COMPUTER HELL

1. Angels & Demons/Sony Wknd/$ 48.0 Total/$ 48.0
2. Star Trek/Paramount Wknd/$ 43.0 Total/$ 147.6
3. X-Men Origins: Wolverine/Fox Wknd/$ 14.8 Total/$ 151.1
4. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past/NL Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 40.1
5. Obsessed/ScreenGem Wknd/$ 4.6 Total/$ 62.6
6. 17 Again/Warner Wknd/$ 3.4 Total/$ 58.4
7. Monsters Vs. Aliens/DreamW Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 190.6
8. The Soloist/Paramount-DW Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 27.5
9. Next Day Air/Summit Wknd/$ 2.3 Total/$ 7.6
10. Earth/Disney Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 29.1

A weekend in computer hell requires this to be short and sweet:

MOLESTERS & PEDOPHILES
Opening at number one is Angels & Demons, technically the prequel to The DaVinci Code, but filmed as a sequel and nothing amuses me more than the need of the Catholic Church to play the role of victim, never once asking the question, “Could our centuries of shitty behavior in the name of God be somehow responsible for the success of books and movies that depict us as a bunch of ruthless assholes?”

FUCK MY CAREER GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW
Star Trek is down to number two and yes, I’m still annoyed by it and still beatin’ down geek bitches online who try and defend this as anything more than Star Trek in name only. But you know who really loves this? Winona Ryder, with her first appearance in a hit movie since Mr. Deeds in 2002 and ten years when Angelina Jolie pretty much stole her thunder and career heat in Girl Interrupted. It’s also the first where her presence actually mattered since…Autumn in New York? But I thought that tanked? Oh. Thanks to overseas gross the damn thing made almost $100M. Betcha it was Japan. They love movies where someone in love dies. Somewhere in Time is like Gone With The Wind over there and even Christopher Reeve said it was crap.

I HATE IT WHEN GEORGE CARLIN’S RIGHT
X-Men Origins: Wolverine is down to number three and this is just one fight scene between Live Schreiber and Hugh Jackman short of just being “bear porn.” Then again you could say that about a lot of movies. I’m reminded of Return of the Dragon with Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris, where “hate” was defined in the end as “Hey, let’s go off somewhere alone and take our shirts off and fight.”

THE DEVIL IS A MEAN GIRL
Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past is down to number four and this was directed by Mark Waters, who directed Mean Girls. Now, between this, Lindsay Lohan’s career and Tina Fey’s career, I think it’s pretty clear who was really responsible for the success of that movie. Just as I’m sure Tina Fey is ducking phone calls from this dude as much as she’s ducking Lindsay’s: “Tina? It’s Mark and Lindsay on a threeway. Yes, Lindsay, we all know it’s not your first. Tina, can we do a sequel, please? She can go to college and encounter a whole new batch of bitches. Or she can go work in fashion and we can try and get some of that Devil Wears Prada money. Hello? Tina? Hello?”

EBONY AND IVORY/FIGHT IT OUT AT THE MOVIES
Obsessed is down to number five and thanks to this Ali Larter will always have a place in the hearts of millions of Black people everywhere. We’re strangely loyal to you if you appear in our crappy movies. Especially when it’s the wish-fulfillment of sistas everywhere. The only way it could have been more satisfying to them is if he were playing an actor or professional athlete. Basically, it’s for people who watch The Game every week and have been just dying to see the blonde on that show get her ass kicked…and anyone who likes to see hot chicks mix it up. It’s all about homoerotic fighting this week.

EH, WHO CARES?
17 Again is down to number six followed by Monsters & Aliens at number seven and The Soloist at number eight.

WATER IS STILL WET
Next Day Air is down to number nine and yes, I still hate Mike Epps and Mos Def must have had one hell of a car payment to do this. You know he’s waiting on that Italian Job sequel because damn near everyone in that movie continued on with good work but him. You know the only person doing worse than him? The Latino mechanic. Another example of Hollywood keeping the brown people down.

THE END…OF THE WORLD
Earth closes out the top ten at number ten.

AND THIS IS WHY…
So, it’s like a tradition that once a year I accidentally wipe out a bunch of files on my computer and this year is no exception. See, I got a new computer. Well, not new, but new to me. My old one is breaking down to the point where the guy at the repair store told me they don’t even make replacement parts for it for them to fix it. It’s a whopping four fucking years old. Now, Macs are the best machines, but that’s because you get what you pay for and your average new one is $2G’s. I ain’t got that, so I’ve been on eBay for the last month trying not to get screwed over an old one…and failing. I finally got one or two generations after my current computer, which is still old, but nonetheless faster than mine so I was happy…for about thirty seconds. Aside from the fact a Paypal fuck up resulted in waiting two weeks to get it and Paypal taking out twice the amount from my account (word of warning: if you cancel a transaction they still take the fucking money out to return to you later) and the kernel panics which developed (geeks know what that means and they’re wincing right now) there’s a matter of me somehow managing to FUCK UP THE OS INSTALLATION WHICH CONSISTS OF PUTTING A GODDAMN DISC IN AND NOT MUCH ELSE. Now, the irony of me fucking up on my computer is that the same day I did it, I did flawless work on Surrogate Sister’s computer and Dorito Cheeseburger Woman’s computer. ESSENTIALLY DOING THE SAME FUCKING THING. I got it right for them, but for me, I managed to get it all wrong. This is how I wound up spending pretty much the entire weekend, fighting with the damn computer and losing. 9th Avenue Food Fair? Don’t have time. Gotta fight computer (it was a week early this year anyway). Friend’s birthday party six blocks away? Can’t. I think I’m on the verge of a breakthrough (I was wrong). I’m going to give Tekserve a shot at this, but I’ve got the strangest feeling I’m going to put this sucker right back up on eBay and begin this dance all over again. Sigh.

COLOR ME YOUR COLOR, BABY
My computer problems were so awful they ruined my weekend buzz, which I caught Friday at work. At the end of the day, the president of our department asked me to run over to Saks and return the gown I’d actually picked up for her a few weeks ago. So while I’m walking through Saks carrying a garment bag with an obvious since of purpose and direction as I’d been there before, a woman stops me and says, “You’re very handsome. Do you work here?” That’s right, bitchez. In the middle of Saks Fifth Avenue I get stopped and told I’m the shit. Wait, I think my buzz is coming back…