DEMON ON WHEELS

1. Iron Man/Paramount Wknd/$ 50.5 Total/$ 177.1
2. Speed Racer/Warner Wknd/$ 20.2 Total/$ 20.2
3. What Happens In Vegas/Fox Wknd/$ 20.0 Total/$ 20.0
4. Made of Honor/Sony Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 26.3
5. Baby Mama/Universal Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 40.4
6. Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Univer Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 50.8
7. Harold & Kumar Escape Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 30.7
8. The Forbidden Kingdom/LGF Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 48.3
9. Nim’s Island/Fox Wknd/$ 1.3 Total/$ 44.3
10. Redbelt/SPC Wknd/$ 1.1 Total/$ 1.2

CRAP YOU’RE BETTER OFF NOT KNOWING
Iron Man holds at number one and by now the “secret” is out that after the credits there’s a scene with Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury, head of S.H.E.I.L.D. the super spy organization of Marvel Comics coming to Tony Stark about something called “The Avenger Initiative.” Whee! Geek wood! If you know anything at all about Nick Fury, you know he doesn’t look like Samuel L. Jackson. David Hasselhoff actually looked more like him in that horrible TV movie. Well, a few years ago they created a second line of Marvel Comics called “Ultimate” where they restarted everything in a more modern environment. For example, Peter Parker isn’t a photographer but a kid who works on the Daily Bugle’s website and the Hulk is still Bruce Banner, but a result of trying to re-create Captain America. He’s also much more a monster, not only killing people but he also eats them. In this “Ultimate Universe” Nick Fury was drawn looking just like Samuel L. Jackson as an “in” joke, so when they started making successful Marvel movies the question was continually asked when or if Nick Fury would appear and if Samuel L. Jackson would play him. It makes sense that he would appear in an Iron Man movie because in the comics Tony Stark was one of the people who recruited Nick Fury to be in S.H.I.E.L.D. You know, it’s knowledge like this that kept me from dating in high school and it continues to take up space in my brain that most people use for sex and social skills.

HE’S GAINING ON YOU SO YOU BETTER LOOK ALIVE!
Speed Racer opens at number two and low expectations are the key here. Given the negative buzz that’s been generated by this, I wasn’t expecting too much, so naturally when it wasn’t utter crap, I had a pretty good time. I believe the key is video games. If you’ve played video games the non-stop multi-color assault is just another day. In fact the futuristic setting and warring cars are pretty much the type of game I used to play. This is another film in the style of Sin City and 300 in that nothing was filmed in the real world, but on green screen and added later. Of course the big flaw of these movies has been the story and while Speed Racer isn’t Shakespeare, it’s not supposed to be. It’s a family film with just enough language and violence thrown in to make a “PG” and avoid the “G” kiss of death that would kept a lot of teen boys out. The story is oddly big corrupt business vs. the small honest businessman, given that it’s coming from none other than TimeWarner. Speed Racer is apparently the last honest racer in this current-day-yet-futuristic world where all cars jump and slamming into one another to win is expected (no casualties thanks to a safety device that ejects the driver in a foam bubble no matter how spectacular the explosion). The film does a good job of translating a great deal of the series to the screen, including the infamous rally races across various environments---complete with the prerequisite stop in the middle of a race for a fist fight with the bad guys. First, Speed races on a futuristic track, then in a cross-country rally, which has a great car battle scene in the desert, to the “Grand Prix” (and there’s always a Grand Prix to win on Speed Racer) on another futuristic track that’s also part obstacle course. All the character elements are here as well. Kid brother Spritle (who talks like a kid from a 40’s Dead End Kids movie), chip pal Chim Chim, mechanic Sparky (who’s now Australian), girlfriend Trixie in her helicopter (played by Christina Ricci who always looked like an anime character with her big eyes), Mom & Pops Racer (Susan Sarandon and John Goodman in the role he was born to play) and Racer X who’s secretly Speed’s older brother (played by Matthew Fox). Even Inspector Detector is here. And for geek purists like me they even throw in Speed doing a few of his orgasmic “Ohs” and “Ahs while racing. And yes, he does the opening credits free frame when he jumps out of the car. Sorry, no Car Acrobatic Team. If anything the flaw is the very bland Emile Hirsch as Speed. It only makes you wonder what this would have been like if Johnny Depp had played him when this was announced years ago. Maybe he would have done him as Elvis, whom Speed was pretty much drawn as.

WHAT HAPPENS IN A LAME SCREENPLAY SHOULD ONLY STAY A SCREENPLAY
What Happens In Vegas is another place where low expectations come in handy, as this is a by-the-numbers romantic comedy. Expect crap and this barely competent production isn’t the worst way you can spend 90 minutes with a decent looking cast and at least one truly funny supporting cast member in Rob Corddry. Cameron Diaz is a type-A Wall Streeter who gets dumped by her boyfriend in front of all their friends and Ashton Kutcher is a slacker who gets fired by his own father. They both wind up in Vegas to drown their sorrows and get married while drunk. Annulment plans are disrupted when Kutcher wins $3M dollars at a slot machine and they are refused a divorce unless they submit to a court supervised marriage for six months. I think we know how this works. Opposites fight, then attract and over six months they learn to actually love one another. It’s not awful and I have seen worse, but what’s frustrating about this type of cookie-cutter movie is just an ounce or more of actual effort would have made it a decent film. Especially when Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher are not without charm or comedic skills. Though nothing can save you from a director with no visual sense whatsoever. You have to be particularly untalented to film in both Las Vegas and New York City and still make them look like studio sets. This director is one such person. I won’t even get into having a star couple like this and not giving us at least a PG13 sex scene. Nobody goes to the movies to see pretty people shake hands. But it’s not totally without humor and does have Rob Corddry who makes the most of his limited role as best friend (while Zach Galifianakis and Jason Sudeikis are totally wasted).

