I'M YOUR PUSHER

1. He’s Just Not That Into You/WB Wknd/$ 27.5 Total/$ 27.5
2. Taken/Fox Wknd/$ 20.3 Total/$ 53.4
3. Coraline/Focus Wknd/$ 16.3 Total/$ 16.3
4. The Pink Panther 2/Sony Wknd/$ 12.0 Total/$ 12.0
5. Paul Blart: Mall Cop/Sony Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 97.0
6. Push/Summit Wknd/$ 10.2 Total/$ 10.2
7. Grand Torino/Warner Wknd/$ 7.4 Total/$ 120.3
8. Slumdog Millionaire/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 7.4 Total/$ 77.4
9. The Uninvited/Paramount Wknd/$ 6.4 Total/$ 18.4
10. Hotel for Dogs/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 55.2

IT’S JUST NOT A GOOD MOVIE
Opening strong at number one is He’s Just Not That Into You, which is based on a book of the same name, which in turn came from an episode of Sex & The City. What’s sad about this phenomena is that it even had to exist. That women had to be told when they were being blown off. This movie has been on the shitlist of Jezebel.com for months now specifically because it looked just like any other dumb romantic comedy with sad, doormat women and clueless, piggish men. Well, I wish I could say they were wrong. Now, it’s not the worst movie in the world, but if it didn’t have this all-star cast, we wouldn’t be talking about it now, because there’s nothing going on here. A movie about a girl having to learn when men were being jerks and how to walk away isn’t a bad idea, but this execution leaves a lot to be desired, and spreading this message out amongst four different storylines with five vaguely connected women was not the wisest choice. Ginnifer Goodwin, Jennifer Connelly and Jennifer Anniston are all working at an ad agency (Jennifer Inc?) while Drew Barrymore is Scarlett Johansson’s friend and Scarlett is actually part of Jennifer Connelly’s storyline. Jennifer Connelly is married to Bradley Cooper who begins falling for Scarlett Johansson, but since he married her there are no mixed signals there, nor does he ever lie to Scarlett Johansson about being married. Why is this here and being given a central focus? It has nothing to do with the main idea of the story, of men being pretty plain about their intentions and women refusing to acknowlege it. It’s like they realized how slim their idea was and threw in other stuff to try and flesh it out. Well, you failed. And making one of the male characters “a girl” by not realizing “she’s just not that into him” doesn’t win you progressive or irony points. It also fails the central concept by filling the movie with nice guy characters WHEN THE VERY CONCEPT REQUIRES MEN TO BE JERKS. They make a big deal about myth of the jerk who becomes a nice guy (who is always a friend of a friend you once heard of) and how that’s the exception and not the rule but they have to make these guys the exception and not the rule or you don’t have a romantic comedy. So it’s fighting itself from the beginning. This needed another draft or twenty before being made…not that it should have been made at all given it’s a friggin’ self-help book. What next, an adaptation of I’m Okay, You’re Okay?

FIGHT FOR AMERICA, YOU FOREIGN BASTARDS
Taken is down to number two and also in this is Famke Janssen as Liam Neeson’s ex-wife who, of course, has to be taken down a peg for daring to be happily re-married to a rich guy and pissed that her ex-husband wasn’t around during their marriage. It’s a waste of her because a better movie would have been that she was also CIA but left when their daughter was born and was pissed because he refused to do the same. Then the both of them could have torn a bloody path through Paris and instead of a xenophobic patriarchal fantasy, it could have just been a xenophobic all-opportunity fantasy---ironically starring two people who aren’t even Americans (Neeson is Irish and Janssen is Dutch).

SWEET CORALINE
Coraline opens at number three and I’d planned on seeing this purely because it was at the Zigfeld, but something strange happened which makes me think senility has set in early: I decided I’d rather be out riding my bike in sun in a break from our last two months of below-freezing weather. Me. Choosing outside physical activity above not just seeing a movie, but an animated 3-D! What’s wrong with me!?! Then I remembered it wasn’t just any movie, but friggin’ Tim Burton and another one of his gothic fairy tale movies (The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Corpse Bride) and I fucking hate Tim Burton and his whole “I was a strange kid” routine. Yeah, now you’re a millionaire who only dates models and actresses, so your goth street cred is bullshit. The fact that Neil Gaiman wrote the book this was based on didn’t help sway me either. I stuck with my decision go riding and come back covered with mud and salt. Twas glorious.

