A VIEW FROM THE TOP

SATAN’S WORKING CLASS LOYALTIES

The Rite opens at number one and notice how it’s only in movies where white, educated, upper-middle-class people get possessed by the devil. In real life it’s minority, uneducated, working-class, heavily religious people who always show up on those TV shows about “actual possessions.” In other words, the people most likely not to seek medical attention or understand what schizophrenia is. I mean if you’re Satan don’t you want to grab someone who could a) actually affect the lives of others and b) won’t think immediately to go get a priest? And while grabbing a priest like the movie suggests is what happens seems “clever” and “ironic” it’s actually as dumb as the usual tact of grabbing the 9-year-old daughter of a migrant worker. Better to grab an agnostic head of a television network and try to influence millions with really, really bad TV. Which may have already happened, because how the fuck else does The World According To Jim run for half a decade?

NOTHING’S MORE AUTHENTIC THAN A BARE BREAST

No Strings Attached is down to number two and aside from the obvious reasons of this sucking, one that personally annoys me is this bullshit of doing an explicit R-rated comedy but with no nudity. What the fuck? Are you concerned about your craft or not, Natalie Portman? I mean, to her credit it’s consistent. She wouldn’t do it for the movie that got her nominated for an Oscar and she’s not doing it here, but I still call bullshit on any and all sex scenes where a woman keeps a bra on. If you can’t fulfill the requirements of the role, let someone less shy and more respectful of the work step in.

REAL MEN USE SQUIBS!

The Mechanic opens at number three and while I never saw the Charles Bronson original, I find it a touch sad that kids today don’t know what an action icon the man once was. His name was synonymous with violence in our society. Now, he’s just one of the guys from The Magnificent Seven. That said, never underestimate how good actors and a little character development can improve an action film. Ben Foster as Donald Sutherland’s wastrel---probably violent sociopath---son who goes into the family business of assassination elevates this movie considerably. Prone to impulse and bad judgment he lends this movie a suspenseful edge because you know he’s going to fuck up and ruin the cold, professional work of Jason Statham, but you don’t know exactly when and where he’s going to do it. Otherwise you have another generic story of super-cool professional assassin betrayed by his bosses, goes for revenge, blah-blah-blah. Probably due to the original source, this has a near-70’s edge to it of gratuitous sex and violence. The only thing that derails it at times is the use of CGI at every seeming opportunity. God forbid you let some fucking stuntmen earn their pay on the top of a Chicago skyscraper or the SFX guys build an actual head that explodes like it was shot. No, we have to have clearly obvious greenscreens and digital blood spatters. Man up, Hollywood!

BECAUSE YOU CAN’T PUT A PRICE ON GOOD WEED

The Green Hornet is down to number four and really, Cameron Diaz? Third lead behind Seth Rogen and an Asian actor no one knows? This must have been a lot of money for about two days work for you to be here. Or, Rogen hooked you up with some really good weed and you owed him. I’m thinking the latter.

PSSST! MEMBERS OF THE BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY RARELY LOOK LIKE MOVIE STARS!

The King’s Speech is down to number five and also in this is Guy Pearce, all but stealing scenes as the wastrel Nazi-sympathizing and eventually abdicating Prince Edward, but only two of those three are in the movie and it’s come under fire for ignoring how Edward was German-friendly and Churchill was a die-hard supporter of him despite it. Well, it’s not about Churchill or Edward so get the fuck over it. It’s also a dramatic story, not a fucking history lesson. If you’re dumb enough to get your facts from movies then you’ve got bigger problems than historical inaccuracy or not understanding the term “dramatic license.”

AND SHE’S A DAMN SIGHT BETTER THAN NATALIE PORTMAN

True Grit is down to number six and Hailee Steinfeld is the fucking lead of this movie. Her Best Supporting Actress nod is studio bullshit hedging their bets by with the age-old practice of shoehorning actors into the categories where they have a better chance of winning.

