 30’s and used it to have sex with teenage boys and while I technically know that’s a crime, I’m sure she probably did those boys some good by teaching them some things. I mean who better than a pathological sexual predator with a rare genetic disorder to deflower you and teach you the meaning of being a man?

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL
Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs is down to number seven, followed by The Hangover at number eight and The Proposal at number nine and don’t fret, Bradley Cooper. Just because Ryan Reynolds got the Green Lantern role doesn’t mean there’s still not a chance for you. Reynolds didn’t show up to promote it at San Diego ComicCon this year because apparently he was fighting with his wife, Scarlet Johansson. Strange how that didn’t stop her from showing up to push Iron Man 2. Execs at Warner Brothers, who went out of their way to publicly announced a leading man competition, like it was the 40’s in an effort to drum up publicity, could not have been pleased as it’s accepted that Iron Man’s good press at ComicCon two years ago was a definite contributor to its overall success. Just remember Stuart Townsend, who was cast as Aragorn in Lord of the Rings and actually filmed scenes before being replaced by Viggo Mortensen. It ain’t over till it’s over.

THE END
Finally, Transformers Revenge of the Fallen closes out the top ten at number ten.

IN BRIGHTEST DAY, IN DARKEST NIGHT, NOTHING GEEKY SHALL ESCAPE MY SIGHT
Speaking of Green Lantern, the Direct To Video animated movie was released last week and thanks to geeks everywhere it was sold out of Best Buys everywhere. I found it at my favorite little discount shop and it’s okay. It’s not as good as the Wonder Woman movie from earlier this year, but if you’re a fan or want a quick introduction to what may finally make Ryan Reynolds (or Bradley Cooper) an A-last action star, it’s worth a look.

I DON’T THINK DONAVAN MCNABB IS WATCHING
Yes, I do watch The T.O. Show. Or as I like to call it, The 2% Bodyfat Show because they can’t seem to go an episode without him displaying the most chiseled body in football. Hell, even the poster is him naked. I find it amusing in that even his friends know there’s a difference between Terrell Owens and “T.O.” Terrell Owens is charming, likable guy, but “T.O.” is the diva who’s disrupted multiple football teams. But it’s more staged than any reality show in recent memory because I’m supposed to believe that T.O. is in LA and no A-list celebs want to hang with him? Not a one? Doubtful. They just probably couldn’t film that part. And his former-fiancée was drop-dead gorgeous on a level not seen in recent memory. Women like that are why men are driven to succeed, because you can’t have one any other way. She’s also a tribute to the nature of being a dog, because when you have a woman like that at home and you still cheat? Then you are just a dog, my friend. As Chris Rock once said, “The only thing better than pussy is new pussy.” I’m walso amused how one of his friends let it slip her disapproval of him not dating any Black women, because if he had he’d know how a sista takes care of her hair at bedtime. Besides, given that he’s in Buffalo now and one half-of this apartment is Buffalo Bill-oriented, he’s going to be a part of my life no matter what I do, so I might as well get used to it.

MEGAN OF CASH
Daisy of Love is over and now we’re on to the third Rock of Love spin-off: Megan Wants a Millionaire. Now, I love Megan because Megan is playing the game. She’s created this persona for herself dating back to Beauty & The Geek and has ridden it to her own show. What separates her from the pack is that she knows it’s a game and has never pretended otherwise. That’s why it’s sad her show just isn’t that interesting. Interesting is a big hot mess like Daisy or the bulk of the Rock of Love contestants. Now she could play the Brett Michaels role and be the sane center of it all, but unfortunately her millionaires aren’t that interesting either. Seriously rich crazy would never be on a show like this (sane rich goes without saying). But some are clearly gay, which is fun. Now, a show about her working as beard for her clearly gay millionaire “boyfriend” would be a must-see.

