YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME

1. Fool’s Gold/Warner Wknd/$ 22.0 Total/$ 22.0
2. Welcome Home Roscoe…/Uni Wknd/$ 17.1 Total/$ 17.1
3. Hannah Montana/Disney Wknd/$ 10.5 Total/$ 53.4
4. The Eye/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 21.5
5. Juno/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 117.6
6. 27 Dresses/Fox Wknd/$ 5.7 Total/$ 65.4
7. The Bucket List/Warner Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 75.0
8. Rambo/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 36.5
9. Meet the Spartans/Fox Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 33.9
10.There Will Be Blood/ParV Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 21.1

YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME
Fool’s Gold opens at number one and if this were 20 minutes shorter, I would have seen it, because I will give up 90 minutes for almost any sort of formulaic action movie or romantic comedy. But nothing that looks this stupid should ever take up almost two hours of your life. And it has been nothing short of roasted by the critics. I guess it’s no surprise that this comes from director Andy Tennant whose work is very spotty. He does these star-filled concept romantic comedies. On his resume are Ever After (Drew Barrymore), Hitch (Will Smith), Fools Rush In (Matthew Perry and Salma Hayek) and Sweet Home Alabama (Reese Witherspoon) and yes, I did see every single one of them in the theaters. Hell, Ever After and Fools Rush are on TV every other day. But eve when they’re good (Hitch and Ever After) it’s only by a nose and are more likely to just be pleasantly mediocre. But this looks bad. It doesn’t help that it stars Matthew (Shirtless) McConaughey (and if you haven’t seen Matt Damon do his riff on that, I’ve supplied it for you) and Kate Hudson, who only have one good romantic comedy between them and that was EdTV which, if you look at it now, was ahead of it’s time in its depiction on how a reality show could make someone a star. Hell, as near as I can see, Kate Hudson has only made one good movie in her life and that was Almost Famous (which may actually be enough). But I will admit to enjoying Le Divorce on cable, as crappy as it was. My McConaughey guilty pleasure is nothing less than Sahara, which is what almost made me see this, as it looked like a similar movie.

GENERIC FAMILY COMEDY #3 NOW IN BLACK
Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins, opens at number two and there was no way in hell I was going to see this, despite the fact that I do like director Malcom Lee, whose work includes The Best Man, Undercover Brother and Roll Bounce. But those usually had some decent talent involved, including Taye Diggs, Terrance Howard and David Chappelle. Here we have Martin Lawrence, Monique, Cedric The Entertainer and Mike Epps? Sigh. What do you think went though the mind of James Earl Jones when he saw he was cast with people whose history bordered on minstrel show? As I’ve said before, I’d pay Mike Epps not to work, so if this move was DOA with the presence of Martin Lawrence, then Mike Epps was not just the nail in the coffin, but the dirt on it, the headstone and the rain that stops me from visiting. And imagine how Joy Bryant and Nicole Ari Parker must feel stepping onto a set with absolutely no attractive men to be found anywhere. Also, given we’re dealing with 60-70-something parents and 40-something kids, shouldn’t there be a bunch of teenage kids running around. Isn’t this where you should have cast Raven Symone or Chris Brown or that kid from High School Musical who looks like the bastard child of Sideshow Bob?

SLUMMING OR WHORING OR BOTH?
Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Tour is down to number three followed by The Eye at number four and also in this as Jessica Alba’s sister is…Parker Posey? Excuse me? I’m all for color-blind casting, but since we know that’s not what’s going how much of a miscast is this? I mean you’re not going to find skin more porcelain than Parker Posey (casting her as an LA vampire in Blade Trinity was oddly appropriate) and Jessica Alba seems finally accepting that she’s not a white girl judging by her recent interviews and Revlon commercials. Ironically enough, Rachel Ticotin (best known to you as the “demure, sleazy, brunette” from Total Recall) is also in this, but is not playing a relative of Jessica Alba. Another indie mainstay, Allesandro Nivola, is also in this and if you know him at all, you probably think he’s English, since he’s usually playing with an accent. He’s not but did date Rachel Weitsz (with whom he had graphic sex scenes in I Want You) and eventually married another indie queen, Emily Mortimer). Between him and Parker Posey, could it be any more obvious this was merely a paycheck movie for all involved? Something to make the car payments until they could do something worth their time?

THIS IS NOT AMERICA
Juno actually rises from six to five and you know the editors of Vanity Fair are pissed they don’t have Ellen page on the main cover of their annual Hollywood issue, but on the second fold-out page. Anne Hathaway, Emily Blunt, Amy Adams and Jessica Biel get the main cover and while it’s hard to argue they don’t deserve it, it’s even harder to argue how freaking America Ferrara of Ugly Betty couldn’t push pretty much any of them off. I mean, other than the fact she’s not thin and white, because she’s certainly got more fame and success than Emily Blunt who is still only known as the bitchy English girl from The Devil Wears Prada. They will never stop fucking that cover up. As far as I’m concerned they still haven’t lived down the infamous cover where all actresses were in their underwear, while a subsequent issue with all men had them fully clothed. But the saddest part about it is it never occurred to any of the actresses present to question it.

