I AM NOT IRON MAN

1. Bruno/Universal Wknd/$ 30.4 Total/$ 30.4
2. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs/Fox Wknd/$ 28.5 Total/$ 120.5
3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Wknd/$ 24.2 Total/$ 339.2
4. Public Enemies/Universal Wknd/$ 14.1 Total/$ 66.5
5. The Proposal/Touchstone Wknd/$ 10.5 Total/$ 113.7
6. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 9.9 Total/$ 222.4
7. I Love You Beth Cooper/Fox Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 5.0
8. Up/Disney Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 273.8
9. My Sister’s Keeper/Warner Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 35.8
10. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3/Sony Wknd/$ 1.6 Total/$ 61.5

I GET IT. I JUST DON’T CARE
Bruno opens at number one and I am not a fan of this type of humor. Acting like an asshole to provoke other people into acting like assholes then sitting back and laughing at them like you’ve accomplished something is bullshit to me. Only an asshole would do that so your high ground is all an illusion. It’s something different to just let people embarrass themselves like The Daily Show does, when they know full well you’re out for a laugh, but going all out to push their buttons is something else indeed. I didn’t watch Ali G on HBO, I didn’t see Borat and I’ll never see this. I’m just glad it’s finally opened so all these fucking commercials and ads will go away.

THE ENEMY OF MY ENEMY IS MY FRIEND
Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (and I believe we’ve discussed the oxymoron of “ice age” along with a dinosaur presence) actually lost out last week so if Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen---which has then dropped two places to number three---had any redeeming feature that was it. Keeping Ice Age out of the number one slot.

BAND OF THE MANN
Public Enemies is down to number four and Michael Mann is one of those directors who specializes in populating his film with character actors. From Manhunter to this, look down the cast lists and that’s what you’ll find. Some famous, some not so famous, but all know you’ve seen many times, providing his films with gravitas. In this case it’s a lot of guys who came up with Johnny Depp and had their brief moments in the “Young Hollywood” arena, but never made to stardom that way like Depp and now have become full-grown character actor men. Stephen Dorff, Rory Cochrane, Giovanni Ribisi, Shawn Hatosy even Billy Crudup----doing a very nice turn as J. Edgar Hoover, shown here in all his true malice, despite being on the side of law and order. They join such seasoned players like James Russo and Stephen Lang, a Mann alum (he was in Manhunter as well as the TV show, Crime Story) who actually makes more of a dramatic impression here as a Texas Ranger become FBI Agent than both Depp and Christian Bale, despite a tenth of the screen time.

NOT THAT CAMERON DIAZ IS DOING THAT WELL HERSELF THESE DAYS
The Proposal is down to number five and also in this is Cameron Diaz 2.0, a.k.a., Malin Ackerman, but actually she’s more like a female Ryan Reynolds in that she’s a very attractive person who appears in a lot of A-list movies but never seems to catch on until years later. The difference is, men have that time. Women do not and she may be done at 31. I’m not saying it’s fair, but if a sitcom comes her way, she should grab it with both hands. By the time she was 31, Sandra Bullock had already done Speed and was starring in While You Were Sleeping, establishing herself as the star and not some dude.

THOSE WHO DON’T LEARN FROM THE PAST ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT
The Hangover is down to number six and by now everyone knows that one of the most successful movies of the year ($35M budget, $284M worldwide gross) was turned down by Lindsay Lohan because she felt the role played by Heather Graham (who should send her a fruit basket) wasn’t substantial. Well, duh, but beggars can’t be choosers. And in return she’s being sued for her spray tan and getting paid to host her own birthday party. She truly is the Shannon Doherty of this generation---except she’s actually talented which makes all this worse.

AVOID THE CHEERLEADER, SAVE YOUR CAREER
I Love You, Beth Cooper opens up poorly at number seven and hopefully this is a sign that Hayden Panttiere’s undeserved fame is finally over. I mean, she was just an underage blonde in a cheerleading outfit. That’s the sole source of it all, because it’s not like she’s overly pretty or talented. Just when you think you know how sad men are, something like this occurs and you realize it’s worse than you think. And what idiot releases a film about high school graduation a month after most high schools have graduated!?!

THE END
Up is down to number eight, followed by My Sister’s Keeper at number nine and Night At The Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian, hanging at number ten like a paper cut that won’t heal.

