IT'S HARD OUT HERE FOR A EUNUCH

1. Night At The Museum 2/Fox Wknd/$ 53.5 Total/$ 53.5
2. Terminator: Salvation/WB Wknd/$ 43.0 Total/$ 56.4
3. Star Trek/Paramount Wknd/$ 22.8 Total/$184.4
4. Angels & Demons/Sony Wknd/$ 21.8 Total/$ 21.8
5. Dance Flick/Paramount Wknd/$ 10.7 Total/$ 10.7
6. X-Men Origins: Wolverine/Fox Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 163.2
7. Ghost of Girlfriends Past/NL Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 45.9
8. Obsessed/ScreenGem Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 65.9
9. Monsters Vs. Aliens/DreamW Wknd/$ 1.4 Total/$ 193.1
10. 17 Again/Warner Wknd/$ 1.0 Total/$ 60.3

NEXT STOP: THE LOUVRE! LOOK AT HOW WACKY THE MONA LISA IS!
Night At The Museum: Battle For the Smithsonian opens at number one and while I found the first one amusing, I have no interest in a sequel where the only real change seems to be a bigger budget to bring more exhibits to life. Granted, Hank Azaria is around to help with the comedic heavy lifting, but still, it’s not enough. There was some inspired whimsy about the original conceit. It was an expansion on the childhood fantasy that toys come to life and play while you’re sleeping. This is just a cold, calculated idea of “If some is good, more must be better.” In the original there was the idea that Ben Stiller’s character was a bit of a drifting loser and the museum gave him purpose and restored him in the eyes of his son. Such humanity seems to have been jettisoned for this go round (along with Carla Gugino as the love interest who worked at the museum). The plot is now about him rescuing Owen Wilson and Steve Coogan as the tiny cowboy and Roman soldier who were accidentally shipped to The Smithsonian. Yeah, I really don’t care either which is why I didn’t see it.

I, ROBOT
Terminator Salvation opens at number two which is apparently surprising to everyone but me. Warner Brothers is trying to blame the NBA Playoffs, but people made it to Fast & Furious during Mach Madness. The reason is simple: ARNOLD’S NOT HERE! You don’t need an MBA or a degree in quantum physics. For the majority of people he is The Terminator and having a Terminator film without him is like having an Indiana Jones film without Harrison Ford (we call that Young Indiana Jones and we know how well that went over). Also, the three Terminator films were all essentially chase films. Very simple formula. This is not. It’s basically how John Connor met his father and became leader of the resistance. Doesn’t that just set your heart all aflutter? Me neither. Honestly, who cares? If you’re going to tell a John Connor story, show me how he defeated the machines at the end that led to all this. Though personally I don’t believe there should have ever been a John Connor movie. He should have remained this almost mythic character you barely see who saves the world. It’s telling this movie really wasn’t about John originally, but Terminator who doesn’t know he is one, something that probably shouldn’t have been given away in the trailer. It was changed when Christian Bale was cast as John Connor and that’s where your trouble begins. Scripts changed to accommodate stars rarely work out and while the Terminator films never had a stranglehold on logic, this takes it to a new level of silliness. But what can you expect from the man who brought us the Charlie’s Angels movies? Basically, this is to the Terminator movies what X3 was to the X-Men movies. Churned out by some hack who thought he understood what made the earlier films work but misses it by a mile. Even Arnold knew better when said that people like the Terminator because he embodies a type of wish fulfillment. He does whatever he wants and either kills or maims whomever he wants. That’s only effective in a real world setting, which you obviously don’t have here. And if your movie is called Terminator, shouldn’t there be one onscreen most of the doing destructive Terminator shit? Lots of little ones (air, water, motorcycle) don’t make up for one Arnold. Hell, even the show understood this with a hot chick Terminator. The TV show also understood the humor that comes from having a stiff robot around for your straight man. Humor here is decidedly lacking.

LAST I HEARD VLADIMIR WAS A RUSSIAN NAME
Star Trek is down to number three and scoring a geek twofer is Anton Yelchin who is Kyle Reese in Terminator: Salvation and Chekhov here. He’s very good in one of these---but it ain’t this one. The whole thick Russian accent thing was already tired in 1967 and hasn’t gotten any better and when you see the lame, lame joke they use for it in this movie maybe you can understand why I just have no regard for it (the irony is he was actually born in Russia). Again, if you really wanted to reboot, that stupidity should have been dropped immediately. And you’d think in a more sophisticated vision of the future every freaking sign in Starfleet wouldn’t be in English and you’d have more than one or two non-human aliens running around. Even Star Wars stopped using English by the second movie. Given that’s really who they’re emulating here, I’d think it would be a no-brainer.

IN LIVING COLOR WAS FREE AND I STILL FELT RIPPED OFF
Angels & Demons is down to number four, followed by Dance Flick opening at number five and I really wanted to see this because I’ve laughed at every clip and commercial, but I couldn’t get up before noon and just wasn’t going to pay more than the matinee price for it. There’s just not $12 worth of funny here. $6, maybe, but $12. Not from a Wayans.

APPARENTLY RENTING THE BIG EASY WAS JUST TOO MUCH FOR HIM
X-Men Origins: Wolverine is down to number six also in this is the fan favorite character of Gambit played by some dude from Friday Night Lights, a show that everyone loves but no one seems to actually watch. If he’s any indication, I can understand why, being totally devoid of charisma for a character that’s supposed to be charisma personified. Basically, Gambit is what Dennis Quaid’s character from The Big Easy would be if he had superpowers. How did this guy prepare for a role as a charming Cajun rogue? Speech classes? Visit to New Orleans? No he listened to Dr. John. That’s like Tom Cruise telling you he prepared for playing a German soldier by listening to Wagner. Yeah, suddenly his boring-ass performance becomes very clear.