THE UNFUNNY THAT SHALL NOT SPEAK ITS NAME
The Pink Panther 2 opens at number four and I think it would be better for all of us if we just pretend this franchise died with Peter Sellers and move on. In fact, let’s pretend even he only made one of these.

I’M YO’ MAMA, I’M YO’ DADDY, I’M THAT TELEKINETIC IN THE ALLEY…
Paul Blart Mall Cop is down to number five, followed by Push opening at number six and this is basically The X-Men meets Scanners meets The Fury meets Firestarter as it’s about people with powers which the governments of the world then attempt to amplify and control. They’ve apparently been doing this since the end of WWII when they learned the Nazis were trying to do it. Every government has a “division” that runs this program that people with abilities are either working for or running from. Chris Evans (who played The Human Torch in the Fantastic Four movies) seems to be doomed to making superhero movies with good concepts that are poorly executed. The idea is okay if not a bit muddled and the look is great (something I can’t say for The Fantastic Four)---setting it in the colorful chaos of Hong Kong was inspired---unfortunately, it winds up not making a lot of sense. Chris Evans loses his father to Division in the opening moments and he’s supposedly on the run all his life to keep from working for them, but they find him immediately, question him and then leave. Huh? If you don’t have to work for Division, why the hell is he living like this? The idea set up at the very beginning is either you work for your government or you die is thrown out the window immediately, trashing a great suspenseful dramatic status quo, not to mention making no sense at all. Then Dakota Fanning shows up as a “watcher” meaning she can see the future and he’s supposed to help her find the girl who was Division’s one successful attempt at augmenting powers, who just happens to be his ex-girlfriend. Apparently finding her will help free Fanning’s mom who is supposed the greatest “watcher” ever having predicted most of the events in this movie---which means she’s pretty good, because it follows no logic otherwise known to man. Even the subplot of Chris Evans slowly developing his powers isn’t really utilized as he spends most of the movie getting his ass kicked by a guy who does know how to use his powers. And one of the major motivations of one of the characters remains unfulfilled at the end, making this feel like one big pilot for a TV series.

THE REST
Slumdog Millionaire is down to number seven, followed by Grand Torino at number eight, The Uninvited at number nine and Hotel For Dogs closing out the top ten

