GEEK GODDESSES

1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua/Disney Wknd/$ 17.0 Total/$ 52.5
2. Quarantine/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 14.2 Total/$ 14.2
3. Body of Lies/Warners Wknd/$ 13.1 Total/$ 13.1
4. Eagle Eye/Par-DW Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 70.6
5. Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist/Sony Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 20.8
6. The Express/Universal Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 4.7
7. Nights In Rodanthe/Warner Wknd/$ 4.6 Total/$ 32.4
8. Appaloosa/WB Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 10.9
9. The Duchess/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 5.6
10. City of Ember/Fox Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 3.2

DOG EAT OLD DOG WORLD
Beverly Hills Chihuahua hangs on to number one and lets take a look at the cast to see who needed a quick payday and who’s struggling to stay relevant. Probably the only person who didn’t need this job was Drew Barrymore, but I cannot help but be amused that when Latinos are regularly replaced on film by Italians and Jews, in a movie where the dogs have to be Latin, they pretty went authentic with the cast consisting of Andy Garcia, George Lopez, Luis Guzman, Cheech Marin, Edward James Olmos and fucking Placido Domingo!?! Actually appearing onscreen are Piper Perabo who may never escape the taint of her would-be breakout film Coyote Ugly (which is sad because she’s not totally without talent) and Jamie Lee Curtis whose second career is now talking about how she’s aging in Hollywood without shame. Yeah, and without a lot of first rate work. Not that I begrudge her some bitterness, because Hollywood is a ruthless place, especially when it comes to aging, but she came from a Hollywood family (Janet Leigh and Tony Curtis and didn’t get either of their looks) so she knew the score going in. What’s more, when she had her brief moment in the sun, what exactly did she do to enact change? Nothing. She bought into the machine, the machine used her and spit her out and now she wants to talk about what’s wrong with it. And while I can even understand regretting doing nude scenes, what she doesn’t regret is the degrading scene from True Lies where she’s forced to strip not knowing that her husband is behind it. That’s all well and good, but that wonderful boob shot from Trading Places is apparently awful.

BABY WANNA EAT YOUR FACE
Quarantine opens at number two and you can thank fucking Cloverfield for bringing back the “shaky POV” cam back from the dead where The Blair Witch Project left it. Needless to say, I will never see this. Shaky nausea-inducing cam and the scary? I think not. I broke my rule for Cloverfield because it had a giant monster lived to regret it. I won’t make that mistake again for vampires or rabies or whatever the hell is in the building. And why would you go when you see the closest thing the movie has to a main character so obviously die in the commercial!?! And there’s the monster baby you also obviously see. Nothing’s as creepy as an evil baby, so you can keep this shit.

BALL OF CONFUSION
Body of Lies opens a number three and you know why? Because no one has the slightest clue as to what this fucking movie is about. Only that it stars Russell Crowe and Leonardo DiCaprio and has something to do with terrorism. The trailer made no fucking sense at all and by the time they recut it and made new commercials, it was too late. It doesn’t even have an interesting title! This could be about banking or cheating spouses. And leave it to Ridley Scott to be so arrogant as to think his movie about terrorism is somehow going to do better than the last 20 that have all come out and been subsequently ignored by the moviegoing populace. And apparently he’s not going to stop until he’s dones as much to destroy Russell Crowe’s career as he’s done to help it. In return for Gladiator (which sucked, by the way) he’s done A Very Good Year (which sucked even more but this time people noticed), American Gangster (much ado about nothing) and now this. Back away from Ridley Scott, Russell. Back away. At least Leonardo DiCaprio has an excuse. Martin Scorcese is making another gangster movie with Robert DeNiro. They always go back their first loves, Leo.

YOU’D THINK GEEKS WOULD BE DIFFERENT BUT YOU’D BE WRONG
Eagle Eye is down to number four and also in this is Rosario Dawson, who is oddly not the geek girl icon that friggin’ Kristen Bell is. Now how Kristin Bell could achieve geek goddess status with just Veronica Mars is beyond me. Never, ever, ever underestimate the power of being thin and blonde. I mean, Rosario Dawson was in Sin City, writes and stars in her own comic book and has science fiction show online. Not to mention she was willing to say “Ass-to-mouth is sometimes okay” onscreen in Clerks II (and I still believe the only reason the movie was made was because Kevin Smith wanted to hear her say that) and has tremendous boobs that she has shown onscreen (actually she did full frontal nudity)! But this is nothing compare to being a skinny, blonde white chick, because Kristen Stewart won’t even take her top off, but yet she rules.

NYC: DIRTY, DANGEROUS AND DAMNIT, THAT’S HOW WE LIKE IT!
Speaking of Kristen Bell, her next movie is called When In Rome and one of her co-stars is Alexis Dziena, who is also in Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist, down to number five. She’s the bad girl in this is and is best known for her full frontal nude scene in Broken Flowers (which proved that you can still use it to shock people and make a point if you know what you’re doing). And given she’s a New Yorker born and raised, I’m surprised she didn’t say something to the filmmakers about the mistakes made, not the least of which is the predictable scene where Nick momentarily gets back together with his bad girl girlfriend. While she does a rumpshaking dance in and on-top of his car (to Hot Chocolate's "You Sexy Thing") he predicatably decides such carnal promise isn’t worth the genuine connection he has with Nora and drives off---leaving her alone in a deserted area on the west side at four in the morning. Maybe I’m just old and cranky (okay, so no maybes about it) but I couldn’t help but think of what happened in the real world when a girl from New Jersey in the city to party got raped a killed when she got lost along a part of the west side. This pretty much makes his character a douchebag to abandon her like that. Especially when she was dancing for him. It would have been on thing if she had taken him to another party with her friends and ignored him, so he left. No, she’s trying to entice him and he abandons her. Even worse, the director is a New Yorker born and bred as well and was responsible for the very promising Raising Victor Vargas. He really should have known better. Now you damn kids get off my lawn.