BLOOD SIMPLETON
Not breaking the top ten is Blood: The Last Vampire, and despite my geek status, I have very little use for anime. I fully admit to being put off by the whole look of it all; the big eyes, the fact that everyone is drawn as “white” when it’s purely Japanese…it just creeps me out. Oh, then there’s that non-stop “schoolgirl rape by demons” thing. This why I never heard of Blood: The Last Vampire before seeing the trailer on the Underworld: Rise of the Lycans DVD. It looked like fun and I sure as hell wasn’t going to see I Love You Beth Cooper, so there I was on a Saturday morning with a bunch of other dudes. Oh, you know it was all dudes. And it was all dudes who afterwards probably adjoined to either the nearby comic book or porn stores (not that I haven’t done that, but that particular day was about running shoes which we’ll get to later). The funny thing about Japanese anime and works based on it, is that the sight of a girl in a school uniform is deadly serious, while Buffy The Vampire Slayer in a cheerleader outfit (our comparable fetish) was meant to be a joke. Now these aren’t technically vampires (they’re demons), but they do suck blood, so the title almost makes sense. Sya is the apparent teen vampire slayer except she’s centuries old and apparently a bit of a demon herself, as she needs to drink blood which is provided to her by one of those mysterious “councils” that exist to fight evil in all these movies. This is oddly a western production, which may be part of the problem, although I actually liked Kiss of the Dragon, which came from the same director (I’m clearly in the minority). I say this because far too much time is paid to the character of the American girl in this. I didn’t go see it for her and could give a shit if she lived or died, so all the time spent on her was a waste of time. We’re here to see somebody kill vampires, period. The film is uniquely set in Japan during the Vietnam War era, suggesting that the carnage there led to the demons’ arrival, but why bring up such a provocative idea if you’re just going to toss it aside? Seriously, nothing is served in making it a period piece, rather than making it contemporary and then allowing for more money to be spent on your bad guy, who aside from not being that pretty is a horrible actress. Granted, I live in NYC, but I could step outside and probably find someone prettier and more talented. On the upside, some of the fight scenes are fun and I’m actually interested in seeing the original anime.

IT’S GOOD TO BE ME
Who’s king of the geeks? I am. Why? Because I bought an new screen for my Powerbook, and with no previous experience or knowledge, installed it myself, found it didn’t work, took it apart, found pieces were missing, took my old one apart, took out the pieces from that and put them in the new one, then sold the old one---even with the pieces missing---on eBay, thus making my total outlay $15. WHO’S YOUR MUTHAFUCKING GEEK DADDY!?!

I AM NOT IRON MAN
I’ve never cared for the workout sub-cultures that so permeate the city, though I do belong to at least two (biking, martial arts). There’s an inherent snobbery that they give off when you see them in the streets in their workout gear (which I never do), which they do deliberately so they can let you know they’re better than you. “See this yoga mat slung over my shoulder that matches my work out gear? It means I’m a supple toned slice of perfection, while you, you gelatinous fuck, are anything but. Excuse me while I buy my protein shake/designer vitamin water while you suck down that soda, fat ass.” And it’s worse with men because then you have the stink of testosterone and competition inherent in all we do. If more men did yoga, there’d have to be a “winner” at it. Inner peace and tone simply would not be enough. This is why you see them likewise decked out in perfectly coordinated workout gear (why does your helmet need to match your tights) as they run/bike/whatever all over the city. It’s also not so much about fitness is it is trying to relive former jock glories or just reach them for the first time now that your competition is just another account manager and not someone truly gifted in athletics. This is why it’s a bit odd that I find myself tempted to join their numbers. Star Trek Woman is trying to get me to join a triathlon since I already bike and used to swim. It seems that I could just throw a run into that and, voila! An Ironman is born. It’s what’s called a “sprint” in that it’s relatively short. It’s 400 meters swimming, 12 miles biking and 3 miles running. When I used to swim, I did 50 lengths in a 23-yard pool, which is about 21 meters, meaning I did 1050 yards every time I hit the water, so 400 meters is nothing. My average ride is 16 miles, making 12 pretty simple. My curiousity sparked, I decided to put foot to pavement and run for the first time in over a decade to see if running was also possible. I did two miles the first time (ran to the Jacob Javitz Center, rested, and ran back) then I did 3 miles the second time (ran up to the Pier 1 Café on the Upper West Side, rested, then ran back), so apparently this is possible. There’s just one problem: I FUCKING HATE RUNNING! Oh, my god the misery! Painful, slow, boring…my god, it’s nothing but sheer misery. I took up swimming and biking to avoid that shit and the toll it takes on your body. It was one thing when I lived near Central Park and used to run around the reservoir (sometimes I’d even have sex first, then go run. Ah, my 20’s) where running on the soil would cause less impact on your joints. Now it’s asphalt and the brutal concrete, the worst surface you can run on. But I can’t deny its effectiveness. The morning after every run I was briefly and instantly five pounds lighter. Also, being kung fu free at the moment, I need some thing to work towards. I guess this is why I bought a new pair of running shoes on Saturday afternoon. I initially when to Jack Rabbit Sports where Chasing Amy had sent me to get my winter biking gear. There they have a whole set up to help you pick out a running shoe, complete with filming you running on a tread mill to see how you responded to the shoe. I’m an underpronator, which is why I constantly wear down the right side of my heels (what’s great about this is that it totally justified my hunt for those sneakers because I need arch support). But in the end I balked at paying $100 for shoes I might not wear beyond August. Of course I then took the info I’d gotten from them (I bought something for my bike there to assuage my guilt at using them that way) and went online to look for the best sneakers for me, then off to Modells! Of course having the most average fucking body on earth, anything appropriate and in my price range was sold out. Asics, New Balance…gone. Nike sucks. Know this now. I can’t see how anyone runs in that shit. I was actually on my way to do counterproductive shopping (since when have they started making Command & Conquer for the Mac again and why didn’t anyone tell me?) when I ran across City Sports who were having 20% off already discounted items. This is how I wound up with a pair of Sauconys for $35. But I still haven’t decided I’m going to do it. Aside from the fact I don’t have a place to swim any longer, it’s in a month. Training would have to start yesterday. Then there’s the inescapable fact I’d really have to change how I eat. Oh, and did I mention I FUCKING HATE RUNNING!