PAIN DON’T HURT
So, my non-training for the triathlon I wasn’t going to be in is over. First of all, it’s full. I couldn’t sign up if I wanted to. Yay! Secondly, I hurt my leg. Three weeks of running and Achilles Tendonitis has set in. Yeah, thanks for that. How this happens after three weeks when I’m in better shape than my first week in bad shoes and nearly dying is beyond me. See, running is unnatural and a slap in the face to our ancestors who, once they created the wheel and long-distance weapons and pushed us to the top of the food chain, eliminated the need for us to run. Coincidentally, I also suffered a biking injury as well. I haven’t circled the whole isle of Manhattan in pretty much a year because I just find the bulk of the ride down the Upper East Side so unattractive. I mean you’re looking at industrial Queens for most of it. And after that it’s dockside Brooklyn. The only advantage is that I’m alone for most of it. On the West Side, from Battery Park on up to 100th, it’s annoying people who are out riding just so they can say they were riding to their friends, not because they really like it. But from 100th street on over the top of Manhattan until you get down to about the 70’s on the East Side it’s near deserted and it’s wonderful. In fact the three bikers I saw this weekend were the most I’d ever seen there. It was when I got down to the seaport where I wiped out and it was because of testosterone. I’d inadvertently got into a chase with some guy I was trying to pass who didn’t want to be passed so basically I got into a race. It more or less began around the East Village, and when we came off the path that leads to the South Street path I was getting ready to pass him---when I realized I’d missed my re-entry from the street back to the path and the neared one was one of the curbs that have the rounded metal on them. Now my first spill and many near spills are because you have hit those at as straight an angle as you can. If not, your tire will just slide along it and down you go. I could have slowed down to readjust my angle, but that would have meant, well, slowing down, and that’s not something my balls would allow, so I hit it at an angle I knew was wrong and the ground came up and hit me. Sadly I’m getting better at falling because aside from tiny scratches on my left calf and right hand, there was nothing. Okay, maybe briefly a large swollen bruise but it never turned color and receded by the next day. The bike was undamaged (the new back fender I’d bought to keep crap out of my hair was thankfully fine) and after I reassured the people in the car who stopped to ask about my well-being, I hopped back on my bike and kept going. As for the fucker I was non-racing, he knew full well we were non-racing, which is why he stopped briefly to look back and see if I was okay, then kept on going. Unfortunately the initial pain of the fall didn’t allow me get back up to my top speed in time to catch him, though by the time I hit the West Side path I was back to normal and once again annoyed with all the slow fuckers. Ironic result: the pain in my calf from the fall seems to have banished all Achilles Tendonitis pain.

ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY
One benefit of being in corporate America are things like Summer Fridays. Okay fine. Health benefits. But Summer Fridays are big too. This year we only got four, or 28 hours, which could also be used as half days. I went for the 7 half days because so many people are out on Fridays in the summer anyway, it’s not like much is going on. But rather than go home and go back to sleep like I usually do, this time I did something. I went down to the High Line. I wasn’t going to be one of those pathetic suckers waiting in line to take a leisurely stroll. Sorry, but that it’s a leisurely stroll is the fucking point. You’re not supposed to wait. And it was a perfect day for it. Aside from being in the middle of the day, it was overcast and gave way to brief showers which cleared out the weak and occasionally left me all but alone, which is just how I like it. Yes, it’s very nice and I’m looking forward to the entire thing eventually opening as for now it pretty much goes from 14th to 21st street. If you can get out in the middle of day or can take a day off, I recommend it. Do it like I did, which is to start at 21st street because then you get let out in the Meatpacking district, whose upscale transformation still hasn’t been killed by the recession. Oops. Spoke too soon. The Little Pie Company location that was there is now gone.

NO, I’M NOT OF THE FARNSWORTHIAN FAITH
My TV did something weird. Say a prayer to the TV gods as it has a bad habit of dying when I can least afford it. The last time my TV frizzed out on me I’d just been laid off. Recession heavy 2009 where a frozen pizza I paid $5.99 for a year ago is now selling for $9.49 isn’t much better isn’t much better (needless to say, we don’t buy that pizza any longer). Oh, mighty Rod Serling, please bestow your blessings upon my CRT as we are not quite ready to purchase LCD just yet…especially since we will not go below 32” or buy brands like Insignia or Vizio and they otherwise start out at $500. Amen.

HE NEVER GOT TO BE SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY
Finally, this won’t mean a lot to most of you, but if you’re Black and of a certain age know that Reverend Ike died last week. It truly is the Summer of Celebrity Death.