FUCK YOUR CAREER GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW

The Dilemma is down to number seven, followed by Black Swan at number eight and Winona Ryder is in both. Clearly she’s starting to work again, but sadly no longer in leading roles and not getting the hot dudes and when she does it’s part of a joke because she’s also married to someone like Kevin James. Also, the Black Swan is an unintended statement of her place in Hollywood. There was a time she was the crush of an entire generation (that would be “X”) just as Natalie Portman is now. Now her roles can best be described as “blowsy.” The hard-drinking promiscuous aunt of the lead character roles. Yeah, you know ‘em. Well, at least even at her most desperate they never did that damned Heathers sequel they kept talking about.

I’D MAKE A LIL’ ABNER JOKE, BUT NONE OF YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH TO GET IT

The Fighter is down to number nine and again, this is drama, not a documentary---which is a good thing for the sisters of Mark Walberg’s character, because they are basically white trash cartoons in this movie. One of the actresses I actually recognize from playing a variation on this years ago, as “Italian Girl In The Background” in Goodfellas. She was also one of Madonna’s girlfriends in the “Papa Don’t Preach” video and has the sad infamy of being the girl who blows Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant.

YOU KNOW, SOMETHING YOU REGRET THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN FUN THAT WON’T GO AWAY?

Finally, Hollywood’s version of a cinematic venereal disease, Yogi Bear, hangs around at number ten.

NO ONE TOLD YOU IT WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY

I got Showtime back solely because I love to hate on Californication. Fortunately, it doesn’t feel like a total waste because Episodes is actually funny. It’s a sitcom about two British writers who are asked to reproduce their hit English show in Hollywood with predictably disastrous results. Matt LaBlanc stars as (I hope for his sake) a slightly more obnoxious version of himself, yet not a total cartoon character. I wonder if he finally realizes from the quality of these scripts how much “friends” sucked? Fairly Legal had me the moment they cast Sara Shahi in San Francisco, but it’s spectacularly clichéd and mediocre. She’s a lawyer---oh, no! twist---she was a lawyer, but now she’s a mediator who hates the legal system, but of course finds herself drawn into cases that she’s mediating, seeing things that no one else does because no one else cares as much. And of course she constantly gets drawn into mediating in the street for ordinary people like cab driver vs. bicyclist or shop owner vs. guy trying to rob him. It’s. Awful. The highlight of the first two episode as been her coming out of her houseboat (get it!?! it’s quirky!) braless into the cold harbor air and then realizing her nipples were clearly visible she goes back in to put on a sweater. Aside from the cheap thrills that was a genuine moment in 45 minutes of artifice and contrivance.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

Okay, that picture is from Casey Jordan, one of the porn stars paid to hang out with Charlie Sheen. Okay, first, what kind of celebrity has to “pay” a porn star to hang out with them? If that isn’t a clue to how far you’ve fallen, then I don’t know what it is. I guarantee you no male member of the Gossip Girl cast would have to pay a porn star to hang out with him. Secondly, he didn’t have sex with them. He would instead drink, do drugs and watch porn in his home theater and talk about it with them. Finally, that photo is…actually pretty good. The composition is strong and it tells a story, summing up the entirely of Charlie Sheen’s life. Honey, you don’t have to suck dick for a living. You can be behind camera…capturing other people sucking dick.

THE POSTMAN MAY NOT HAVE STOPPED, BUT DEATH SURELY DID

Death continues taking Gladys Horton of The Marvelettes. She sang lead on their most famous track, “Please Mr. Postman” and if you don’t have their Greatest Hits you’re missing some great stuff.

YOU READ IT HERE FIRST

There is no greater enemy than Haagen Daz Dark Chocolate ice cream. Not since the late Ben & Jerry’s Deep Chocolate Fudge (which was chocolate ice cream with a thick fudge swirl in the middle) has there been such a threat to me seeing my own feet. And fucking Food Emporium keeps putting on sale! Usually being cheap saves me from my baser impulses.