IT'S BETTER TO BE AWFUL THAN UGLY

1. G-Force/Disney Wknd/$ 32.2 Total/$ 32.2
2. Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince Wknd/$ 30.0 Total/$ 221.8
3. The Ugly Truth/Sony Wknd/$ 27.0 Total/$ 27.0
4. Orphan/Warner Wknd/$ 12.8 Total/$ 12.8
5. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs/Fox Wknd/$ 8.2 Total/$ 171.3
6. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 379.1
7. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 247.1
8. The Proposal/Touchstone Wknd/$ 6.4 Total/$ 140.1
9. Public Enemies/Universal Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 88.1
10. Bruno/Universal Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 56.5

TINY, JASON, MARK AND PRINCESS AREN’T IN THIS
G-Force opens at number one demonstrating the short attention span of kids…or proving that talking animals beats everything. Because I’m a geek, when I saw “G-Force” my mind immediately jumped to the cartoon Battle of the Planets, which was the American adaptation of Gatchaman from Japan. On the show they were called “G-Force” and for American audiences they added an R2D2 clone called 7-Zark-7. The show was great, but the dumbed down portion was horribly bad.

WHAT KIND OF KOOL-AID DO THEY HAVE AT HOGWARTS?
Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince drops to number two and every day I expect a news report about a mass suicide where everyone was found wearing stupid wizard hats. Yes, you’re all part of a cult.

STICK WITH THE AWFUL TRUTH
The Ugly Truth opens at number three and could this look worse? I mean, seriously, how could this ever have been a good idea for anyone involved? I’m a romantic comedy whore and I love Katherine Heigl, but even I couldn’t see giving up one moment of my life for this. In the 21st Century are we really still doing a story this lame and clichéd with the uptight woman and the piggish man with no hint of subtlety or shading? Seriously? And he’s going to teach her how to get a man? As if this was ever an issue for a pretty, large-breasted blonde in the history of all humanity? More like how to keep the legions of dogs away. Someone should remind Gerard Butler that 300 was two years ago and since then he’s made shit like P.S. I Love You, making him a prime candidate for “Signs You’re In A Bad Romantic Comedy: either Matthew McConughey, Kate Hudson or Jennifer Garner is there.” And it’s not like he had the most sterling resume beforehand. You were the best friend of Christian Bale in Reign of Fire and you died and the ex-boyfriend of Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft 2 and you died. Christian Bale is now Batman and the first ex-boyfriend of Lara Croft was Daniel Craig and is now James Bond. Clearly they’re choosing roles better than you are. Lucky for Katherine Heigl, she still has her day job, though it’s anyone’s guess how much she really wants it. She’s still got more successful starring movies than she does failures, but unless she learns to choose her scripts better she won’t for long.

SPOILER OR THE MOST ENTICING PIECE OF INFORMATION EVER?
Orphan opens at number four and while I haven’t seen this, it may just be the greatest movie ever made. Why? Because of the alleged “twist” that’s not so difficult to guess. Okay, you’ve been warned so here it comes: SHE’S A 30-SOMETHING DWARF HOOKER WHO IS PRETENDING TO BE A CHILD!!! Is that not the most amazing shit you’ve ever heard!?! I want to see it now solely because of this, but I can’t because it can never live up to the hilarity of such a premise. I want to see scenes where they find pictures of her at Lollapalooza or with the “Rachel” haircut or have her break down screaming how the death of the lead singer of Blind Melon pushed her over the edge because she used to follow them around on tour, upon which she then starts dancing around in the bee girl outfit to “No Rain.” This may be the first instant camp classic in a very long time.

IT MAY NOT EVEN BE ABOUT GIANT ROBOTS
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs is down to number five, followed by Transformers Revenge of the Fallen at number six and remember how Josh Duhmael’s character was given a touch of depth by having him longing to see his baby daughter for the first time? Well, that’s all gone this time around. In fact, he might as well be a totally new character given how little attention they pay to either him of any of the other soldiers involved. Megan Fox said that Transformers movies were not about acting and she wasn’t wrong, but she left out they’re not about writing either. Or directing for that matter. Or…

HITCHCOCK WOULD ODDLY UNDERSTAND
The Hangover is down to number seven and remember the creepy guy in Road Trip who goes after Jamie King’s toes? Or the creepy guy in Old School who shows up at Luke Wilson’s house for the gang bang? Well that’s the director and he shows up again here as a creepy guy who’s about to have sex in a elevator. Oh, and remember the cursing wedding band from Old School? We’ll they’re here as well, because, after all it’s about a bachelor party, so it serves there’s a wedding. What would have truly been funny would be to have them show up in every wedding movie. Rachel Getting Married, Margot At The Wedding, god knows Bridal Wars needed something.

THE PART WHERE I ALIENATE EVERY WOMAN I KNOW...AND POSSIBLY SOME 50-YEAR-OLD DUDES
The Proposal is down to number seven and this has been so successful ($40M budget, $162M worldwide gross) that Sandra Bullock has jokingly said she’s going to be naked in every movie from now on. She looks good, but you know that’s not the body of anyone even close to 20. Yeah, I said it. She said she worked out hard for it, but a few more reps wouldn’t have hurt. Look at her co-star. Ryan’s ripped. But what’s this bullshit of not doing nude scenes when you’re in your 20’s and your body is perfect but doing them in your 40’s after a coupla kids and gravity’s come calling!?! First Meg Ryan and now her. How does that make sense? I blame Harvey Keitel putting his bloated 50-something ass out there for the world to see and taking away all sense of shame. I don’t pay to see the realties of time and age. This isn’t foreign or indie film. I pay for perfection and illusion (not that the digital brush isn’t as obviously at play here making her sometimes look like a piece of CGI)! This is why I always advise doing your nudes young. Not that I did. And even if I did it was pre-digital. In fact I think it was an etching, so there’s no way you can see it.

