IF YOU CAN'T GO DEEP, GO FAST

1. Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs/Fox Wknd/$ 42.5 Total/$ 67.5
2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Wknd/$ 42.5 Total/$ 293.5
3. Public Enemies/Universal Wknd/$ 26.2 Total/$ 41.0
4. The Proposal/Touchstone Wknd/$ 12.8 Total/$ 94.2
5. The Hangover/Warner Wknd/$ 10.4 Total/$ 204.2
6. Up/Disney Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 264.9
7. My Sister’s Keeper/Warner Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 26.0
8. The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3/Sony Wknd/$ 2.5 Total/$ 58.5
9. Year One/Sony Wknd/$ 2.1 Total/$ 38.1
10. Night At The Museum 2/Fox Wknd/$ 2.1 Total/$ 167.8

ONLY THE MORE SHALLOW CAN BE NUMBER ONE
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs opens at number one. Well, maybe. It’s too close to call at this point, but it’s fitting that it’s battling it out with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, because you’d be hard-pressed to find two more soulless sequels. Granted this is mere conjecture on my part because I haven’t seen Ice Age 3, but given how horrible the original was, I hardly think it’s gotten better. This is an excellent example of the superiority of the Pixar product because all the Pixar films, even those that aren’t so great (yes, Cars, I’m looking at you) come from some place personal in the filmmakers. Exactly where did the idiot plot of Ice Age come from, much less number three? This clearly came from the imagination of an accountant who thought the only thing a movie about life after dinosaurs needed was dinosaurs. Kids love them dinosaurs, so let’s get that money. Transformers, however, has shown the limits of even stupid summer movie taste with a 60% drop from last week. This means the geeks who saw the original multiple times are not so inclined this time around. But neither Bay nor Universal cares. It’s already made almost $600M worldwide, meaning it’s going to turn a profit even before DVD, which is amazing for a movie with a $200M budget.

I THINK WE CAN GUESS THE PORN TAKE-OFF TITLE OF THIS
Opening at number three is the latest from Michael Mann, Pubic Enemies, the story of John Dillinger (not to mention Babyface Nelson and a super brief Pretty Boy Floyd) and Melvin Purvis, the FBI agent chasing him. Mann usually makes good crime films that even when they don’t quite make it (I’m looking at you, Miami Vice), they’re still entertaining. When they don’t succeed on any level you have the forgettable Collateral. This, unfortunately falls closer to Collateral than Miami Vice or Heat, which it actually more resembles as we go back and forth from Johnny Depp as Dillinger to Christian Bale as Melvin Purvis, two professionals pursuing their profession, which just happens to be cops and robbers. It all seems very “surface” despite the talents of all the actors involved. You never really feel these are three-dimensional characters so much as the historical figures they are. Even the romance Dillinger has with Oscar Winner, Marion Cotillard (Mann pays homage to legend by having her show up in red, though the actual woman he’s with at the end isn’t her and is in orange), still fails to provide much depth to him. What the movie needed was a jolt of urgency, something Mann’s sprawling crime films occasionally lack because they’re so damn long and trying to cover so much. What should have been more of breathless jaunt, comes across as more leisurely stroll. It would make more sense if this were a total bio pic, following Dillinger’s whole life, but we come in with him already famous as a bank robber so this should be about the break to the finish line of his life as the FBI comes after him full force. Both Heat and Miami Vice kicked up the juice for the last thirty minutes, but staying accurate to the details of Dillinger’s life prohibits that, so it should have been applied to other scenes. If you’re not gonna go deep, you’d better go fast (go ahead and make your sex jokes, children). For all the time we spend with Melvin Purvis we don’t know a thing about him. Even Dillinger gives his love interest a brief autobiography. We never learn anything about Purvis even though casual conversation. And that’s another problem. You never get any “casual conversation” with the characters. Every single word seems to be calculated to drive the story forward and get the story across, which also robs it of depth. Digital Video, which Mann now loves, does not help. It’s a cold format, though it lets us know in no uncertain terms who is really pretty and who is not and neither Depp nor Bale suffer from its ruthless gaze.