IF HE’S NOT SCOTTISH, HE’S CRAP!
Made of Honor is down to number four and another reason to dislike this movie is that they have the nerve to cast none other than Kevin McKidd in the Ralph Bellamy role as the guy who loses the girl, when anyone can tell you Lucius Vorenus does not loose women to fucking McDreamy! And take into account HE ACTUALLY GETS TO USE HIS SCOTTISH ACCENT! Yeah, this is bordering on science fiction. And do I have to point out that he’s only 3 years older than Michelle Monaghan, while McDreamy is a full decade her senior.

THAT GENE IS NO SLOUCH EITHER
Baby Mama is down to number five and also in this is Maura Tierney who is perfectly cast as Tina Fey’s sister. I say perfectly because that I adore them both. Granted not enough to watch Maura Tierney on e.r. (yes, it’s still on the air), but the impression she made on me as Lisa on Newsradio remains unaffected by time. That they would be sisters is pretty much a geek’s sex fantasy. Also, Holland Taylor pulls in front of Blythe Danner as playing the mom of the most stars, as she’s their mother in this.

EVERYONE IS WORKING BUT JOE PISCAPO…WHICH IS HOW IT SHOULD BE
Forgetting Sarah Marshall is down to number six and with a $50M box office, it could be the Apatow gravy train is finally coming to the end of the line having yet to double it’s budget. Also in this is Bill Hader and between this, Baby Mama and What Happens in Vegas you have no less than five SNL members in the top ten. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that you also have two sink peeing scenes and two instances of something being expelled from an orifice into a woman’s purse. Classy comedy, sirs. Classy comedy.

THE LAST REMNANTS OF SPRING
Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay is down to number seven, followed by The Forbidden Kingdom at number eight, and Nim’s Island at number nine.

WHAT IF GODDARD DIRECTED ENTER THE DRAGON?
Finally jumping into the top ten at number ten is Redbelt, which is looking like an action movie for pretentious pseudo intellectuals, all of whom tend to study martial arts at some point in their lives, usually during their “eastern culture phase” (which is just code for “trying to sleep with Asian women”). Redbelt allows them to get all the ass-kicking pleasure of an action film, while laboring under the delusion that it’s somehow superior to Five Fingers of Death, when we know that’s just impossible!

THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS EYES
So, after seeing Speed Racer I came home and broke out my DVD of the TV series and was initially surprised at how crude the animation was. In my child memory it’s as perfect as any Disney film. But, as I continued to watch I was actually surprised to see that the Mammoth Car still scares me a little with that weird noise it used to make and when it circled like a snake around Speed and Trixie, sending them to the bottom of Lake Icy Chill (no, I’m not making that name up) when they tried to jump free. It was long week to wait until they got out, but worth it when the Mammoth Car melted to reveal it was actually made of the stolen gold! What sucks about the DVD’s is that there is no set in the US, just 5 separate DVD’s and the fact that the movie didn’t go gangbusters isn’t going to cause one to be released. It sucks, because a set would probably top out at $30 and this is a total of $50. Is it really worth it for me to hear “Melange still races!”

SO MANY HEADS TO KICK, SO LITTLE TIME
Okay, so the votes are in and I’m surprised that the majority of you think I should just go back to swimming. Obviously you are trying to keep me fat, because even at three times a week of weight-training and swimming the gut would not leave. I was threatening to become one of those short guys who goes wide because he can’t go up. You also are trying to prevent me from being able to kick people in the head. This is what I’ve been missing since 1988 and what I sorely need every time some idiot says something like, “I liked Michael Keaton as Batman,” or “Ghost Rider was excellent!” Head-kickings needed, all around. My real friends would support me in this need to dispense justice. So, I’m going to roll with the number two choice, Hung Ga (not “gar” like I mistakenly wrote). But I’m going to wait a week to start mid-month so when they milk me for the uniform (it’d be cheaper for me to just buy my own gear, but they never let you do that) I’ll only have to pay for half the month.

BE CAREFUL, BARRY MANILOW
Death comes for easy listening of the 70’s with none other than Paul Davis or “ Cool Life” “’65 Love Affair” “I Go Crazy” (the song you probably confuse with “Baby Come Back” by Player and “How Much I Feel” by Ambrosia because they’re pretty much the same sentiment told the same way) and “Sweet Life.” Also Al Wilson of “Show & Tell” fame also passed and so did Danny Federici, the keyboardist of Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band.