SO, WHERE’S WHAT I’VE BEEN UP TO
Unlike most of you who take me for granted, my Star Sister did notice that for the last few weeks, I’ve been including no personal anecdotes. It’s not that I’ve been any more of a shut in than usual (it may not be possible and still be legally considered alive), it’s just that I’ve been lazy, so I didn’t talk about karaoke night with the Jezebels when it was 12 degrees outside and fate felt free to mock me yet again with a beautiful young girl who not only identified Prince when I could not (the sound in the place was horrible) but told me she couldn’t stay because she had to go home and watch Battlestar Galactica. Believe me when I say, when I was 25 there were no women going home early to watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. I also didn’t mention my time with Chasing Amy who pointed out that one of the Jezebels I thought was a dude was in fact a girl (but by her own admission this happens all the time) or how I helped her [Chasing Amy] sort through her cyberdating prospects while we watched the Super Bowl and once again yet another one of my female friends realized that yes, I am a guy. I like nice cars and I scream at the TV during sporting events. It’s not all shoe shopping and romantic comedies with me. And did you really want to hear about my kung-fu class putting on an outdoor exhibition that very same morning that I strangely found myself a part of? But for some reason I do feel the need to mention my actual attendance at the New York ComicCon at the Jacob Javitz Center this weekend. Now, I never go to conventions because I am a self-hating geek, but the only thing I hate more than myself is another geek. Especially geeks in ugly costumes. Jesus. Buy a fucking mask, don’t just paint the goddamn thing on! And an entire booth selling corsets? Sigh. I’d claim not to understand slutwear being sold at a comic book convention, but I’d be lying. But my boy, O.G. (Original Geek) came up from Atlanta to attend as he was on a panel and trying to do interviews for his comics podcast. I had to go for that, though he insisted I didn’t. He knew I’d probably embarrass him by screaming out dumb questions from the back (“Have any of you ever kissed at girl!?!”). Lucky for him, his panel was at the same time as the Superman panel where all the writers and artists for the Superman books were talking about upcoming storylines. Because I am the Angriest Geek In The World, I took the opportunity to insult one of the writers of the books and let him know I stopped buying it because of his work. Specifically, he had Superman talking about how exotic he thought a dead female superhero was. Yes, Superman, the biggest boy scout is talking about how hot a dead chick is, reducing a fallen comrade to her looks. Then, he had Lois Lane jealous of another female superhero because she wore…fishnets. Yeah, she’s okay with Wonder Woman, but fishnets send her into a tizzy. That’s like saying you’re not bothered by your husband working with Angelina Jolie, but Jennifer Anniston is a threat. Basically, women are either “dead and hot” or “alive and annoying.” But the geeks being the sad fuckers they are, offered only praise for the work, as every question began with thanks for making Superman so wonderful. It’s better now than it’s been in years, but it ain’t wonderful (for that you need Grant Morrison). After that we had lunch at Burgers and Cupcakes where half the convention seemed to going. I had a goat cheese cheeseburger and it was good (and it better be coming from Mitchel London Foods). They went back to the convention to work the attendees for possible interviews. I, however, went home to watch ESPN and take a nap before returning for the 8:30 world premiere of the Wonder Woman animated movie. They were showing this in one of the larger level room where two screens were situated on either side of a stage where hopefully the cast and crew would speak afterwards (only the three main creators came). Because only one of the screens has been turned on, one side was pretty much empty so I grabbed some choice real estate there to wait on my friends. I got more than I bargained for when some of the staff of St. Mark’s Comics saw me and rushed over and soon we had a whole row of geekdom for the movie…and it was awesome, due in no small part to Nathan Fillion as the voice of Steve Trevor and a pretty mature attitude overall. Let me put it this way, when the film begins Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons (and Wonder Woman’s mother) is fighting Ares, the Greek god of war and one of her insults is that she hopes he’s better on the battlefield than he was in bed. Also, when Steve Trevor crash lands on Themeyscria (aka, Paradise Island) and is captured the lasso of truth accidentally compels him to admit that he thinks Wonder Woman has nice breasts. But it’s really in the action where it reveal it’s not your Saturday morning cartoon Wonder Woman with battle scenes where death and decapitations begin and end the movie. I never thought in a million years Felicity could do this, but Keri Russell does a pretty good job as Wonder Woman (though she couldn’t make it in from Brooklyn for the panel). The rest of the vocal cast includes Virginia Madsen, Rosario Dawson, Oliver Platt and Alfred Molina. The story isn’t perfect (Steve Trevor is shot down and returns and no one needs to talk to him?), but it is 75 minutes of a good time and given Wonder Woman is held in such little regard that Green Lantern is going to get a movie before her, this may be all that you get.

LOOK AT WHAT’S HAPPENED TO ME/I CAN’T BELIEVE MYSELF
Sad convention moment: William Katt and Robert Culp talking at adjoining tables with absolutely no lines in front of them.