GOOD GENES
The Proposal is down to number four and Craig T. Nelson and Mary Steenburgen play Ryan Reynolds’ parents, which is pretty much what you expect from someone who looks like him. Especially Mary Steenburgen, who is still incredibly hot after all these years. She also played Reese Witherspoon’s mom in Four Christmases, Will Ferrell’s mom in Step Brothers, which was ironically after playing his stepmother in Elf. Craig T. Nelson, however, beat her in one fell swoop by playing the father to Luke Wilson, Dermot Mulroney and Rachel McAdams in The Family Stone.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND IS THE ONLY BIG WINNER FROM LOST BOYS?
Up is down to number six, followed by My Sister’s Keeper at number seven and also in this is Jason Patric, who has had one interesting career. And by “interesting” I mean, he’s good-looking and talented enough that he keeps working after twenty years in major films, but his pretentious douchebag behavior kept him from stardom. Here you have this guy who’s one part Johnny Depp and one part Robert DeNiro, but with all their asshole behavior combined. He doesn’t really do promotion or interviews, something people who are footing the bill for a $100M film don’t appreciate. Also you can get him younger in Mark Ruffalo. Looking at his resume the man has made maybe one film every other year for the last twenty. I’m sure he’d say it was by choice, but I’m sure he’s got a Ashley Judd reputation, speaking of people who were supposed to be huge 10-15 years ago. People of a certain age will remember him most from Lost Boys. They’ll also remember he was one of Julia Roberts’ conquests and it was rumored he picked up a little heroin habit by going method on the film Rush and shared it with her. 96-97 was supposed to be the years he really blew up with Speed 2 and Sleepers, but only the people with attractive personalities like Sandra Bullock and Brad Pitt made it out of those disasters. But I won’t front. The man is awesome when it comes to make dark films with dark characters. Narc is a promise director Joe Callahan never lived up to and he’s good in it. And his portrayal of the consummate misogynist sociopath in Your Friends and Neighbors makes what Tom Cruise attempted in Magnolia a joke.

IGNORE THOSE ADAM SANDLER MOVIES IF YOU COULD TOO
The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 is down to number eight and I’m sure John Turturro would rather you think of this than Transformers when you think of his career.

I’M TELLING YOU IT’S GONNA BE THE LOUVRE
Year One is down to number nine followed by Night At The Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian finally going away, but at $361M worldwide there will be a third one. That’s both a threat and a warning.

A CAUTIONARY TALE IF YOU WILL…
So Death continues her summer rampage, going relatively young this time around with quarterback Steve McNair, best known for bringing his team back against the then dominant St. Louis Rams in the second half of the 2000 Super Bowl, fighting down to literally the last play in the last seconds of the game to almost steal victory. Sadly, it appears his 20-year-old girlfriend may have killed him. McNair was 36 and married with children. Yeah, it’s like that. Not every girl has the same reaction to the realization that “I’m going to leave her for you” is total bullshit. Some clearly don’t take it very well and an angry call to your wife becomes positively mild in comparison. Hear me now and believe me later: yes, the crazy girls are hot, but there’s always a price to be paid and when your couch is on fire her idea to ask her girlfriend from college to join you doesn’t seem all that interesting.

SATURDAY IN THE PARK, I THINK IT WAS THE FOURTH OF JULY
It was oh-so-appropriate that the weather for a Saturday Fourth of July was perfect. My bike, which I gave to the bike shop for a tune up after attempting my own repairs, was back and the cost meant we’re pushing back a return to kung-fu for another month (turns out my front derailleur was also shot and had to be replaced). But hey, it’s actually working well for the first time, since the gear shifting has always been suspect. I just had nothing to compare it to. This meant I had to work the hell out of it as soon as possible to justify the money spent. Of course I took it out Friday, having the day off (god bless corporate America) and I realized just how spoiled I am riding at night. All you fuckers decided to come out and screw up my ride, with your kids and your pets and your elderly parents crowding the joint path. Luckily, the further up I go, the less crowded it becomes. Though even that suffered on Saturday when again every fucker and his kids, pets and old folks decided to come out. Now, I’m used to the families being out cooking and throwing parties when I ride, but it was insane. It didn’t thin out until I was almost at the George Washington Bridge. And the people of color of NYC would like the city to know your rules about where we can and cannot set up a grill, are viewed more as “suggestions” which we choose to ignore. I don’t do the Upper East Side ride much any longer because it’s just so unattractive visually, but the upside is it’s usually empty as all hell and even on the Fourth this was no exception. I also decided to complete a trip I planned last year and rode over to Randall’s Island and went along the bike path there. Only about a fourth is done, but it’s still very nice. There’s even a small wetlands preserve there. Coming back I decided not to continue down the east side and instead came down Fifth Avenue along “Museum Mile” then cutting into the part just past the Met. I then rode the path back up and around the park and in doing so realized I’m the only man in the city ashamed of his man-boobs and belly, because I saw so many flabby muthafuckas just letting it all hang out. Trust me on this. Until all the gay men leave the city for the weekend, you have no idea just how many ugly, out-of-shape bastards are out there. I can only think all the men who are in good shape but are straight are actors or models and were also out of the city. I mean, where’s the shame!?! The self-awareness!?! The respect for your fellow citizens not to put that shit out there!?! The occasional gorgeous bikini-clad girl could not make up for the legions of fat bastards out on display. It’s almost enough to make a man eat right and exercise daily. Almost. Instead I’ll just keep my nudity confined to my apartment.

FOREVER IN BLUE JEANS, BABE
It’s the seventh month of the year and I bought a seventh pair of jeans. Don’t judge me, monkey. I had no choice. Another pair developed a crotch hole. I’m beginning to wonder what’s going on with my balls.