NEXT UP: A TRIUMPHANT STORY OF BADMITON!
The Express opens at number six and apparently we will never run out of inspiring true life sports stories. But at least this one is about football and not some friggin’ golf game or soccer match in the 50’s. Oh, and there’s also some teen movie out about rugby with Dan from Gossip Girl for those people who have been clamoring for more teen rugby movies. This is about the first Black man to win the Heisman Trophy, only to sadly die a little while later, which is why you’ve never heard of him and thought for the longest time it was his classmate, Jim Brown. And why is it real life sports stories tend to have these depressing endings? Doesn’t anyone triumph then go on to live happily ever after? Whenever you hear of a movie about some triumphant sports event you’d never heard of previously, you dread those titles at the end that tell you “After achieving the greatest triumph in the world, Matty Diamond was killed in a car accident on his way to buy drugs he’d become addicted to after falling into a life of prostitution when he was cut from the team a after losing his leg in tragic encounter with a gopher. The gopher was never found.”

THOUGH KNOWING YOU WRITE TRASH SHOULD STOP YOU FROM DOING IT
Nights in Rodainthe is down to number seven and I will give Nicholas Sparks credit: he flat out admits his books were a contrived effort to make a lot of cash, suggesting that even he knows they’re crap..

EVERY GIRL CAN’T SING THE BALLAD OF LITTLE JO
Appaloosa is down to number eight and maybe one day someone will make another revisionsist western about a character like Renee Zellweger’s, who believes that the only way she’s going to survive in the west without being a whore is to always attach herself to the alpha male. It’s not a belief without merit so it’s not an uninteresting story. But like I said before, it’s really got no place in a traditional western. It’s something you’d expect to see on Deadwood. Sorry, it’s something you’d expect to see on Deadwood, you cocksucker.

IF YOUR WIFE HAS GONE AND TAKEN ALL YOUR LOOT/WHO YA GONNA CALL?
The Duchess enters the top ten number nine, followed by City of Ember opening at number ten and apparently this is some well-regarded kiddie sci-fi. Well, I ain’t no kid and even when I was a kid watching other kids in science fiction movies really didn’t interest me because I knew it would be candy-ass on the danger and excitement. No one would really suffer or die because it was a kid’s movie in the end. Plus, there was zero hope of any nudity. That said, how strange is it to find Bill Murray here. Now this is the indulgence of a star and not one in damage control of their career. Though I am dismayed at his willingness to restart Ghostbusters, especially since he really didn’t want to do the sequel and it was clear in how he sleepwalked through it. He says now enough time has passed and he’s over it. Personally, I’m thinking he had to pay his wife off big time for the divorce and is looking to recoup. We’ll know if I’m right if a sequel to Stripes crosses his lips.

I JUST FLEW IN AND BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED
So, this weekend was the culmination of the last four months of riding. I took advanatage of our dwindling nice days to circle the entire city of Manhattan. Starting at my apartment, I went up the West Side to the end of the bike path, crossed over on Dyckman Street to the East Side, came down until I hit the Queensborough Bridge, went into Queens, came back, continued down 1st Avenue because there is no bike path until the 30’s, went down to the East Village where I stopped to briefly see Dorito Cheeseburger Woman (Karyn Plonsky) who was working a street fair on East 4th Street, got back on the bike path at the Williamsburg Bridge and rode it until I got back home. Now, I thought my legs would be killing me, but they were okay. My crotch on the other hand… I’ve now been over five bridges, including Queensboro, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Williamsburg and George Washington. I don’t think I need hit the smaller ones like the Triboro. I guess the only new thing that interests me now is the bike path around Roosevelt Island. And will the smoking hot women jogging please stop!?! You’d think Lower East Side hipsters would be the last people working out, but the firm short-haired blonde with the large dragon tattoo rising up from her ankle (I don’t want to think how much that hurt) jogging says you’re wrong.

EVER MEET SOMEONE SO SMART THEY WERE STUPID?
The 11th Hour started last week and it was as crappy as anything you’d expect from Jerry Bruckheimer. Essentially a less conspiratorial version of Fringe, it also has the advantage of a prettier blonde F.B.I. Agent (Mary Shelton, who looks like Heather Graham’s less sexy younger sister), Rufus Sewell and no Pacey whatsoever. I knew it was going to be lame, but had no idea how lame until in the first five minutes I saw a deputy sheriff pick up a red medical waste container marked “Infectious” with the red warning label AND OPEN IT UP! Because, you know, that’s what you’d do with something like that. And it wasn’t part of the plot that he’d open it up and expose himself to something to advance the plot. No, it just happened because this show is stupid. This has as much to do with real science as CSI has to do with real forensic police work. Granted that’s now why you’re watching, but it would be nice not to have your intelligence insulted by a show that’s supposed to be about really smart people.