BETCHA DIDN’T KNOW RHINESTONE ENDED THE COLD WAR
27 Dresses is down to number six, followed by The Bucket List at number seven and Rambo at number eight and believe it or not, this is proving to be a problem with the military dictatorship of Myanmar, formerly known as Burma, the setting for this. It’s a very popular bootleg tape and DVD and the phrase “Live for nothing or die for something” is actually resonating. How afraid are you now of the world you live in? Damn right you’re scared. Scarier still, this has resulted in Stallone not just getting more movie deals, but action movie deals. He’s 62-fucking-years old!

DOES ANYONE EVEN REMEMBER DENNIS RODMAN?
Meet The Spartans is down to number nine and also in this is Carmen Electra and should we have pity on her? I do. Her entire “career”---if you can call it that---is based solely on being someone frat boys want to bone and she’s not getting any younger (she’s 36). Not to mention magazines like Maxim which were her bread and butter are dying off (all publishing is, but that’s another discussion). She’s not really an actress and I think only Prince and I remember the album he produced and wrote for her (so long ago it was pre-boob job). But obviously the producers here love her as she’s been in Scary Movie, Scary Movie 4, Date Movie, Epic Movie and now this. As long as they’re working she’ll have a job and maybe this will spare her from more humiliating enterprises like Aerobic Striptease Tapes. No, I’m not kidding (though I fully expect her to be in some sleazy “cougar” or “milf” comedies that go straight to cable or DVD). But by the same token ex-hubby Dave Navarro is now directing porn (no I didn’t see it; I don’t watch amateur work), given the extra time he’s got with no new edition of Rock Star last summer (which disappointed the hell out of me, ‘cause I love that fucking show) and the non-success of his new band.

THERE WILL BE PROCASTINATION
Finally, There Will Be Blood holds at number ten and someone has got to make me see this long, dark movie. Can I see a show of hands from volunteers? Fine. Fuck ya’ll.

PRETTY PEOPLE, NEW YORK LOCATIONS, LAME SHOW, PT 3
Lipstick Jungle premiered and the battle of the Sex & The City children is on! Now, Cashmere Mafia came from Darren Starr who developed and produced Sex & The City and so he hated author Catherine Bushnell getting any credit for its success, he pushed her aside pretty much from day one. Still, rumor has it he only developed Cashmere Mafia when she wouldn’t sell him Lipstick Jungle, not being dumb enough to be screwed by him twice (but desperate enough to fuck author of Shaft and photographer Gordon Parks when he was in his 70’s). Of the two, I prefer Lipstick Jungle. What it has going for it is it looks more like New York. Like most people who don’t have a fucking clue, Cashmere Mafia is so overfucking lit it almost looks like a Hollywood set and there are too many bright colors in their wardrobes. Here, things are darker and that’s us, baby. Also, the husband-feeling-emasculated-by-his-wife’s-success, is less of a cartoon relationship (the wife in question being Brook Shields). And while Lipstick Jungle is still just as much about the people who are making NYC more abhorrent every day (re: rich, white people) the three careers here are bit more interesting (film executive, fashion designer, magazine publisher) than the Cashmere Mafia (which has some type of finance woman, a publisher, someone in beauty products and one in the painfully unattractive job of running luxury hotels). The fashion designer is played by Lindsay Price, who with her hair down just looks like Lindsay Price, but when her hair is up she looks like a cross between Lara Flynn Boyle and Kristin Kreuk, who plays Lana Lane on Smallville. It’s very odd how that works. One reason her fashion designer is even the smallest bit interesting is that she’s currently on the decline, so they’re not all world-beaters. But watching Brooke Shields apparently “finesse” Leonardo DiCaprio into a movie is nothing short of absurdist comedy. And are we suppose to root for the wife cheating on her husband with a twentysomething who looks about the same age she is? Her husband may not be observant, but he’s not some abusive cheating asshole either, so why does he deserve this? But it’s only the first episode. Even Cashmere Mafia managed to impress the hell out of me with what they did with Lucy Liu’s character. Her mother sets up date for her with a brain surgeon (played by a model of course) and he bluntly admits that he normally doesn’t date other Asians. When she acts all aghast he asks her when she last dated an Asian guy and she has to admit it was in junior high. In a later episode, they even speak Chinese to one another. What’s funny and sad about this is that this may be the first time Lucy Liu has ever kissed another Asian man in her entire career. It remains to be seen if Lindsay Price will be acknowledged as actually being of another race, but don’t hold your breath on her kissing another Asian guy, because right now her love interest is none other than Andrew McCarthy as a slightly eccentric billionaire, who will no doubt prop up her defaulting fashion line. All that remains is for Molly Ringwald to get a TV series and the main cast of Pretty Pink will all be working simultaneously in prime time.