SKINNY, PALE, PASSABLY ATTRACTIVE BLONDES ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME
Public Enemies is down to number nine and I made a mistake last week confusing Chloe Sevigny with LeeLee Sobieski, who is actually the actress in the film, but it just means I was dead on in her probably doing this to be remembered for other films, because the brief moment of heat this girl---who looks like she was made out of some leftover Helen Hunt DNA from the set of Mad About You---had was scary in its brevity. Remember when it was somewhat scandalous when she was the Lolita-esque girl who tempts Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut? Let me put it this way: she was in Joyride with Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker and Steve Zahn and was Joan of Arc on TV at the same time Mila Jovovich was Joan of Arc at the movies. We know what happened to Paul Walker and next week Steve Zahn and Mila Jovovich are starring in a movie together. Maybe she, Chris Klein and Josh Harnett were all cursed together in Here On Earth?

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS FINALLY OVER
Finally Bruno closes out the top ten at number ten, now will it please just go away!?!

MANY THINGS I HATE ABOUT GOOD TV
I really, really, really, really wanted to hate the TV version of 10 Things I Hate About you, not the least of which is my love of movie, which is a teen adaptation of Taming of the Shrew. Shakespeare as a weekly show? This is madness, but there is method in it. The show is actually smart and funny and is a pain because the last thing I needed was something else to fill up my DVR. Because it has the advantage of time, it gets to take its time with the story, not to mention develop the supporting cast more, not that they didn’t in the movie. Cat and Patrick are still flirt/fighting and Cameron pines away for an oblivious Bianca. All that’s missing are the many background jokes that were constantly going on. But they have a heavyset Asian girl clearly in love with Cat, so I guess they’re making this an antidote to the “Teen Christian Morality Hour” better known as The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

DAISY OF CONTINUING BAD DECISIONS
London? Are you fucking kidding me!?! He got passed out drunk the first night! He ran out supposedly when he was feeling too much! And worst of all, he’s a fucking musician still trying to make it with his band at 30. Do you really think this is going to change!?! A wise woman once said people show you how they’re going to fuck up the first time you meet them. It’s your fault if you choose to ignore it. Guess what she’s doing? Somewhere down the road she’s going to be upset that a) he’s never around because he’s trying to make it, b) gets pass out drunk too much or c) runs away emotionally. Gee, it’s not like there were any warning signs or anything. Well, on the upside, this pretty much guarantees Daisy of Love 2. In fact I wonder if the producers begged her to pick him for just that reason. And um, whatever happened to her single? You know, the one that debuted on the first episode? Have we heard that again? Didn’t think so.

VIDEO GAME OF DEATH
Having lifted the embargo on buying DVD’s I continue to pick up things I missed on eEbay. Never paying more than $10---which includes shipping---so I’m actually never paying more than $5-6. I finally picked up The Dark Knight and believe it or not I haven’t seen it since that first time in the theater last year. I also picked up the extended cut of Sex & the City and the annoying fashion aspect aside, the dramatic bits hold up quite well. I also found the old 60’s Superman animated series from the 60’s for $5 in a store. Well, it was a “2 for $10” and my second film was my guiltiest of all pleasures: DOA: Dead or Alive. No, not the classic film noir, but the cheesy videogame adaptation. It may be one of the best because a) it was directed by HK action auteur, Cory Yuen, b) never takes itself seriously and c) when choosing hot girls to fight in as little as possible (two blondes in bikinis fighting in the rain in slow motion and no, I’m not kidding), they actually chose some with some athletic skill. While they’re clearly not martial artists, it’s pretty clear every girl has a background in something, probably dance (and a quick IMDB search shows ballet all over the place). The entire cast combined probably doesn’t amount to 8% bodyfat. But because I’m me, the Superman series went into the DVD player first. Oh, the memories. Remember when Filmation ruled Saturday mornings? Not to mention your heart?

ISN’T THERE SOMETHING ZEN ABOUT INACTIVITY AND ROUND BELLIES I CAN LATCH ONTO?
So this triathlon I’m not doing has entered the realm of seriously not doing. Yes, I can now pull off running three miles without stopping, but the cost is ridiculous. After five straight days of running, swimming and biking, I’m a sore mess by the weekend. I cannot imagine doing all that in just a few hours. Especially doing anything after running. I’m just a heaving, sweaty mess after a run. At one point I felt almost shamed into attempting this after having dinner with The French Woman and two of her friends. Of course they’re from crunchy, healthy San Francisco and when I mentioned it was a sprint triathlon, both women of course had done it. Of course. What else to they do out there but try to shame the rest of an obese, sedentary nation, with their acceptance of homosexuality and organic foods? The ultimate irony being, Star Trek Woman, who’s always trying to get me into crazy things like this (over the last two weeks there have been suggestions for a city-wide scavenger hunt and The Annual Underwear Run which was before the official NYC Triathlon this weekend, whose set up screwed up my Saturday ride) has a hurt ankle and it still learning to swim. So she’s pushing for something she may not even do. I’ve got one bad influence in my life (and that fucker’s biking 14 miles every morning). I don’t need another. Where my fat, lazy doughnut eatin’ friends at!?! Holla atcha boy!

I’VE HEARD IT SIZZLES
It’s old, but it’s new to me. Trance Groove’s “Paris.” Listening to it makes me want to break out my passport and finally take that trip I had planned when my passport arrived on September 10, 2001.