NYQUIL AND TEQUILA!

1. Friday the 13th/WB Wknd/$ 40.7 Total/$ 40.7
2. He’s Just Not That Into You/WB Wknd/$ 19.6 Total/$ 55.1
3. Taken/Fox Wknd/$ 19.0 Total/$ 77.7
4. Confessions of a Shopaholic/Touch Wknd/$ 15.1 Total/$ 15.1
5. Coraline/Focus Wknd/$ 14.8 Total/$ 35.0
6. Paul Blart: Mall Cop/Sony Wknd/$ 11.0 Total/$ 109.8
7. The International/Sony Wknd/$ 9.4 Total/$ 9.4
8. The Pink Panther 2/Sony Wknd/$ 8.5 Total/$ 21.8
9. Slumdog Millionaire/Fox Searchlight Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 86.7
10. Push/Summit Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 19.3

AN AUSPICIOUS DATE
Friday the 13th opens at number one and believe it or not, I actually saw the original in the theater. I was there to see Excalibur with my cousin, where not only persuaded me to sneak in to see it, but he then started talking to the two girls sitting in front of us. Needless to say I was no help, and that marks my first official teen geek social failure (pre-teen social failures now having been sealed by the court). I like to think that the massive opening this weekend allowed yet another geek to fail miserably, thus perpetuating the cycle.

HE DOESN’T NEED TO OPPRESS YOU IF YOU’RE DOING IT TO YOURSELF
He’s Just Not That Into You is down to number two and rather than keep ragging on it, let’s look as some positives from this piece of crap: 1) It’s a success from a female production company. Drew Barrymore’s to be precise. 2) Not only are almost all the pairings all age appropriate but also in three of the five couples the female is actually older than the male (the four couple is same age and fifth involves Scarlett Johanssen, the youngest cast member). That’s how you know for sure men didn’t produce this, because that shit simply would not fly. Of course the even bigger downside is that women would make this piece of crap for themselves.

TAKEN 3: MARS NEEDS WOMEN
Taken is down to number three and the success of this requires there be a sequel, most likely in the other place known to take little White American girls: Asia. Liam Neeson’s daughter unwisely ventures to Hong Kong when he specifically tells her not to. Taken 2: Those Little Yellow Bastards Dare Touch Our Women. Africa is off-limits thanks to you-know-who being president and they already wasted using Arabs here.

MAYBE CONFESSIONS OF A COUPON CUTTER WILL BE NEXT
Confessions of a Shopaholic opens at number four and I’m sure this seemed like a good idea at the time; cash in on both Sex & The City and The Devil Wears Prada. But then the economy collapsed and people were less likely to indulge a poorly written film (which trashes some of the stronger personality aspects of the character from the book) simply because it’s eye candy. It’s too bad, because Ilsa Fisher obviously has a comedic star quality to her just looking for the right vehicle and if she doesn’t find it soon Hollywood’s gonna realize it’s already got a small, talented redhead in Amy Adams so why do they need another? She has Oscar nominations and a hit under her belt.

SAVING UP MY BITTERNESS FOR THE SPRING
Coraline is down to number five and I was wrong. This isn’t from Tim Burton. It’s merely the same director from The Nightmare Before Christmas. That doesn’t mean anything I said about Tim Burton isn’t true, just misplaced in this instance. But so long as we’re here, let’s look at who’s picking up an easy check. Dakota Fanning, Teri Hatcher, Jennifer Saunders & Dawn French (something for you fans of overrated English comedy), Keith David and Ian McShane, who just isn’t as interesting after you’ve seen him curse up a storm in Deadwood.

LOOSE CHANGE
Paul Blart: Mall Cop is down to number six, followed by The International opening at number seven and unlike Confessions of Shopaholic, a movie about evil bankers getting their due should be something everyone in the country wanted to see, but apparently watching horny teenagers get slaughtered makes them feel better than Clive Owen bringing the people who really hurt them to justice. It’s not a bad movie, but it’s not a great one either. It’s too long and if the cathartic pleasure of watching evil bankers get punished is what you’re looking for, there’s just not enough of it. Not to mention, what is the point in casting a beautiful woman with a handsome man and not having a romantic subplot!?! Naomi Watts is happily married and Clive Owen is so focused on bad guys he wouldn’t have noticed anyway. Not since Nicole Kidman (from whom I personally think Naomi Watts was cloned) and George Clooney barely exchanged a heated glance in The Peacekeeper has a pretty pair been so wasted. The set piece is a shoot-out in the Guggenheim, which is so good it deserved a better movie. There’s something very Hitchcockian about the way you have move down the circular design, unable to see who’s above or below you. Unfortunately this shoot-out shatters the disbelief present. For the bulk of the movie, Clive Owen can’t prove anything about the bank. A hit team dispatched to one of the most noted museums on the planet would remove all doubt you exist, so the bad guys suddenly become utter morons who can’t wait until their target leaves or the rest of the world eats a brain tumor for breakfast not to know the bank is every inch the evil Owen insists. But it’s still a great scene.