I STILL PREFER SGT PEPPER’S LONGELY HEART’S CLUB BAND THE MOVIE
So I didn’t see Across the Universe in the theaters, but one of the guys I worked with at the comic book store loved it beyond belief so with hours of my week no longer occupied by gym time, I rented it when it came out last week and…it wasn’t bad. Thing is, Beatles songs are so damn good you have be totally incompetent to fuck them up and these people are not incompetent. Believe it or not, a teenage girl in Ohio belting out “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” as she deals with the fact she’s in love with another girl on her cheerleading squad does work. The songs are interwoven with the story of Jude from Liverpool and Lucy from suburban America, whom he falls in love with after meeting her older brother, with whom he travels with to New York. There they eventually meet the lesbian from Ohio, whose name is Prudence. They are living with Sadie (yes, she’s sexy), Sadie’s boyfriend JoJo (ironically played my musician Martin Luther, but I guess that’s Wings anyway) when Prudence literally comes in through the bathroom window. Yeah, there are some clunkers (Bono as Dr. Roberts, I’m looking at you; Eddie Izzard as Mr. Kite too), but for the most part they use the songs of The Beatles to tell the journey of these kids through the 60’s pretty well. Oh, and never in the movie do they sing “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.” It’s over the closing credits. Yeah, didn’t make sense to me either.

IT’S NOT YOUR IMAGINATION; IT DOES GET MORE BORING EVERY YEAR
I record the Grammy then only watch the performances…Alicia Keys and Frank Sinatra. Not bad. I remember when Natalie Cole was roasted by some for “exhuming Nat King Cole” for her Unforgettable album. Now, no one blinks at it…Carrie Underwood. I don’t mind her, but it’s country so we fast-forward on principle…okay, I will stop just to watch Prince speak. Yeah, I’m that kind of sad fan. Wow, they still have R&B categories? Amazing considering Rap killed it in the 80’s. Early 90’s at the latest…Oh, shit! Jimmy Jam!?! Terry Lewis!?! Morris Day!?! THE ORIGINAL TIME LINE UP!?! OH SHIT! I’m 17-years-old again and this shit is on! What’s funny is that Prince wrote and sang on the first Time album, but later became incredibly jealous of the crowd reaction they’d get and ultimately fired Terry Lewis & Jimmy Jam for missing a show when they were off producing The SOS Band and got stranded due to weather. Hey, this is my shit....Rhianna ends my fun, ‘cause this is for today’s 17-year-olds…I love The Beatles and it’s never a bad time to hear their music, but this whole number is boring me. If I hadn’t seen Across the Universe earlier in the week I wouldn’t have known the “Let Be” sequence was taken directly from the movie…This whole American Idol style voting in just embarrasses the Academy and they really don’t need help with that…I hate that Kanye West samples Daft Punk because I love Daft Punk, but they’re a part of this because they probably made more money off his sample than they did from their original sales…I’m not a John Legend fan because I find him to be a big R&B pussy. And this is not what I want from Fergie. I already knew she could sing. I just don’t care. And she fucked up…Beyonce’s big legs. I really don’t need much more….Tina just came out to dance on Ike’s grave a little bit more. And she has every right to…I like the Foo Fighters, just not this song…Some country guy is playing and I’m not stopping to find out who it is…Aretha. The laws of this country insist that I must stop, but since it’s gospel I don’t stop for long…Am I the only person who hears Feist and keep expecting her to launch into the Oreos jingle? “O-R-E-O” But her stripped down performance was one of the better ones because it wasn’t some over-the-top production…Jesus. Did Kid Rock just redeem himself somewhat as a musician?...I’m sorry. I’ve had enough of Alicia Keys for one night. And this song didn’t deserve to win. Alicia Keys is not the best female R&B singer in any world with Keysha Cole. Only John Mayer saves this for me. It’s odd, but Black people love John Mayer…Gershwin with Herbie Hancock. Sounds good, but it just seems dull…Just remember Britney and Mary J. Blige both passed on “Umbrella”… If you made every drug addict leave, the Grammy Hall would be empty, so let’s relax over Amy Winehouse’s self-destruction. Hope she doesn’t, but she’s a freaking musician. This is what they do. And the irony of her winning for “Rehab” is just delicious…the roll call of death and there but for the grace of god Amy Winehouse and Britney aren’t on this…oh, god, opera….oh, god, classic rock…I thought Jerry Lee Lewis was dead, and wasn’t totally wrong…Will I. Am. This. Is. Awful….Herbie Hancock? Like I said, The Grammys need no help in embarrassing themselves.

SO THE MOON’S BEEN GONE FOR 9 YEARS AT THIS POINT
Roy Scheider died and will we only remember him from Jaws? Will no one remember him as the pimp from Klute or the older brother from The Marathon Man? Also Barry Morse died. Now really old people know him as Lt. Gerard from The Fugitive TV show (the character Tommy Lee Jones played in the movie) while old geeks like me remember him from the first season of Space: 1999.