IF YOU THOUGHT MUSIC COULD NEVER BE BORING, YOU WERE WRONG
I came in late for the Grammys (and by that I mean I didn’t start recording it for later viewing until 8:15), so I missed Justin Timberlake and Al Green. I suppose I should be grateful…Coldplay bores me and not even Jay-Z can change that. But I do like that “Viva la Vida” song. Too bad he lacks the exciting stage presence to pull it off. I’ve met Bono and friend, you’re no Bono…how much do I hate myself for liking that Carrie Underwood song “I Don’t Even Know His Last Name”? Actually this started last year when I was back down south for my cousin’s wedding, but now I have own up to it. And it’s always hot to see a woman wail on guitar…I’m ignoring the awards because who really cares…Kid Rock sucks. And I mean sucks. Have you ever listened to his crappy lyrics? Just sucks…Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus. Sorry, but this not only won’t make more young people watch this, but it may drive away the few old people still watching…I feel for Jennifer Hudson and she can sing, but that doesn’t make this song any less boring…the Grammys deserve to die for pairing the Jonas Brothers with Stevie Wonder. Their reed-thin voices are horrific! If you need to understand why they suck, think of what Stevie Wonder had done when he was their age?...Blink 182 feeling the pinch of the economy as they reunite for no good reason, as there ain’t a lot of warmth on that stage…I don’t like Katy Perry but at least she’s got a sense of humor. The fruit theme is hysterical. And she doesn’t pretend she can dance and may be the only female artist to appear in flats ever…oh, shit! Estelle and Kanye doing the best single of 2008: “American Boy.”… okay, I had to stop to see my girl Adele when Best New Artist, but you can actually thank Sarah Palin for it, because after they appeared on the same episode of SNL, Adele truly blew up. This, of course means her career is over…country music performance, who cares?...will MIA give birth onstage, given today is her due date? Sadly, no…hey, Lil’ Wayne, it takes a singular talent to look like shit in a tux. TI and Jay-show how to wear it right…sorry, but The Beatles are the music of life. But couldn’t they get Paul an all-star band?..why are they fucking up Adele with Sugarland?...she’s a twit, but I still like Gwyneth Paltrow and of course she introduces Radiohead, given her husband has said without them Coldplay wouldn’t exist. Me, I’ve never gotten it beyond “Creep”…um, actually, Samuel L. Jackson, TI and Justin Timberlake had a hit together two years ago. And I finally figured out why TI stands out amongst rappers: he’s good looking. Most rappers are as ugly as sin…Smokey Robinson. Somewhere my mother is screaming and not at his horrible hair and bad eye-job. Jamie Foxx needs to let these dreams of being a musical artist go. For the sake of all of us. And how far has R&B fallen from Smokey Robinson to Nee-Yo?...again I pity Christina Aguilera. Britney out of her mind still sells more than she does…yes, I have Neil Diamond’s greatest hits and if you don’t there’s something wrong with you. You know, if Caroline Kennedy decides to actually run for office, she’s got the song…the roll of death…sittin’ and playin’ guitar. That’s as fucking old school as it gets...Lil’ Wayne and Robin Thicke seem like a B-level version of Justin and TI. Alan Toussaint cannot save them…Robert Plant and Allison Krauss is one of those albums you buy because you know you should and to impress your friends when they look at your collection. Not because you actually listen to it or anything…sorry, Stevie, you’re tarnished now. Ending the show alone will not cleanse you. Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if everyone left and didn’t tell him? Yeah, that’s how bothered I am by The Jonas Brothers thing.

DOCTOR, DOCTOR GIMME THE NEWS
So I finally broke down and saw a doctor. Well, kinda. I didn’t go in to get my brain checked out or anything. I went in because of the pain in my elbow, the pain in my shoulder, the weird bone protrusion on my wrist and the odd swelling on my shin. But of course it came back to my brain when I mentioned it and was unnerved by how surprised he was that I suffered no permanent effects. “You know most people have some sort of permanent damage. Do you know how lucky you are?” Um, I thought I did. Now, a year-and-half later, you’re scaring the shit out of me. So he gave me a prescription for my elbow (which I didn’t fulfill) told me to make an appointment to have my shoulder x-rayed (which I didn’t do) and explained to me what as up with my wrist (which I forgot). He had no idea what was going on with my shin swelling and wanted to keep an eye on it. So, we’re good for a year, right?

SAY IT SOFTLY AND IT’S ALMOST LIKE PRAYING
Ricardo Montalban died. Yes, Khan is dead. Mr. Rourke is gone. KHAAAAAANNNNN!