LIKE A YOUNG ANDIE MCDOWELL IN HER WOODEN-NESS
The Pink Panther 2 is down to number eight, followed by Slumdog Millionaire at number nine and Push closing out the top ten at number ten and sadly the gawking at Dakota Fanning has begun. She’s grown up a little too thin, blonde and pretty for the same creeps who counted down the days for Britney, Natalie Portman and the Olsen Twins to become legal to ignore (be thankful, Miley Cyrus, that no one’s waiting on your 18th birthday except that model you’re dating). Oddly enough, the very beautiful Camilla Belle was ignored in her transition to adulthood (she played the younger, frankly prettier, version of Sandra Bullock in Practical Magic). Very few would know her name if she weren’t currently dating a Jonas Brother and I cannot fault his decision to dump Taylor Swift for her. Pretty blondes are a dime a dozen, but smoldering brunettes are a rarity. Too bad smoldering beauty is all she brings here. The script does her no favors, but Chris Evans and Dakota Fanning still inject life into their roles.

MUST YOU BE UGLY AND STUPID?
Okay, as a devoted fan of Rock of Love I tried to watch For the Love of Ray J, the latest reality show about a B or C or D list celeb looking for love, but I couldn’t. I know he’s had hits, but at the end of the day he’s still Brandy’s ugly little uncharismatic little brother (though he was cute in her “I Wanna Be Down” video a hundred years ago) and that combined with the sheer hootchie-ness on display was just too much for me. You can laugh at Brett Michaels because you can tell he’s laughing at it too. Ray J has none of that charm and is so genuinely transfixed by strippers it’s no fun to watch. At least not for me and I always thought the major problem with Rock of Love was the two-decade age difference between Michaels and most of the girls. Apparently it’s needed, otherwise your star can’t keep the show moving because his dick is in the way.

NO, I DON’T COUNT ROSARIO
Trust Me is about two guys in advertising. I work in advertising and I don’t give shit, so I can’t imagine how anyone else ever could. There’s a reason 99% of all shows are about doctors, cops and lawyers. Their jobs matter. They fail and people can literally die. An ad exec fails and what? A bad Tide commercial? Those Go Daddy.com commercials show you that they fail every fucking day. That’s “0” and “3” for the four cast members of Will & Grace, as The Starter Wife was just cancelled last week and I don’t see this lasting either. Combine that with Megan Muhally’s talk show and now Jack proves to be the wisest of all by not doing anything at all (outside of an appearance on 30 Rock).

PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK. TEQUILA CURES ME.
Now, when I’m my usual shut-in self, I rarely get sick. I ride my bike along the Hudson River in 20-degree weather and walk home from kung fu in the same conditions and barely get a sniffle. But I go out and spend time with people and I’m on my second fucking cold in two months. Guess what we’re not going to be doing until it gets warmer. But one thing I did learn is that I’ve wasted many a sleepless night by trusting Nyquil. It’s never worked on me. I’ve never understood these people who say it knocks them out. Last week learned the secret ingredient. You know how they say never mix it with booze. Bullshit. I haven’t slept that well since I was home at Christmas. I was determined to have margaritas despite the cold and my cold and since I wanted to breathe through my nose and not cough up a lung, I took some Nyquil anyway. A glorious 12 hours of rest followed. Yeah, I was too sleepy to even get undressed, but so what? I’ve got a recipe for success the next time this happens.

WHAT I WATCH INSTEAD OF DEPRESSING OSCAR NOMINATED FILMS
As I was jonesing for a little geek entertainment after the very entertaining Wonder Woman movie at the comic convention, I rented the recent direct-to-video release of The Hulk vs. Thor and The Hulk vs. Wolverine, which cuts the bullshit and gives comic fans exactly what they want: unmitigated superhero violence. It’s a dark secret of comics that geeks like seeing heroes fight more than they like seeing them fight bad guys. This gives you some of the most popular characters at Marvel, known for their willingness to kick butt without the confines of budgets thanks to animation. In the first the “plot” as it were is Loki (Thor’s brother if you know your Norse Mythology) brings The Hulk to Asgard because he’s the only creature who’s ever come close to defeating Thor. He removes Bruce Banner from him leaving The Hulk without restraint or conscience. Unfortunately it also leaves him speechless removing one of The Hulk’s most endearing attributes: his third person idiot speech (“Hulk smash!”). After that, it’s pretty much The Hulk beating the shit out of Thor. Oh, he puts up a decent fight (you don’t have a movie if he doesn’t), but he loses and then The Hulk pretty much starts destroying all Asgard. Wolverine made his first appearance in The Hulk over 35 years ago, so this is actually semi-appropriate, but given that The Hulk would obviously stomp him in a heartbeat, they add a large selection of Wolverine’s rogue gallery (Sabertooth, Omega Red, Deathstrike and Deadpool) and his origin to fill the story out in his segment. It’s a bit more fun watching The Hulk whomp on bad guys and he’s talking (“Hulk smash little man!”). I’d never buy it, but it was definitely worth a rental.

ONCE AGAIN WOMEN BEAR THE BURDEN OF MANKIND’S SINS
This is pretty tasteless to say, but I hate Chris Brown so much that if him beating Rihanna is what it takes to destroy his career and make him go away, then she took one for the team. The “team” in this case being all humanity. It’s a shame Jay-Z is on probation, because I’d like to think Hova would deal with this “Brooklyn style.” Though I’d rather him smack around the idiots who ask, “Well did she provoke him?” As if anything would justify a man beating a woman. I’m sure somewhere Tina Turner was throwing up at the news of it---then made arrangements to go take another piss on Ike’s grave while she was here in the states on tour.