DEMOLITION PLAN
It may come as no surprise that I was ultimately banned from Jezebel in wake of Michael Jackson’s death because I refused to pretend he wasn’t a sexual predator. The person who banned me I’ve met a few times and knowing she’s my age and Black I fully understand why, even though it’s total bullshit. If R. Kelly or Chris Brown died, there’d be none of this “but it’s about the music’ bullshit. Not that it matters. Like every relationship I’ve ever had with a woman, I knew there was a shelf-life going in and this one just reached its end. Besides, I made a lot of good friends and Sunday night was at a party one of them thrown for the pre-demolition of her apartment because the wiring will all have to be redone, thus destroying her place for a few weeks. But in all honesty, if I’d known how far out it was (Church Street stop on the “Q”) I probably would not have gone. But I had fun. All her friends (only one Jezebel showed up) were smart and funny and one had a mother who had to be one of the most interesting women alive. Not only did she show up to an airport with a .22 and a straight razor in her bag, but she referred to her son’s girlfriend that she disliked as “the dicklicker.” For a second I wondered if we were related because that sounds like shit my family says. Also when family questioned if her 44-year-old single daughter was gay, she replied, “She likes dick as much as anyone.” Yeah, we might be related. We were also encouraged to write on the soon-to-be-destroyed walls and since she’s been very open about her sex life to me, I made the appropriate comments in as many places as I could. Though I feel I lost out to the guy who made a nude sketch of her on the wall---which his wife found very funny. Also, because we’ve discussed beauty of bacon many times, that was my gift. Not wine, but a pound of maple bacon. Yes, I am the man.

NO OFFENSE TO YOU FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS
It may seem odd, but I realized that while I have fun riding, I don’t really do leisurely fun riding much. I’m doing 15-20 mph and trying for more on the bike path, not cruising the city streets looking around. I tried to amend this on Sunday with a leisurely ride around the SoHo/Tribeca area. It’s pretty and usually deserted on the weekends, though I probably would have been better off doing it last Sunday on the holiday weekend when I was walking down there and it was truly empty. Not as much this weekend, but still a nice ride. I was planning to finally see the High Line, but there was a fucking line, which kinda defeats the purpose, no? For those of you outside of NYC, the Highline is an abandoned piece of elevated train track in NYC’s chic West Village which has been renovated into a public part of sorts. But you don’t wait in line to visit a park, so everyone doing so was a fucking moron. I’ll take a day off and see it. And while I’m the most vocal critic of flabby people who reveal themselves in the summer sun, let’s take a moment to appreciate those 10% who are physically fucking perfect. Thank you for giving us all an aesthetic oasis in a desert of fat-ass genetic lottery losers. You know who you are in both camps.

YOUNG NAMASTE SLUTS
So I’m a firm believer in the idea that watching a fitness show or reading a fitness magazine is the same as working out, so this is how I found myself watching Yoga on FitTV. It’s pretty much yoga porn. I knew this, but was surprised when my roommate walked in and vocalized the same sentiment---though she said it like it was a bad thing. It’s pretty actresses doing passable yoga in a variety of lovely settings, from a forest to a mansion to a…warehouse? All very well lit and looking like a rock video or some high-end porn. Also, all wearing yoga gear so form fitting, “camel toe” is a given, not the exception. But having seen women in the streets in their workout gear, this is more accurate than you’d like to admit. But the best part came in a commercial when I saw someone I knew hosting a fitness show. Madonna Grimes is a successful fitness instructor (Miss Fitness America 1994), which is pretty much what she was doing while getting her masters in dance at NYU when I met her. On one hand it’s got to be a bit disappointing to have more success at your “day job” than your career path, but as least she’s succeeded in something that doesn’t require her working for “the man” like the rest of us. And I met Leroy from Fame once because of her, so she’s aces in my book.

HUMP DAY
Maxwell has a new album and does it really matter if it’s good or not? It’s just background music while we all get our swerve on. I’ve got a bottle of wine and will be over around 7:00.