WELL, I DON’T THINK DAMIEN’S WORKING, BUT STILL
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past is down to number seven and also in this is Lacey Chabert, so basically everyone from Mean Girls is working but its star. Now that’s just sad.

BECAUSE AS MEN WE HAVE NO FREE WILL YOU SEE
Obsessed is down to number eight and with a $20M budget it’s firmly in the black and I hope this will guarantee a series of direct-to-video sequels about crazy women of one race trying to take away the men of another and being beaten to death by women of that same race. I think there’s a market. I mean, if this were about a crazy Asian woman trying to take Jewish guy and being beaten to death by a Jewish woman it would have made a hundred million dollars by now. There’d be synagogues arranging field trips to see it. You wish I were joking. However, the one where a blonde tries to take away the Asian guy from his wife will be set in space because that’s obviously science fiction.

A GOOD CHEF CAN DO AMAZING THINGS WITH BALONEY, BUT BALONEY WITHOUT A CHEF IS JUST LUNCHEON MEAT
Monsters vs. Aliens is down to number nine, followed by 17 Again closing out the top ten at number ten and also in this is Michele Trachtenberg from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and I’m always surprised to see any of them working anywhere because Buffy was one of those shows where you clearly know its special nature came from the people behind it and not the people in front of the camera. Creator, writer, director Joss Whedon is clearly the biggest star to come out of that show and the neverending stream of mediocrity from its stars is proof. Willow is a supporting player How I Met Your Mother, which sucks and if you think differently you’re an idiot. Angel isn’t even technically the star of Bones and he got lucky with it. Faith was equally lucky with Bring It On, but nothing much after that because she’s not very attractive and can’t act (Dollhouse is a Whedon show, not hers and it’s barely on). Cordelia aged from 20 to 40 seemingly overnight pretty much ending her career. Giles read the writing on the wall and went back to England. Spike is a science fiction and fantasy whore appearing in everything from Smallville to Dragonball Z and the only person appearing less than Xander and Anya is Buffy herself, Sarah Michelle Gellar. Buffy was essentially the peak of her career and she’ll probably never star in anything noteworthy again.

AND YOU KNOW HE DIDN’T HAVE A JOB
Sorry, but I find that AT&T commercial about the guy who follows the girl from Europe to America to be a bit stalkerish. Once upon a time it might have been romantic, but now it’s a big sign that reads, “I love you! Don’t make me kill you!” I hate that damn song too.

AH, OBSOLESCENCE CREEPS UP ON YOU QUICK, DON’T IT?
Eminem is back but it’s a T-Pain world now so who really cares?

ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG. THE WORLD ACCORDING TO JIM LASTED 8 YEARS
Glee had its cruel tease of a premiere and if that’s the level of writing we can expect on a regular basis, then I can’t wait for it to come back---and be cancelled almost immediately. It’s just too smart, funny and dark to survive, especially on Fox. Paying for all that music licensing will make it a very expensive show, so it has to do well quickly. I love that it shows the kids outside the “in crowd” to be equally nasty and vicious. I stopped going to comic book conventions when I realized more than a few geeks were just as nasty as the quarterbacks who tormented them. It’s just that they don’t have the opportunity to inflict their will in high school. Unfortunately they eventually found a place to thrive in the real world and share their particular brand of evil: The IT Department.

IT’S HARD OUT HERE FOR A EUNUCH
So, I’ve been hanging out with Dorito Cheeseburger Woman (Karyn Plonsky) recently because she has revealed a deep and abiding love of Barbara Stanwyck and keeps very late hours like myself, tending to non-invite me over no earlier than 11:00 (a non-invite is a passive/aggressive invitation that involves someone calling and asking you what you’re doing and you ask if you should come over and they reply, “If you want to” and then insisting they’re going to bed soon so if you’re coming it had better be immediately even though you’re both for the next three hours). More than once I’ve found myself going home as the sun rises. And I do go home because she’s recovering from a spinal injury and I’ve still got a maxi-pad in my ass. You couldn’t have a better recipe for non-intimacy that doesn’t involve infectious disease or the threat of death from a sultan father. I wouldn’t take my pants off now in front of another person if you promised me money and the participation of your double-jointed bisexual girlfriend from college who squirts. It also helps that she never once thought I asked her out. “You were asking me out? I thought that was just to hang as a friend.” Ah, that never gets old. It’s as fun to hear now as it was in kindergarten:

“But I thought you gave me your dessert at recess as a friend?”
“What!?!”
“Yeah. Besides, Tommy’s got a swing set in the backyard and a really cool dog. So, I’ll be spending naptime next to him. But thanks for the Twinkies.”

I suppose it’s telling that when she told this to me I has helping her to pick out a dress for a function. Maybe, just maybe, that’s part of the problem. I’m sure loving Barbara Stanwyck didn’t help matters. Not to mention her meeting Scott Speedman while swimming who then walked her home. The Angriest Geek In The World or they guy Felicity crossed a continent for? Place your bets!

YOUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS ALMOST OVER
June 3rd. That’s the day we hope to get cleared to ride a bike again. Until then I will continue to send out waves of pure hatred for all of you who ride and beg the gods to bring the rains. After that we’re all good. Now, I told myself a year ago I’d upgrade my bike and get something with shocks, but I love that damn thing and will probably just go the less expensive route and just get it tuned up.

GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT
Finally, I tried to buy it. I wanted to buy it. But Rooney pulled their “Iron Man: Armored Adventures” theme song off iTunes in the US. So guess what? I downloaded it for nothing from someone else. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, Rooney.